Eldest Child and In-Law Wedding

StarbucksSally · 2023-02-26T13:31:11+00:00

Brother-in-law split up with a long-term Partner at the beginning of the pandemic because of his unwillingness to get married. I think he was shocked that she left. He is now marrying someone else. She seems a lovely woman; but consensus is he is marrying her as he doesn’t want to lose her. DH is best man but children were not invited. MiL went batshit and I was upset. I think DH had his ego bruised that the kids weren’t invited. I said nothing and while I was upset thought it was their wedding. They had a site that they signed up to and the bios of the wedding party were on and lo and behold there were a flower girl and ring bearer. DH and MiL spoke to BiL and he seemed scared to rock the boat but on Friday invitations arrived for our youngest children that I share with DH. My eldest who is 12 is not included. MiL is not willing to intervene and DH spoke with BiL who absolutely won’t as bride. DH has asked me to ask their dad to have her. I am going to decline wedding. DH refuses point blank to let me decline for all the children. He wants his children there and thinks we will look stupid anyway if we now decline their invitations after all the fuss.

Rachie1973 · 26/02/2023 13:34

No one should have pushed for children to go, then this wouldn’t have been an issue.

Happydays321 · 26/02/2023 13:35

Well, you were unreasonable to make a fuss about your children not being invited but I think YANBU about not letting any of your children go to the wedding.

Onethingafteranother123 · 26/02/2023 13:37

Who is 12 year old. you said Dh asked their dad , are the other children invited but one isn’t ?

LIZS · 26/02/2023 13:38

You say "my eldest" , is he not your dh's biological child? Either all go or none go surely? Whose dc are in the wedding party?

Dixiechickonhols · 26/02/2023 13:39

Onethingafteranother123 · 26/02/2023 13:37

Who is 12 year old. you said Dh asked their dad , are the other children invited but one isn’t ?

I think op has 12 yr old by one man and 2 others with dh. BIL has caved and invited his two ‘blood’ moves and nephews but not their elder half sibling.
I think they either invite the whole family all 5 of you or just dh goes.

Starlitestarbright · 26/02/2023 13:39

She doesn't seem a nice woman, it's clear she views your dhs side of the family less important especially the childrenif ahe had children in her wedding party. I wouldn't go and neither would my kids. Let him go by himself.

Dixiechickonhols · 26/02/2023 13:39

Nieces not moves!

Gwen82 · 26/02/2023 13:41

Decline for you and your son

and have a truly lovely day just with him. Trust me… 12 year old boys would much prefer to dodge a wedding and instead go to cinema and see a film he’d never usually get to see with younger siblings and then a slap up dinner with his mum

pawz · 26/02/2023 13:42

I don't think you should have raised any queries on children being invited or not, you've already caused an issue with the wedding imo - pushing for another child to be invited is just going to cause way more fuss.

Bunce1 · 26/02/2023 13:43

Need more information.

2chocolateoranges · 26/02/2023 13:43

Wow!

either all children go or none go.

if dh with our children and left the eldest out I would be leaving, he is supposed to back his family up! Your poor eldest child getting left out of a family event is disgusting!

Sneakyblinders · 26/02/2023 13:45

Rachie1973 · 26/02/2023 13:34

No one should have pushed for children to go, then this wouldn’t have been an issue.

Agree with this! But equally if you are a family of 5 (depends on lots of things - does your oldest live with you FT etc etc) then all the children should be invited.

I wouldn't want my 12 year old to be excluded so would also decline.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 26/02/2023 13:49

Such a fuss was made that the poor couple then felt obliged to issue more invitations. Now you’re making a fuss because they’ve not invited yet another child. No one is obliged to feel like your child is family. And I say that as the adoring grandparent of a much loved child we ‘acquired’ at 3. You seem determined to somehow punish this woman for not being his ex. The way you describe why you surmise he’s marrying her is very telling. Your behaviour here is terrible.

Nutsabouttopic · 26/02/2023 13:50

Stop letting your DH family treat your daughter like a second class citizen. If your DH is adamant that HIS children are going let him sort it all out. Don't sort their outfits or anything needed for the day. Do not let your daughter think that she is less wanted than them You and your beautiful firstborn have a mamny daughter day out. If his family and in particular his spineless brother see your daughter as less than her siblings, who are seen as lower than brides niece and nephew, let them deal with the children. Should be interesting as your husband is best man.

