Eldest Child and In-Law Wedding

[StarbucksSally]

Brother-in-law split up with a long-term Partner at the beginning of the pandemic because of his unwillingness to get married. I think he was shocked that she left.

He is now marrying someone else. She seems a lovely woman; but consensus is he is marrying her as he doesn’t want to lose her.

DH is best man but children were not invited. MiL went batshit and I was upset. I think DH had his ego bruised that the kids weren’t invited. I said nothing and while I was upset thought it was their wedding.

They had a site that they signed up to and the bios of the wedding party were on and lo and behold there were a flower girl and ring bearer.

DH and MiL spoke to BiL and he seemed scared to rock the boat but on Friday invitations arrived for our youngest children that I share with DH. My eldest who is 12 is not included. MiL is not willing to intervene and DH spoke with BiL who absolutely won’t as bride.

DH has asked me to ask their dad to have her.

I am going to decline wedding. DH refuses point blank to let me decline for all the children. He wants his children there and thinks we will look stupid anyway if we now decline their invitations after all the fuss.

Leave all the children at home or don’t take any. Your poor daughter will feel awful if she knows she wasn’t invited and isn’t viewed as family. No way would I allow my child to be the unwanted step child.

That didn’t make sense
All the children or non of the children is what I meant.

Excluding the children of the best man and brother of the groom was a pretty low class move if the wedding wasn't strictly child free.
Then to invite 2/3 siblings just secures their tickets to Twatville.
I can see why people don't necessarily invite their second cousins step kids who they've never met or invite the kids of their work colleagues etc but this is too close to home for that to wash.
Why anyone would want to kick off their married life by flicking two fingers at their own family is beyond me.

Get a grip, OP is not rude or entitled. This is her child. What a stupid comment.

This, your DH and MIL are also being quite vile in regards to your eldest imo.
I wouldn't do a thing to help your DH if he insists his children go, he can sort the lot of them out alone.

I think the answer to this depends on how your eldest child feels. If they have a strong relationship with their own dad and are with him half the time, and see your husbands family as a bit unconnected to them (as in 'my mums husbands brother' rather than 'just like my uncle' and they are not bothered about missing a wedding, then no harm done. If they really see your husbands side of the family as family and theyd be devastated about being the only one left out, then I think you need to stay away with them.

I sometimes think I'm reading a different post to everybody else…

The OP didn't kick off about a childfree wedding: she was upset that her children weren't invited, but accepted it was the bride and groom's decision.

OP's DH and MIL complained when they found out that two other children were invited – I'm presuming bride's niece and nephew – and asked for OP's DC to be included.

BIL then invited the two DC OP shares with her DH, and left out her elder child from a previous relationship. And that's what she's upset about.

YANBU.

Have you actually read the thread? Vast majority agreeing with you?

Exactly why should any of your children be invited to the wedding? What is a specific need or reason for any of them to be present at this event?

What exactly would you permit your soon to be SIL to come into your home and tell you how you should structure an event that you are hosting? You would probably think that she is completely out of line.

There is no entitlement to attend any wedding particularly one for which you are not either the bride or groom and not paying in any way for the wedding.

Your husband crossed a line when he lobbied for an invitation for the children. Did he by any chance offer to pay for the children's inclusion to the guest list?

It is unlikely that 3 children 12 and under had any pressing desire to attend this event?

You ,your husband, and MIL crossed a line with this request. At this point, I doubt that any of you will be missed if you do not attend.

@Mari9999 except that's not what happened!

Jeez, can't people read?

There is no entitlement to attend any wedding particularly one for which you are not either the bride or groom.

Wut!

This. And also the poster who said 12 year old would probably much prefer to have a nice day out on their own with mum for once than a boring wedding. Sounds like an idea win win for you op.

It was mil and dh who fought for the extra wedding invites because they were offended he didn't invite his full family but are now not bothered enough to insist your eldest dc is invited too so they can reap what they sow in looking after the younger 2 while you have a nice day out/relaxing day in, whatever you and 12 y/o would prefer. But absolutely grey rock any sort of "what should the kids wear" "will you help get them ready" with "no idea, you and mil wanted them to attend the wedding you can sort it."

Of course there is no entitlement for anyone to be able to attend any wedding, but that's not the point here.

