It is not about who pays for what.
It is about a failing marriage which is not working because the husband does not share his salary with his family.
It started to fail when he left his wife with a new baby on her own and worked away from Monday to Friday and gave her no housekeeping. She had no money from him. This went on for 6 years.
`instead of her telling him he must support his family and give her access to housekeeping money, and if he refused she would leave him, she decided she could only do one thing; go out to work.
That was not surprising. Because she still undertook the vast majority of child-care outside school hours, she took a job with long hours for three days a week. It was by no means as well paid as her husband but he expected her to keep herself and presumably her child too, as far as clothes, school outings, birthdays etc..
He worked from home so was there when his daughter came in after school on his wife's work-days.
Now he's going to stop doing that.
He does not see that he ought to make an equal contribution to the household/family in a manner as below:-
They open a joint account and each pay in all his salary and she pay in hers and they pay themselves a certain - same each - amount into their personal accounts each month for personal use (presents, hairdresser etc.) So there is the one main joint family account and they each have their own personal accounts. It should never be an argument about who pays in most because salaries and ability to work will differ. Both parties are working whether at work or home with the family. There must be mutual respect for this.
My feeling is, if a woman is married to a man who refuses to set up their finances some way similar to above, then the man has revealed he loves money rather than his wife and she should leave him.
Money tells the truth about us.
And here our OP is trying to explain something with great difficulty, which gets lost with the wrong issues. I get the impression she is not all that familiar with how other people organise family money or maybe she was cut off from friends and family when she had her baby.
I am sure it began when she probably nearly had a break down when left on her own with a new baby and without a penny and realised she was with a man who did not value her enough to even give her some money to go out for a coffee while he was away. I do not think she realised exactly how unreasonable he was and I suspect she was scared to speak up. I think when she talks about who should take turns with child care it is really a displaced anxiety from that dreadful time when she learned that you really cannot live without money and her husband doesn't care if he forces her into this position again. Rather than talk about feelings too, I suspect she prefers to keep the problem contained in cut and dried terms about money and hours.
Wiwi - Although it seems to be about making him realise it's his responsibility to cover his absence from the afternoons he currently is home for your daughter, and especially since he is causing the change, it is his duty to do it, and it is only fair that he does, tI think he real problem is deeper than that.
If this had not arisen, if he hadn't said he was not going to be in on the three afternoons a week for his daughter, I think another problem would have cropped up at some point. He has a problem. It would be impossible for him not to affect you with his deep-seated personality problem.
The real problem is that this man is totally selfish.
The American Dictionary of the Psychological association states:
Some signs of a selfish person include:
-having no regard for how their behavior impacts others
-consistently acting in their own self-interests instead of meeting the needs of others
-having no empathy for the suffering of other people
-showing no remorse when they’ve hurt other people
-using manipulation tactics to get what they want
-always asking for favors but never repaying them
-being unkind, or their kindness comes with a price
-using others to get what they want
-not giving back to others
-feeling entitled to always getting what they want, even if it means that others will be pushed down
The only way to deal with a selfish person is to have strong boundaries. Make it clear that you will not tolerate certain things. If the person always ruins your life by doing things that mean you cannot carry out your job or look after your child, then there is only one way to go. Avoid them. Leave them.
The problem has come to light here because he will not share his true financial responsibilities for his family. In not doing so he is openly revealing he does not love his baby or wife enough to actually maintain them financially.
He got away with leaving you on your own and penniless for 6 years from when his baby was born. How you coped I cannot imagine. But he got away with it and now thinks it's ok.
I believe he will not change. The true him is out in the open now as you have hit another crisis brought about by his selfish choice of more money over family. He prefers to not see his daughter and cause great hurt to his wife and keep all his higher pay, rather than to stay and see his daughter, be with his family, support his wife, still be paid well and still keep his pay - which should be fairly shared, see paragraph*.
I think this shows the truth about him.
Now you know he loves money more than his daughter or you, are you prepared to work to support such a selfish man? Because every penny you earn goes towards his keeping his fat salary for himself. If he says because he's paid more he deserves to spend more on himself than you do, or that he deserves an expensive motorbike because he "earned it" and implies if you want one you should get a better job and buy your own, he should not be married. His attitude suggests he's a narcissist.
Remember, you are working, whether it's being at work doing your job or in the home cooking, planning, washing, looking after DD... He the same. It's the two combined that should be equal and all members of the family should receive in the same way from the family money. Imagine (to make it easy) you were paid 400peanuts pcm and he gets 1000 peanuts pcm. All 1400 of it goes into the family joint account and from that each of you is paid 100peanuts a month into your own personal account for personal spending. Then everything needed to run the house and for the family comes from the 1200peanuts a month joint account. That includes traveling expenses to work, DD pocket money, all house bills, food, etc. clothes for all of you, (Maybe talk over any large bills required for special things), Dentist's fees, ... any 'normal' living expenses.
I've reread your responses Wiwi, and still think you are a good hard-working mum and a good role-model. It's good for your DD to see her mum doing well in a career she put herself through training for. You get lots of time with your daughter too.
I utterly detest that your selfish husband (I can't write 'D'H) thinks he does not have to contribute fully to a joint budget for the family and have a personal account into which he is paid the same as you. If you both do this you are both equals. As for his paying bills for his daughter on a 50-50 basis when he makes it difficult for you to earn and you earn so much less than he.. that is wrong too! You said, "Yes he contributes , mortgage bills are paid In proportion to earnings." and "He pays for internet , council tax and a few other bits." Of course he does! He would have to pay these if he weren't married! He needs the internet for work! and "money he sees money as his. I think he spends most of his income he gambles on high risk stocks , cars, motorbikes ,"
What kind of person is he? No pension, throws away money...
I think what sums it up is
"He won't pool resources properly never has done , it's like getting blood of out of stone. Hence I work " plus "He's tight. He doesn't really see that the job in Canary wharf only benefits him not me or DD." Well, it doesn't "not benefit" you and DD", Wiwi, it harms you, both of you!
and when you were forced to be at home, it wasn't the SAHM part really that put you off, IMHO, because you said if you won the lottery you'd stay with your DD all the time, it's that memory of that time when, you told us you, "felt very vulnerable" on your own at home alone all day and night with no money.
Oh PLEASE Wiwi, get rid of him so you can take control of your life and your daughter's life. Please go to a Solicitor now. I'm praying for you.
[Has he taken out life insurance on himself and you? I assume he has it for the mortgage. ]