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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge DH for my lost earnings?

349 replies

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 11:33

My DH is a contractor and will soon need to look for another role hes been WFH for 4 years. I've found WFH one but it's not as much pay as canary wharf 5 days per week which will mean he will live at his mums and commute in. We have never really shared finances wholly,
I work in a job with unsociable hours , I make good money but I have to leave at 8-9pm I work compressed hours. If DH takes the canary wharf jobm y earning power will be severely impacted as I need to care for my DD. I have no outside help.

I've told DH that he will either have to top up my wages to how much I've lost or pay for a nanny. I also have a health condition and compressed hours make it easier to manage.
DH is saying I'm being unreasonable and that it's good he's earning more money but I don't believe it's beneficial in anyway to my life. I would rather he took the job with less pay so I am able to work as I need too.

I feel I have financial independence at the moment and the working away would make me feel vulnerable. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 13:42

Alwaysworryingoversomething · 27/02/2023 13:38

I'm a bit surprised that the OP considers this is all a 10 year old needs;

"She's 10 years old I did the sole childcare pretty much from birth- 6. She walks to and from school with friends herself , She simply needs dinner preparing prompting to shower, prompting to do homework she's not a baby it's very easy. I did it for years when she was younger and it was much harder."

What is very taxing about taking care of a 10 year old ? She's well behaved and pleasant to spend time with. She's very independent with personal hygiene , dressing etc . If I won the lottery I wouldn't work again and spend all my time with her.

OP posts:
randomusername2020 · 27/02/2023 13:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Ponderingwindow · 27/02/2023 13:50

This scenario is the perfect encapsulation of why married couples share finances. Your decisions are inherently linked and are not independent, yet each of you is only considering your own best interest.

if he is going to work away, then there has to be some plan for making sure his responsibilities at home are still met. He can’t just assume you will cover any more than you can assume he will prioritize your job. The two of you will likely need to look into paying for childcare and housekeeping to make both of your jobs feasible.

and I also read the title as jewelry

whitebreadjamsandwich · 27/02/2023 13:51

How do you split household bills?

Childcare is just another household expense that you are both responsible for, so it should be split the same as other household expenses.

But....I'd be more concerned about the fact he's prepared to indefinitely be away all week, every week from you and your daughter

AmandaClare · 27/02/2023 13:51

This all sounds so dysfunctional. You're both BU and you sound like you're barely a partnership.

I think you need to separate the issue into two questions- first is it ok for him to work away (leaving aside the money) and then think about the money. Would you be happy being sole parent all week and not seeing him? Is he not happy seeing you? It's a really big deal, never mind who pays for what.

Then, if you're both happy, look at the money. That means each taking responsibility for childcare, bills etc- not just you and not just him. Start from scratch. The fact that he's the one who wants to make a change doesn't mean that all the childcare cost falls to him but neither should it fall to you. You don't have to pool money if you don't want to but you need to recognise that you aren't actually two completely independent agents- you are connected through your joint responsibilities to your daughter and you both need to recognise that.

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2023 13:53

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 13:11

I don't see why I should have to share the cost of the nanny when it is his choice to get a job in London. He doesn't have too there's WFH jobs albeit paying 525 instead of 600-700 per day but also I cannot work and I get 325-425 per day so it's a net loss .if I find another job I struggle with 9-5 and it will mean a huge pay cut for me. He will also have to pay huge taxes on the extra 75- £125 he makes.

Show quote history

Will it impact CB or is that already not in the equation?

How is your marriage generally because on the face of it, it doesn't sound brilliant. In which case you need to keep your job

GenXxx · 27/02/2023 13:54

Can DH not ask for a hybrid option or to go in two days so that would only mean being away for one night?

London based jobs will nearly always pay more but if depends on your industries.

Can you do your role near London? What are the school options like locally for DD and closer to DH’s new contract?

How long is the contract for? You are both pulling in good wages so a nanny would be totally affordable regardless of who pays. Would an au pair who already had settled status in the UK be an option if you have a spare room?

redskydelight · 27/02/2023 13:56

I think it's a shame that you are both thinking about this in terms of finances rather than trying to come up with a best solution that works for all of you, and takes DD's needs into account as well.

OP has a job with non-standard working hours which means she can't cover after school every day or some weekends.

DH wants to work away which means he won't be able to cover weekday evenings, but he will be able to cover weekends.

Surely you look at what this looks like for DD - which is that she has to have some sort of childcare on the days that OP is working. As she's 10, this will only be for a year or two, then she might be expected to be self sufficient during this time.

