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AIBU?

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Original poster

Eldest Child and In-Law Wedding

333 replies

StarbucksSally · 26/02/2023 13:31

Brother-in-law split up with a long-term Partner at the beginning of the pandemic because of his unwillingness to get married. I think he was shocked that she left.

He is now marrying someone else. She seems a lovely woman; but consensus is he is marrying her as he doesn’t want to lose her.

DH is best man but children were not invited. MiL went batshit and I was upset. I think DH had his ego bruised that the kids weren’t invited. I said nothing and while I was upset thought it was their wedding.

They had a site that they signed up to and the bios of the wedding party were on and lo and behold there were a flower girl and ring bearer.

DH and MiL spoke to BiL and he seemed scared to rock the boat but on Friday invitations arrived for our youngest children that I share with DH. My eldest who is 12 is not included. MiL is not willing to intervene and DH spoke with BiL who absolutely won’t as bride.

DH has asked me to ask their dad to have her.

I am going to decline wedding. DH refuses point blank to let me decline for all the children. He wants his children there and thinks we will look stupid anyway if we now decline their invitations after all the fuss.

OP posts:
Beachbabe1 · 09/03/2023 12:47

Decline..all or none! My cousin invited me to their wedding and not my partner of 15 years or 2 children! I was completely shocked and declined!

America12 · 09/03/2023 13:18

Genevieva · 08/03/2023 23:24

I never understand people like your BiL. They are causing all sorts of family upset. And for what? Maybe A £50 saving. People should choose a venue that takes the number of guests they need to invite for a price they can afford. And 'need' includes everyone within the family whose invitation is necessary for family harmony.

It might not be a money issue. They don't want children at the wedding. Some people don't , their decision.

America12 · 09/03/2023 13:21

@StarbucksSally there's no way I wouldn't reply to the text.
I understand people don't want children at weddings that's fine.
I would have to say 'it's not because of childcare I'm not coming '

Sarain · 09/03/2023 15:20

The 13 year old ushers sibling also isn't included. Honestly I think it's fine. It will only be as dramatic and hurtful to the eldest daughter as the adults make it. Crying your eyes out over a photo seems really extreme. The grandmother hadn't even known your child from birth and if you divorced your DH they would have been left with a random child they'd never see again in the photo!

This is their wedding. And the drama surrounding it is probably souring it for the bride who has made a choice that hurt you. But that's not an excuse to continue making a massive deal out of the whole thing. Not responding to the text is rude. Wish them well and be done. Take your kid out and explain how lucky you both are to not be at a boring wedding. You cannot dictate how other people view your family and how 'related' they feel to your eldest. Children cue off of adult reactions to things like this. None of it is inherently traumatic in any way.

I was a stepkid who didn't go to some weddings because they weren't my 'family'. It truly mattered not one jot. People pretending they simply KNOW how the eldest will feel are properly mad!

Mari9999 · 09/03/2023 17:31

@SchoolTripDrama

With luck this is an event that none of these children will remember or care about. Without being told the specifics by the OP or her husband, these children will never need to be privy to this nonsense.

There are no life altering events being played out here. The OP did indicate in her initial post that she was upset that her children were not invited. The MIl and OP's husband took it further. Never did OP say that the children were upset about not being invited. In all likelihood if they thought about, they thought that it was an adult only event.

dittbtdity · 28/04/2023 21:39

Well, this is one major cluster fuck.

When's the wedding?

Nanny0gg · 28/04/2023 21:49

Mari9999 · 08/03/2023 23:15

@SeulementUneFois
That is not some subtle message that the OP's husband is sending that is an actual biological fact.

For all of the endless discussion that had taken place on this subject , there are 2 very obvious truths regarding this issue:

  1. None of these people should have questioned or intruded on the plans of the bride and groom to have the wedding of their choice.

2.Probably none of the children in question likely had any interest in or desire to attend this or any wedding.

This whole tasteless situation has resulted from unnecessary intrusion and weird senses of entitlement. The only people who should have any say as to who is invited to a wedding are the bride and groom and possibly any other adults who are paying for or contributing to the cost of the wedding.

Neither the OP's husband, the Mil or the OP had any standing to make such a request , and the bride and groom were foolish to attempt to accommodate " in any fashion " such an intrusive request.

Given that the bride and groom did not want any children ,with the exception of those in the wedding party, the polite thing would be for the OP and her husband to find a sitter for all of their children and to apologize profusely to the happy couple for the ensuing and totally unnecessary drama.

Clearly the bride and groom were not tryi ng to make any distinctions among the OP's children as originally they did not invite any of the children. It was only when the busybody family members intruded with their inappropriate requests that the problems began.

It wasn't the OP that wanted children invited. It was her DH and his mother!

OneLittleFinger · 28/04/2023 22:07

How close is BIL to his cousins? I don't mean biologically, but emotionally. More than once you've said he doesn't see your eldest as family whereas he does see his cousins as family, but if he spends a lot of time with them but not much with your eldest then that's understandable.

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