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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge DH for my lost earnings?

349 replies

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 11:33

My DH is a contractor and will soon need to look for another role hes been WFH for 4 years. I've found WFH one but it's not as much pay as canary wharf 5 days per week which will mean he will live at his mums and commute in. We have never really shared finances wholly,
I work in a job with unsociable hours , I make good money but I have to leave at 8-9pm I work compressed hours. If DH takes the canary wharf jobm y earning power will be severely impacted as I need to care for my DD. I have no outside help.

I've told DH that he will either have to top up my wages to how much I've lost or pay for a nanny. I also have a health condition and compressed hours make it easier to manage.
DH is saying I'm being unreasonable and that it's good he's earning more money but I don't believe it's beneficial in anyway to my life. I would rather he took the job with less pay so I am able to work as I need too.

I feel I have financial independence at the moment and the working away would make me feel vulnerable. AIBU?

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 27/02/2023 12:24

How is your relationship generally? This set up seems bizarre to me but each to their own if it works. Except it doesn't sound as if it is anymore.

Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 12:24

Ihavedogs · 27/02/2023 12:16

It it not fully clear as to what impact this will have on your job and I am not sure what the leaving at 8-9pm means; is that leaving home or leaving work? How old is DD? Responses are going to vary depending on how your job will be impacted.

I leave for work at around 6:30 am and finish at 8-9 pm, its around 3 days a week rarely 4. There are 9-5 opportunities but it doesn't pay as well and the impact on my health is more.

OP posts:
AllWorkYoPlait · 27/02/2023 12:24

You both split the cost of childcare. What an odd approach to marriage you two have.

How much extra does Canary Wharf actually bring in once you BOTH factor in the cost of additional childcare and his commute? Don't be surprised when his pricey city social life suddenly materialises too.

Botw1 · 27/02/2023 12:28

I wouldn't be OK with this either.

He doesn't get to opt out of family life Mon to Fri.

He needs to pick the job that suits his family

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/02/2023 12:28

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 27/02/2023 11:48

If DH takes the canary wharf jobm y earning power will be severely impacted as I need to care for my DD.

No.

If DH chooses to take a job that means that HE cannot care for his DD, his earning power will be impacted by the cost of suitable childcare to cover those hours.

Why does he imagine that parenting DD is only YOUR responsibility?

This.

The other option is to change the way your finances work so that each persons greater or lesser earning power. But I think in your situation it’s better to keep your independence fully and make sure is doing his half of childcare either himself or by paying for cover.

Gincan · 27/02/2023 12:28

I think he's got a cheek thinking this is OK! Your finances are separate and he wants you to take a cut so he earns more? And the childcare is somehow solely your responsibility? No way. He needs to come up with another childcare solution or at least put the extra money in a joint account

ConfusedNT · 27/02/2023 12:29

As you don't share money I see where you are coming from

If you have to change job to a lower paid one then he gets more money whilst you get less

If you have to share the cost of a nanny then if his rise is higher than his share of the nanny then he gets more money whilst you get less

And as you haven't said he is willing to pay for half the nanny at least then there's a potential third option

You pay for a nanny and he gets more money whilst you get less

Basically he is willing for you to take the financial losses caused by the job but not the financial gains

I would not change jobs if I were you. If its better for your health and your finances then stick with what suits you. He either needs to share his gains or pay for a nanny.

RunTowardsTheLight · 27/02/2023 12:30

YANBU. He needs to pay for a nanny.

ConfusedNT · 27/02/2023 12:33

Oh and if you end up sharing the cost of a nanny then it needs to be proportional. If you are working 3 days you are already doing 2 days of the childcare. Which means the most you need to pay for is half of a day of the nanny's bill. He is responsible for the other 2.5 days worth.

He can't just opt out of his half of parenting and expect you to pay to cover it

Dweetfidilove · 27/02/2023 12:35

DH is saying I'm being unreasonable and that it's good he's earning more money but I don't believe it's beneficial in anyway to my life.

I have no more useful advice than has already been offered, but this is so sad. You're meant to be a team, improving each other's lives as your 'fortunes' improve.

