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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with being uncomfortable having a tracker on my car

211 replies

TrackMyCar · 27/02/2023 17:08

My DP recently bought and put a new stereo in my car. It's very fancy, you can operate it by app, does loads of stuff, I don't understand half of it, just enough to be able to do the basics I need. I did need a new stereo.

Driving my DS to school this morning, I took a different route so I could run an errand on the way. A message came in on the phone from my DP, and my DS read it to me. He asked what I was doing down X road, rather than my usual route. When I stopped at school, I talked to DP briefly by message, discovered that the stereo contains a tracker. DP claims he didn't know this. I said I had never agreed to be tracked, so he said he would turn off that function on the app on his phone. But he said it would be really useful if it was ever stolen, or I lost the car in a car park.

In the afternoon school run, I got a message from DP asking if I had the engine running, as apparently it also records engine temperature.

I feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure if I should be or not. I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be, in my life. DP says he will leave the tracker function turned off on his phone. Even so. AIBU?

OP posts:
CastleCrasher · 27/02/2023 18:43

I wouldn't have a problem with a tracker in my car, but then it would only be used in an emergency or if dh/I forgot where it was parked. Dh would never track my movements nor I his.

Your DH appears to be lying about the tracker and using it in a controlling way. He clearly hadn't just found it as he knew that your change of route was unusual. He said he'd stop and then tracked you again the same day and questioned your behaviour again. It's this, not the tracker, that I'd have issue with. For me that's WAY out of line

butterfliedtwo · 27/02/2023 18:45

That would creep me out so much. There is no way I'd be comfortable with that ever.

junglejane66 · 27/02/2023 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ha ha, Jimmy

Minimalme · 27/02/2023 18:53

Why does he have to be involved at all? You could have the app and track the car if it is lost or stolen.

Instead, you got this creep stalking you. Keep the stereo, ditch the weirdo.

Original poster
TrackMyCar · 27/02/2023 18:55

Ok, this was a bit more feedback than I expected! I'll try to clear up a few things.

Not a first post, but a name change. I have been here for years, mostly lurking, occasionally posting.

This is absolutely real. I am not prepared to give details of the car or stereo, but there is 100% a device in my car that tracks the car. That isn't it's main purpose, but it does it as an added extra. DP says he wasn't aware of the feature when he bought it, and I believe that. He's quite a techy sort, so any new gadget, he likes to play with all it's functions, and gets excited about all the things it can do. I don't care, I just need to know enough to use any household gadgets.

The app is on his phone because he also drives my car sometimes. The app has also been put on my DS phone, so he can play with the stereo too.

DP is not in the least jealous or possessive. We've only had one issue in the almost 20 years we've been together, and that is just never discussed.

Controlling? I don't think so. I am a SAHM, so he earns the money, pays the bills, most things are in his name. We don't share banks. I have CB as 'my' spending money, and he puts some extra in my bank once a month, and extra if I ask. A friend of mine has said she thinks things should be in joint names, but because I don't earn, that's not always been possible, some companies won't accept me. DP doesn't care what friends I see, what I wear, what I do, and is generally supportive of anything I chose to do with my life. I have had MH problems and when I was at my worst he took over the majority of household work, I just had to care for DS outside of school. He is a good parent, taking equal responsibility for our children, when he is around, he works really really long hours. He can be irritable quite a lot, but that's because he's so tired.

OP posts:
Clymene · 27/02/2023 18:58

I am a SAHM, so he earns the money, pays the bills, most things are in his name. We don't share banks. I have CB as 'my' spending money, and he puts some extra in my bank once a month, and extra if I ask. A friend of mine has said she thinks things should be in joint names, but because I don't earn, that's not always been possible, some companies won't accept me.

This is the definition of financially controlling. He didn't 'not know' that it had a tracker. He chose it because it has a tracker. And he wants you to know that he's watching your every move.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/02/2023 18:58

"I talked to DP briefly by message, discovered that the stereo contains a tracker. DP claims he didn't know this."
Well he must have found out at some point, because HE WAS USING IT. He knew. I'd expect he knew at the time he purchased it. Even assuming best case scenario and he didn't know when he bought it - when was he planning to tell you? Y'know, in a 'You'll never guess, I was trying to figure out the app, and it's got a TRACKER! That'll be handy if the car's ever stolen!' kind of way. But he didn't do that, the first you knew was when he started querying you. He was using this tracker to stalk you.

I'd be having a very serious conversation with him tonight. I'd have questions:

  • When did you find out it had a tracker?
  • Why didn't you tell me about it?
  • When were you planning to tell me about it?
  • Why were you stalking my journeys today? (yes, use the word 'stalk')

I'd also be insisting on removal of the stereo, because he clearly cannot be trusted to have that function switched off (you told him this morning you didn't agree to be tracked, but this afternoon he's still stalking you). If he was in the least reluctant I'd be taking the car to a garage myself to have it removed, and checked over for any other tracking devices just in case.

GoodChat · 27/02/2023 18:59

That still doesn't explain how or why he's tracking you on something he claims to not know has a tracker.

It'd be a huge coincidence for him to have just found the tracker at the exact moment you chose an alternative route.

GoodChat · 27/02/2023 19:00

A friend of mine has said she thinks things should be in joint names, but because I don't earn, that's not always been possible, some companies won't accept me.

Let me guess, he told you that?

Clymene · 27/02/2023 19:01

He lied about not knowing it had a tracker.
He was watching you drive your son to school. When you didn't go the way he thought you should, he let you know he could see you.
He told you he'd turn the tracker off.
He's made it clear he hasn't turned the tracker off.

