To charge DH for my lost earnings?

[Wiwi]

My DH is a contractor and will soon need to look for another role hes been WFH for 4 years. I've found WFH one but it's not as much pay as canary wharf 5 days per week which will mean he will live at his mums and commute in. We have never really shared finances wholly,
I work in a job with unsociable hours , I make good money but I have to leave at 8-9pm I work compressed hours. If DH takes the canary wharf jobm y earning power will be severely impacted as I need to care for my DD. I have no outside help.

I've told DH that he will either have to top up my wages to how much I've lost or pay for a nanny. I also have a health condition and compressed hours make it easier to manage.
DH is saying I'm being unreasonable and that it's good he's earning more money but I don't believe it's beneficial in anyway to my life. I would rather he took the job with less pay so I am able to work as I need too.

I feel I have financial independence at the moment and the working away would make me feel vulnerable. AIBU?

@Onnabugeisha

Why should she pay for the nanny?

It's his choice to move away. So it's his cost. Not hers.

The nanny is to cover the childcare he normally does

I have a London-based job and we live 3 hours away. It works because I've figured out how to balance in office time with wfh. I used to go in 2-3 days a week (meaning I'd get home about 8pm those nights), so dh would have dc from after school/nursery and then he'd work longer days the other days. So neither of us were significantly impacted by my working pattern.

Between the 2 of you, you need to work out how you can make both your careers work with a child in the mix. Living away all week, even for more money, isn't a practical solution, but nor is working compressed hours til 8-9pm every night if the parenting all falls to the other parent. I think it would be really tough on your dd to have one parent away and only a nanny around after school til bedtime, so there has to be some middle ground where you can find a solution.

This is utter rot. Would you say the same to a SAHM who has “chosen” to return to work that childcare is 100% her cost? or “chosen” a job with more hours that requires working away for part of the week?

The facts are their child needs care during the hours when they are BOTH working, ergo, they need to split the costs of childcare. Just because one parent starting working those hours first, doesn’t mean the other parent is now on the hook for staying home or paying 100% of childcare for those hours.

I have rarely seen an example of such disfunction.

You appear to value your 'independence' just as much as he does, since he has facilitated you being able to earn more for quite some time?

You need to sit down and create the life you want together. This will involve compromises on both sides. I'm aghast that you can't see this.

How about you call his bluff? All move to London for his job ? He’ll still see dd etc

@Onnabugeisha

He won't be working for a lot of the hours the op is.

He just won't be living in the house

He's choosing to move away Mon to Fri. Meaning he is removing himself as a childcare option.

So he has to pay for that childcare

YANBU. If he wants to change the status quo, why should you take the hit for it?

The fact that you don't get home until after 9pm 3 days a week is someting to be considered as well. It seems that you rely on him to do the childcare 3 evenings/nights a week to futher your job so you need to look at splitting the child care bill between the two of you.

It seems it’s all about you and your needs and I’m wondering why you married him. When I got married we created a joint account as well as our separate ones. He covered my wage for a little while when I stopped work for a year to write a book. He gave me a small amount each month. We were both skint for that year and now the book’s a big hit and we’re good and I’ve made it so he can retire. The point is - in good times and in bad we took the hit/blessing together - that’s what marriage is.

When the status quo changes you should both share the hit/blessing. Raising the children should be shared and the cost thereof. This is marriage.

@KimberleyClark I did too I was really confused

I don't understand the way you sort your finances. Surely it's one household income ?

What family life? He will be living and working 4 hours away and you’ll basically be a single getting child maintenance.

Currently DH does 3 evenings childcare and OP does 2. DH wants her to do all 5 evenings so he can swan off to a better job, which is totally unfair. At most she should be doing 2.5 evenings and DH needs to pay for the other 2.5.

No because I work weekends sometimes probably one in a month, she's 10 years old so not a baby she walks to school and back with friends, she was going to breakfast and after school club but she said she didn't want to go anymore and DH agreed, he's there as he WFH. He worked away from when she was aged 2-6 five days a week moved to hybrid when she was 6, and it impacted loads on me I wasn't able to work until she was school age then only able to really work full time in my chosen path from when he went to WFH.

Sounds more like its about him and his needs

He wants to opt out of parenting for 5 full days a week so that he can earn more money which he does not intend on sharing with his family

Meanwhile the OP is expected to cover extra childcare which either impacts on her income or her outgoings

Sounds much more about his wants than the families needs to me

Well I think you should split the cost of the nanny as you both wish to work.

You have a very strange outlook. You are married so at the end of the day you are not financially independent, you are financially tethered to this man.

If this were my husband, I would not be worrying about his “topping up” my salary or paying for a nanny, as we share money anyway. But we would be having a very serious conversation over whether we want to live in different parts of the country during the week and how our marriage is going to work or indeed survive in that case (as I want to live with my husband).

Your DH is definitely unreasonable, but... So are you although less so.

Your DH works from home, in that time you work long hours for 3 days so childcare arrangements are all on him on those days.

DH now may have to work in an office so childcare for those 3 days is more than likely going to have to change. Unfortunately he's decided 5 days in London is the answer which is a bit idiotic IMO and doesn't sound reasonable at all.

But... If he chose a role that was more local and in the office I don't think he'd be doing much wrong, you'd have to come up with the extra childcare costs between you though as it wouldn't be all his responsibility, circumstances change and you're meant to be a team.you seem very protective of your role and I get that, but that should never come at the expense of devaluing your partner and what he does today. The London idea is stupid, but similar problems are going to come up if he goes office based locally too because he may not be able to cover all childcare on your long days then either.

DH should foot the bill. You are right to protect yourself.

I don't see why I should have to share the cost of the nanny when it is his choice to get a job in London. He doesn't have too there's WFH jobs albeit paying 525 instead of 600-700 per day but also I cannot work and I get 325-425 per day so it's a net loss .if I find another job I struggle with 9-5 and it will mean a huge pay cut for me. He will also have to pay huge taxes on the extra 75- £125 he makes.

@OP Reading your posts... has he been treated as a child care option 4 days of the week from 630am to until 8-9pm while WFH, and presumably stuck inside alone during that time, too?

If so, I would be grateful for DP doing that until now, rather than taking it for granted forever, and now that things are changing divide the cost of child care in two.

When my ex made a similar decision - commuting up to London, long hours, his increased salary did pay for a nanny, which enabled me to carry on working. Only fair and he fully agreed.

When he did go (OW) I had a fully formed career and could carry on working to support myself. Economic vulnerability is not a sensible state for any woman to be in, especially with dc involved.

She's 10 years old I did the sole childcare pretty much from birth- 6. She walks to and from school with friends herself , She simply needs dinner preparing prompting to shower, prompting to do homework she's not a baby it's very easy. I did it for years when she was younger and it was much harder.