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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel stressed at being left behind our friendship group

235 replies

Feelinadequate23 · 01/03/2023 21:50

DH and I are part of a really close friendship group from uni (where we met). We are all mid-thirties now so have been friends for 15 or so years and we spend a fair amount of time with this group.

At uni we all felt on the same level financially as we all had part time jobs but also all had some financial support from our parents. Then in our twenties we still felt pretty similar, as we all got professional jobs, rented for a bit and then bought 2 bed places with our other halves. DH and I bought in the cheapest place out of the group but we had a nice garden and were near a really fun pub we all used to hang out at, so we didn’t feel like the poor relations, even though we were in the least desirable area.

Then suddenly around the age of 30, it was like everyone else in the friendship group catapulted into a financial level above us out of nowhere. We all got married and had kids so people started moving out of starter homes into family homes. DH and I just upgraded to a 3 bed semi in the same area we were in, whereas everyone else bought really big houses with 4/5 bedrooms, 2/3 bathrooms and an extra study, all in very fancy areas. They’re now all suddenly talking about sending their kids to private primary school, whereas we hadn’t even considered doing that.

It’s starting to get us down as when we meet up it’s like they’re all speaking a different language to us (discussing which room to give to their nanny!) and their ideas of what’s normal are just so different to ours now. We suggested doing a group holiday with kids and were about to suggest a uk holiday cottage type trip, but somehow the conversation turned into them all planning a ski trip, which would mean we couldn’t afford any other trips that year.

The annoying thing is, we’re pretty sure we earn the most out of all the couples, so this money must be coming from their parents - I suspect they were all given hefty deposits and they also all get free holidays with family each year. It’s making us feel really inadequate and also like we can’t hang out with them so much anymore as we can’t join in a lot of the conversations and can’t afford to do some of the things they suggest. It’s very depressing when we work in stressful long hour corporate jobs and they all do nice 9-5s, working in charities and PR firms. But these are our closest friends so we don’t want to lose them.

Considering taking on even more stressful jobs to try to keep up with their lifestyle (which to be fair is very nice and we would love to be able to live like that). AWBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinadequate23 · 01/03/2023 22:34

A few people have asked if they judge us… no I don’t think they do, but maybe worse, I think they might be starting to pity us a bit! Which is just so galling when we work so bloody hard and in stressful roles to make a nice life for our family. I guess it’s quite an ego bruise.

OP posts:
angelikacpickles · 01/03/2023 22:35

Why did they all have part time jobs during university if they all came from wealthy families?

JussathoB · 01/03/2023 22:39

I agree with what Led1519 said - advocate for yourselves a bit more in the group. Make other suggestions if skiing doesn’t suit you for example.
Try to think of the positives in having these friends. There are bound to be differences as time passes and lives change. We can all find our friends a bit annoying at times, or be surprised or even a bit envious of a new direction they might take. If you are able to maintain your friendships then as a bit more time passes you may well find that your connection gets stronger again eg somebody decides they hated the ski holiday for whatever reason and is more keen to do something else.
Another idea is to not always operate as a group, this can be frustrating. Try spending time with another individual couple for instance - the dynamic changes in a four from in a group of 8.

keeptalkinghappytalk · 01/03/2023 22:40

I m with you OP it must be really tough to pretend there isn t a massive gulf between your friends' lifestyles and privilege snd yours. We all know this society is increasingly unfair and ruthless on those without wealth ( and property prices are just enriching an elite of lucky ' inheritors' as the gap grows wider).
you re a bit unusual here ... most people i know jog along with overdrafts, budgets and bloody hard work. They make for easier shared friendships! You have every right to be fed up !

droneyg · 01/03/2023 22:40

the wealth discrepancies don't bother me too much, probably because i'm still friends with people i went to school with & recognise i live in a bit of a bubble. What i am envious of is their ability to have more free time to do school pick ups, after school activities because one parent doesn't work or they are both p/t etc.

Jinpix · 01/03/2023 22:40

I don't feel stressed about it, but I did spend a lot of my early 30s thinking I must be shit with money until I learned how much help some of my friends had (gifts, inheritance etc.)

Shimmermetimbers · 01/03/2023 22:41

My siblings far out earn me. And have had big inheritances from their spouses sides. (Milions in 1 case!)

I don't care, they don't care. We stick to similar budgets for gifts/days out etc.