We could debate about whether it was appropriate for the OP's DH and MIL - not the OP - to lobby for an invitation for the children, but that isn't the point here either.

The point is that the younger children are now invited, regardless of how that came about, and the older stepchild alone has been excluded. Excluding one child while extending an invitation to everyone else in the family unit is a pretty shitty thing to do. I'm amazed that others can't see this!

Apparently they can't.

YABVU to push for your kids to attend. They weren’t wanted there, for whatever reason, and it’s their wedding so their choice.

FFS, why not just read the OP's post. She didn't push for her kids to attend. She was upset that they weren't included but she accepted that it was their wedding and therefore their choice. She said nothing.

Her DH and MIL did push, but the OP was not responsible for this.

Her issue was not that her children weren't invited, but rather that they have now chosen to exclude one child.

It would be all or none for me. Obviously your husband can decide to take your shared DC anyway… but that little regard for my oldest child would be enough for me to reconsider the relationship.

She clearly stated its a girl!

FFS OP did nothing of the sort. Try reading her first post again, as you've clearly not RTFT, like too many other PP's with comprehension issues here.

There is no entitlement to attend any wedding particularly one for which you are not either the bride or groom.

Works the other way, too. There's no obligation for those invited to attend, particularly when it's going to cause family issues or inconvenience for them. But it's amazing how much angst is caused when this happens. IME it's often expected that invitations are issued on B&G's own terms, but there's less of an expectation that guests will likewise accept or decline on their own terms, too.

The real issue is the singling out of one child. This would be a 'scales falling from the eyes' moment for me; an indication of how my DH really feels about my child. The outcome of that realization isn't for me to determine, but in this position I don't know whether I could feel the same about him again.

OP: If he's insistent that the other children attend and leave out your eldest, I'd ensure I took her on a lovely trip or city break involving an overnight stay. No doubt, at some point, DH will want the other kids taking off his hands so he can let his hair down and enjoy the evening reception. Let him be the one to sort that out.

DH can be Best Man and take care of his kids then that'll be fun for him

You and your son can have a day away somewhere doing something together - which will be blissful for both of you.

Have a lovely day.

IME it's often expected that invitations are issued on B&G's own terms, but there's less of an expectation that guests will likewise accept or decline on their own terms, too.

Exactly. Invite who you like, but don't get arsey if some people choose not to attend, based on the decisions that you've made.

Sorry.
You and your DD have a lovely day away from the Best Man 😂 and his kids

Think of it as a mini-mini break.

Double this.

Thank you for your responses. Somebody asked me why I had posted. Was it for advice or a rant? I don’t actually know the answer.

My husband is very good to my eldest who sees her father rarely. His family treats her very kindly but not equally to her half-siblings (I choke on those words).

His parents (his dad has since died) and brother questioned him why he was involved with somebody with a child but I wasn’t particularly insulted by that. The parents were pointing out the potential pitfalls but the BiL told him to run. At our wedding he did toast my child though.

When the grandma was still alive at her last birthday MiL and her sister had photos with her kids and then grandchildren, my daughter ran up with her brother but was politely distracted by MiL and asked to get out of photo. My DH didn’t really have an issue with this but I cried.

Someone suggested that MiL deliberately engineered it so only biological kids were included in wedding. She has texted me to say that she is annoyed with BiL and she meant all kids including my eldest and great-nieces. BiL said it wouldn’t be fair if my eldest was there but his cousins’ kids weren’t.

DH and I have been rowing and I am very emotional. He asked whether I had any grounds for complaint against him re: eldest and honestly I haven’t. He treats her the same as the others but doesn’t see how he can force the wider family to do the same. He won’t punish the younger two because eldest isn’t invited.

Eldest’s dad works in Ireland but sees her for short time when in England. DH thinks I would feel differently if she saw him regularly but I don’t think I would.

MiL will have no problem looking after younger two at wedding with her sister nieces none of whom drink alcohol apart from a glass of champagne.

DH had no problem dressing and choosing suit for son, he has mini me suits for him already. I will step in and make sure younger daughter is presented well myself. I wouldn’t leave her to look bad.

Eldest does know about the drama re: kids at wedding but not about her specific exclusion. She loves DH but I don’t know
what her attitude is to his wider family.

Thank you.