To feel stressed at being left behind our friendship group

[Feelinadequate23]

DH and I are part of a really close friendship group from uni (where we met). We are all mid-thirties now so have been friends for 15 or so years and we spend a fair amount of time with this group.

At uni we all felt on the same level financially as we all had part time jobs but also all had some financial support from our parents. Then in our twenties we still felt pretty similar, as we all got professional jobs, rented for a bit and then bought 2 bed places with our other halves. DH and I bought in the cheapest place out of the group but we had a nice garden and were near a really fun pub we all used to hang out at, so we didn’t feel like the poor relations, even though we were in the least desirable area.

Then suddenly around the age of 30, it was like everyone else in the friendship group catapulted into a financial level above us out of nowhere. We all got married and had kids so people started moving out of starter homes into family homes. DH and I just upgraded to a 3 bed semi in the same area we were in, whereas everyone else bought really big houses with 4/5 bedrooms, 2/3 bathrooms and an extra study, all in very fancy areas. They’re now all suddenly talking about sending their kids to private primary school, whereas we hadn’t even considered doing that.

It’s starting to get us down as when we meet up it’s like they’re all speaking a different language to us (discussing which room to give to their nanny!) and their ideas of what’s normal are just so different to ours now. We suggested doing a group holiday with kids and were about to suggest a uk holiday cottage type trip, but somehow the conversation turned into them all planning a ski trip, which would mean we couldn’t afford any other trips that year.

The annoying thing is, we’re pretty sure we earn the most out of all the couples, so this money must be coming from their parents - I suspect they were all given hefty deposits and they also all get free holidays with family each year. It’s making us feel really inadequate and also like we can’t hang out with them so much anymore as we can’t join in a lot of the conversations and can’t afford to do some of the things they suggest. It’s very depressing when we work in stressful long hour corporate jobs and they all do nice 9-5s, working in charities and PR firms. But these are our closest friends so we don’t want to lose them.

Considering taking on even more stressful jobs to try to keep up with their lifestyle (which to be fair is very nice and we would love to be able to live like that). AWBU?

@littleburn yes! This is it, I think you’ve captured it - we didn’t realise there was a difference and thought once you went to uni and were in a graduate job, you were all on the same middle class footing. Think it’s just a shock to realise there’s a whole different level of class/wealth, which requires generations of the same class to maintain a certain lifestyle.

Thanks @DisappearingGirl yes, that’s it, it’s not about the money specifically, it’s about feeling left behind and no longer being able to fully participate in the group when we always used to be able to.

Don't engage with the justification thing.

Be blunt, I'm sorry 'but we can't afford that, we'd love to do something with you guys but can we adjust our budgets to something which will include everyone'. Throw the ball in their court including you.

If they do press about finances, say that it's a shame they are making you have to justify your finances as it's a) rude to be asking about your b) inconsiderate and tone deaf to be unaware of other people having affordability issues because they've not had deposits / inheritance c) they've made you feel like shit because they e made it feel like it's become 'keeping up with the Jones' and you simply aren't in a position to do that.

Ultimately if your friends value you, if you do this they are friends worth keeping. If they plough on and exclude you, you know exactly where you stand and know it's time to move on with a different stage in your life.

Money does get in the way of some friendships. It shouldnt but it does.

It's tough I totally get it. I would try and start an annual trip that is something like camping, pitched like it's the fun experience, kids get to run wild and it's within budget for you alongside your other family holiday. We do this with some wealthy friends. Then I would also try and add in some new friends who have a more similar lifestyle to you, that will balance things out and you won't always feel like the outlier. This is what we've done and it works perfectly. Our close friends (all wealthy through mostly family money) live further away so local friends are more like us, we've gravitated to people with similar lifestyles through natural circumstance

I understand why you are upset as yes it’s shit if you can’t afford to join in. I part ways with you though when you state they are deceiving uou and should tell you what support parents are giving them, I strongly feel this is absolutely none of your business

in addition I also think you will be surprised at how much they earn, you mention two of the group, but not the rear and what each couple does, so I suspect a lot of this is they significantly out earn you and not every one has parents paying for them to go on holiday .

@Willowtre1 yes that’s a good idea, will try to push for that if we can

So OP, you actually know now that they’re being given these things, because you didn’t earlier? Do you know for certain that you earn more than them, or is that just what you’ve assumed?

I think this is a really good analysis of the situation, and it’s something I’ve become more aware of as I’ve got older. If you get a large inheritance from grandparents, money from parents for a house deposit, no student debt as your parents paid for everything, parents paying for private school fees, you’re better off than someone on a similar salary who didn’t get any of these things. I don’t have any of that, and I can see the different it makes - notably by comparing my life to my sister’s, as my BIL’s family was quite well off and they were given a house deposit and her PIL paid for private school. She is quite open about it with me, but may not be with other people.