I don't think it's a real friendship if you feel this way - realistically money can cause a divide but with kindness and love, it doesn't have to.

Your last line about taking on a more stressful job to keep up is really strange. Why does it matter to you so much?

Original poster
Feelinadequate23 · 01/03/2023 22:42

@FakeBilly absolutely they are worth more than that to us. And we’d be very sad to let the friendships drift/I don’t think we’d let that happen. When I go for dinner one on one with those I’m closest to it’s still brilliant and we have really in-depth, interesting discussions. But as we get older the meet-ups are more whole family group meets as people don’t have the time to do smaller groups or to meet without kids (we’re the same in that regard). But the group meet-ups are now getting fancier and more expensive, and we can’t “pay our way”, so to speak.

we all used to go on (affordable) holidays together, now a couple of them are off skiing together, another couple are off to an Italian villa in school holidays. We can do each of these things, but it would then mean no other trip for the year, so it would be a big deal for us, whereas for then it’s one of many trips and they still get quality family time on another holiday.

OP posts:
FakeBilly · 01/03/2023 22:44

droneyg · 01/03/2023 22:26

This makes you sound materialistic, insecure and competitive. Do you really want to be the person always checking anxiously whether other people got a bigger slice of cake than you did? Honestly, OP, aren’t these longterm friends worth more to you than their net worth? Real friendships can encompass difference — I have friends with a lot of money, and friends who scrape by.

I think that's far too simplistic. It's about realising that want you earn isn't actually always as important as family help. It's about the bigger picture.

But the OP says they all got on the housing ladder with parental support — now she’s complaining that her friends have got more later, more substantial support than she did, or is surmising they did so, as she claims they outearn their friends, and work in harder jobs. I think that’s materialistic and competitive.

DH and I got no parental money, ever — our parents are poor, we got through university entirely on scholarships, and we’ve both been helping support them since getting our first jobs. We have friends with substantial trust funds, multiple children at public school, yachts. They’re also wonderful. Measuring, or resenting, that isn’t someone I want to be.

FakeBilly · 01/03/2023 22:45

Feelinadequate23 · 01/03/2023 22:42

@FakeBilly absolutely they are worth more than that to us. And we’d be very sad to let the friendships drift/I don’t think we’d let that happen. When I go for dinner one on one with those I’m closest to it’s still brilliant and we have really in-depth, interesting discussions. But as we get older the meet-ups are more whole family group meets as people don’t have the time to do smaller groups or to meet without kids (we’re the same in that regard). But the group meet-ups are now getting fancier and more expensive, and we can’t “pay our way”, so to speak.

we all used to go on (affordable) holidays together, now a couple of them are off skiing together, another couple are off to an Italian villa in school holidays. We can do each of these things, but it would then mean no other trip for the year, so it would be a big deal for us, whereas for then it’s one of many trips and they still get quality family time on another holiday.

Can they really not tell these holidays are a stretch for you?

neilyoungismyhero · 01/03/2023 22:46

My heart bleeds for you...

Original poster
Feelinadequate23 · 01/03/2023 22:48

@FakeBilly i think the issue is the holidays probably wouldn’t have been too much of a stretch for us pre-kids as we had a smaller mortgage and overall much less outgoings. Once we moved to our house all money got a lot tighter whereas for them money seemed to get much more available! I think that’s the shock here, that none of them have felt

OP posts:
droneyg · 01/03/2023 22:49

DH and I got no parental money, ever — our parents are poor, we got through university entirely on scholarships, and we’ve both been helping support them since getting our first jobs. We have friends with substantial trust funds, multiple children at public school, yachts. They’re also wonderful. Measuring, or resenting, that isn’t someone I want to be.

I think you are misunderstanding my point. Where did I say it was good to be resentful? I said explaining it away as materialistic ignores the huge inequality in this country & the issues around social mobility. Look at public services now, all the strikes due to little wage growth for years. It's all part of a wider issue & how wealth is increasingly going to a smaller pool.

