Page 7 | AIBU with being uncomfortable having a tracker on my car

TrackMyCar · 2023-02-27T17:08:28+00:00

My DP recently bought and put a new stereo in my car. It's very fancy, you can operate it by app, does loads of stuff, I don't understand half of it, just enough to be able to do the basics I need. I did need a new stereo. Driving my DS to school this morning, I took a different route so I could run an errand on the way. A message came in on the phone from my DP, and my DS read it to me. He asked what I was doing down X road, rather than my usual route. When I stopped at school, I talked to DP briefly by message, discovered that the stereo contains a tracker. DP claims he didn't know this. I said I had never agreed to be tracked, so he said he would turn off that function on the app on his phone. But he said it would be really useful if it was ever stolen, or I lost the car in a car park. In the afternoon school run, I got a message from DP asking if I had the engine running, as apparently it also records engine temperature. I feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure if I should be or not. I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be, in my life. DP says he will leave the tracker function turned off on his phone. Even so. AIBU?

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 22:00

TrackMyCar · 27/02/2023 21:54

Laughingcat - I think the way you word it is largely how it likely happened. Totally in character.

And your experience with credit is right too - there are companies who will not let credit (whatever form it takes - mortgages, rental agreements, finance, etc) be in the name of someone with no income.

There have been some really kind comments on this thread, and definitely some food for thought for me, and there need to be some changes ahead. I have been too passive and allowed things to drift. But I do not recognise my kind and supportive DP in some of the posts.

The big difference with the poster you mentioned is that her partner did have her on the deeds of the house. When for whatever reason that wasn’t possible, they got married. That’s a major, major difference in terms of how your partner treats you.

LaughingCat · 27/02/2023 22:05

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 21:38

But you were on the deeds and you got married when you couldn’t be put on them. So nothing like the OP. The OP only has CB and what her partner deigns to give her. You sound like you have your own income.

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Yes, exactly - that’s why I said I wasn’t disagreeing with you and that it’s a red flag that she’s not an equal partner in the finances. Totally agreeing with what you’re saying in every way. I was just querying what you said about him lying to her about not being allowed on the mortgage or certain bills, as my personal experience seems to suggest otherwise.

However, I made the point that my situation is totally different because my marriage-hating other half married me without a second thought as soon as he possibly could after the mortgage adviser gave us the news. Miles away from the OP’s experience.

So, definitely not disagreeing at all on the sentiment of your post, just that one minor point on the mortgage and bills.

verdantverdure · 27/02/2023 22:06

If he didn't know it had a tracker how did he know you'd gone a different route @TrackMyCar?

And why did he ask you about it?

Clymene · 27/02/2023 22:07

TrackMyCar · 27/02/2023 21:54

Laughingcat - I think the way you word it is largely how it likely happened. Totally in character.

And your experience with credit is right too - there are companies who will not let credit (whatever form it takes - mortgages, rental agreements, finance, etc) be in the name of someone with no income.

There have been some really kind comments on this thread, and definitely some food for thought for me, and there need to be some changes ahead. I have been too passive and allowed things to drift. But I do not recognise my kind and supportive DP in some of the posts.

Can I ask if any of your other friends and family have expressed concerns or is it just the one friend?

viques · 27/02/2023 22:07

He didn’t know there was a tracker? Hmmm.

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 22:08

LaughingCat · 27/02/2023 22:05

Yes, exactly - that’s why I said I wasn’t disagreeing with you and that it’s a red flag that she’s not an equal partner in the finances. Totally agreeing with what you’re saying in every way. I was just querying what you said about him lying to her about not being allowed on the mortgage or certain bills, as my personal experience seems to suggest otherwise.

However, I made the point that my situation is totally different because my marriage-hating other half married me without a second thought as soon as he possibly could after the mortgage adviser gave us the news. Miles away from the OP’s experience.

So, definitely not disagreeing at all on the sentiment of your post, just that one minor point on the mortgage and bills.

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I personally didn’t say anything about her partner lying to her about being on the mortgage or bills, though he likely is. My only point is that she has no security and her partner in addition to tracking her and controlling her access to money allows this position to continue despite their long relationship and her care for their children.

LexMitior · 27/02/2023 22:11

How do you like your new cage, and status as a hamster?

Seriously no good will come of this, and he sounds controlling. Give it a year and you will be a shell of yourself as he used the evidence he's gathered to tell you how shit you are and how your safety is vital.

LaughingCat · 27/02/2023 22:27

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 22:08

I personally didn’t say anything about her partner lying to her about being on the mortgage or bills, though he likely is. My only point is that she has no security and her partner in addition to tracking her and controlling her access to money allows this position to continue despite their long relationship and her care for their children.