What are you going to do? And FWIW controlling me very often want their wives to be SAHMs because it's much easier to control them.

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 19:01

‘Controlling? I don't think so. I am a SAHM, so he earns the money, pays the bills, most things are in his name. We don't share banks. I have CB as 'my' spending money, and he puts some extra in my bank once a month, and extra if I ask. A friend of mine has said she thinks things should be in joint names, but because I don't earn, that's not always been possible, some companies won't accept me.’ Red flags all over the place. Is there any reason you aren’t married? You are in a hugely vulnerable position here financially. If it ends tomorrow you walk away with nothing and he owes you nothing.

cassiatwenty · 27/02/2023 19:02

Sis, don't lie to yourself

Original poster
TrackMyCar · 27/02/2023 19:04

Ah, just to add we have tracked each other on certain journeys before, using a different phone app, but that has been a voluntary choice, and you can choose for yourself whether it's on or not, and how long for. Handy if I am on a long trip back from my parents, or he's coming back from a work trip. I guess the bit that made me uncomfortable about this is the not being able to control my location being given out myself.

I have now seen DPs phone, and the tracking is off, and has been since I objected this morning. The engine temperature is on a separate part of the app, but is only visible if you actively look. I have made it clear that I do not want to be tracked unless I agree, and he has agreed easily to that.

OP posts:
itwasntmetho · 27/02/2023 19:05

Does he own the house in his name only?
You need some independence, even a part time job if you can manage it.
Can you get the stereo out yourself? That would be on my kitchen table when he got home from work, I'd rather have no music in my car if I couldn't afford a replacement.

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 19:06

TrackMyCar · 27/02/2023 19:04

Ah, just to add we have tracked each other on certain journeys before, using a different phone app, but that has been a voluntary choice, and you can choose for yourself whether it's on or not, and how long for. Handy if I am on a long trip back from my parents, or he's coming back from a work trip. I guess the bit that made me uncomfortable about this is the not being able to control my location being given out myself.

I have now seen DPs phone, and the tracking is off, and has been since I objected this morning. The engine temperature is on a separate part of the app, but is only visible if you actively look. I have made it clear that I do not want to be tracked unless I agree, and he has agreed easily to that.

Sure he can just turn the tracking back on lol and now he knows not to mention it - until you go somewhere else he dislikes. There are none so blind as those who refuse to see.

jizzlord · 27/02/2023 19:06

Your financial situation is the exact definition of being controlled. You should have joint and equal access to funds, not just having cb for the children and pocket money.

Whose name is the house in? - there are very few companies that wouldn't allow you on bill/payment/bank accounts except perhaps for some mortgage companies (in which case you find one that does allow it)

cassiatwenty · 27/02/2023 19:07

About having those serious conversations with him.

You: Why did you lie about that?

[Liar]: Oh I never lie. I'm very techy but not about that sort of tech.

Sis, a Newcastle man would be out playing footy with his mates. This dud ain't no Newcastle man 🧢🚶‍♂️👟👖👕😱

CantFindTheBeat · 27/02/2023 19:07

You don't have a tracker problem, you have a DH problem.

cassiatwenty · 27/02/2023 19:08

TrackMyCar · 27/02/2023 19:04

Ah, just to add we have tracked each other on certain journeys before, using a different phone app, but that has been a voluntary choice, and you can choose for yourself whether it's on or not, and how long for. Handy if I am on a long trip back from my parents, or he's coming back from a work trip. I guess the bit that made me uncomfortable about this is the not being able to control my location being given out myself.

I have now seen DPs phone, and the tracking is off, and has been since I objected this morning. The engine temperature is on a separate part of the app, but is only visible if you actively look. I have made it clear that I do not want to be tracked unless I agree, and he has agreed easily to that.

Well that certainly clears everything up!

itwasntmetho · 27/02/2023 19:09

TrackMyCar · 27/02/2023 19:04

Ah, just to add we have tracked each other on certain journeys before, using a different phone app, but that has been a voluntary choice, and you can choose for yourself whether it's on or not, and how long for. Handy if I am on a long trip back from my parents, or he's coming back from a work trip. I guess the bit that made me uncomfortable about this is the not being able to control my location being given out myself.

I have now seen DPs phone, and the tracking is off, and has been since I objected this morning. The engine temperature is on a separate part of the app, but is only visible if you actively look. I have made it clear that I do not want to be tracked unless I agree, and he has agreed easily to that.

It's not like sharing your live location in whatsapp, I'd do that if I was meeting someone and I'd set the amount of time I was willing to share for.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 27/02/2023 19:11

What's the issue with sharing what the make of it is?

GoodChat · 27/02/2023 19:11

cassiatwenty · 27/02/2023 19:07

About having those serious conversations with him.

You: Why did you lie about that?

[Liar]: Oh I never lie. I'm very techy but not about that sort of tech.

Sis, a Newcastle man would be out playing footy with his mates. This dud ain't no Newcastle man 🧢🚶‍♂️👟👖👕😱

Are you high?

workstuffing · 27/02/2023 19:12

Yeah that’s weird!

cassiatwenty · 27/02/2023 19:14

@GoodChat Sorry who are you again?

Clymene · 27/02/2023 19:15

He's still tracking you, he's just not going to tell you. You are in a controlling relationship and your friends and family are worried about you.

Your friend's already tried to say something and I bet she's not the only one.

I'm really sorry, it must be a horrible way to live.

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