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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge DH for my lost earnings?

349 replies

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 11:33

My DH is a contractor and will soon need to look for another role hes been WFH for 4 years. I've found WFH one but it's not as much pay as canary wharf 5 days per week which will mean he will live at his mums and commute in. We have never really shared finances wholly,
I work in a job with unsociable hours , I make good money but I have to leave at 8-9pm I work compressed hours. If DH takes the canary wharf jobm y earning power will be severely impacted as I need to care for my DD. I have no outside help.

I've told DH that he will either have to top up my wages to how much I've lost or pay for a nanny. I also have a health condition and compressed hours make it easier to manage.
DH is saying I'm being unreasonable and that it's good he's earning more money but I don't believe it's beneficial in anyway to my life. I would rather he took the job with less pay so I am able to work as I need too.

I feel I have financial independence at the moment and the working away would make me feel vulnerable. AIBU?

OP posts:
GenXxx · 27/02/2023 14:09

@Wiwi Whose name is the property in if it’s owned? In the event of divorce, he may find he has to pool all resources including time.

The problem here lies beyond the childcare issues and goes to his commitment to the family.

This is exemplified by his unwillingness to share household finances as well as the ease with which he wants to run home to mummy/pursue his career. This doesn’t sound fair or very adult.

Mirabai · 27/02/2023 14:09

Why do you pay for the cleaner?

Botw1 · 27/02/2023 14:09

@Wiwi

It doesn't sound like much of a relationship tbh

Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 14:10

Mirabai · 27/02/2023 14:09

Why do you pay for the cleaner?

He pays for internet , council tax and a few other bits.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 27/02/2023 14:12

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 14:10

He pays for internet , council tax and a few other bits.

Show quote history

At least that balances out.

ConcordeOoter · 27/02/2023 14:13

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

If you read on to my next post, you will see that I misread OP's working hours, which is what that post was based on, sorry for the crossed wires. And yeah, if my spouse was alone, working full time, and the only responsible adult for 4 days of the week so we could both work I would be grateful for that situation for as long as it lasted and I think most of us would, but it's academic since that was just my misunderstanding. Sorry again for the crossed wires.

AlwaysGinPlease · 27/02/2023 14:14

iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 27/02/2023 13:56

I wondered what happened to the earrings 🫢

Me too until I realized 🤦🏻‍♀️😊😂

Coffeellama · 27/02/2023 14:19

I think if your DH is moving out for a job, 4 hours away, opting out of parenting and you aren’t on board with it, that’s ending the marriage really isn’t it? He’s moving 4 hours away from his wife and child without it being a family decision, and it doesn’t even financially benefit you. This is not a marriage I’d be a part of.

WineCap · 27/02/2023 14:19

It sounds like he doesn't want to spend time with his family. I'd leave my DH if he chose to swan off to London and live with mummy. The increase in pay shouldn't be worth ditching his family in the week if you aren't struggling financially.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 27/02/2023 14:25

Like fuck would I be married to a man who earns over 100k and keeps most of it for himself Angry. What a cunt.

SnackSizeRaisin · 27/02/2023 14:29

So you are planning to leave your child with neither parent for 3-4 consecutive days each week? Presumably she will be in bed by 9 and not up till after 6.30 so she won't see either of you on the days you work. I don't think that's fair on a ten year old even if you have a nanny. Both parents sound very selfish. Perhaps the DD can go to live with mil as well.

DaveyJonesLocker · 27/02/2023 14:29

No you're absolutely NBU. He doesn't get to just ditch his child and expect you to drop your career to allow him to progress his career. He needs to find a way to continue to meet his responsibilities if he wants to take this job.

steff13 · 27/02/2023 14:29

This doesn't sound like a marriage to me. However, if he chooses to take this job, childcare is both of your responsibility, so you both need to pay for it. You don't get "grandfathered in" because you had your job first. Your job has ridiculous hours, I wouldn't be happy with that or with him working away. Neither of you are being particularly reasonable here.

Or, you can separate and you can each be responsible for childcare on your own parenting time.