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Sorry! Mixed you up with someone else on here who did raise that point earlier - thought they’d come back on my response and I wondered why they thought I was ignoring most of their post!

Also, apologies. I saw red when you said the whole ‘you do you…but you’re weird’ comment - I shouldn’t have responded the way I did.

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 22:38

LaughingCat · 27/02/2023 22:27

Sorry! Mixed you up with someone else on here who did raise that point earlier - thought they’d come back on my response and I wondered why they thought I was ignoring most of their post!

Also, apologies. I saw red when you said the whole ‘you do you…but you’re weird’ comment - I shouldn’t have responded the way I did.

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No worries at all!

ConcordeOoter · 27/02/2023 22:40

There's a chance he is playing with the app that goes with the gadget and going through all the cool things it can do, and expected you to think it was cool, too, not having thought through how it came across.

If he is normally nice and you trust him, and the above sounds likely, definitely demand he promise to not track what you do.

If he isn't and you don't, I would get it removed or it would have an unfortunate malfunction.

Crumpleton · 27/02/2023 22:40

GrazingSheep · 27/02/2023 17:11

Replace the system.

And let your DP put this one in their car.

LaughingCat · 27/02/2023 22:42

ConcordeOoter · 27/02/2023 22:40

There's a chance he is playing with the app that goes with the gadget and going through all the cool things it can do, and expected you to think it was cool, too, not having thought through how it came across.

If he is normally nice and you trust him, and the above sounds likely, definitely demand he promise to not track what you do.

If he isn't and you don't, I would get it removed or it would have an unfortunate malfunction.

Live footage of the ‘unfortunate malfunction:

RemoteControlDoobry · 27/02/2023 22:57

I haven’t read the thread but if the child benefit is in your name you don’t need to pay NI.

I don’t get why you’re inviting all these dramatic comments about your DP being controlling when you know he isn’t.

Mumoffairy · 27/02/2023 23:09

My car does all that! I dont really care tbh because i dont go to any forbidden places 😂
Its pretty convenient, because DH has the same car and I get a message from the app when the temperature in his car reaches what its set to. Means I know hes in the car now and on his way home from work. I can keep track of how close he is and get dinner ready.

Its not like he hid a tracker behind your back. He got a new interesting gadget and hes playing around with it. I wouldnt be too concerned about it since he told you about it.

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 23:17

RemoteControlDoobry · 27/02/2023 22:57

I haven’t read the thread but if the child benefit is in your name you don’t need to pay NI.

I don’t get why you’re inviting all these dramatic comments about your DP being controlling when you know he isn’t.

Because her only reliable access to money is CB. Because she isn’t married to her partner despite several children and a long relationship and she has given up work to look after the children and has no job or access to money bar CB and what her partner chooses to give her. Because he hasn’t put her on the deeds of the house and she has no security, if the relationship ends tomorrow she has literally nothing, bar CB (which many posters have said is what they give to their kids as pocket money. Even if the OP has for example two kids the CB a week amounts to 35 quid a week). Because he is now tracking her movements through an app on her phone which he claimed he didn’t know was even on the app but amazingly discovered and asked her en route why she wasn’t going the way he thought she would to take the kids to school. Because the OP has MH problems and is vulnerable as a result. If you as an adult woman cannot recognise causes for concern due to the above list you have led either a very blessed or very sheltered life.

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 23:19

Mumoffairy · 27/02/2023 23:09

My car does all that! I dont really care tbh because i dont go to any forbidden places 😂
Its pretty convenient, because DH has the same car and I get a message from the app when the temperature in his car reaches what its set to. Means I know hes in the car now and on his way home from work. I can keep track of how close he is and get dinner ready.

Its not like he hid a tracker behind your back. He got a new interesting gadget and hes playing around with it. I wouldnt be too concerned about it since he told you about it.

What on earth are forbidden places?

user1492757084 · 27/02/2023 23:23

Keep the sterio. Insist that DH also has one.
Agree to track each other never.

OnMyWayToSenility · 27/02/2023 23:25

He didn't know? But got a notification and was clearly tracking your movements?

I have a tracker on my car that no one else drives (it's expensive car)

I'd have to log on to my app to see where it is

He's tracking you

Very weird

notangelinajolie · 27/02/2023 23:55

TrackMyCar · 27/02/2023 21:54

Laughingcat - I think the way you word it is largely how it likely happened. Totally in character.

And your experience with credit is right too - there are companies who will not let credit (whatever form it takes - mortgages, rental agreements, finance, etc) be in the name of someone with no income.

