To feel stressed at being left behind our friendship group

[Feelinadequate23]

DH and I are part of a really close friendship group from uni (where we met). We are all mid-thirties now so have been friends for 15 or so years and we spend a fair amount of time with this group.

At uni we all felt on the same level financially as we all had part time jobs but also all had some financial support from our parents. Then in our twenties we still felt pretty similar, as we all got professional jobs, rented for a bit and then bought 2 bed places with our other halves. DH and I bought in the cheapest place out of the group but we had a nice garden and were near a really fun pub we all used to hang out at, so we didn’t feel like the poor relations, even though we were in the least desirable area.

Then suddenly around the age of 30, it was like everyone else in the friendship group catapulted into a financial level above us out of nowhere. We all got married and had kids so people started moving out of starter homes into family homes. DH and I just upgraded to a 3 bed semi in the same area we were in, whereas everyone else bought really big houses with 4/5 bedrooms, 2/3 bathrooms and an extra study, all in very fancy areas. They’re now all suddenly talking about sending their kids to private primary school, whereas we hadn’t even considered doing that.

It’s starting to get us down as when we meet up it’s like they’re all speaking a different language to us (discussing which room to give to their nanny!) and their ideas of what’s normal are just so different to ours now. We suggested doing a group holiday with kids and were about to suggest a uk holiday cottage type trip, but somehow the conversation turned into them all planning a ski trip, which would mean we couldn’t afford any other trips that year.

The annoying thing is, we’re pretty sure we earn the most out of all the couples, so this money must be coming from their parents - I suspect they were all given hefty deposits and they also all get free holidays with family each year. It’s making us feel really inadequate and also like we can’t hang out with them so much anymore as we can’t join in a lot of the conversations and can’t afford to do some of the things they suggest. It’s very depressing when we work in stressful long hour corporate jobs and they all do nice 9-5s, working in charities and PR firms. But these are our closest friends so we don’t want to lose them.

Considering taking on even more stressful jobs to try to keep up with their lifestyle (which to be fair is very nice and we would love to be able to live like that). AWBU?

This is such a bizarre mindset. They don’t owe you an explanation. Why are you so obsessed with how much their parents might be contributing and what their own earnings might cover? Newsflash: some people are richer than others. That’s life. Their wealth, wherever it’s coming from, isn’t a reflection on you. You do sound incredibly jealous and materialistic and like you’ve lost touch with reality - there are people who can’t afford to feed their families and you’re agonising over your mates sending little Jonny to prep school? Seriously, give yourself a slap. Equally if they’re genuine friends they won’t care if you say “oh no we can’t afford private”. Unless they’re as money obsessed as you are in which case there’s no hope for any of you.

obsessrd slow clap for the projection. 😝

There is such a lack of empathy on here. It is ok to feel insecure about things and just because it’s money related doesn’t make the op’s feelings any less valid.

It’s very depressing when we work in stressful long hour corporate jobs and they all do nice 9-5s, working in charities and PR firms

Why does this make you think you earn more than them?

You don't know how much debt any of them really have. Just keep doing you. And for fucks sale don't try and keep up.

You don’t actually know their financial situation, you’re assuming you earn more but you don’t know that. It rather sounds like they out-earn you by a fair bit. You’re a bit obsessed with the idea of parental support, but again, you don’t actually know this. It’s all assumption. And it’s not that likely to be the consistent support you’re assuming if the families are not that wealthy.

I think the only people making you feel inadequate is you, your friends haven’t done anything wrong. At all.

I get it, OP. I have 3 very old friends, and 2 married into wealthy families. It did hurt initially, especially one of them who it seemed like every time we spoke was basically saying "I did this amazing thing the other day, you'd have totally loved it! But we didn't invite you and you could never have afforded it anyway." Followed by the ghastly bright "so what exciting things have you been up to?" And I had to say nothing, because I'm broke.
Meanwhile I inadvertently hurt my 3rd friend's feelings because my family helped me buy a house and hers couldn't afford to.
These days we've mostly worked out how not to offend each other, and are still friends, but we are less close now, and group meet ups are an extreme rarity.

Most people in their 30s with kids are not having their entire lifestyle funded by their parents. Even if they were given a deposit they still need to pay the mortgage, the bills, the childcare etc.

But a deposit in your twenties can make a huge difference 10-15 years down the line if it means you were able to buy a bigger house with a smaller mortgage.

Of course most parents aren't fully funding their adult children but a little bit of help goes a long way. A couple of days a week of childcare and a holiday in the summer can save most families thousands.

Which preps are you looking at for young Jonny?” And then we feel we have to say “oh actually we can’t afford private school so we’re just looking at the local state”
We might be able to afford private school. I have no idea as we've never considered it and certainly wouldnt feel the need to pretend otherwise. Why do you feel you have to justify not looking at private on financial grounds. Why not say it's a choice you've made if that makes you feel better. I remember friends of my parents asking why they didn't send us to private and them explaining it was a moral choice which shut that down nice and quick.

Yes, I’ve always found a quelling stare and ‘Private education is ethically indefensible’ shuts it all down sharpish.

