AIBU to not use the baby name we picked because she has used it?

[Elciekay]

So I'll try to be as unemotional about this as possible and this is incredibly outing but I'm genuinely at a loss as what to do.

Also this is my first ever thread and I'm not 100% sure on all the MN acronyms!

I have a step-sister who I lived with since I was aged 6 until 15 (she went to university). Our family consists of my mum, brother, me and my sted-dad and two step-sisters.

DSS is 4 years older than me. She became pregnant last spring/summer. I became pregnant last summer. Her due date was 8 weeks before mine. Both expecting girls.

DSS told my mum she liked the name Josephine. My mum told her Elciekay has chosen that name.

DSS said 'oh well we are going to call her Joey and Elciekay can call hers Josie'

Fast forward to today and DSS has finally told my Mum she named her daughter Josphine (4 weeks old)

I am very upset as I had my heart set on Josephine/Josie.
I am due in 4 weeks.

So my question is, do I use the name anyway or not? Yes we have other options but none feel quite right.

For what it's worth the family get together now between 8-10 times a year.

So:

• AIBU it's a name, who cares if they have the same name?

• YANBU they can't have the same name, pick something else

This is something my step sister and I would do because we're so similar! (Isn't it weird how step sisters can be similar despite no shared genes!)

I dont think naming your baby after the baby you lost is a good idea? They're different babies. One isn't a replacement for the other.

I am no expert but surely you need to detach from "the name" to move forwards and heal.

I also think going no contact is rather silly. After all, you're more alike than you realise! Hence this issue in the first place.

I love Josephine as a name. It's gorgeous!

If naming your baby Josephine is what you want and will make you happy then do it.

You need to think about you and what you need to do in order to feel right. It doesn't matter what your ss or anyone else does or thinks.

Sorry for your loss.

Josephine is a great name! If her daughter will be Joey and yours Josie, no one will ever even consider that they’re both Josephine!
our neighbour was a Josephine and she got called Jose (teenager). I work with an older Josephine who calls herself Jo. lots of options to differentiate, especially if you have different surnames.

Yes that was a big drip feed!! Her calling her baby your angel baby name, assuming she knew that name is very weird!! However, I would definitely not go on to use this name! That’s your angel baby’s name.. not a new baby’s name! I would find a new, unique name so you can remember your angel baby separately and also cause no upset!

Use the name.

And this is how you can tell that anyone can call themselves a counsellor. That is absolutely terrible and inappropriate advise. Your DD deserves to have a name that belongs to her alone.

I wouldnt use it. You are perfectly entitled to but personally I wouldn't.

I like your three alternatives very much.

I am.sorry about the loss of your first baby. Having been through similar, I think you need a different name. I think of DS2, b27 weeks, as a separate entity from DS1 and DD (DD being born 51 weeks later). I wouldn’t have used Alexandra for dd or Alexander had she been a boy because that name was DS2's alone.

Having said that we know a blended family with two Harry's, both aged 17 now. It hasn't been an issue.

Good luck.

You know what’s more icky? Policing how people refer to their dead children.

Normally I say no but I think you can use it for the following reason;

1. she said it was fine
2. various nickname options
3. you clearly aren’t close and don’t speak much
4. you don’t see each other often

Its not like these children will be growing up together so I think it’s fine.

A teenager full of raging hormones could also be thinking “I wonder if the first baby had lived would I even exist” so by that logic we shouldn’t even go on to have babies post miscarriage just in case they might get upset as an irrational teenager.

I agree with all of this.
Find another name for the sake of your baby.

But you might use the nickname but that doesn't mean everyone will. When she starts school she will be registered as Harriet and so teachers and friends might use her formal name then. I'd go with Hattie if that's what you plan on calling her all the time anyway and DSS can't say anything about that

Honestly @Elciekay if I had been her I would have assumed you wouldn't use it because it was the name you picked for the daughter you lost. I find it a bizarre suggestion from your grief counsellor and wonder if your second daughter will always feel under the shadow of your first...

I would use it, it means so much to you I think you might always regret not doing it. Cousins having the same name is fine in my book, and as others have said it's very common in certain cultures, religions etc. and just where families have multi generational names. You will be able to differentiate, it will be a minor inconvenience at worst, but that's better than you always wishing yous done it. That aside, it was horrible of her to use the name in my opinion....

Agree with this.

ive had several miscarriages but not so late that I knew the sex or named them. If I’d lost a baby late enough to know the sex and give them a name I wouldn’t use that name for any subsequent children.

in this situation for that reason alone I’d find a new name.

I actually prefer all your alternatives. My niece has just had a baby and her middle name is the name of my SILs baby that died a few hours after birth. Its a lovely touch.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I personally wouldn’t name baby the same as your baby who passed away. I would use Harriet as a middle name though.

I do like Hattie on it’s own, could that be an option?
Also really like the name Josephine/ Josie.

@Elciekay - congratulations on your pregnancy. Sincere condolences on your earlier loss.

Can I suggest that you stop telling your family all of your decisions, all of your details, and so on? The less information of this type that they know, the less information of this type that they can share with others, reducing the likelihood of someone 'taking' a name that you had earmarked for your own use.

No need to be rude if asked, just deflect the question.

Hattie and Harry are quite different so I wouldn't let that bother me, only you know whether having the same name as the baby you lost would be an issue for you.

You could use it as a middle name or give it as the first name on the birth certificate but call the baby by the middle name. My father is known by his middle name and always had been as his first name was the "family" name & there were loads of them. This is obviously discounting any future discussions with your child about the planned use of the name for the lost older sibling.

Alternatively, I like Mattie which is similar. If your DSS knew about all of this I think she's been insensitive, but there's nothing you can do about that now. Maybe this baby deserves a name no one can associate with any of this stuff - her own unique name? Use Harriet as her middle in honour of her sister. That's what I would do I think.

Use Harriet as a middle name and choose an individual first one for her. Then you still have the rememberence of your loss, and your baby is an individual in her own right. X

This was exactly my thinking too, but I didn't want to get jumped on for saying it. I'm not convinced naming a baby the same as the one you lost is a good idea, I'm surprised a counsellor would suggest this.

I'd find a completely new name.

I find it more odd that she’d choose the name of the baby her dss lost. Give your lovely Dd her own name with Harriet as the middle name. That’s a special link to her sister without being in the shadow.