Eldest Child and In-Law Wedding

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Brother-in-law split up with a long-term Partner at the beginning of the pandemic because of his unwillingness to get married. I think he was shocked that she left.

He is now marrying someone else. She seems a lovely woman; but consensus is he is marrying her as he doesn’t want to lose her.

DH is best man but children were not invited. MiL went batshit and I was upset. I think DH had his ego bruised that the kids weren’t invited. I said nothing and while I was upset thought it was their wedding.

They had a site that they signed up to and the bios of the wedding party were on and lo and behold there were a flower girl and ring bearer.

DH and MiL spoke to BiL and he seemed scared to rock the boat but on Friday invitations arrived for our youngest children that I share with DH. My eldest who is 12 is not included. MiL is not willing to intervene and DH spoke with BiL who absolutely won’t as bride.

DH has asked me to ask their dad to have her.

I am going to decline wedding. DH refuses point blank to let me decline for all the children. He wants his children there and thinks we will look stupid anyway if we now decline their invitations after all the fuss.

MiL went batshit and I was upset. I think DH had his ego bruised that the kids weren’t invited. I said nothing and while I was upset thought it was their wedding.
They can invite whomever they like but you don't have to accept the invite, It was MIL and DH who made the fuss about it and are now OK with just his children being invited and your DC being excluded and you are expected to comply? That is not OK.

Expecting 4 people out of a 5 person family to go leaving a child behind, with the only reason being that they are not a blood relative is gross. Being packed off to their Dad is also horrible. It's not like they won't know, or won't see their siblings getting outfits, etc in the run up. They will KNOW.

It's a really rotten petty thing to do and it feels like you are bearing the brunt of DH and MIL's interference in the wedding invitations.
It's not like your Eldest is a toddler, they are of an age where they are perfectly capable of behaving and not causing disruptions.

What way to really demonstrate that you and your eldest are not really part of their family. If it was me I'd reject this "offer" and stay with eldest so that they feel supported and not excluded. I wouldn't be doing any wife work for the wedding either. As PP said, I'd be booking a weekend away with the excluded DD.
But ultimately, I'd hate to have been put in this position by DH's family because its probably not something you'd choose. I don't think DH should be pressurising you to leave your DD and go to the wedding with the others either.
I hope you find a solution that protects your eldest OP.

Agree. No idea what the groom's previous relationship has to do with xny of this...or the bridal party really. I can understand your OH being annoyed. You've pushed for extra invites and now you're saying you dint even know if your going. It's not unusual at all to not invite everyone's kids now, even a brother.

Does your 12 year old actually want to go to some sort of uncle’s wedding?

Your post comes across very much like you are condoning the behaviour of the bride and groom. You refer to her as "this poor woman" and criticise the OP. She is not to be sympathised with, regardless of the fact that she didn't originally invite any of their children the fact that she then goes on to invite two and exclude one is reprehensible behaviour. Also i agree, she wasn't obliged to invite anyone however just because we are not obliged to do things it doesn't mean that what we do choose to do isn't cruel and heartless. This woman clearly is and so is her future husband.

This would never fly with my DH. No way would he allow a (hypothetical) half sibling of his children to be excluded in these circumstances. He would still attend but would decline on behalf of myself and all the children. It's shocking that your DH would risk the hurt that this exclusion could cause DC12. Not only does their step-uncle not want them, but now their step dad won't show any loyalty either. Doesn't he care about the message this sends DC?

I don't think it's unreasonable to express to your sibling that you find it hurtful they have chosen to exclude your children from a wedding that other children will be attending so I don't agree that it was wrong for the issue to have been raised with BIL initially, although obviously it depends how it was raised. I certainly don't get all the "poor couple being asked to include nieces/nephews" stuff. If it was a child free wedding then sure, but it's not. They made a decision that clearly signalled your children aren't important to them and they need to accept that whilst this is their day and their decision blah blah blah it's extremely hurtful to close relatives and will likely have a lasting impact on family relationships.

Not inviting the step child/ half sibling is cruel and unacceptable. I hope you’ve managed to deal with it in a way that means they never know they weren’t invited.

You were pissed off that your children weren't invited because other children ARE invited

You kicked off and got SOME of your children invited, but not all of your children

Now you're kicking off AGAIN and making threats

I'm really not sure why you think you're in charge of this wedding

Wind your fucking neck in and grow up

Well OP clearly doesn't like her because she's not the original hoped for SIL. For all we know it could be that bride said we don't have room for 3 kids and groom said, we only need 2.

