Eldest Child and In-Law Wedding

[StarbucksSally]

Brother-in-law split up with a long-term Partner at the beginning of the pandemic because of his unwillingness to get married. I think he was shocked that she left.

He is now marrying someone else. She seems a lovely woman; but consensus is he is marrying her as he doesn’t want to lose her.

DH is best man but children were not invited. MiL went batshit and I was upset. I think DH had his ego bruised that the kids weren’t invited. I said nothing and while I was upset thought it was their wedding.

They had a site that they signed up to and the bios of the wedding party were on and lo and behold there were a flower girl and ring bearer.

DH and MiL spoke to BiL and he seemed scared to rock the boat but on Friday invitations arrived for our youngest children that I share with DH. My eldest who is 12 is not included. MiL is not willing to intervene and DH spoke with BiL who absolutely won’t as bride.

DH has asked me to ask their dad to have her.

I am going to decline wedding. DH refuses point blank to let me decline for all the children. He wants his children there and thinks we will look stupid anyway if we now decline their invitations after all the fuss.

MiL is not willing to intervene and DH spoke with BiL who absolutely won’t as bride.

So MIL does not see your dd12 as important enough to fight for and therefore not part of HER family.

DH has asked me to ask their dad to have her.

Your DH is not prepared to stand up for your dd12 against his family so she is not important enough to him.

I am going to decline wedding. DH refuses point blank to let me decline for all the children.

What happens if you point blank refuse to let him accept fore any of your children... stailmate! What's he going to do then?

Your DH is showing your dd12 that she is not important enough for him to upset things over. That's really poor showing for an involved step parent of a pre-teen. IF you let the other kids go and it is a joint decision not just his to take, then as other said I'd be doing nothing for it. And I'd be seriously considering the impacts of your marriage on your 12yr old if he goes ahead with it.

It's not his fault his family are excluding her - but it is his choice to go along with it.

Absolutely this. Sorry Op.

Another point I was picked up on was my mentioning BiL’s original partner. I liked her very much as well as I liked this one. I only mentioned her to give insight into BiL’s attitude to weddings etc. trying to explain the reasons he is marrying… because he loves her and doesn’t want to lose her.

My younger two are 7 and 5.

The bridal attendants are referred to on the site as niece and nephew but are in fact a cousin’s children.

I think I have answered all questions now.

DH and I have been rowing and I am very emotional. He asked whether I had any grounds for complaint against him re: eldest and honestly I haven’t. He treats her the same as the others but doesn’t see how he can force the wider family to do the same. He won’t punish the younger two because eldest isn’t invited.

But he is treating her differently from the others, isn't he? He kicked up a fuss when the younger children weren't invited but won't do the same for her?

It's no wonder that his family don't treat her the same as they treat the other kids. He has made it clear to them that he accepts and condones this attitude.

I'm so sorry, OP, this must be very upsetting for you.

The history of your BIL’s love life is irrelevant here. Not sure why you chose to include it

I think your DH should go with your children and you and your eldest should spend the day together.

Ot you. oils get his dad to have her and you could go and support your DH

OP I've had a re-think after your update and I apologise for not reading your OP properly.

I think your 'D'H is being absolutely abhorrent. When he married you, your daughter because HIS daughter. That he would advocate for 2 children and leave one out, sort of a 'Sophie's Choice' just shows what a complete fucking bastard he is. At 12, she will absolutely KNOW the wedding happened, when she wasn't there, and wasn't invited.

I'll be straight; I'd tell DH this is crunch time and your marriage is at stake here. Either he accepts none of your children will go (and I think now, this is the only way to handle it fairly going forward for this wedding, they won't take 3, it's wrong to leave one out, so NONE of the children will go), or if he persists, you will be looking at seeing a divorce lawyer. Make sure he knows you are not half joking. Tell him you either love me and our family enough to say we're a full package, or our marriage is on serious shaky ground and you personally don't feel your relationship will survive this. And he has a choice to make. You need to be serious in your voice and delivery.

Yes I agree… that was a bit odd

It really is shit Op - your DH does sound like a good man & he can't force his family to accept your DD (upsetting as that might be, she's not their blood relative).

However him insisting your younger DCs go without their older sibling is him passively accepting their attitude & that's what's out of order. He should be insisting your whole family unit is invited, or he & you go without any children. Allowing the DCs to be split in this way is wrong & as I said before, I'd struggle to get past this in my marriage.