There have been some really kind comments on this thread, and definitely some food for thought for me, and there need to be some changes ahead. I have been too passive and allowed things to drift. But I do not recognise my kind and supportive DP in some of the posts.

@TrackMyCar

there are companies who will not let credit (whatever form it takes - mortgages, rental agreements, finance, etc) be in the name of someone with no income.

Did your partner tell you this?

You do have income. I‘ve been a SAHM for 20 years with CB as my only income and I have never had a financial institution not acknowledging it. Joint bank accounts and even have a credit card based on household/DH’s income. We’ve remortgaged several times. All big name high street lenders and I have always been on the mortgage and deeds.

If your partner wanted to ‘share’ finances with you he could.

Sorry, but I think you sound very naive, tracking you is just the tip of the iceberg. Without doubt he is financially abusing you. You have as much rights as a lodger in this relationship. Be under no illusion- he knows what he is doing.

Oh and your National Insurance is paid for as long as you claim it or until your youngest child reaches 12.

SecretIdentityisme · 28/02/2023 00:03

TrackMyCar · 27/02/2023 18:55

Ok, this was a bit more feedback than I expected! I'll try to clear up a few things.

Not a first post, but a name change. I have been here for years, mostly lurking, occasionally posting.

This is absolutely real. I am not prepared to give details of the car or stereo, but there is 100% a device in my car that tracks the car. That isn't it's main purpose, but it does it as an added extra. DP says he wasn't aware of the feature when he bought it, and I believe that. He's quite a techy sort, so any new gadget, he likes to play with all it's functions, and gets excited about all the things it can do. I don't care, I just need to know enough to use any household gadgets.

The app is on his phone because he also drives my car sometimes. The app has also been put on my DS phone, so he can play with the stereo too.

DP is not in the least jealous or possessive. We've only had one issue in the almost 20 years we've been together, and that is just never discussed.

Controlling? I don't think so. I am a SAHM, so he earns the money, pays the bills, most things are in his name. We don't share banks. I have CB as 'my' spending money, and he puts some extra in my bank once a month, and extra if I ask. A friend of mine has said she thinks things should be in joint names, but because I don't earn, that's not always been possible, some companies won't accept me. DP doesn't care what friends I see, what I wear, what I do, and is generally supportive of anything I chose to do with my life. I have had MH problems and when I was at my worst he took over the majority of household work, I just had to care for DS outside of school. He is a good parent, taking equal responsibility for our children, when he is around, he works really really long hours. He can be irritable quite a lot, but that's because he's so tired.

He was bored and has a new toy that he clearly hasn’t set the settings up to ignore yet. If you’re concerned learn about the tech and app and install it on your phone.

(Sorry my pet peeve is the “oh I don’t understand all of that techy stuff” nobody does until they take the time to learn it!)

Butchyrestingface · 28/02/2023 00:06

DP is not in the least jealous or possessive.

Oh aye he is. And disingenuous to boot.

Eyerollcentral · 28/02/2023 00:18

SecretIdentityisme · 28/02/2023 00:03

He was bored and has a new toy that he clearly hasn’t set the settings up to ignore yet. If you’re concerned learn about the tech and app and install it on your phone.

(Sorry my pet peeve is the “oh I don’t understand all of that techy stuff” nobody does until they take the time to learn it!)

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Leaving aside your pet peeve would you honestly not find it distinctly creepy if your partner text you whilst you were on the school run to ask why you were taking a route other than that he expected when you had zero awareness that your car could be tracked? I would personally find it creepy af. I can’t believe the amount of people who think this is normal or acceptable. The tracker didn’t know it was a different route to normal so he must have been watching her on it. That’s really, really creepy.

Jimboscott0115 · 28/02/2023 00:31

The tracker isn't the issue here - they're fairly standard nowadays. The issue is your DH who is creepy and weird. I mean... Everything about it is weird, messaging you about the road you're on, that's a bit 'im watching you and I want you to know it"

Eyerollcentral · 28/02/2023 00:33

Jimboscott0115 · 28/02/2023 00:31

The tracker isn't the issue here - they're fairly standard nowadays. The issue is your DH who is creepy and weird. I mean... Everything about it is weird, messaging you about the road you're on, that's a bit 'im watching you and I want you to know it"

Yes, the watching when you don’t know you’re being watched or could be watched and texting her during the journey is weird AF

ConcordeOoter · 28/02/2023 01:00

It sounds like your relationship is like ours in the sense that the first thing I would think (and the only thing it would likely be) is he's messing around with a new toy and that simply asking "please don't track me unless I actively share" would be sufficient. Privacy is a basic thing a human being needs to feel respected, after all.

I feel bad that so many people live in such a nightmare of mistrust that it seems impossible DH is a regular person and so are you.