JettersonStokes · 26/02/2023 13:51

How old are the younger children and who does Dh think is going to be looking after them whilst he is stood up at the altar or sat on the top table if they are having one. Has he even thought this through? Dh was best man a couple of years ago but I was there and my children were teens.

I think it is completely shit of them not to invite the 12 year old. I would also want to decline for myself and all the children. Just let Dh go, that was what was planned in the first place.

JusteanBiscuits · 26/02/2023 13:52

My sons are nearer in age to the 'next generation' of kids. Mine are being invited to a close family members wedding, but the next generation down isn't and it's causing all sort of drama. (So their cousins are all invited, but their cousins children aren't). I am staying WELL out of it!!

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 26/02/2023 13:54

OP said that she didn't make a fuss, it was all her MIL and DH.

I think you are reasonable to not attend OP. BIL's new wife has shown who she is quite quickly and he has shown he's a pathetic coward, so those are useful things to know going forward.

FictionalCharacter · 26/02/2023 14:01

Yesthatismychildsigh · 26/02/2023 13:49

Such a fuss was made that the poor couple then felt obliged to issue more invitations. Now you’re making a fuss because they’ve not invited yet another child. No one is obliged to feel like your child is family. And I say that as the adoring grandparent of a much loved child we ‘acquired’ at 3. You seem determined to somehow punish this woman for not being his ex. The way you describe why you surmise he’s marrying her is very telling. Your behaviour here is terrible.

This. And no-one has the right to be invited to anyone’s wedding at all, whether they are related or not. There’s so much of this nonsense on MN. It’s entirely up to the couple who they invite to their day. The catty comment about why you think he’s marrying her suggests you just don’t like her. If there is tension between you it’s best you stay away.

B0g · 26/02/2023 14:08

did you want advice, or just a rant?
Your bloke can take his kids to his brothers wedding, and plan the clothing, timing etc himself, of course.
Him trying to get you to palm off your child on to her father so he can attend the wedding with who he considers his real family is repugnant.

drpet49 · 26/02/2023 14:09

FictionalCharacter · 26/02/2023 14:01

This. And no-one has the right to be invited to anyone’s wedding at all, whether they are related or not. There’s so much of this nonsense on MN. It’s entirely up to the couple who they invite to their day. The catty comment about why you think he’s marrying her suggests you just don’t like her. If there is tension between you it’s best you stay away.

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Callmyfluff · 26/02/2023 14:10

YABU for Kicking up a stink about kids being invited in the first place!!

Whydoitry · 26/02/2023 14:12

They obviously didn't really want any of your kids there. I think it's unfair of your dh and MIL to make a fuss. It's quite common in child free weddings to still have an exception for those in the bridal party.

I don't think it is reasonable not to invite all the children though either.

Personally I would go with my husband and none of the children.

Notonthestairs · 26/02/2023 14:12

The Op wasn't the one that kicked up a stink - that's on her MIL & DH.

I'd just let them all get on with it and take eldest out for the day.

tensmum1964 · 26/02/2023 14:12

Yesthatismychildsigh · 26/02/2023 13:49

Such a fuss was made that the poor couple then felt obliged to issue more invitations. Now you’re making a fuss because they’ve not invited yet another child. No one is obliged to feel like your child is family. And I say that as the adoring grandparent of a much loved child we ‘acquired’ at 3. You seem determined to somehow punish this woman for not being his ex. The way you describe why you surmise he’s marrying her is very telling. Your behaviour here is terrible.

Are you serious? You support the fact that this bloody awful woman has only invited two children from one family unit because the other isn't related by blood. That is cruel and disgusting behaviour and you should be ashamed of yourself for condoning it. Have you any idea of the emotional damage that this could do to this child. What an appalling attitude to have. OP, over my dead body would any of my children be going to that wedding regardless of my partners wishes. He needs to grow some balls and stand up for his family. Your poor eldest child.

SimplySipping · 26/02/2023 14:15

"DH spoke with BiL who absolutely won’t as bride."

This is not about the bride. DH asked one of the couple getting married, and he said no. End of.

I would decline I think and take DD away for the night. If your husband is adamant his children must be there then he can take them. You can only control what is in your power to control. Your husband cannot insist you pack your daughter off to her dad's or that you come to the wedding.

Couples are of course free to invite whomever they like, but the flipside is they should not take offence if the way they've picked and chosen means that not everyone feels they can attend.