I am sorry though as this is such a rotten situation for you to be in, however it turns out.

Also as their mother you must put your foot down and tell your husband while you are having your make-or-break marriage discussion, that you will not give permission for the 7 and 5 year old to go. And they are not going. And it's as simple as that. In fact, contact BIL yourself to decline their invites.

All DC go or none.

The examples you have given would have seen me walk away before now. Your DD will know she is excluded and will feel hurt, it would be a cold day in hell before I spoke to BIL and his F again.

Absolutely this.

I will not be ending my otherwise happy marriage over this.

My husband and my MiL asked for kids to be included. My husband meant eldest too and MiL meant eldest and her sister’s granddaughters.

Again I mentioned BiL’s background to explain his attitude to wedding. He doesn’t care for such things but was worried he would lose her. This is not a slight on her, quite the opposite as he doesn’t want to lose her.

Neither me or my kids would be going. How bloody cruel. And the fact you 'd' h is supporting this is vile. He and his family are doing a half arsed job at treating your dd just like the other dc to keep up aperances to you and her. But they don't see your dd just as family and that is so shit for your child.

If you let the youngest two go, how will you explain the change in no kids policy to the oldest whiles they are still not invited?

^This is the short answer.

Following on from your recent posts, OP, It's not adding vastly to the cost of the wedding to add a 12yo girl, is it? It's just being plain mean.

Decline the invitation and leave DH to it. He can sort out the card and gift too.

Agree with @TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu 100%

It seems like the brother and mother have a puritan attitude to step children and don't want an official record of them in the family albums.

I can see your DH would struggle to change that mindset and really they are treating him with contempt too.

You are obviously going to have your own feelings in response. I would find it hard to be fully involved with a family that have drawn a line across the middle of my life like that, placing me half out. I would put them all 100 percent outside the line going forward, where they belong.

Even if you don't intend to leave the marriage (and it might be happy but if my husband thought it ok for his own step daughter to be excluded, we would be OVER, I put my child first before a man or husband), I'd still give him to ultimatum so he'll back down. If it were me, I would never look at him the same again, and your daughter will eventually figure out you chose to keep your marriage to him rather than fight for her. She won't forgive you for that. Always choose your child over a man. Always.

OK, so you're not going to end your marriage on it. Fair enough, it isn't for strangers on the Internet to tell you what to do.

But in that case, what are you going to do to address the issue? You can't just sit back and let your DH treat your dc like she isn't really part of the family. Your dc deserves better than that.

This isn't just about extended family either. It's about your DH's perception of your dd's place in your family. That's pretty important.

There'd be no question for me. You have three children and their uncle/step-uncle is getting married. Either he invites all of them or none of them (I wouldn't personally mind if he decided no kids). You need to decline for the two invited.

Not inviting your eldest is cruel. Is it his way of punishing you for kicking up a fuss about none of the children being invited?

After reading your updated post, your MIL sounds horrible, ushering your DD from a family photo, that would have finished my relationship with her.

My husband supports us and has a good relationship with my eldest. I think if he declined he would have a difficult time going forward with his family and this would have no impact on my eldest.

I would always put my children first over any man and would leave in a heartbeat if there was any abuse even if the abuse didn’t involve the younger two.

There is no way on earth I am ending my marriage over a wedding invitation. How would I explain that to the younger two?

I would prefer that they didn’t go as it would make things easier for me re: eldest but I know he would just take them anyway. They are their family and they are loved. I think they would resent my eldest at the end of the day if I ended the marriage over this.

@StarbucksSally leaving if there is abuse is a low bar tbh. What about your husband letting your child be ushered out of a family photo? No big deal to him tells me that he either doesn't care or is too weak to stand up for his family.

I'm not sure I could accept that behaviour.

I agree with others that your husband and MIL should have accepted the child free wedding in the first place but now they've included the children then it really needs to be all of them or none of them.
Don't let one of your children be excluded.

That family sounds horrible. 😞

I seem to remember a post last year where a stepmum
fought to have her stepson attend her sister's wedding and was prepared not to attend. She obviously loved her stepson and saw them all as one family and was very hurt by it, whereas the op's dh seems to be more worried about upsetting his brother than his wife. How sad that this daughter is seen as second class by her step siblings family.

So how are you going to explain to your oldest children are now invited and your two siblings are going. But you are still not welcome and make that not be obvious.
Only your husband should be going.