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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not use the baby name we picked because she has used it?

234 replies

Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:02

So I'll try to be as unemotional about this as possible and this is incredibly outing but I'm genuinely at a loss as what to do.

Also this is my first ever thread and I'm not 100% sure on all the MN acronyms!

I have a step-sister who I lived with since I was aged 6 until 15 (she went to university). Our family consists of my mum, brother, me and my sted-dad and two step-sisters.

DSS is 4 years older than me. She became pregnant last spring/summer. I became pregnant last summer. Her due date was 8 weeks before mine. Both expecting girls.

DSS told my mum she liked the name Josephine. My mum told her Elciekay has chosen that name.

DSS said 'oh well we are going to call her Joey and Elciekay can call hers Josie'

Fast forward to today and DSS has finally told my Mum she named her daughter Josphine (4 weeks old)

I am very upset as I had my heart set on Josephine/Josie.
I am due in 4 weeks.

So my question is, do I use the name anyway or not? Yes we have other options but none feel quite right.

For what it's worth the family get together now between 8-10 times a year.

So:

  • AIBU it's a name, who cares if they have the same name?
  • YANBU they can't have the same name, pick something else
OP posts:
Original poster
Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:03

Oops I meant YABU it's a name, who cares if they have the same name?

OP posts:
bellylaughsalldaylong · 28/02/2023 23:05

I wouldn’t use it

Alpiniste · 28/02/2023 23:05

They can have the same name, but in these circumstances I (and I am not you) would choose something else.

your DSS does not mind them having the same name (or doesn’t mind enough to ‘risk it’). So do what you want.

gooseduckchicken · 28/02/2023 23:06

You can use the name. She knew you planned to use it and said she didn't mind.

I have cousins that share the same name. It's a family name that's gone down through the generations. I don't think it's that uncommon.

Yahyahs22 · 28/02/2023 23:07

I loved the name my brother picked for a girl, he's yet to have children but says if he ever has a girl he'll use that. I've had two boys and said if I had a girl I want that name so bad, he said he would still use it. I never would use it as in my head it's 'his' name, but I know full well if I did he still would. And it would be fine. If your baby feels like the name you've chosen and all the other names feel like imposters, use the name.

QuestionsFromThePublic · 28/02/2023 23:08

Use it anyway.

One of my old school friends is called Josie. I love that name. If her cousin is Joey that will be fine.

Tbh if I liked a name I would use it regardless. Big Irish family here. Cousins and generation all called the first and last name. Somehow it does not get confusing.

Threee · 28/02/2023 23:09

Just use the name Josephine if you like it. She knew you planned to call your baby by the name and nobody owns a name.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 28/02/2023 23:09

If it were me I'd maybe christen Josie if that's what you plan to use. I'd probably just choose one for the other million or so available girls names, maybe having Josie, Jo or Josephine as a middle name. It'll all just be a funny story a year from now.

Oohhhh · 28/02/2023 23:12

Sounds like you both planned to use it without each other knowing. She has decided to keep it, you can decide to keep it. It's just a name, you barely see one another.

Original poster
Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:13

@Oohhhh ah see this is where I might be drip feeding but I am trying to keep the emotion out of it.

In August 2021, we were pregnant and told the whole family our girl name. We then lost that baby.

So she definitely knew...

OP posts:
TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 23:16

You're basically sisters, it would be actually insane for you to call both your children, born at practically the same time, the same name.

I mean, do it if you want, but if I was her (and if I was anyone else too), I'd think you were nuts. And copying her for some weird reason.

Yahyahs22 · 28/02/2023 23:16

That's very strange that she picked the same name as your angel baby...
Is there past drama between the two of you?

TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 23:18

Yahyahs22 · 28/02/2023 23:16

That's very strange that she picked the same name as your angel baby...
Is there past drama between the two of you?

Ick at angel baby...but its no stranger than OP wanting to use it if she already picked it for an entirely different foetus. That's odd.

Oohhhh · 28/02/2023 23:18

She knowingly picked the name of your angel baby? That's crossing a line big time. I'd use the name and have nothing to do with her tbh.

Thisismeyeah · 28/02/2023 23:18

It really doesn't matter choose whatever name you like. I would stear clear of wierd spellings though, for me that's more important, while it's cute for some you are devoting and entire lifetime of that person having to spell out their name

Eyerollcentral · 28/02/2023 23:19

If you want to call the baby Josephine call the baby Josephine. I have more than one sibling and cousin with the same name. It’s not a big deal. In the past I’d say it was actually reasonably common.

Original poster
Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:21

@Yahyahs22 not so much drama between us two but she is who I am least close to.

Historically, her sister 'stole' the university she wanted to go to so maybe this is normal for them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:22

@TheBigWangTheory interesting perspective... aside from it being the name I've wanted since childhood, using it was recommended by my grief counsellor!

OP posts:
TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 23:25

Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:22

@TheBigWangTheory interesting perspective... aside from it being the name I've wanted since childhood, using it was recommended by my grief counsellor!

I would find that utterly bizarre from a grief counsellor. If you've already attached to a foetus enough to name it, why would you then give the name to another child?
I know people used to call new babies after previous ones that lived and died, but that wouldn;t be seen as normal now.

Original poster
Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:25

@Oohhhh so this is a very real possibility.

I'm concerned that if I don't use the name and decide to cut her off later (trying to not make big decisions whilst hormal and pregnant!) I will massively regret it.

If I do use the name and choose not to cut her off then will I always be bitter and it bug me that they will always be compared?

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 28/02/2023 23:27

Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:21

@Yahyahs22 not so much drama between us two but she is who I am least close to.

Historically, her sister 'stole' the university she wanted to go to so maybe this is normal for them?

Oh fgs…

Original poster
Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:27

@TheBigWangTheory it was presented as to allow first loss to live on through another? To feel like ive not necessarily lost first baby as shes part of this one.

I have zero counselling/training etc so no idea if this is/was a good thing to be told?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:28

@Eyerollcentral yeh I know. I had no idea it was a thing but apparently caused huge upset at the time for DSS.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 28/02/2023 23:30

Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:25

@Oohhhh so this is a very real possibility.

I'm concerned that if I don't use the name and decide to cut her off later (trying to not make big decisions whilst hormal and pregnant!) I will massively regret it.

If I do use the name and choose not to cut her off then will I always be bitter and it bug me that they will always be compared?

Sorry but you are considering cutting a family member off for using the same name as you? There is a lot of dysfunction here for you to consider doing that. I can imagine feeling a bit out out but to say what if I can never get over it is extreme. They are always going to be compared anyway as they are so close in age. You can’t control that

Whataretheodds · 28/02/2023 23:30

Weird of her to name her baby after your baby that died.

Weird of the grief counsellor to suggest naming your next baby after the first one. 'allow first loss to live on through another' I'm astonished. The baby you're expecting now should be allowed to be its own person not a phantom of its dead sibling.

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