Pootleplum · 01/03/2023 22:51

I can relate to this OP. Most of my friends have similar wealth levels to me which is to say absolutely fortunate, home owners, able to afford holidays abroad etc. but one of my friends is incredibly wealthy because her parents bankroll her and it's not that I can't enjoy her company but I can't relate to her at all. She has tons of properties, so is just accumulating them and keeping them (and then complaining about the hassle of tenants). Her children are at private school, she doesn't work. I just don't relate to her. She does mad stuff like refuse to vaccinate her kids because they have private healthcare and has a nutritionist who costs £500 per hour and encourages her to follow an incredibly restricted diet.

hoorayhooray · 01/03/2023 22:51

I know what you mean. I am older... but feel like this.
It's not necessarily the monetary thing
It's the feeling left behind

Original poster
Feelinadequate23 · 01/03/2023 22:51

@FakeBilly i get what you mean about having richer friends and not letting it impact you. I think for us it’s more that everyone else is rich together and we’re the one couple/family left behind everyone else. It’s not so much that we want what they have, more that we don’t want to be the only ones without it (because it pushes us out of the group a bit)

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 01/03/2023 22:52

I was set go by sympathetic but I'm finding it hard, after reading all your posts OP.

You are clearly well off - you say yourself you are likely the highest-earning couple.

I too find it hard to believe that they can all have such significant family wealth to accommodate such lifestyles. It's odd.

But you must be doing fine, right? You might not have all they have but you are comfortable with a nice life? I'm a single parent in a reasonably paying role, but with insufficient support from ex, kids are permanently with me, & all the same issues as everyone else (CoL, energy crisis etc) I'm really struggling. And I know in turn, there are many much worse off than me.

I can understand the feeling but I think you need to shake yourself a bit.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/03/2023 22:53

I was set go by sympathetic

I was set to be sympathetic, that should read.

Original poster
Feelinadequate23 · 01/03/2023 22:53

@hoorayhooray yes exactly. Not nice to feel lesser all of a sudden after always being equals until recently

OP posts:
Shamoo · 01/03/2023 22:53

If a state school teacher with a partner with a similar paying job is able to have a nanny, send the kids to private school, live in an expensive area in a 4/5 bed house, go skiing and on other expensive holidays each year - then they are being funded by their family in the many 10s of thousands every year. It’s weird that that sort of family wealth has only become obvious when you are all in your 30s, and for all of your friendship group except you. Did you not realise that your friends were all from huge wealth?

FakeBilly · 01/03/2023 22:54

Feelinadequate23 · 01/03/2023 22:48

@FakeBilly i think the issue is the holidays probably wouldn’t have been too much of a stretch for us pre-kids as we had a smaller mortgage and overall much less outgoings. Once we moved to our house all money got a lot tighter whereas for them money seemed to get much more available! I think that’s the shock here, that none of them have felt

But can’t they tell this? Don’t you say? I’m just trying to think how my friendship groups manage huge disparity of incomes — I think I’m just very upfront about saying ‘Can’t afford it’, and I’m also aware that things I do without having to count the cost are out of the reach of some of our friends. We mostly see one another in our houses or the pub, and everyone’s pretty honest and tactful about what’s in and out of individual budgets.

Original poster
Feelinadequate23 · 01/03/2023 22:55

@EarringsandLipstick absolutely. We are extremely fortunate. This post is not at all about not having enough money. It’s about how to maintain friendships when the group dynamics constantly make you feel unsuccessful, insecure and lacking somehow, because you just can’t keep up.

OP posts:
emsie12345 · 01/03/2023 22:56

3.9 million children in poverty. Yes, it's a wider issue. Fuckng holidays? Look down, mate.

Genie321 · 01/03/2023 22:58

You sound jealous of your friends. I have friends that have more than me, others who have less. It doesn't change our friendship. You should celebrate each other, not bitch about their holidays/house/children's schools. You sound toxic.

Genevieva · 01/03/2023 23:00

Unless the school fees are paid for by the grandparents, they will feel the pinch once they start paying those for two or three kids. They will also find that their children have friends who live a half hour drive away. Meanwhile your kids will have friends within walking distance of home and will be learning much the same sorts of things in school. I would stick to your current choices.

My husband and I are, like our parents, very abstemious. We live in a smaller house than most of our friends. I love it - it is old and beautiful with stunning views of the countryside. I would never leave simply because of the view from the kitchen sink. I used to be a bit self-conscious about not having a dining room for dinner parties and all that jazz, but I learnt not to be, not least because we now have no mortgage. It is an amazing feeling owning the roof over your head outright. I have no desire to borrow more money for a bigger house. As time has gone on I have been amazed by the discoveries I have made of friends who borrow the maximum the bank will allow and stretch themselves to the limit. It will all come crashing down for some of them at some point. I just hope it isn't too painful.