To charge DH for my lost earnings?

[Wiwi]

My DH is a contractor and will soon need to look for another role hes been WFH for 4 years. I've found WFH one but it's not as much pay as canary wharf 5 days per week which will mean he will live at his mums and commute in. We have never really shared finances wholly,
I work in a job with unsociable hours , I make good money but I have to leave at 8-9pm I work compressed hours. If DH takes the canary wharf jobm y earning power will be severely impacted as I need to care for my DD. I have no outside help.

I've told DH that he will either have to top up my wages to how much I've lost or pay for a nanny. I also have a health condition and compressed hours make it easier to manage.
DH is saying I'm being unreasonable and that it's good he's earning more money but I don't believe it's beneficial in anyway to my life. I would rather he took the job with less pay so I am able to work as I need too.

I feel I have financial independence at the moment and the working away would make me feel vulnerable. AIBU?

Christ, I'd be laying out that he is a father with responsibilities and he can't just chase after unsuitable jobs without a care in the world and expect you to pick up the slack.

That job is not compatible with family life and there are perfectly good opportunities closer to home.

Id be very clear you are not going to be facilitating this for him.

I'd also get online and calculate maintenance he would have to pay if you split. You'd probably actually be better off.

Wow, what a narrow-minded remark not everyone follows the same pattern - @Ihavedogs says they've happily had separate finances for 35 years so it's obviously working for them.

This sounds very difficult OP - your financial stability is important since your DH is not fully open with his finances or does not give you equal access to what should be joint money. Would it be worth sucking up the extra childcare costs for yourself to be able to continue working in your job until DD is more independent? You are only talking a few years although not everyone will agree with that. My 16 year old DS has been spending lots of after school /evenings with bf and other friends families since she was 13- she has disabled brother so relishes ‘normal’ families ( her words not mine) with younger siblings. You have several days a week where you are there for DD completely so she is not deprived of your time you are just trying to balance your life. Good luck.

Actually she says they don't have shared finances but that they fairly distribute their income. I.e. they have shared finances.

Well there you go. If his extra money is fun money for him, he should pay for the extra childcare. If it is family money for all of you, the extra childcare should come out of the family budget.

I will never understand married couples who behave as though they are not married. If you get divorced, a judge will pool your resources for you.

This would be a complete non-issue if you shared finances. Many people commute weekly. I’ve done it in the past. Many couples spend time apart for work - look at military families. But the only issue you have is money/childcare costs. Not the working away.

Love this reply @SwingingPendulousBabylons couldn't have put it better myself! I rarely reply on here however i totally agree that @Wiwi & your DH are ABU & seem to have huge issues. The undertones of this entire family priorities & set up is very worrying! I am disabled and completely understand the worthiness and value a career brings but so does a family! I know lots of families where one parent works away during the week and even some for longer. This seems to be all about your career? Your DH seems to want to do his best by trying to provide and do a job he wants too. Your DD albeit 10 still needs parenting and both of you seem to see her as an inconvenience tbh and last on the list? I brought up both of my kids with all their needs and activities alone whilst balancing a career, I just had to adapt my working hours around the needs of the children and my own. Completely understand being financially independant but again through experience I have learned to share. My and my DH now have separate individual bank accounts and both equally put into a joint account to run the house and bills and shopping and other joint expenses. Perhaps this could be an option for you to consider!? I don't understand why you can't accommodate your working hours to mother your child and still satisfy your need for career development? I'm completely baffled tbh.

Have you read her posts though? HE refuses to share finances. The whole point of the thread is the money/childcare costs because he won’t share. It’s not like she’s not aware of that issue seen as she started a thread on it.

Also plenty of couples do live away for work but both people no what they are getting into and agree to it.

Lots of people have to live away from home during the week to take jobs in areas out of commuting distance. Lots of people can't just find a job within commuting distance 🙄

He needs to get these big ideas out of his head about being in finance or whatever and be a proper father and work closer to home with proper hours. Before he complains he can’t work in finance, he can easily get a job at B&Q or Starbucks and stop being a prima Donna. His daughter will remember it.

