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AIBU?

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Original poster

Eldest Child and In-Law Wedding

333 replies

StarbucksSally · 26/02/2023 13:31

Brother-in-law split up with a long-term Partner at the beginning of the pandemic because of his unwillingness to get married. I think he was shocked that she left.

He is now marrying someone else. She seems a lovely woman; but consensus is he is marrying her as he doesn’t want to lose her.

DH is best man but children were not invited. MiL went batshit and I was upset. I think DH had his ego bruised that the kids weren’t invited. I said nothing and while I was upset thought it was their wedding.

They had a site that they signed up to and the bios of the wedding party were on and lo and behold there were a flower girl and ring bearer.

DH and MiL spoke to BiL and he seemed scared to rock the boat but on Friday invitations arrived for our youngest children that I share with DH. My eldest who is 12 is not included. MiL is not willing to intervene and DH spoke with BiL who absolutely won’t as bride.

DH has asked me to ask their dad to have her.

I am going to decline wedding. DH refuses point blank to let me decline for all the children. He wants his children there and thinks we will look stupid anyway if we now decline their invitations after all the fuss.

OP posts:
ItsShiela · 07/03/2023 19:25

StarbucksSally · 07/03/2023 13:50

Yesterday the bride texted me. She had been speaking to our mutual MiL. She said that she was sorry that their wedding was causing us a logistical nightmare… her words!
She was sorry that I wasn’t able to get childcare for the weekend and therefore couldn’t come.
She said BiL was very upset that I couldn’t join the rest of the family.
She talked about how happy she was that she was marrying someone with a close extended family but because of how close they were to cousins etc the inclusion of my eldest (she didn’t use her name) would mean they would have to invite 8 other children who were related. This has been explained apparently to both my husband and MiL.

I have no intention of replying. I was stunned.

They have invited the cousin’s son to be an usher as he is a Godchild. The Godchild’s 7 year old sister is staying home with her dad who isn’t related.

My husband does not treat my daughter differently when under our roof but can’t see how he can make his family treat her like a grandchild or niece.

I can’t stop him from taking my younger two to their family’s wedding. I have to balance the potential harm to my eldest and the potential bitterness of my other two if I stopped them going. I don’t think that would engender good relationships with their older sister.

I am going out for the day with her and I am insisting that they stay with MiL so we don’t see them getting dressed. Ah well!

the potential bitterness of my other two if I stopped them going. I don’t think that would engender good relationships with their older sister.

You're not making any sense, and you are making excuses. Your other two are so young they have NO CONCEPT of a wedding, and won't know they didn't go or be even aware of it. Yet if the younger two go and your eldest doesn't, your eldest is the only one out of the three who will know, will care, and who WILL be bitter at your youngest two.

Your arguments are completely back to front and make absolutely no sense whatsoever as the two young kids are too young to even know or care. ONLY your oldest is old enough to know and to care. Your excuses make absolutely zero sense whatsoever.

billy1966 · 07/03/2023 19:27

Hayliebells · 07/03/2023 19:19

I would honestly just reply saying you're not going because DD hasn't been invited. Tell them it's not about childcare, because you haven't even attempted to organise childcare. Then ignore the fall out. Let DH deal with everything to do with his family in the future. They're a bunch of arseholes.

I agree with this.

What a shower.

That poor child surrounded by people like this.

ItsShiela · 07/03/2023 19:30

StarbucksSally · 07/03/2023 14:38

i can’t deprive my younger children of their family.

Keeping 2 young kids away from a wedding that they neither know about even exists, or understand, is not "depriving them of their family". Not attending some wedding they neither know about nor understand nor give a stuff about is not depriving them. What you're saying makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, it's like you're flailing about and saying anything that comes into your head, to justify your inaction and your allowing your eldest to be excluded. That you are this desperate to throw your eldest under the bus and not stand up to your husband is heartbreaking and sad.

ItsShiela · 07/03/2023 19:32

StarbucksSally · 07/03/2023 14:45

I think he does see why it’s upsetting.

If he truly saw why it's upsetting, he wouldn't be taking 2 babies that are far too young to understand, and couldn't give a stuff about going. You have some prize of a man there (not).

ItsShiela · 07/03/2023 19:36

StarbucksSally · 07/03/2023 15:47

I am staying with my eldest child do she can’t hold anything against me if she arrives at the conclusion that her siblings’ uncle’s wedding is important.

The strong relationship between my children is important to me but I think keeping the younger two away from their family because eldest isn’t treated the same would actually damage their relationship. They know that they are technically half but we don’t mention it.
Up until this wedding eldest has always been included in DH’s family stuff.

I am staying with my eldest child do she can’t hold anything against me if she arrives at the conclusion that her siblings’ uncle’s wedding is important.

You don't get it. She WILL hold it against you that you allowed this to happen and didn't stop the younger two going. Your eldest will resent you, and will resent your siblings. Everything you can do wrong, you are choosing to do wrong. You are making the active decision that your eldest will hate her siblings and possibly hurt them, because of your actions. Your actions, will make your eldest hate and resent you, and hate and resent her younger siblings. You are actively choosing to destroy your relationship with your eldest, and you are actively choosing to ensure your eldest's relationship with her half-siblings is irrevocably broken.

