AIBU with being uncomfortable having a tracker on my car

[TrackMyCar]

My DP recently bought and put a new stereo in my car. It's very fancy, you can operate it by app, does loads of stuff, I don't understand half of it, just enough to be able to do the basics I need. I did need a new stereo.

Driving my DS to school this morning, I took a different route so I could run an errand on the way. A message came in on the phone from my DP, and my DS read it to me. He asked what I was doing down X road, rather than my usual route. When I stopped at school, I talked to DP briefly by message, discovered that the stereo contains a tracker. DP claims he didn't know this. I said I had never agreed to be tracked, so he said he would turn off that function on the app on his phone. But he said it would be really useful if it was ever stolen, or I lost the car in a car park.

In the afternoon school run, I got a message from DP asking if I had the engine running, as apparently it also records engine temperature.

I feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure if I should be or not. I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be, in my life. DP says he will leave the tracker function turned off on his phone. Even so. AIBU?

You're in an abusive relationship, of course you have poor mental health.

How long have you been together? How many children? Do you know anything about your finances - hoe much he earns, how much your mortgage is, anything?

All right.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. As in, this thread has been a little intense but you are doing what you can, when you can.

It might be beneficial to touch base with someone (new) face to face IRL. Even if things were swell, it's still important that you are connected to different people who make you feel safe.

It's good that you keep at it. Sometimes it's hard to leave the house, some days are more productive. So sometimes it might feel like one step forward, two steps back. That's okay.

As you struggle with MH, it might help to find someone positive and gentle to talk to on a regular basis. Perhaps your GP can be of help.

DP says he wasn't aware of the feature when he bought it, and I believe that. He's quite a techy sort
He’s a techy sort, he absolutely would have known about it. And IF he didn’t, big if! he wouldn’t have turned it on if he respected you. Come on OP, you’re being incredibly naïve here, alongside the financial abuse…, scary.

Having a tracker on the car makes sense from a safety point of view should it get stolen.

But that does not mean that it should be used as a tool for your partner to keep tabs on you.

I find it very worrying that:

• he lied about not knowing that the tracker was there. That's nonsensical since he was actively tracking you without your knowledge so of course he knew about the tracker
• he immediately messaged you to demand to known why you were taking a different route

Frankly I would really concerned that this is the start of an active attempt to control you.

Very likely that he got the stereo on purpose to install a tracking device and he is trying to gaslight you into thinking his behaviour is acceptable.

This would all be a massive red flag to me and I would be concerned that his behaviour is only going to escalate. This is not normal or acceptable.

We’ve got a lot of these kinds of IoT
devices - I can turn the bedroom fan on and off, change the warmth and brightness of the lightbulbs…heck, I can even remotely lock the catflap.

All of these things come with notifications (my catflap app meows to tell me which one if my cats has entered or exited…or even just peeked through the flap!).

I bet, when he installed it, he accepted the pop up that said ‘allow this app to send you notifications’ and then when you went out, it popped up to say the stereo was moving (useful feature, if the associated phone isn’t in the same location, as it might indicate that some ne’er-do-well has snuck off with the stereo or the car).

I would be hard-pressed not to have a look, in curiosity. And then query why DP is wandering down a weird route (in a ‘is there roadworks or an accident…I wonder what changed up the routine?’ way). And then play around with all of the functions and go ‘how cool, did you know you could check the engine temp?!’.

I don’t see anything wrong with this. Sounds like you have a healthy relationship. Sounds like there’s trust and respect between you. Sounds like you married a geek (woop!).

I can appreciate that you might feel uncomfortable with him knowing where you are (can’t relate, we have Find My for each other’s phones and it’s super useful, as in ‘oh, I see you’re just passing Tesco, can you pop in and grab a metric fuckton of chocolate for me as it’s that time of month thx bye!’). But I’d just ask him to switch off notifications while you’re driving the car. That way you’re protected and he’s not getting distracted by the shiny new app notifications.

Simples.

The CB are your NI contributions as long as it's paid direct to you?

The app has also been put on my DS phone, so he can play with the stereo too.

I’m a bit of a safety nerd so is your ds ( don’t know his age) having control of your stereo really a good idea? I’m thinking child thinks it’s funny to switch it off then on again at full volume might just cause an accident. Playing with it switching stations, music, volume and driver can’t control it sounds very distracting.

@LaughingCat Simples if you trust each other, but OP’s partner lied to her, he said he didn’t know there was a tracker despite having the app on his phone.

@Justmeandthedog1 I agree, I would never allow a child to control anything to do with a car, including the stereo. If he was sitting in the back turning it up full and switching stations every 10 seconds you wouldn’t be able to stop him.

