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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not use the baby name we picked because she has used it?

234 replies

Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:02

So I'll try to be as unemotional about this as possible and this is incredibly outing but I'm genuinely at a loss as what to do.

Also this is my first ever thread and I'm not 100% sure on all the MN acronyms!

I have a step-sister who I lived with since I was aged 6 until 15 (she went to university). Our family consists of my mum, brother, me and my sted-dad and two step-sisters.

DSS is 4 years older than me. She became pregnant last spring/summer. I became pregnant last summer. Her due date was 8 weeks before mine. Both expecting girls.

DSS told my mum she liked the name Josephine. My mum told her Elciekay has chosen that name.

DSS said 'oh well we are going to call her Joey and Elciekay can call hers Josie'

Fast forward to today and DSS has finally told my Mum she named her daughter Josphine (4 weeks old)

I am very upset as I had my heart set on Josephine/Josie.
I am due in 4 weeks.

So my question is, do I use the name anyway or not? Yes we have other options but none feel quite right.

For what it's worth the family get together now between 8-10 times a year.

So:

  • AIBU it's a name, who cares if they have the same name?
  • YANBU they can't have the same name, pick something else
OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 28/02/2023 23:31

I should have said - I'm sorry for your loss and appreciate how hurt you're feeling that your SS used the name Josephine

Eyerollcentral · 28/02/2023 23:32

Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:28

@Eyerollcentral yeh I know. I had no idea it was a thing but apparently caused huge upset at the time for DSS.

I meant oh fgs at you? Saying maybe it’s normal for them to ‘steal’ things from one another. No one owns going to a university. Loads of siblings go to the same university! Often at the same time! Seems to be a lot of resentment and childish behaviour in your wider family and you are buying in to it. Stop the nonsense, it is a total waste of time and emotion. Sorry to be blunt but honestly.

WinterMusings · 28/02/2023 23:34

Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:27

@TheBigWangTheory it was presented as to allow first loss to live on through another? To feel like ive not necessarily lost first baby as shes part of this one.

I have zero counselling/training etc so no idea if this is/was a good thing to be told?!

@Elciekay I'm not sure which planet your grief counsellor did her training on, but it's not common advice.

The baby you lost (I'm sorry 💐) was her own little person, the baby you're about to have is her own little person & I think it'll do more damage to grow up knowing her name isn't special to her. That would be cause enough, for me, to chose a whole new name.

There are millions of lively girls names. Choose something new & fresh would be my advice.

amonsteronthehill · 28/02/2023 23:35

Please pick another name, one that's different to the angel baby you lost. She deserves her own name, regardless of your step sister's actions.

Gossipxox · 28/02/2023 23:35

What about Josslyn which can be shortened to Josie .

Lochroy · 28/02/2023 23:38

I'm sorry for your loss. I too would find it most odd for you to name your DD after your baby who passed away. That's a hell of a burden for her to have to carry. You can honour her by making it a middle name but she is her own person and not a replacement Josephine.

Separately, I think it's also odd your SS used the name.

Despite that, if you will both be using different nicknames, as unusual as it is, go for it if it's what you want.

unfortunateevents · 28/02/2023 23:38

How in the hell does someone "steal" a university?!

Hellsbells89 · 28/02/2023 23:38

My SIL is a Joanna and is referred to as Josie? Maybe just another option to consider if it's Josie you like.
So sorry for your previous loss.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 28/02/2023 23:39

TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 23:18

Ick at angel baby...but its no stranger than OP wanting to use it if she already picked it for an entirely different foetus. That's odd.

Show quote history

Are you 13?

Serrassi · 28/02/2023 23:42

Well your step-sister is a bit of a competitive bitch, eh. Taking the name of your dead child that she knew you planned to reuse seems quite sadistic and generally fucked up.

I’d use it anyway and see as little of her as possible.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 28/02/2023 23:42

Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:27

@TheBigWangTheory it was presented as to allow first loss to live on through another? To feel like ive not necessarily lost first baby as shes part of this one.

I have zero counselling/training etc so no idea if this is/was a good thing to be told?!