Your sister-in-law to be has sent a message out to her fiance's family with these invitations;

I don't see the children that are not biologically related to your DH/my fiance as family.

Your MIL's response speaks volumes, she values all her grandchildren and knows how this could effect them (none invited/only biological children invited) what with family photographs of the wedding being on show that highlight it's not no kids allowed but just - no specific kids.

Your DH could back your MIL up/show a United front that regardless of what your future sister-in-law wants, children are family and they will be treated as such. How he does this is up to him.

If I were you, I'd book a great children's activity (show, day trip) and take all my children and even let my MIL know she's welcome but understand if she doesn't want to go and just celebrate a great family day without all the dramas.

Leaving out one child in a family unit is disgraceful. It your husband can't see that then he is equally as disgusting.
I would be speaking to your husband to let him see how this looks and if he's still unwilling to speak to his brother about it then I'd be declining the invite and writing a card to bil wishing him the best for his day but that unfortunately you can't attend. Children aren't pawns to be passed around.

She didn't. The groom's mother and brother are the one's that "caused an issue".

It's a DD, but I'd assume DH won't be up for that because it'll leave him having to be best man and look after the younger ones. Hence the request to OP to ask DDs dad.

I totally agree with @NumberTheory

Absolutely agree that it was wrong for anyone to push for children to be invited to a child free wedding.

Although given that MIL initially "went batshit" that children weren't invited and is now "staying out of it" my money is on her pushing just for x and y her biological grandchildren as its only 2, they're only young. I wouldnt be so fast to blame future SIL and would wonder DH's part in it all.

For now though I'd talk the high road. Politely decline for yourself, wish them all the best and take you and DD off for the weekend.

As well as wondering if the 12 year old wants to even go if you share custody with their father does the wedding fall on his weekend? If it is should you consider that he might have plans with his child.

Leaving one person out is cruel. Leaving a 12 year old out is unforgivable.

You didn't push for this. Reading comprehension skills of some MN readers a bit lacking here.

I agree with pp. Take 12 year old away for the weekend. Book it now so that there can be no back tracking when DH realised he will have 2 kids to look after on his own when he wants to have a drink.

No way would I attend after they had treated my daughter like this.

Who cares what the DH wants in this scenario? 😐

I would LOVE this opportunity

miss out on the wedding of someone who is a twat

and get a blissful weekend alone with my child

and I reckon that she will be over the moon to actually get some alone time with her mum
No brainer to me

You are extremely rude and entitled…

I'm with the OP here.

She didn't actually make a fuss about the kids not being invited, so I don't know why people keep saying that she did. It was her DH and MIL who raised it, OP states very clearly that she didn't say anything.

Personally, I hate weddings that exclude the children of close family members, I think it says a lot about the values of the couple getting married. But fair enough, it's their wedding and each to their own. If they don't want the kids to be there, they don't have to invite them.

However, excluding one child from a family because they happen not to be a blood relative is disgusting in my view, and I would be very upset in that situation if my DH couldn't see it.

Ideally, I would decline on behalf of all of the children and just go to the wedding with DH. If DH insists that "his" children must attend, then I would decline to go myself and do something different with the eldest child.

What is most troubling in this situation is that your DH clearly doesn't see your eldest child as an integral part of your family, and your in-laws don't see it that way either. In your shoes, I would be wanting to think through the wider impact of that perception and how it might impact on my child's wellbeing and sense of belonging.

I feel the same. It would affect how I viewed this family forever.

Haha.

Honestly though, that's why I'd be annoyed here. Because between DH, MIL and the couple, this has ended up as a scenario where it's expected that all members of the household but one will be there.

That's so shit! My cousin had a different dad to my uncle, my grandparents used to buy the blood children Christmas presents and just give her a coin, she always felt left out, so sad that people can't see how bad it is segregating children like that just because they have a different dad or mum

YANBU and to be honest I am surprised with a lot of the comments on here. To leave 1 child out of a family of 5 is very spiteful. If it was me I would not go. There are no excuses for leaving a child out, they could of stood their ground and say none of them are invited. Your DH and MIL sound ghastly.

So the Op needs to woman up and advocate for her daughter and say “thanks but no thanks, as I’ll be having an indulgent weekend with my DD”

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