This is freaky as fuck. I would demand the spyware is removed.

I can’t believe you have taken this from the OP’s posts. Have you read the follow ups to the original??? 🤯
‘I would be hard-pressed not to have a look, in curiosity. And then query why DP is wandering down a weird route (in a ‘is there roadworks or an accident…I wonder what changed up the routine?’ way). And then play around with all of the functions and go’ - I mean you do you but most people absolutely wouldn’t do this.

Controlling? I don't think so. I am a SAHM, so he earns the money, pays the bills, most things are in his name. We don't share banks. I have CB as 'my' spending money, and he puts some extra in my bank once a month, and extra if I ask. A friend of mine has said she thinks things should be in joint names, but because I don't earn, that's not always been possible, some companies won't accept me

Let me guess - he told you this? You don't have to be earning to be on a mortgage, or any other type of financial account. You are being played.

LISTEN TO YOUR FRIEND! She has your best interests at heart. You’re a frog in water that’s getting hotter and you can’t even see it.

@FictionalCharacter - just because you’ve got an app on your phone that allows you to change the stereo settings doesn’t mean you realise there’s a tracking function, until someone else gets in and drives away with it. Yeah, I absolutely can see some setting then pinging to say ‘Hey! Your stereo’s leaving town! Quick! See where it is!’.

@Eyerollcentral - good thing I’m not bothered about being just like everyone else, isn’t it, then? 😂 My other half would absolutely do the same as me…and then send me a running text commentary of all the things he could ‘see’ with it. Because…so…cool. So would most of my friends for that matter. But hey, you do you. Even if we’d think that was weird and boring. (Sorry, had enough of this patronising tone yet? Because it’s only fair you take what you dish out).

Sounds more like he has installed an OBD device in the diagnostic port of your car not just radio. You mentioned engine temperature that is not coming from a radio but the diagnostic port in your car. It is usually under your dash by the steering wheel.

www.amazon.co.uk/AutoWiz-OBD-GPS-Tracker-subscription/dp/B018QFTCNG

The not normal bit wasn’t the main aim of my post to you. The concern about the financial abuse of the OP, her mental health problems and societal isolation was. Didn’t you pick up on any of that?

I wouldn't care, but the messages from DH would bother me. Why is he checking up on you?! YANBU

I was on the call with the bank when we bought our new house last year - until then I’d been named on the deeds of the last house but not the mortgage (my credit rating at the time thanks to a stupid default would have given us a worse deal than his earnings alone). This time, found out banks just aren’t willing to do that anymore, told me to my face that there was no way I could be on the mortgage or the deeds. So I’m not. (My OH then married me on the next available date at our local registry office to ensure that I would still be entitled to my share of the property should he die/we split).

This is happening to a lot of friends if they don't earn, as well. Mortgages are getting tighter.

There’s lots of bills in either my or his name. Only a couple in both.

I agree though, total red flag that the OP isn’t more involved with the finances - that should be something both are across, aware of and involved with regardless of earning status - but sometimes a void of earning status, especially when it comes to credit agreements, has a huge impact on available deals and therefore it’s more financially savvy as a family unit to not be named on there.

So not disagreeing in any way, shape or form, but just saying that it’s not always the case that you are automatically entitled to be on the mortgage or some other bills.

@LaughingCat - lenders lend money to a person. They don't care who the property belongs to so that's bullshit. It's perfectly possible even if you have a terrible credit rating to be on the deeds.

But you were on the deeds and you got married when you couldn’t be put on them. So nothing like the OP. The OP only has CB and what her partner deigns to give her. You sound like you have your own income.

Yes, I'd be getting my other devices checked for tracking/logging/spyware apps.

Going straight to a stereo with tracking and other capabilities (the engine) is quite a leap.

Both our cars have trackers and we can track them on our phone apps. Doesn't bother me at all. DP had never asked about any of my journeys and I rarely look at his - just if he's late and I check he hasn't come to harm

Laughingcat - I think the way you word it is largely how it likely happened. Totally in character.

And your experience with credit is right too - there are companies who will not let credit (whatever form it takes - mortgages, rental agreements, finance, etc) be in the name of someone with no income.

There have been some really kind comments on this thread, and definitely some food for thought for me, and there need to be some changes ahead. I have been too passive and allowed things to drift. But I do not recognise my kind and supportive DP in some of the posts.

How well do you know him?

If my dh did this I would think it's a good idea but he's not weird or creepy etc and I don't care if he knows where i am.

I would love a proper sterio, mine is so old it has a tape player.

@TrackMyCar

You haven't answered why he was asking why your route had changed

OK, but OP’s DP does look at hers, then messages her asking questions. So she’s not in the same situation as you.