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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge DH for my lost earnings?

349 replies

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 11:33

My DH is a contractor and will soon need to look for another role hes been WFH for 4 years. I've found WFH one but it's not as much pay as canary wharf 5 days per week which will mean he will live at his mums and commute in. We have never really shared finances wholly,
I work in a job with unsociable hours , I make good money but I have to leave at 8-9pm I work compressed hours. If DH takes the canary wharf jobm y earning power will be severely impacted as I need to care for my DD. I have no outside help.

I've told DH that he will either have to top up my wages to how much I've lost or pay for a nanny. I also have a health condition and compressed hours make it easier to manage.
DH is saying I'm being unreasonable and that it's good he's earning more money but I don't believe it's beneficial in anyway to my life. I would rather he took the job with less pay so I am able to work as I need too.

I feel I have financial independence at the moment and the working away would make me feel vulnerable. AIBU?

OP posts:
Commah · 27/02/2023 11:35

Is it his DD or just yours?

Tbh it seems a bit bizarre if you’re married and your husband lives with his mum while you and your child live elsewhere on your own.

Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 11:45

Commah · 27/02/2023 11:35

Is it his DD or just yours?

Tbh it seems a bit bizarre if you’re married and your husband lives with his mum while you and your child live elsewhere on your own.

DD is his, London is 4 hours drive from our house , DHs mum lives within commuting distance by train. He's doing it for the salary increase but I do think it's worth it for family life and loss of my earnings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 11:46

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 11:45

DD is his, London is 4 hours drive from our house , DHs mum lives within commuting distance by train. He's doing it for the salary increase but I do think it's worth it for family life and loss of my earnings.

Show quote history

*don't think it's worth it.

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 27/02/2023 11:48

If DH takes the canary wharf jobm y earning power will be severely impacted as I need to care for my DD.

No.

If DH chooses to take a job that means that HE cannot care for his DD, his earning power will be impacted by the cost of suitable childcare to cover those hours.

Why does he imagine that parenting DD is only YOUR responsibility?

whatthebejesus · 27/02/2023 11:49

You're married but treat finances separately?

I'd be less worried about the living at his mums during the week - plenty of people work away Monday to Friday. However he still has the responsibility of children and childcare/pick up. So how is he going to manage that?

We have a similar thing however my husband and I don't have separate finances. The reason he is able to work away is because I support him with that.

You shouldn't be out of pocket or inconvenienced to support him in a decision if he has no intention of valuing your time.

KimberleyClark · 27/02/2023 11:49

I misread earnings for earrings in your title then wondered why yourOP didn’t mention them.

I agree with you btw

bellsbuss · 27/02/2023 11:50

@KimberleyClark I did too

Viviennemary · 27/02/2023 11:51

I think he shoukd pay towards extra childcare if it's needed. I don't think this will work.

wonkylegs · 27/02/2023 11:52

You need to look at the logistics but also how you share finances and both require looking at in serious detail as this will clearly have an impact on family life.
You need to sit down and work out how you make this work for everyone.

My DHs job seriously impacts our family life (unsociable hours and lots of them) so I changed my job to be more flexible so we can cope as a family. We share finances completely though so the financial impact is shared, I got something's to make up for the sacrifices I made and we have some help (ironing service, gardener, after school club etc) which means that I don't end up doing everything and trying to work.

Cherms · 27/02/2023 11:53

He's not thinking about you or his DD. He's thinking about what's best for him.

Perhaps you could have a conversation where he writes down pros and cons of each role from his, your and DD's perspective.

Hopefully then he'll see it's all about pros for him, not thinking about the cons for you or her.

purplecorkheart · 27/02/2023 11:54

Just curious but have either of you checked whether his Mom is ok with him staying with her. It may not be an option.

Commah · 27/02/2023 11:54

Well if it’s his DD too then why do you need to care for her? You as a couple need to care for her, not you as an individual. And no he shouldn’t be topping up your wages - both salaries should be going into a family pot. It’s a huge red flag that you don’t have shared finances - he’s clearly trying to keep his money for himself, which you simply can’t do when there are kids to be paid for.

Honestly it sounds like he wants to take this higher paying job to earn more money for HIMSELF, not for all of you. And he’s prioritising his own earnings even when it negatively affects you. Also it’s bizarre for a married man to live with his mother while his wife and child live on their own. It allows him to conveniently avoid looking after his child.

Ask him how he intends to do his 50% share of looking after his DD if he’s living at his mums? I’d be inclined to say he has to share finances and live at home to do his share of parenting, otherwise you’ll dump him. Then he will have to do his share because he’ll have shared custody! And at the very least you’ll get a fair amount of maintenance money.

Mindymomo · 27/02/2023 11:54

Sounds like he needs to be in the City for his type of employment so it’s not only about money it’s about him having to stay at his parents during the week to commute. I wouldn’t be happy with the arrangement, but I know a lot of friends that have had this situation. Unfortunately the wife’s/mums had to give up work to stay at home with children, whilst the DH worked and stayed in London.

JizzlordTheCat · 27/02/2023 12:01

If you as a couple cannot afford to cover childcare from two jobs (one with a significant impact in terms of commute/living away so I assume a salary commensurately with that), you need to really review your income and outgoing as a team.

AnotherOneGone · 27/02/2023 12:02

Contracting in Canary Wharf - so around £600 - £700 per day I reckon. He can more than afford to pay for the additional child car required.

Commah · 27/02/2023 12:02

Mindymomo · 27/02/2023 11:54

Sounds like he needs to be in the City for his type of employment so it’s not only about money it’s about him having to stay at his parents during the week to commute. I wouldn’t be happy with the arrangement, but I know a lot of friends that have had this situation. Unfortunately the wife’s/mums had to give up work to stay at home with children, whilst the DH worked and stayed in London.

That’s fair enough when finances are shared and both parents have agreed about who will work more and who will work less. But it’s not fair when one parent announces “I’m working so you can’t”, and doesn’t even share their earnings.

louise5754 · 27/02/2023 12:05

The I thought it says earrings too.

My dh is military. Never know where he will be. I've always looked after the kids. Never thought any different but it's always been this way and I don't work.

thecatsthecats · 27/02/2023 12:10

You seriously need to talk about finances and your shared life arrangements.

I had to have it out with my husband because I wasn't happy to try for a child that I felt he'd barely see. You need to take an equally hard line, and expect him to come up with solutions.

It's not a case of "charging" him, it's about how you both fund and contribute to your shared lives.

(for example, my husband will pay into my pension during maternity leave, because we both agree that I shouldn't have a gap due to doing maternity for both of us)

CraneBoysMysteries · 27/02/2023 12:10

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 27/02/2023 11:48

If DH takes the canary wharf jobm y earning power will be severely impacted as I need to care for my DD.

No.

If DH chooses to take a job that means that HE cannot care for his DD, his earning power will be impacted by the cost of suitable childcare to cover those hours.

Why does he imagine that parenting DD is only YOUR responsibility?

yup...

claireb7rg · 27/02/2023 12:13

KimberleyClark · 27/02/2023 11:49

I misread earnings for earrings in your title then wondered why yourOP didn’t mention them.

I agree with you btw

Snap, couldn't work out what the post was about as it wasnt earrings 😂

Ihavedogs · 27/02/2023 12:16

It it not fully clear as to what impact this will have on your job and I am not sure what the leaving at 8-9pm means; is that leaving home or leaving work? How old is DD? Responses are going to vary depending on how your job will be impacted.

Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 12:22

Mindymomo · 27/02/2023 11:54

Sounds like he needs to be in the City for his type of employment so it’s not only about money it’s about him having to stay at his parents during the week to commute. I wouldn’t be happy with the arrangement, but I know a lot of friends that have had this situation. Unfortunately the wife’s/mums had to give up work to stay at home with children, whilst the DH worked and stayed in London.

That's not an option for me I value my financial independence too much. I've seen far too many women being screwed over. I guess a nanny will be only the option DH will have to foot the bill. He might change his mind to WFH if he's having to pay out.

OP posts:
Reinventinganna · 27/02/2023 12:22

Surely you have a conversation about how it would work. About childcare and how it would affect family life.

m You don’t bill your husband but you both discuss how it would work.

Hankunamatata · 27/02/2023 12:23

It would be a big fat no from me if he has another job option

Hankunamatata · 27/02/2023 12:23

I mean working away