N27 · 27/02/2023 12:36

I wouldn’t be ok with this.

why does he think HIS earning potential is more important than yours?

lazycats · 27/02/2023 12:37

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 12:22

That's not an option for me I value my financial independence too much. I've seen far too many women being screwed over. I guess a nanny will be only the option DH will have to foot the bill. He might change his mind to WFH if he's having to pay out.

Show quote history

Your marriage sounds really dysfunctional to be talking this way.

lazycats · 27/02/2023 12:38

(as in, this level of annoyance, not that you aren't right to be annoyed)

Fiddledediddledeedee · 27/02/2023 12:38

Ask yourself OP
If it was the other way round would you change jobs that obviously
impacted on
his earrings
DD childcare arrangements
his career
his quality of life
his salary

Its certainly not something I would do and it sounds like you wouldn’t either

DP can’t carry on with his life regardless of his commitments.

This is a serious family discussion matter.

VeggieSalsa · 27/02/2023 12:38

You have a status quo that I assume works.

If he wants to change that for whatever reason then he needs to find a solution to make sure the alternative still works.

You changing your working role isn’t up for negotiation, so you picking up the slack isn’t an option.

You’ve proposed a lower paid solution for him and he seems to be unwilling to take that option up.

He therefore needs to propose another solution.

You’re both within your rights to stand strong on your current positions but he can’t move forward unless he can solve the problem he is proposing to create…

Onnabugeisha · 27/02/2023 12:39

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 12:22

That's not an option for me I value my financial independence too much. I've seen far too many women being screwed over. I guess a nanny will be only the option DH will have to foot the bill. He might change his mind to WFH if he's having to pay out.

Show quote history

Why wouldn’t you split the cost of the nanny? DD is both of yours and as your work schedules leave a gap in care, you should jointly cover the child care costs.

Ihavedogs · 27/02/2023 12:39

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 12:24

I leave for work at around 6:30 am and finish at 8-9 pm, its around 3 days a week rarely 4. There are 9-5 opportunities but it doesn't pay as well and the impact on my health is more.

Show quote history

You’ve not said how old DD is, but with those sort of work hours which I assume are Monday to Friday would not be compatible with looking after or finding care for DD. What solution has DH given for you to be able to continue with your current job and hours if he is away during the week?

Personally I would not be happy at all if I was in your position, as it looks like there would have to be significant changes to your hours, income, or possibly even giving up your job. I would feel slightly differently if I didn’t enjoy the job, or had not been doing it for very long. But if I enjoyed it and had been in the role for a while there is no way I would actively put myself in a position where I became financially dependent on another adult.

Savoury · 27/02/2023 12:40

Is he inside or outside IR35? A lot of girls are saying “inside” but making the contractor sign to say the judgement is theirs. Do think carefully about the contract as no-one wins against Canary Wharf legal teams.
Also most CW banks are allowing some WFH so why isn’t he availing of this?
The whole things dodgy.

Savoury · 27/02/2023 12:40

Firms, not girls.

Botw1 · 27/02/2023 12:42

@Onnabugeisha

Why should the op cover his share?

FromMyKitchen21 · 27/02/2023 12:43

Why on earth is he not paying for childcare for his own child? That needs to change immediately. You are right to keep your own job but he has to pay for his kid, house etc. the most straightforward thing is a joint account for all household expenses but if you don’t do test then he also has to pay according to his means. If your compressed hours are helping him work full time then he pays child care proportionally.

HikingforScenery · 27/02/2023 12:43

Surely you just split the cost of childcare?!
Has your DH been looking after your DD from 6am-9pm for 3/4days out of 5?

Onnabugeisha · 27/02/2023 12:43

Botw1 · 27/02/2023 12:42

@Onnabugeisha

Why should the op cover his share?

I didn’t say that. OP is the one saying her DH needs to pay 100% costs of a nanny. I’m saying they should share the costs of a nanny.

Muststopeating · 27/02/2023 12:45

God I'd love to go and live at my mum's Mon-Fri and let someone else worry about the childcare. That sounds idyllic.

In my next life I'm coming back as a man!

HikingforScenery · 27/02/2023 12:46

Definitely wouldn’t be happy with him spending the week in London and leaving all the childcare to you.