Botw1 · 27/02/2023 14:31

@SnackSizeRaisin

The op isn't planning on doing that.

Her oh is

ffsnotagainandagain · 27/02/2023 14:31

Your poor DD. To me it sounds like you both just treat her like an animal to juggle around what you find more important (your jobs). You keep talking about her basic needs and not about actually being there for her. So he will be away all week and you gone between 6:30am to between 8 and 9pm 3 - 4 days a week. Wow poor kid. This is not a family unit.

magma32 · 27/02/2023 14:32

Hi OP not read all your posts but
it seems your Dh is the one who won’t share finances with you which is why you are so protective over your job and financial independence, too right you need to protect yourself as he’s shown you what he’s like. I agree, he should be paying all the extra costs if it’s his idea to earn money for himself. I’m sure you’d be happy to do more childcare if he was making sure you were looked after financially but he doesn’t so he’s taking more hours and expects you to do more childcare and earn less subsequently.

If you are married then you will be entitled to more of his money/assets if you divorced so I would save up for a good lawyer incase you decide to leave him.
Not sure whose name the house is in? Is there something keeping you with him? Any kind of pressure to stay? Because he doesn’t see you as a family unit and I can see why you’ve had to carve out your own life to have some dignity and to protect yourself in the future.

randomusername2020 · 27/02/2023 14:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/02/2023 14:33

No MIL would love to have him 5 days a week, when she's off she gets up and makes him a cooked breakfast and packed lunch.

Oh God, so he's still a man child who wants to live with his Mummy instead of looking after his family and child properly and financially. What is even remotely attractive about that?

Orangeis · 27/02/2023 14:33

So you just need an after school Nanny 3 days a week? That would be about £600 a month, maybe you pay £100 and he pays £500?

ConcordeOoter · 27/02/2023 14:34

Botw1 · 27/02/2023 13:19

@ConcordeOoter

Youd be grateful to your oh for parenting his own child?

He's not a childcare option. He's a parent

He's not doing the op a favour.

Assuming you read my comment in full: If it was more than 50% of the week so I could work those hours, then absolutely, yes.

NettleTea · 27/02/2023 14:35

did he give you money during the 6 years you looked after DD full time? Money for YOU, not money for the home/bills/ your DD?
or did you have savings that you burned through?

Botw1 · 27/02/2023 14:36

@ConcordeOoter

The op doesn't work more than 50 % of the week.

I don't consider dh parenting his children a favour that allows me to work.

We both work. We're both responsible for them.

ConcordeOoter · 27/02/2023 14:51

Botw1 · 27/02/2023 14:36

@ConcordeOoter

The op doesn't work more than 50 % of the week.

I don't consider dh parenting his children a favour that allows me to work.

We both work. We're both responsible for them.

Ah, assumed you had seen what I posted, the >50% I would be grateful for, but the >50% is not relevant to the OP's situation because of a mistake on my part that I apologised up thread. Don't want to hijack OP's thread so I'll leave that there.

CatJumperTwat · 27/02/2023 14:59

This is all so bizarre. You sound like you don't like each other and you view your marriage as a grim business partnership you have to put up with for the sake of income.

Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 15:08

NettleTea · 27/02/2023 14:35

did he give you money during the 6 years you looked after DD full time? Money for YOU, not money for the home/bills/ your DD?
or did you have savings that you burned through?

Not really very minimal amount of spending money he sees money as his. I've managed to pay in some pension and I have some savings. He has no pension I earned very good money the past few years I'm totally independent so having to go back to lower amounts would be very tough on me. I do still love him I find him amusing funny and we get on but money and career is a massive issue always has been. He's tight. He doesn't really see that the job in Canary wharf only benefits him not me or DD. I found him a hybrid role nearby and he scoffed at the pay. With both of us earning it's fine but he wants to chase the higher wages.

I'm not saying he can't ever go to the office as I'm not in everyday so he can I just want him to not work away so far. He's been out motorbiking this afternoon so it's not a bad life.

OP posts:
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