To feel stressed at being left behind our friendship group

[Feelinadequate23]

DH and I are part of a really close friendship group from uni (where we met). We are all mid-thirties now so have been friends for 15 or so years and we spend a fair amount of time with this group.

At uni we all felt on the same level financially as we all had part time jobs but also all had some financial support from our parents. Then in our twenties we still felt pretty similar, as we all got professional jobs, rented for a bit and then bought 2 bed places with our other halves. DH and I bought in the cheapest place out of the group but we had a nice garden and were near a really fun pub we all used to hang out at, so we didn’t feel like the poor relations, even though we were in the least desirable area.

Then suddenly around the age of 30, it was like everyone else in the friendship group catapulted into a financial level above us out of nowhere. We all got married and had kids so people started moving out of starter homes into family homes. DH and I just upgraded to a 3 bed semi in the same area we were in, whereas everyone else bought really big houses with 4/5 bedrooms, 2/3 bathrooms and an extra study, all in very fancy areas. They’re now all suddenly talking about sending their kids to private primary school, whereas we hadn’t even considered doing that.

It’s starting to get us down as when we meet up it’s like they’re all speaking a different language to us (discussing which room to give to their nanny!) and their ideas of what’s normal are just so different to ours now. We suggested doing a group holiday with kids and were about to suggest a uk holiday cottage type trip, but somehow the conversation turned into them all planning a ski trip, which would mean we couldn’t afford any other trips that year.

The annoying thing is, we’re pretty sure we earn the most out of all the couples, so this money must be coming from their parents - I suspect they were all given hefty deposits and they also all get free holidays with family each year. It’s making us feel really inadequate and also like we can’t hang out with them so much anymore as we can’t join in a lot of the conversations and can’t afford to do some of the things they suggest. It’s very depressing when we work in stressful long hour corporate jobs and they all do nice 9-5s, working in charities and PR firms. But these are our closest friends so we don’t want to lose them.

Considering taking on even more stressful jobs to try to keep up with their lifestyle (which to be fair is very nice and we would love to be able to live like that). AWBU?

I do get that.

It feels a little like the dynamics might be off then - once you all have a certain level of wealth, ie all employed, homeowners, reasonable disposable income, then I think the disparity shouldn't matter.

I w

You know what else makes you feel insecure and lacking somehow, because you just can’t keep up?
Hunger. Think yourself out of it pet.

It’s weird that that sort of family wealth has only become obvious when you are all in your 30s, and for all of your friendship group except you. Did you not realise that your friends were all from huge wealth?

I think so much is tied up in housing that the money is only accessible when people get older & the older generations die.

Grr. Posted too soon.

I wonder if the friendship is as meaningful as you think, if it is so predicated on shared activities costing a lot of money?

Yabu

did you not ever go back with these uni mates to their parental homes? I had some very comfortably off mates at uni which I had no idea about until I spent a weekend with them. The friend seemed like me- had no airs and was just a lovely person.

I think though for such good friends for none of them to say in a slightly self deprecating way “well we were given a bit of early inheritance/a bit of a lump to start us off/ we got lucky with the property market and dads help” then I would feel like it was some sort of deception. And that’s the bit that would bug me.

my very close friend and I have been until very recently level pegging in terms of jobs/lifestyles and then she decides to sell up and move to the countryside. Her lifestyle is more extravagant now, but it makes no odds as she knows she’s been canny with flipping her property and I’m happy she decided to do that. She goes on multiple
holidays and has designer things now. We still meet for our weekends away and it doesn’t get in the way. We do stuff we enjoy together that is in budget. She wouldn’t embarrass me by saying let’s go to the savoy for tea. It’s tacit what can be afforded.

on the other hand. One friend has gone from wealth to breadline in 3 short years and that’s also hard.

it shouldn’t change how you feel about people. I’d say ride it out.

one for example is a state school primary teacher, another has a fundraising role for a small charity

Are we talking about two people married to each other who have these kinds of jobs? Or individuals married to spouses who possibly have quite different jobs? It's possible for one half of a couple to have this kind of job while the other is a major earner. My husband and I are probably a little bit like this (though not as extreme as your friends, perhaps. And we certainly don't have that kind of house!).

It's understandable that you feel a bit left out if they are planning things you can't afford. Are you OK with levelling with them a bit (actually saying "a ski trip is not possible for us as we've spent a lot of money on our housing deposit; if anyone would be interested in doing a less expensive get-together before/after that, we'd be up for that instead?" I have friends who I know are a lot less well off than me; we just plan fun, affordable things to do, like picnics in the park, or asking them to suggest the restaurant or activity so that they can choose something they have the budget for. If you care about a friend, you are (discreetly) sensitive about this kind of thing, but it's possible your friends just haven't twigged that your income is lower than theirs.

As for the talk (talking about nannies), OP, I know this can be hard, but you have to just decide that you don't care and stop letting it get to you. If you own your own property and have no financial worries, you're doing better than half the people in this country. And your friends do have the right to talk about their nannies or expensive holidays; you can't exactly ask them to stop talking about things that are relevant to their lives.