Do you (both) think this is acceptable? If you do, then you share the cost of childcare. If you don't, then you (both) look at what jobs you can do to reduce the necessity for childcare whilst meeting your (both) career needs.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 27/02/2023 13:56

Exactly. My oh works for Barclays in Canary wharf but hasn't been in since 2019.

iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 27/02/2023 13:56

I wondered what happened to the earrings 🫢

Somanycats · 27/02/2023 13:59

Every single thing about this is ridiculous. Divorce and get on with living your independent lives. You are already doing this really, if you neither live together nor share finances. Plus you don't discuss career changes with each other. Just divorce and be done with it.

Bluetrews25 · 27/02/2023 14:01

You also need to factor in how much he will need to pay MIL for board and lodgings. He can't expect to increase her costs of running her home and feeding him long term for free. That will bring down the profit margin.
Do some maths.
Extra income, extra costs, does it all add up to enough to make it worthwhile?

GenXxx · 27/02/2023 14:01

If the OP’s DH takes the role at the lower day rate, he will earn gross around £144k - I have taken out four weeks for holidays and sick pay as day rate contractors don’t get these. If he earns 700 a day, he should gross 168k if you take out four weeks of earnings. It’s definitely in OP’s interests to be pooling resources… and then declare that the wraparound care can be paid jointly.

Mirabai · 27/02/2023 14:02

As any woman has to - DH needs to balance potential higher pay with increased childcare costs. If childcare and commuting fees eat into his higher salary it’s not really worth doing.

I wouldn’t be impressed by his bowing out of family life in this way.

Botw1 · 27/02/2023 14:02

@GenXxx

Finances aren't the only important things.

I would never consider dh working away to be in our interests

Mirabai · 27/02/2023 14:03

Bluetrews25 · 27/02/2023 14:01

You also need to factor in how much he will need to pay MIL for board and lodgings. He can't expect to increase her costs of running her home and feeding him long term for free. That will bring down the profit margin.
Do some maths.
Extra income, extra costs, does it all add up to enough to make it worthwhile?

Exactly.

Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 14:03

GenXxx · 27/02/2023 14:01

If the OP’s DH takes the role at the lower day rate, he will earn gross around £144k - I have taken out four weeks for holidays and sick pay as day rate contractors don’t get these. If he earns 700 a day, he should gross 168k if you take out four weeks of earnings. It’s definitely in OP’s interests to be pooling resources… and then declare that the wraparound care can be paid jointly.

He won't pool resources properly never has done , it's like getting blood of out of stone. Hence I work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 14:04

Mirabai · 27/02/2023 14:03

Exactly.

Show quote history

No MIL would love to have him 5 days a week, when she's off she gets up and makes him a cooked breakfast and packed lunch. 🙄

OP posts:
Uhave2changethings · 27/02/2023 14:05

if you neither live together nor share finances.
Well, they live together at the moment and I think the OP doesn't want him to move away. I presume they share some finances e.g joint account for shared expenses like bills, mortgage etc but keep their own separate accounts also which I think is healthy. You can love someone and want to be with them and have differences of opinion about how you work and the running of the household. If he won't 'pool resources' then you have to discuss how the childcare will be covered.

Strawberrydelight78 · 27/02/2023 14:05

Is he not contributing financially at all to your DD? She is his child as well as yours so he should be.

Mirabai · 27/02/2023 14:06

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 14:04

No MIL would love to have him 5 days a week, when she's off she gets up and makes him a cooked breakfast and packed lunch. 🙄

Show quote history

Is he really intending to sponge off his mum who should be saving all she can for care fees?

Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 14:07

Mirabai · 27/02/2023 14:06

Is he really intending to sponge off his mum who should be saving all she can for care fees?

Show quote history

She would never expect money off him to stay ever wouldn't ever cross her mind. If he did offer she would say no.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 27/02/2023 14:07

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 14:03

He won't pool resources properly never has done , it's like getting blood of out of stone. Hence I work.

Show quote history

So you’ve never shared finances, he worked away for some years when you had sole care of DD, and now he wants to live with his mum. He’s not really in this 100% is he?

Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 14:08

Strawberrydelight78 · 27/02/2023 14:05

Is he not contributing financially at all to your DD? She is his child as well as yours so he should be.

Yes he contributes , mortgage bills are paid In proportion to earnings. I solely pay for the cleaner , all DDs things are split 50/50.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 27/02/2023 14:08

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 14:07

She would never expect money off him to stay ever wouldn't ever cross her mind. If he did offer she would say no.

Show quote history

He should know what is due regardless.