AIBU to not use the baby name we picked because she has used it?

[Elciekay]

So I'll try to be as unemotional about this as possible and this is incredibly outing but I'm genuinely at a loss as what to do.

Also this is my first ever thread and I'm not 100% sure on all the MN acronyms!

I have a step-sister who I lived with since I was aged 6 until 15 (she went to university). Our family consists of my mum, brother, me and my sted-dad and two step-sisters.

DSS is 4 years older than me. She became pregnant last spring/summer. I became pregnant last summer. Her due date was 8 weeks before mine. Both expecting girls.

DSS told my mum she liked the name Josephine. My mum told her Elciekay has chosen that name.

DSS said 'oh well we are going to call her Joey and Elciekay can call hers Josie'

Fast forward to today and DSS has finally told my Mum she named her daughter Josphine (4 weeks old)

I am very upset as I had my heart set on Josephine/Josie.
I am due in 4 weeks.

So my question is, do I use the name anyway or not? Yes we have other options but none feel quite right.

For what it's worth the family get together now between 8-10 times a year.

So:

• AIBU it's a name, who cares if they have the same name?

• YANBU they can't have the same name, pick something else

I don't find it nasty. Blunt maybe but there's no malice there. I find the term Angel Baby rather icky too (but not quite as bad as Rainbow Baby).

You can still use it. JoJo is a nice diminutive too. Or look at Baby Names Wizard for similar options. Genevieve?

Don't want to presume but are you Irish? It's not usual in England. I don't think anyone would think it was abnormal, but it would certainly get noticed and probably commented on.

Having read further, so sorry your previous baby didn’t make it. I also think it is nice to use the same name you had planned for your earlier pregnancy.

I have a cousin with the same name as me and we both like itMakes us feel like in a special club as if we were twins or something. It is sweet. Use the name of it has not been too tarnished for you.

Use Harriet as a middle name for your first daughter but give this child her own name.

Historically it was normal.
Historically lots of bad ideas were normal.

This. Remember your first baby with that name and start again with a new name for this baby

It does sound like you could all do with some help to get along though. This whole idea of stealing things from one another needs dealing with. You can't steal a university - I've known several siblings go to the same uni as each other and nobody would think anyone stole it!

Josephine is much nicer that Harriet!

I wouldn’t use it, mainly because for your daughter I think it’d be nice to have her own name rather than the same as her cousin.

I think using Harriet as a middle name would be a lovely way to honour your loss.

The first name that really jumped out for me was Rosanna Harriet, nicknames could be Rosie or Annie which has a similar feel to Hattie.

Florence Harriet is also very pretty!

Others I really like:

Tabitha Harriet
Beatrice/Beatrix Harriet
Daisy Harriet

I think there are so many beautiful names to choose from, you can find something just as special for your daughter.

@Elciekay My cousin called her daughter Hattie - no Harriet, just Hattie. Could you perhaps do that?

Did she realise that you still intended to use the name?

Perhaps she thought she was honouring your loss?

I wouldn't use the name because of what your counsellor said unless you still really want to.

I kind of love that she could be called Josephine because of this thread. You can tell her that all of her mumsnet aunties helped picked her name

Since you have Penny down, you could do Penelope as her full name and Penny for the nickname.

For Mattie/Maddie there’s also Madeleine, which can shorten to Maddie (or Mimi!). Meredith also seems to get shortened to Maddie pretty commonly.

Or if you wanted to go in a wildly different direction I think Caroline is lovely and have heard it shorted to Carrie, Caro, and Lina which I think are all cute!

Whatever you choose is going to be perfect. I’m glad you are feeling a bit better about it. 💐

I personally wouldn’t, but if your DSS’s fine with it and you’re fine with it what does it matter what a bunch of strangers think about it? 🤷🏻‍♀️

It seems the family is weirdly competitive.

Like, why did her sister 'steal' university? Do they not know more than one person can attend the same establishment (and often do)? So she feels compelled to 'steal' something else from someone else? Bizarre. If the only original thing about her would be going to a university that no one in her fmaily picked, I think best to not engage much with her.

Just use another name for gawd sake, all this drama!
There are virtually infinite numbers of names. 10 minutes after you name the baby, that is who she will be and you can forget all this nonsense.

Matilda and use Mattie. Much nicer and very much the same feel.

Do you mind if I ask to check- was the baby you lost a girl and you called her Harriet? Or was it an earlier loss, but you had told family that Harriet was your girls name of choice? I thought the latter, but I can see several posters who thought the former and it does make a big difference I think.

I think you should still use Harriet if you want to, especially as your daughters will be known by very different shortenings. But Penny is lovely too, and I also quite like Josephine! I would shorten it to Posy though, I think.

Best of luck with your pregnancy 💐

I wouldn't use it as I wouldn't want acquaintances to think I had copied. I think Harriet is popular enough that it wouldn't be a big deal if you went ahead though.

Fwiw I don't think the stepsister has done anything wrong here, it read to me that OP had an early loss but had told the family they were thinking of Harriet for a girl - not that they had a little girl that they named Harriet. In which case from the step sister's pov, the name hasn't been used in the family, and OP may well have changed her mind anyway as so many of us do from that stage.

Well I wouldn’t have used the name if I were her in that case, but I also wouldn’t use it again if I were you either. I find that even stranger to be honest.

I can see this.

Just imagine being a teenager full of hormones and self loathing and thinking to yourself “I wonder what the real Josie would be like” or “if they’d had the first Josie, I wouldn’t be here”.

I think it’s great that as a society we are less secretive about miscarriage and stillbirth now but I think we do need to think carefully, amongst being so open, about the information we share with our children who are perhaps too young to understand.

I had a few miscarriages between DC 1 and 2 and I think I won’t share that information with my children until they’re older - perhaps adults thinking about their own fertility - it’s too much to put on children. Just my own decision.

Also OP I wouldn’t want to use a name a step sibling used. It sounds like you see them a lot (8-10x a year?) so it’s not like a cousin that you only see at weddings and funerals.

Use it. My 3 aunties all named their sons after their dad so we have 3 Michaels all around the same is age. We have Michael James, Michael Joseph, and Michael Patrick. No one thinks it’s silly x

Jacqueline would also work the way you want it to, and has a similar vibe to Josephine…nicknames could be Jacqui/Jackie or Jacque/Jack.

Irrespective of your stepsister, I wouldn't use the name you chose for your first baby. To me, that's he name and new baby should have a different name. I also find it odd to suggest your first baby lives on through new baby. New baby will be her own person

I also prefer Josephine

… but how about Hester, which can be shortened to Hetty?