I have a feeling we will see more of this kind of thing in the future. As the boomers pass away, some people will, in middle age, come into a lot of money, while others will not (because some elderly parents did not own property, owned less valuable property, or had to sell it to pay for long term nursing care). It will lead to some interesting dynamics among established friendship groups.

@Kokeshi123 yes, someone I used to work with & had a very ordinary background, immigrant parents one was a nurse & one was a teacher has just inherited a house worth about 2m that her parents bought yrs ago in Hackney when nobody wanted to live there.

Maybe it's time for new friends. You are seriously unreasonable to consider taking on even more stressful jobs to keep up with the Joneses. Come on, OP. You must know that.

Yep this. Doesn’t make sense. I have plenty of friends whose parents have helped them on the property ladder. Only the exceedingly rich ones have families who fund private school and pay for family holidays. I always knew those ones were exceedingly rich. This doesn’t add up.

This part didn't add up for me either

My parents were like this. Totally unmaterialistic but with very extravagant friends.

They both sadly passed away last year and the grief is massive, but the estate is huge.

Some people are just better with money than others. If we were to ask one of our friends why they had a smaller house thsn another of our group they would certainly blame lack of parental funds.

In reality they are dreadful with their money. They own the most up to date tech, eat out twice if not more times a week, have membership for tennis clubs, golf clubs, football tickets, and it goes on like that. The friends they compare themselves to don't value those things so don't have them.

@Marchitectmummy i can assure you we are not like that! We don’t spend anything on clothes/tech/ eating out. All our money goes on mortgage, nursery fees and savings to hopefully be able to fix some issues with the house in the next couple of years.

@Bunce1 yes, it does feel like deception! Like with the private school discussion, it would all feel much easier if they said “jemima is due to start school next year so we’re looking at where to apply. We’re actually really fortunate that PIL have offered some money towards school fees so we’re looking at private schools as well as state”. Or, “we’re really fortunate to have a very low mortgage after DParent’s contribution to our house deposit so we can just about squeeze to private school fees”. Then I could just honestly reply, oh that’s really nice of PIL/your parents. which schools are you looking at? And not feel a need to explain why we’re not.

But instead the conversation is something like “jemima’s starting school next year so we’re looking at where to apply. We’ve looked at X prep which is the closest but Y prep has a better reputation. Which preps are you looking at for young Jonny?” And then we feel we have to say “oh actually we can’t afford private school so we’re just looking at the local state”, making it sound like we’re somehow less successful than them. But we’re not! Just haven’t been given any extra money!

@angelikacpickles with hindsight they were either “fun” jobs that weren’t really like working - a couple of them and my DH worked in the student bar. So they really got paid to hang out with their friends.

or they were forward-thinking CV jobs, like one did part-time marketing for a local company.

none of them were working in the local supermarket or for long hours. (Neither was I, to be fair).

Friendships drift apart for all sorts of reasons and this sounds like a valid one. It's pretty boring being friends with people you don't have a lot in common with regardless of the reason.

If one skiing trip or one joint stay in an Italian villa would wipe out your entire holiday find for the year, then you probably aren’t the highest earners in the group. You come across as being both jealous and condescending to your friends at the same time.

I am from a poor background but I have friends from very wealthy backgrounds and I have never had these kind of issues. I know they got help with their housing and I didn’t, so what, I got there. I don’t see why this means I can’t socialise with them or even go on holidays with them.

I find it bizarre that you aren’t sure if you can continue being friends with people that seem to be doing better than you. And I also don’t believe that their parents have suddenly started to find every aspect of their lifestyle.

*holiday fund

Those questioning how I didn’t realise they were all very wealthy - some of them it’s the new other half that has the wealthy parents so I’ve never been to their house. Some of them had parents in London and I think wealth doesn’t always come across the same in London - a nice terrace house can be worth millions and you wouldn’t realise that unless you knew the local market well.

Others did seem well-off but not excessively so and I just never realised the extent to which the wealth would pass down so quickly. Nobody ever mentioned beforehand that they would be gifted a deposit. To be clear, non of the families are celeb-level wealthy, they don’t have yachts or mansions with pools or anything! Just nice, large-ish house, kids went to private school, couple of nice holidays a year.

Why do you think your friends have to explain themselves to you! You sound more bitter and twisted with every post.

@Aprilx fair enough. I think it’s just a shock to us as we have all been equals for so long and then all of a sudden they are living a different lifestyle to us, even though we are working the longest hours and putting the most effort in to our careers.

I work in PR and it is absolutely not a 9-5 job.

Ultimately this is your insecurity and they are not "making" you feel this way, their financial situations are not really much to do with you - it would probably be a good idea to really reflect on why it hurts you so much that you perceive your friends to be doing "better" than you - for example, why is your self-perception so dependent on what others are doing? Why is it limited to money and holidays?

Can you find a way to be happy for your friends that they have (what you perceive to be) more resources than you do? If you can't be happy for your friends when they are doing well, they are probably not really friends.

You could also be more proactive in the group in suggesting and organising things you can afford.