😁

Why should the OP be the one to always adapt her hours @Experiencednester ? Sounds like she is already around to ‘mother’ her daughter so why don’t we focus on whether the DH/sperm donor is around to ‘father’ his daughter too? Not all careers are flexible or have adaptable hours. Why is it always women who have to sacrifice themselves on the altar of parenthood?

Have you been compensating DH for the "childcare" he has provided while you've been working unsociable hours for the last couple of years, OP? How would you have felt if he had demanded you pay for a nanny while you were working?

You have missed my point. My argument is that if a married couple are unprepared to pool their income (rather than saying you owe me this or I paid for that) then no matter how content they might be there is an underlying trust issue. If somebody wants to be financially independent that's up to them but if I was a child mixed up in this I don't think I'd feel very secure with my parents arguing about who should pay. Unless you are thinking of parting ways or one partner has a spending problem I can't think of any reason why you would want or need to have separate finances. It doesn't make any sense.

Very good summary, I think!
He really doesn't sound as though he is - or has been - giving you - much consideration at all in his plans, OP.
You say you love him, but think about whether he is behaving in a decent way towards you. You say that you would be worse off without him, but at least you wouldn't have someone knowingly taking advantage of you!

This sums it up perfectly!
shocked at some of these responses.
People clearly havent read all her replies, have reading comprehension problems or have no problems with a man being financially abusive, but do have a problem with a women protecting her indepence from a man who is financially abusive!😡

AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere ·
Thank you

We have our own bank/savings accounts and I don’t have access to DH’s money and he doesn’t have access to mine. Some of what the OP describes resonates with our own long stranding arrangements.

We have however generally expected that we each do our bit in a way that is fair be it financial (who is paying for what), getting free time, doing things around the house, child rearing etc (some of those are no longer applicable as DC is now an adult). This is what is lacking from OP’s DH.

She said no joint finances which I take to mean joint bank accounts etc, which they don't have, and the shared finances which they do have is they share the bills by each paying their share from their own account.

My take on it anyway.

Oops, just seen @Ihavedogs ·update at 12:35 - pretty much what I thought re joint v shared finances.

I'd be quite concerned that he wants to spend the whole week away from his wife and daughter over what is probably a small amount of money (since it would be eaten up by commuting).

OP to be honest for me this would be a deal breaker. He's an awful father. There is absolutely no good reason to spend all week away from your child to earn £600 a day as opposed to £525 a day!! Would you and DD not miss him?!

The fact that he didn't share his money for 6 years when you were a SAHM is also a huge red flag.

I'd be looking to leave him and get the courts to force a huge maintenance bill given his salary, which will pay for the childcare you need. He does not care about you if he wants this awful arrangement over a small amount of money.

The fact that he didn't share his money for 6 years when you were a SAHM is also a huge red flag.

Yes, this. And the decision to work away during the week, with apparently very little discussion, suggests he is thinking about himself first, and doesn't see himself as part of a family unit.

If he's very money-driven, can't he see how much you all lose as a family by limiting your ability to work?

My thoughts exactly!

and @Ellyess thank you for your posts, I have read them all and they really sum everything up. Sorry you had to go through that too.

Never once was this 'always' mentioned. Its about 'equality' and as OP already said DH has been WFH for years enabling OP continue to pursue her career. Calling DH a sperm donor is a little bit confrontational and belittling to fathers who actually do an amazing parental role. As it seems DH has done equally with OP in this instance, he has been 'fathering' (I would say 'parenting') quite his share. It's not a competition it's about working as a family. We are all worried about the cost of living crisis and managing finances and sometimes compromises need to be made to make ends meet.
^ my initial response^^
I have since read other explanations Of why this relationship Is fractured. That's a whole 'different' subject. If he is a controlling partner and/ or not a good father, (not mentioned by OP?) then let DH go to canary wharf and OP can be self sufficient on his maintence contributions and not 'need' him financially nor for childcare. Again I do reiterate maybe a change in flexible working is a compromise and if DH is not a wanted part of the family it would be more tolerable for OP to be at home rather than insisting on doing such long hours away from the home.

This guy can though so your eye roll isn’t relevant.