AIBU with being uncomfortable having a tracker on my car

[TrackMyCar]

My DP recently bought and put a new stereo in my car. It's very fancy, you can operate it by app, does loads of stuff, I don't understand half of it, just enough to be able to do the basics I need. I did need a new stereo.

Driving my DS to school this morning, I took a different route so I could run an errand on the way. A message came in on the phone from my DP, and my DS read it to me. He asked what I was doing down X road, rather than my usual route. When I stopped at school, I talked to DP briefly by message, discovered that the stereo contains a tracker. DP claims he didn't know this. I said I had never agreed to be tracked, so he said he would turn off that function on the app on his phone. But he said it would be really useful if it was ever stolen, or I lost the car in a car park.

In the afternoon school run, I got a message from DP asking if I had the engine running, as apparently it also records engine temperature.

I feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure if I should be or not. I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be, in my life. DP says he will leave the tracker function turned off on his phone. Even so. AIBU?

Remove the device, it's creepy AF. DH and I have have each other on find my but don't use it just for fun whilst the other is doing a short journey.

Also as a stay at home parent I'm yet to find something I can't go on jointly with my DH. If he's told you this about a mortgage I'd be very concerned. I'v never had any issue at all going on the mortgage.

It wouldn’t bother me really. We don’t have trackers in the car, but we have each other on our phones. I don’t track DH as a matter of course then and I have no reason to think he tracks me. It is there for just in case.

Would it bother you if he started questioning why you'd chosen to drive down a different road to normal?

Why did he need to know why you went down a different street

You're in a very vulnerable position

Right, and when you buy one of those cars, you do so in the knowledge it tracks, so therefore consent, and you can sync it to your own phone. Do you see the difference? This is more like if the dealership lied to you and said that it didn’t track and then secretly synced it to their own office phone to keep an eye on you.

For one child CB is what £80/90pm? that's what you have for yourself? that's hardly an equal
partnership is it?

Is your name on the Deeds of the house? If not, why not?

You are living with a stalker who controls your access to money. Let me guess; you couldn't leave because you'd be destitute. Please get some proper legal and domestic abuse advice, and get that tracker out of your car. Be careful and look after yourself.

I have a patchy work history & my income was not used for affordability purposes. But there is no reason to be left off mortgages & title deeds. Now we are both retired, all assets are joint, both because we are married & also because if that's how they were set up years ago.

You are very vulnerable.

Surely the app for your car should be on your phone? He sounds very creepy.

Oh god, SAHM and not married and no access to money except CB and some pocket money at his discretion. Please tell us you jointly own the house or that you have your own property somewhere?

If you are a SAHM and not married, have you been topping up your national insurance in that time? Your position is hugely vulnerable, no income, no pension, no rights to the financial gains your partner has made at the expense of your earning potential. You really shouldn't have to ask for extra money like you are a child rather than an equal partner of 20 years. I think you know things aren't right and your friends are trying to warn you.

Controlling? I don't think so. I am a SAHM, so he earns the money, pays the bills, most things are in his name. We don't share banks. I have CB as 'my' spending money, and he puts some extra in my bank once a month, and extra if I ask

As a fellow sahm (mostly) also with mental health issues I'd find that controlling. I'm on the mortage, the deeds and everything else I need to be. No company has ever had an issue with that. Every penny my dh earns goes into a joint account as does his family money from a trust. Given that he trusts me to raise our children, he also trusts me to spend whatever I like on whatever I want.

CB is very little money in the scheme of things and having an "allowance" and/or asking for more doesn't sound like an equal relationship.

I wouldn’t care about the tracker per se, but I would be LIVID to receive backseat driver type messages demanding that I explain why I was driving X route and whether or not the engine is on. That is extremely controlling. It doesn’t matter whether you think he is controlling, or if he has done it before. Sending you real time messages about your driving is controlling behaviour.

It depends. I bet you can probably set the car stereo so that it doesn't link to other devices or deactivate the location settings. Maybe it's just a feature of the stereo as it does sound modern etc. But you need to ask if YOU'RE comfortable with this.

The sinister thing is how closely he is monitoring you and immediately questioning you. Fuck that. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Why is the App on his phone and not yours? If it's your stereo in your car then he shouldn't need the app.
The issue is not the feature of the stereo, the issue us your DP tracking you and questioning your movements.

Indeed. I'm a SAHM. My name is on everything I want it to be.

Sahm and I'm on everything. Mortgage, deeds, every utility bill. If memory serves I wasn't on the bins or possibly the Sky at one stage but that's so we could take advantage of new business customer rates instead of returning business.

On the flip side I do get CB paid into my account and topped up, but that's purely accounting and to save unnecessary transfers. I'm topped up so that our discretionary spends match and everything else is joint.

I am financially vulnerable, I know this. And it kind of happened like the boiling frog - a little at a time. And some while I was really struggling with my MH.

I have no property of my own, and have made no NI contributions since I gave up work to have first DS. I can't afford to make contributions, and we previously couldn't afford it as a family.

My friend has been pushing me to make some changes, but I do struggle - MH again. Equally it would be hard to get work, as some days I am ok, other days I can barely leave the house. I force myself for the DS only. Other than them, I have very little life. Distant family, and a couple of friends I see just occasionally when I am well enough.

in terms of security i can understand your dp, perspective, as for the misuse of tracking and micro management , i can understand your perspectives op

I do appreciate everyone's feedback and support, and will give it a lot of thought, and consider my next actions.

Claiming child benefit will give you NI credits so you don't need to worry about that too much but I'm guessing there's no private pension you pay into and that your name is not on the mortgage or deeds of the house (assuming its bought not rented)?

Don’t despair. I think CB is relevant to contributions for NI if you don’t work, is that not correct? Someone better informed will fill you in. There is nothing to stop your partner adding you to the deeds of the property. The simplest solution is of course to get married. Is there any reason why you haven’t/won’t? Are you having help with your health? That’s vital for you.

Why aren't you married? His decision?

It's quite possible that you are depressed because of your relationship rather than in spite of it.

You own nothing, have no assets in your name, no job, get pocket money (I actually give my children the same amount per week spending money!), and now he tracks you and wants to know why you drive down a slightly different route

Things are not looking good