ItsShiela · 07/03/2023 19:37

Up until this wedding eldest has always been included in DH’s family stuff.

That is absolutely the complete opposite of what you said earlier....

MavisMcMinty · 07/03/2023 19:44

I hope to goodness everyone on this thread, including @StarbucksSally and her family, take it seriously next time you’re invited to a child-free wedding. Either book a babysitter or regretfully decline the invite. What a bloody palaver.

DiddlySquat52 · 07/03/2023 19:54

I think that you're doing the right thing by not going. If my daughter isn't family then I would take that as being I wasn't either so wouldn't want to go on that basis. Their wedding, their choice but I'd be entitled to make my own choices too. You've made the right call.

I don't think that I'd be able to get over something like this and so I would never see the BIL/SIL as my family. I would be leaving it up to DH to sort out all hosting, birthday, Xmas pressies, visits going forward. I'd be polite to them as DH's family but I would not be going out of my way to specifically do anything for them.

They've made it clear that your child isn't part of the inner circle so I would also be taking myself out of it too. Their children would mean nothing to me in the same way that yours means nothing to them.

2chocolateoranges · 07/03/2023 19:55

So they would have to invite cousins children because they are inviting their niece? Total madness

either all children go or none go, I’d be explaining to the younger ones ( who probably don’t give a flying fuck about a wedding) that their big sister was left out therefore none of the children are going, end of.

disgusted at how you are just letting this go!

AdviceOnLife · 07/03/2023 22:34

StarbucksSally · 07/03/2023 15:47

I am staying with my eldest child do she can’t hold anything against me if she arrives at the conclusion that her siblings’ uncle’s wedding is important.

The strong relationship between my children is important to me but I think keeping the younger two away from their family because eldest isn’t treated the same would actually damage their relationship. They know that they are technically half but we don’t mention it.
Up until this wedding eldest has always been included in DH’s family stuff.

You don't seem to get it though. Resentment works two ways!
Your oldest will resent her two siblings who are the 'real family' and she who is not is on the outside.
You should be teaching the siblings how to be a strong unit together. All or nothing. The three musketeers. You should be building their relationship up with each other and not allowing others to tear them apart- which is exactly what you are allowing them to do!
You daughter deserves so much more than the support you are giving her bless.

mlh123 · 07/03/2023 23:07

You're failing your eldest child by allowing you in-laws (and husband) to play favourites between the children. You're also delusional if you think the eldest won't see it.

SeulementUneFois · 08/03/2023 21:56

"By DH and your joint DC going to the wedding, the message you're sending your DD is that your DH is more of a family with his brother than he is with her"

I know it's harsh to say it, but I'm afraid that the above is a fact - your DH is more family with his own brother, than with your daughter. That's a reality that a blended family can't change.

Mari9999 · 08/03/2023 23:15

@SeulementUneFois
That is not some subtle message that the OP's husband is sending that is an actual biological fact.

For all of the endless discussion that had taken place on this subject , there are 2 very obvious truths regarding this issue:

  1. None of these people should have questioned or intruded on the plans of the bride and groom to have the wedding of their choice.

2.Probably none of the children in question likely had any interest in or desire to attend this or any wedding.

This whole tasteless situation has resulted from unnecessary intrusion and weird senses of entitlement. The only people who should have any say as to who is invited to a wedding are the bride and groom and possibly any other adults who are paying for or contributing to the cost of the wedding.

Neither the OP's husband, the Mil or the OP had any standing to make such a request , and the bride and groom were foolish to attempt to accommodate " in any fashion " such an intrusive request.

Given that the bride and groom did not want any children ,with the exception of those in the wedding party, the polite thing would be for the OP and her husband to find a sitter for all of their children and to apologize profusely to the happy couple for the ensuing and totally unnecessary drama.

Clearly the bride and groom were not tryi ng to make any distinctions among the OP's children as originally they did not invite any of the children. It was only when the busybody family members intruded with their inappropriate requests that the problems began.

Genevieva · 08/03/2023 23:24

I never understand people like your BiL. They are causing all sorts of family upset. And for what? Maybe A £50 saving. People should choose a venue that takes the number of guests they need to invite for a price they can afford. And 'need' includes everyone within the family whose invitation is necessary for family harmony.

ItsShiela · 08/03/2023 23:40

Mari9999 · 08/03/2023 23:15

@SeulementUneFois
That is not some subtle message that the OP's husband is sending that is an actual biological fact.

For all of the endless discussion that had taken place on this subject , there are 2 very obvious truths regarding this issue:

  1. None of these people should have questioned or intruded on the plans of the bride and groom to have the wedding of their choice.

2.Probably none of the children in question likely had any interest in or desire to attend this or any wedding.

This whole tasteless situation has resulted from unnecessary intrusion and weird senses of entitlement. The only people who should have any say as to who is invited to a wedding are the bride and groom and possibly any other adults who are paying for or contributing to the cost of the wedding.

