To feel stressed at being left behind our friendship group

[Feelinadequate23]

DH and I are part of a really close friendship group from uni (where we met). We are all mid-thirties now so have been friends for 15 or so years and we spend a fair amount of time with this group.

At uni we all felt on the same level financially as we all had part time jobs but also all had some financial support from our parents. Then in our twenties we still felt pretty similar, as we all got professional jobs, rented for a bit and then bought 2 bed places with our other halves. DH and I bought in the cheapest place out of the group but we had a nice garden and were near a really fun pub we all used to hang out at, so we didn’t feel like the poor relations, even though we were in the least desirable area.

Then suddenly around the age of 30, it was like everyone else in the friendship group catapulted into a financial level above us out of nowhere. We all got married and had kids so people started moving out of starter homes into family homes. DH and I just upgraded to a 3 bed semi in the same area we were in, whereas everyone else bought really big houses with 4/5 bedrooms, 2/3 bathrooms and an extra study, all in very fancy areas. They’re now all suddenly talking about sending their kids to private primary school, whereas we hadn’t even considered doing that.

It’s starting to get us down as when we meet up it’s like they’re all speaking a different language to us (discussing which room to give to their nanny!) and their ideas of what’s normal are just so different to ours now. We suggested doing a group holiday with kids and were about to suggest a uk holiday cottage type trip, but somehow the conversation turned into them all planning a ski trip, which would mean we couldn’t afford any other trips that year.

The annoying thing is, we’re pretty sure we earn the most out of all the couples, so this money must be coming from their parents - I suspect they were all given hefty deposits and they also all get free holidays with family each year. It’s making us feel really inadequate and also like we can’t hang out with them so much anymore as we can’t join in a lot of the conversations and can’t afford to do some of the things they suggest. It’s very depressing when we work in stressful long hour corporate jobs and they all do nice 9-5s, working in charities and PR firms. But these are our closest friends so we don’t want to lose them.

Considering taking on even more stressful jobs to try to keep up with their lifestyle (which to be fair is very nice and we would love to be able to live like that). AWBU?

But the OP bought a property in her 20s without family help. She then traded up without family help, but not as much as her friends did. She’s convinced family help funds their lifestyle differences, yet has said she could potentially earn more to fund a similar lifestyle but doesn’t want the stress.

family help is an easy answer - harder than “they have made other choices as a couple”.

(that’s not to say that perhaps there has been some family help, it’s unlikely the scale of the difference has been entirely family funded if they haven’t had parents die and didn’t appear to be from money as teens)

I should imagine inheritances have been received.

@Schnooze - the op says they’ve had no bereavements of close family members.

It’s very unusual for a group of people to follow such a consistent pattern of activity, I think that’s the odd part not that you now feel things are unequal. We have friends of more than 20 years with much more money and much less. Friends who own huge houses and others who rent above shops. Friends who holiday abroad many times a year, others who are lucky if they can afford a weekend camping. Love them all the same, can talk to them about anything.

Why are you so insecure? Isn’t there more to these friendships than stuff and houses and holidays?

Absolutely this! My friends are my friends. What we have or don't have doesn't come into the equation at all.

There is this idea on MN that the only way to get a wealthy lifestyle in the UK is family money, it’s a factor, but it does cover the big range in incomes for “professional” jobs.

It’s not helpful, because it does mean if you don’t come from a wealthy family, no only will you not get help, but you might not realise just how much you could be earning in a different profession or even doing a similar role in a different company.

Wouldn't it be a strange world if all friends earned the same. I do get that it can cause tensions but there is no shame in earning your own ££££

No matter how good and strong a friendship is, sometimes it comes to a natural conclusion, and you need to acknowledge that it might be time to invest less in it. That doesn't mean you fall out or cut anyone off, but simply give that friendship less of your time and attention.

It might feel sad to do it, but over time you will start to feel less inferior, you'll be less focused on financial comparison. It's better for your self-esteem and mental health.

You say the group only want to meet as a group because they don't have time for individual meets, but then you say some are skiing together and something else? So concentrate on inviting individuals or a smaller few of the group for a dinner or day out, decline the group holiday invitations. You don't need to justify it, just say joining the group holiday this year doesn't work for us but would love to have dinner soon.

I have been in a similar situation. I had three really close friends from uni, we were a real "set", did all sorts together for a long time, I thought they would be friends for life. But then gradually, one by one each of them got married and I hadn't found "the one". It was awkward going for dinners and holidays as the only single with three couples. Children came along for them but not me. Holidays were then child-friendly places, I joined in but was the "different one". It's impossible not to compare lives. It made me anxious and quite depressed. I stopped going along to group meets and instead invited just original friends out. Sometimes they came, sometimes not because they didn't always have the time with busy family lives. 20 years on from first meeting, we are now just facebook friends with a birthday text message. It's sad to have lost the group, but it was the right thing for me to do. Different circumstances for me and you but in both cases we were/are feeling different from the group norm.

Point being, just because you've been close friends, doesn't mean you always should be. Don't give time and attention to something that doesn't make you feel good. A friendship should be a rewarding relationship, not drain your morale.

Sometimes it isn’t parents handing over cash but giving their children knowledge to not sell an appreciating asset that will pay for itself and boost their income that is worth its weight in gold.

I worked with someone who despite her and her husband being on minimum wage their parents had told them to buy 2 x 1 bed flats to start off with instead of the 2 bed flat they thought at a pinch they could afford.
1 to live in and 1 to rent out. The idea initially was that if you keep both flats for long enough you could sell one and the profit would pay off the mortgage on the other.
Each move they bought 2 properties 1 to live in and 1 to rent out.
I knew her when they had just made the move from a 2 bed terrace to a 3
bed semi.

That income from your friends original flats plus remortgaging to release more funds will make them have a larger income even without any parental help.

It is better to work smarter not harder.
Maybe not working stressful or full time jobs means they have time to look around at what is happening and taking the time to work out if they continue down a path where it will lead.

Getting help to get on the ladder us definitely a thing in London

www.standard.co.uk/insider/london-housing-bank-of-mum-and-dad-deposits-first-time-buyers-inheritocracy-b1059142.html

Your friends sound quite tone deaf.