I agree with the comments that you are in a bit of a ‘bubble’ if everyone you know is planning private schools and skiing holidays - you surely know that only a small percentage of the UK population have these things, and your friends sound quite materialistic and conforming to these middle-class conventions (to be fair, if I had the money, I might be want to do these things too!). Are they things you really want to do, or do you just feel you ought to do them as your friends are doing them? What’s really important to you?

It is quite usual to still be so close to a group of university friends, and has possibly made you a bit insular in your outlook. In my experience there’s some drifting away as people move for work, make other friends, and life gets busier.

You're jealous of them. They are perfectly entitled to plan a ski trip. If you can't afford to go then that's that

we’re pretty sure we earn the most out of all the couples, so this money must be coming from their parents

Yet they can ALL afford private schools/houses with studies and rooms for nannies?

Something doesn’t add up here?

I must say I'm starting to be a little skeptical about this - it sounds suspiciously like the plot of a supermarket novel.

When I say I’m sure we out-earn them, I admit we are making assumptions about their earnings. Nobody has told us their salary. Just going on what we know about seniority, industry and the fact some of them are part-time

E.g. it’s pretty clear that a senior accountant at a big London firm would out-earn a part time state school primary teacher

You sound obsessed with, and competitive about, money. On one hand complaining that they talk about their wealth and on the other that you have done so much better than them financially so it must all be handouts 🙄

based on your OP, I'm inclined to think the issue is you and how much focus you give this particular topic. Wealth is not the measure of a good friend. I have friends from uni that outearn me by loads. I have others who earn far less than me. I never think about it.

so your part time primary teach friend (single earner as you don't mention a partner or what he/she does) has a live in nanny you say?

It's quite possibly though that a grandparent has provided money for a private education so that they don't even have to think about it. Likewise, their propert may be pretty much paid off with inheritance or a gift. That frees up quite a lot for nice holidays.

OP, I hear where you're coming from mostly, but I think you've all fallen into the trap of materialism. Stuff and MC trappings. What they can't buy is health and happiness. At some point things will happen (divorce, illness etc) in the group which will underline this.

You do you. Make other friends (who don't just talk about money- it is SO DULL).

So you were actually OK with all this when you thought you were the higher earner but feel hard done by now that you can't go on a ski trip?

You need different priorities and to give your head a shake. It might burst the bubble you're in.

Ah yes, don't be jealous of their wealth now because no doubt they will get cancer or break up and then you will really be superior to them and all their money 🙄 Jeez, what a way to view your friends.

whereas everyone else bought really big houses with 4/5 bedrooms, 2/3 bathrooms and an extra study, all in very fancy areas

How many friends exactly have bought houses like this? What sort of sample size are you talking about here?

Has the part time teacher done this alone of are they married to a high-earning accountant with a large inheritance?

Family wealth can definitely make a huge difference from the outset.

People who were able to buy property in London with gifted deposits whilst house prices were (relatively) low 10-15 years ago and on very favourable mortgage terms might have accumulated hundreds of thousands in equity due to house price increases which is then realised when moving up the ladder - they might end up mortgage free, on a low mortgage rate or own multiple properties so then have more disposable income now for holidays, nannies etc., even if they are on the same or lower salaries than others.

People's circumstances aren't directly comparable - some of it is luck, some of it down to career/lifestyle choices but a lot of wealth that I personally come across depended on being able to access the property ladder at the right time.

What does that teacher’s wife/husband do for work?

I’m trying to see the best here but it does feel a bit like you think you’re better and so deserve what they have or more, and are pretty pissed off that it hasn’t happened that way.

Despite not knowing either way, you’ve decided that these people have all been handed vast quantities of endless cash by their families.

It is entirely your issue. Your friends have done nothing wrong here.

This is totally nuts.
If I took your attitude I would literally have no friends as due to developing a chronic health problem I am very limited in my options. So all my friends earn more than me, own nice houses (I still rent), have all got kids (I couldn't have children due to health issues) Can do a lot of things I can no longer manage. Honestly, be grateful for what you do have and try and value your friendships for what they are rather than constantly comparing mostly very surface level stuff.

Some people has questioned the idea of everyone’s in OP’s circle being able to afford big houses, private education for kids, ski trips. People are saying that it’s impossible that her circle is only such people. But she didn’t claim this, she said that in her particular uni friendship group the situation turned out to be like this and it came a bit out of the blue for her. I also suspect that it’s not like each of her friends in this group can afford ALL of these things but it seems ALL of them can afford one or few easily where OP can afford NONE without a significant effort.

I think @Jooliusreezer hits the nail on the head with this:

"I’m trying to see the best here but it does feel a bit like you think you’re better and so deserve what they have or more, and are pretty pissed off that it hasn’t happened that way."

That's not what I meant at all and it isn't a way to view friends - it's just how life is. When you're young and things are all good you have that luxury of fixating on material things and wealth accumulation.