Gosh that seems a dreadful idea, as someone who has had multiple losses, despite having a new baby your loss still happened.
In light of that I'd choose a new name. We ruined many names picking before miscarriages so in the end we only discussed names abstractly until we were holding a baby.

Original poster
Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:42

@Eyerollcentral haha I know you meant at me don't worry.

But no I wouldn't be cutting her off over a name. It would be the straw that broke the camels back. In the last 2 years there have been several instances with her that have shown me that she doesnt see me as 'family' in the way I did.

OP posts:
Emptycrackedcup · 28/02/2023 23:44

It's really up to you, I personally wouldn't, but if you're using different nicknames it won't really matter if you use the same name

Shakespeareandi · 28/02/2023 23:45

I wouldn't use it if you already named your first baby who died Josephine. Like pp said, it is a new little person joining you. Use a new name just for her.

Barleysugar86 · 28/02/2023 23:47

I think you need to pick something else. I think it will always bug you to hear your family talk about Josephine and they say no they meant the other one.

There are lots of similar feeling names. Cora, Sadie? They were on my list.

Eyerollcentral · 28/02/2023 23:47

Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:42

@Eyerollcentral haha I know you meant at me don't worry.

But no I wouldn't be cutting her off over a name. It would be the straw that broke the camels back. In the last 2 years there have been several instances with her that have shown me that she doesnt see me as 'family' in the way I did.

Well if she doesn’t see you as family in the same way then what’s the problem with you using the name? Cutting people off in this situation is pointless, just treat her in the way she treats you but severing ties when you have been step sisters since you were six is very extreme. I would also echo other posters in that I think it’s a very old fashioned idea to name a new baby after an earlier child who has not survived. I don’t think it’s a very healthy idea to be honest and would agree with the poster who suggested using Josephine as a middle name. It’s a lot to put on a child.

NoSquirrels · 28/02/2023 23:47

If I were you, OP, given what you’ve also shared about it being the name you chose for a baby you then lost, I’d keep Josephine as a middle name, to honour the connection, but choose a different first name.

There are so many beautiful names to pick from - don’t get hung up on this. You’ll find a different name that suits your newborn DC so well you’ll wonder how you ever thought anything else could be their name. Honestly.

Original poster
Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:47

Thank you to everyone with the advice about giving rainbow baby her own name and not using the same one.

It's not something I had considered because of what grief counsellor had said but I will definitely put it to DP and have a think about it.

It would solve my current dilemma of name choice. A shame it can't take away my hurt of her using the name though but I know many on here feel you can't own a name!

OP posts:
TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 23:47

Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:27

@TheBigWangTheory it was presented as to allow first loss to live on through another? To feel like ive not necessarily lost first baby as shes part of this one.

I have zero counselling/training etc so no idea if this is/was a good thing to be told?!

Bad. Very bad. You did lose the first one and she's not part of this one. This one is a new person, and new people need their own names.

TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 23:48

Forgooodnesssakenow · 28/02/2023 23:39

Are you 13?

Show quote history

I'm 48 and have had 7 miscarriages.

Are you a twat?

TheBigWangTheory · 28/02/2023 23:49

Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:47

Thank you to everyone with the advice about giving rainbow baby her own name and not using the same one.

It's not something I had considered because of what grief counsellor had said but I will definitely put it to DP and have a think about it.

It would solve my current dilemma of name choice. A shame it can't take away my hurt of her using the name though but I know many on here feel you can't own a name!

That's a different thing. You can be hurt. It's fine and normal to be hurt by that, you don't have to deny that feeling.
You just have to realise there isn't anything you can actually do about it.

custardbear · 28/02/2023 23:49

Pick something g different, it's a bit 1970's niche.
She's obviously liked the name independently of you liking it, so it's bad luck but find something else that's nice

Barleysugar86 · 28/02/2023 23:50

Or how about Joselyn? You can still get Josie from that.

Original poster
Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:51

Full disclosure in a poor attempt to not fully out myself and DSS, the name isn't Josephine but a similar name that can be shortened to a gender neutral nickname and a similar other nickname!

OP posts:
Original poster
Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:52

I am however now wondering if I should just pick Josephine 😂

OP posts: