To charge DH for my lost earnings?

[Wiwi]

My DH is a contractor and will soon need to look for another role hes been WFH for 4 years. I've found WFH one but it's not as much pay as canary wharf 5 days per week which will mean he will live at his mums and commute in. We have never really shared finances wholly,
I work in a job with unsociable hours , I make good money but I have to leave at 8-9pm I work compressed hours. If DH takes the canary wharf jobm y earning power will be severely impacted as I need to care for my DD. I have no outside help.

I've told DH that he will either have to top up my wages to how much I've lost or pay for a nanny. I also have a health condition and compressed hours make it easier to manage.
DH is saying I'm being unreasonable and that it's good he's earning more money but I don't believe it's beneficial in anyway to my life. I would rather he took the job with less pay so I am able to work as I need too.

I feel I have financial independence at the moment and the working away would make me feel vulnerable. AIBU?

This. Why is it your job, or his job to parent. Why does one job trump the other? Utterly bizarre.

Oh no! I just realised I got your working hours mixed up. Sorry, ignore my last post

You're entire post is written about him and you: "it's not beneficial to my life". No mention of 'we' or 'us', except where you say that you don't really do joint finances. Barely any mention of the child(ren), family unit or even your relationship as a couple. Just where your refer to 'my DD" (why not our?)

You even say you value your current financial independence yourself, so it sounds like it's not just him that's keeping the finances separate. It all sounds very cold and clinical, more like you both consider each other as business partners rather than a loving family unit.

Why are you looking for jobs for him? Presume he's considering the canary wharf one over wfh because of the extra money. Which sounds like he's willing to sacrifice his family life to work away during the week in order to bring in extra money. Or is there some other reason he wants to be working there? Or is your relationship so broken that he prefers the idea of being away most of the time preferential?

Most 'breadwinners' (whether male or female) who go chasing numbers consider a higher salary as making them a better provider for the family, rather than for their own personal benefit. But that may not be the case here, given what you've said about separate finances. Other people see the bigger picture more easily, and value the home life over the extra income.

What is he doing with his surplus income, once he's paid his 'share' of the household expenses? Most married couples work as a team and pool all their resources (whilst still being able to buy stuff for themselves our of that pool).

This kind of family altering decision is one that really needs to be taken as a family (even include your dd if she is old enough to understand). There are far wider implications that affect all of you.

Ultimately though, you can't actually 'charge' your husband because you're a joint legal entity - what's his is yours and what's yours is his, even if you do run separate bank accounts.

That's not an option for me I value my financial independence too much. I've seen far too many women being screwed over. I guess a nanny will be only the option DH will have to foot the bill. He might change his mind to WFH if he's having to pay out.

Umm, why on earth did you get married if you value your independence too much? As above, you both own everything jointly. People on MN keep advising women to get married before having kids to protect themselves, and yet you're saying the opposite.

No I don't feel grateful because I did the sole childcare from birth until 6 years old.

I echo other PPs that this whole situation is incredibly dysfunctional. In a bid to retain almost complete financial independence, you have completely lost any sense of cooperation and cohesiveness in the relationship and this just isn't healthy or practical. He is happy to throw your career under the bus for a payrise that will only enrich him whilst you have no mechanism to support him earning more without losing out yourself because of the way this is all setup. Poor DD is stuck in the middle of it all and will be learning that this is a normal way to manage finances in a relationship (it isn't!).

You need to sit down and go back to basics. You aren't supposed to function as effective strangers or flat mates when you've been married for so long and have a child together. What would happen if you or he got too sick to work? What would happen if either of you got made redundant? Have you looked into insurance policies etc that could help alleviate some of the concerns you may have about merging finances?

@ConcordeOoter

Youd be grateful to your oh for parenting his own child?

He's not a childcare option. He's a parent

He's not doing the op a favour.

I think you have a much bigger problem than who pays for childcare. Your DH wants to take a job that will directly impact you and your DD and doesn't seem to think that he needs to discuss this with you or agree some sort of solution around how to make it work. He is, effectively, opting out of family life 5 days a week. this has a huge financial, emotional, practical impact one everyone involved but the downsides all seem to be you and your DD.

I mean, in our house, a conversation about a set up like this would be far more complex than just how will we pay for childcare or whatever. It would be around how does this impact relationships, social activities, housework, mental health etc alongside any potential financial impact. And, of course, any financial impact - good or bad - would need to be shared.

So either he loses money or you do? How do you decide? Why should it be him? Can he cover childcare instead? Or do you take the higher earning job and pay for a nanny? Sorry, your OP was a bit confusing.

This, being out of picture with work till 8-9pm at night with a child is also dumping on the other parent, which he has absorbed for some time in last contract. I’m guessing there a bit of “I want a break form juggling childcare on days we is working “ too which has led him to want to stop the wfh.

Frankly can’t see how anyone can wfh and do childcare for pre school kid , or even primary age kid.

so, you are both pulling in opposite direction and you BOTH need to compromise. Condensed hours worked before because he enabled it and it fitted in with your health issues. But I’m not convinced, unless OP explains further how 3 extremely long days is good for anyone’s health, even with 4 “off” afterwards

neither party here want to budge and it’s all about money. Fgs, start acting like married grown ups with dependents🤦‍♀️ The first part of that is realising that you cannot have it “all” even if we’re told that - something will have to give. A compromise is needed. And stop with the silly “his” and “her” money - if you’re too selfish to share your joint assets what the hell did you get married for, and then why did you have a child.

YANBU. Myself and DH have separate finances but we wouldn't make a career move or take a new job without discussing how it impacted on family life and overall income for both of us.
It sounds as though he's opting out of family life and detrimentally impacting your income. I wouldn't be happy with any aspect of this proposal.

Poor child.

She's 10, she walks herself to school and back with friends. She's not a baby or toddler, I parented her myself for years Monday to Friday alone from the age of birth - 6.

@Wiwi

Your biggest mistake was agreeing to be a sahm for 6 years

You set the precedent that you are responsible for childcare

@Whiteroomjoy

Of course its possible to 'have it all'

I think you need to consider this if the tables were turned. If you both want to work the jobs you want then you should split the childcare. That split doesn’t have to be 50:50 but relative to your earnings and outgoings. You can keep your finances equal whilst still being fair.

Do you even like each other? She's 10, she doesn't need a nanny. You need a babysitter 2/3 evenings a week and she has to go to breakfast club. If your DH could WFH twice a week and you could do the Saturday shift you mentioned then you could wipe out the need for any childcare and increase your household income.

Win win.

YA Both BU.

@Wiwi You did childcare (if that's what you want to call being with your child) from birth - 6, and your DH did it from age 6-10. Is that right?

I think you and he need to sit down together and work out the best solution for your family as a whole, not for you as two individuals with an inconvenient child to look after.

Marriage is supposed to make you a family unit legally and financially. Neither of you is acting as if you're part of a unit. All you're bothered about is not losing your financial independence (you're wrong that you'd be screwed if you split up: marriage means that the person who's taken a financial hit isn't screwed in this situation), and all your DH seems to be bothered about is earning more than he currently does.

You need to tackle it more as a question of "how can we make this work for everyone in the family?" than "how do I get what I want?" You will both have to grow up, stop being selfish, and make compromises, because the person who matters most (your daughter) is the one person who doesn't get a say.

This isn’t your problem. He is changing his work pattern and needs to come up with a plan for childcare that you can BOTH afford and that has EQUAL impact on you both. You don’t have to take the entire hit.

🤣🤣🤣🤣
You think you do have a motherhood”penalty” ?

Yes I love him but his working pattern was a huge issue for us. I chose not to have anymore DC because I couldn't work in my dream career and balance childcare and DHs career. I feel like his career always came first but I didn't see much if any of the rewards. I feel so much more confident and fulfilled nowadays. It scares me if he goes back to Monday - Friday , a hybrid role could work but it does worry me if he then goes to full time Monday - Friday. I guess the other option is moving near MIL before DD starts secondary, there will be jobs down there but it will mean a smaller property budget.

I'm a bit surprised that the OP considers this is all a 10 year old needs;

"She's 10 years old I did the sole childcare pretty much from birth- 6. She walks to and from school with friends herself , She simply needs dinner preparing prompting to shower, prompting to do homework she's not a baby it's very easy. I did it for years when she was younger and it was much harder."

No he hasn't done it solely by himself from 6! I did it until I took this job a couple of years ago. Also I only work 3 days max 4 so he's not alone with DD 5 days a week day/night.

Everyone who provides childcare is a childcare option, including both parents, grandparents, cousins to the nth degree and if possible their fairy godmother. The inference you're drawing from my comment is yours, not mine. Should be obvious since I already said childcare responsibility should be 'divided in two'.

Besides which I would never concede that someone is entitled to their OH taking on the lion's share of childcare so they can work - to the extent they will fucking bill them if they don't maintain at current levels, especially not a thread like this one.

@OP as he cannot reasonably disagree that you are both less important than DC, you could start with a conversation that demands each of you spend some amount of time with them every week. I don't think his desired path will accommodate that, and that will at least raise good questions for both of you even if it doesn't lead to a satisfactory compromise right away.

Childcare cost are the responsibility of both parents not just the mother!

I don't think I'd agree to letting him work in London given the distance involved. You'll basically be a single parent during the week. Yes is more money but unless it's an astronomically high amount of money it won't be worth it IMO.

Money issues aside, is he at all bothered about not seeing you or his child 5 days a week?