Neither the OP's husband, the Mil or the OP had any standing to make such a request , and the bride and groom were foolish to attempt to accommodate " in any fashion " such an intrusive request.

Given that the bride and groom did not want any children ,with the exception of those in the wedding party, the polite thing would be for the OP and her husband to find a sitter for all of their children and to apologize profusely to the happy couple for the ensuing and totally unnecessary drama.

Clearly the bride and groom were not tryi ng to make any distinctions among the OP's children as originally they did not invite any of the children. It was only when the busybody family members intruded with their inappropriate requests that the problems began.

Probably none of the children in question likely had any interest in or desire to attend this or any wedding.

Exactly. No child wants to attend a wedding, they'd rather take a maths test. It's only the silly little mums who need to be joined to the hip with their offspring 24/7 to make some sort of a 'point' that feel the need to drag children to weddings. Weddings aren't for children and anyone who understands children, knows this. People feeling the need to make some sort of a point by getting their children invited to something no child really wants to attend, causes so many problems. Why can't these strange parents just stop trying to get their kids invited everywhere?

ItsShiela · 08/03/2023 23:43

Genevieva · 08/03/2023 23:24

I never understand people like your BiL. They are causing all sorts of family upset. And for what? Maybe A £50 saving. People should choose a venue that takes the number of guests they need to invite for a price they can afford. And 'need' includes everyone within the family whose invitation is necessary for family harmony.

It's the OP's husband and MIL that caused this upset. And it's about children being disruptive. You really don't get it. It's not just about the financial saving. It's about an adult function without children there. If these really strange people who need to make their kids into some sort of fashion statement just accepted their children, as children, aren't accepted at 100% of places in this world, everything would be better off.

Mari9999 · 08/03/2023 23:47

@Genevieva
A wedding is not an event held as a family event. It is a ceremony to unite 2 lives with each other it is a serious and solemn event ; it is not a family party . it is not the obligation of the bride and groom to hold a party for their family. If the couple wants a wedding without children, that is their right and should be respected.

My guess would be that many of the complaining relatives may simply not have wanted to incur the cost of child care for the time that they were attending the party. If it would have cost only nominal amount to include children, it just as likely would not have been a significant cost for the parents to pay for a sitter.

No child is sitting home just beside themselves with a desire to attend anyone's wedding, and often times young children become bored ,fidgety , noisy and disruptive.

bridgetreilly · 08/03/2023 23:50

Just take them all.

aSofaNearYou · 09/03/2023 08:39

*You're not making any sense, and you are making excuses. Your other two are so young they have NO CONCEPT of a wedding, and won't know they didn't go or be even aware of it. Yet if the younger two go and your eldest doesn't, your eldest is the only one out of the three who will know, will care, and who WILL be bitter at your youngest two.

Your arguments are completely back to front and make absolutely no sense whatsoever as the two young kids are too young to even know or care. ONLY your oldest is old enough to know and to care. Your excuses make absolutely zero sense whatsoever.*

As much as I agree with your argument that they should have just accepted the kids not being invited in the first place, or declined without mentioning to any of the kids when it was clear only two were invited - I don't think the above is necessarily true. The younger two may have been told about the wedding by now, and might well be excited about it.

I don't agree that no kids would want to go to a wedding - I was very excited about them as a child. It came across like a big family party, I got to wear a fancy dress, there was a disco etc. It IS entirely possible that if the younger two children are aware they are supposed to be going to this wedding, and find out the only reason they can't go is because of their sister, they might resent her. Obviously the same is true in reverse, too. The whole situation is a mess caused by the adults involved not just accepting none of the kids going in the first place.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 09/03/2023 09:36

bridgetreilly · 08/03/2023 23:50

Just take them all.

The answer was to respect what the bride and groom wanted, and not take any of them.

FeebasAquarium · 09/03/2023 10:14

Oh it’s not childcare I’m not coming because you excluded our eldest and I’m offended.

Honestly this is so rude of them, your family unit has five people in it the end.
A blanket ban on children is fine but specifically leaving out one child is awful. This reminds me of the people who leave out partners where they’ve been together years and have children and a mortgage because they’re not married.

They don’t respect your family and they don’t see you as family as if they did your daughter would be family too.

londonrach · 09/03/2023 10:18

Yabvvvvvvu and vvvvv rude to demand invites for the children. It's not your wedding bride and groom pay for it and choose who to invite. You should just have accepted the invitation when it was just for you two. You made the water very muddy.

ImAvingOops · 09/03/2023 10:34

The OP didn't do any demanding though, so unfair to blame her for that particular part of this whole shit show. The demanding was done by her fuckwitted and over entitled husband and mil!

SchoolTripDrama · 09/03/2023 12:41

@StarbucksSally Please try to remember that you too have a say in what your youngest takes part in. It's not just up to your DH!! I think it's incredibly cruel to your eldest and would be something I could never forgive you for, if you allowed the other kids to take part when your eldest couldn't. How awful. It's creating a divide that wasn't already there. Wow

SchoolTripDrama · 09/03/2023 12:42

I have a strong suspicion that this will become something which your eldest never forgives