Wow
You are sounding quite bitter and jealous.
Why does it matter if they've managed to keep their first homes to rent out?
If you can't afford ski trips etc then you just don't go.
Absolutely should not need to affect your friendships but it's sounding as though your jealousy is what might ruin your friendships.

I strongly doubt their parents are paying them enough pocket money to afford private school and the mortgage. They've obviously progressed career wise their salaries reflect that. You could do the same, or stay as you are. The same thing happened to my husbands friendship group. He can never afford to join them on holiday in Las vagas/america/skiing etc, but he still drinks with them once in a blue moon. They all have very nice detached houses, and most of their kids are in private education.

The one thing that hasn’t been mentioned yet is the possibility that they’re doing a lot of this on credit. You talk about frugal living and savings - they may have borrowed a lot of money. A friend of mine went through a similar thought process - he works for a law firm where salaries were transparent and could never understand how people had such different lifestyles to him. And that was the answer, ultimately: he was very conservative and risk averse and was a saver, while some of these people were leveraged up to the hilt. For some, it paid off - a highly leveraged property investment 20 years ago would look very smart now. But equally, they may well have had some sleepless nights in the interim. Likewise, some people are far more comfortable running a credit card balance/taking a loan/having very little in savings.

Perhaps you could start hanging round in charity shops to make some new friends that you can feel 'better than'...it's starting to sounds like that's what you want.

Just because you felt 'equal' at uni doesn't mean you should now.

I'm shocked at this post during a CoL crisis when some families are genuinely going hungry or not being able to heat their homes.

Unfortunately it sounds like the friendships are unlikely to survive because of your jealousy - which is completely understandable, it’s human nature to compare oneself to others, and in this case you have found yourself lacking. I’m sure there are happy secure people who are content with their lot in life who are able to mix freely with people who are much wealthier than they are without it affecting their self esteem so much but sounds like that is not the case here.

I do wonder why you are blaming it all on being bank rolled by their parents. Lots of people keep their starter homes as rentals by switching to a buy to let mortgage for that property then they have an passive income from that, or they may be living on huge amounts of credit. By saying they are all free loading from their parents allows you to ramp up the feelings on unfairness in your mind.

I am much older than you Op. My best friend owns several properties, and is financially extremely well off. I am doing fine financially and consider myself lucky, but have nowhere near as much money as she does. And it doesn't matter, it really doesn't. Be careful that all the joy that you have around your friendships isn't going to be sucked out by your envy.

Of course it does

I'm shocked at this post during a CoL crisis when some families are genuinely going hungry or not being able to heat their homes.

This doesn't make sense.

Get some new friends OP

Of course we assumed everyone would sell their first home to buy their second but there appears to be an unwritten pathway on this that we weren’t told about.

This ties into what I was saying above about some people being more comfortable with more debt, though. There’s no “unwritten pathway”, it’s just taking more risk. They now have a much higher exposure to UK property than you do. In a rising market, they’ll have made a lot of money in 20 years time. If there’s a crash in the housing market, they’ll be much more exposed. It’s not some hugely sophisticated financial scheme. It sounds like you’re more conservative people who prefer to have savings in the bank than spending every last penny and some on the credit card on the next holiday.

I think what I find oddest about your post, OP, is the lack of awareness you seemingly have that this level of apparent wealth and spending (whether it comes from credit, salaries, parental help or - likely - a mixture of the three is actually irrelevant) is really, really not the norm in any shape or form. But you're posting as if you're somehow owed it and are inexplicably missing out. I think, friendship group aside, it would benefit you to look outside your bubble.

I have friends in all sorts of different financial situations. It's not really a thing that comes up - of course we talk about what we're doing, but it doesn't seem to define us in the way you're describing. Either you're in with a very materialistic and shallow set or they're just living their lives and you're the materialistic and shallow one - it's hard to tell. Either way, I think some perspective would be helpful, and perhaps a view that includes measures of success and happiness that aren't money and wealth.

Either you're in with a very materialistic and shallow set or they're just living their lives and you're the materialistic and shallow one - it's hard to tell.

I suspect the latter. It may not be OP’s natural state, but she’s certainly become that way in her fixation with her friends’ financial situations.

I agree with pp that this is a you problem and not something to do with your friends. They are not obliged to discuss the intricacies of how they got their money with you- that’s just odd. I have lots of friends sending their children to private school. I don’t feel inadequate when they discuss it with me. Even if I could afford private, I’m happy/ prefer to go with a state. You need to work on being comfortable with where you and your family are, and not worried so much what others are doing. You’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery otherwise.

I do see why they have to justify to you where their money is coming from? Does it really matter if it’s through a work bonus, or family giving them money. How they afford schools isn’t really any of your business.

To be clear, non of the families are celeb-level wealthy, they don’t have yachts or mansions with pools or anything! Just nice, large-ish house, kids went to private school, couple of nice holidays a year.

Surely the fact that at least some of these friends went to private school themselves must make you realise it was likely they would send their own DC to private school too.

You need to find a way to not let this get to you. Or find friends on your level.

I'm not sure why you're friends with these people - you clearly resent them for having 'more'. Maybe stop fixating on the materialistic and learn to appreciate what you have.

Or one of your friends will fall sick or lose their job and they'll be poorer than you again. Assume that will make you feel better?