Eldest Child and In-Law Wedding

[StarbucksSally]

Brother-in-law split up with a long-term Partner at the beginning of the pandemic because of his unwillingness to get married. I think he was shocked that she left.

He is now marrying someone else. She seems a lovely woman; but consensus is he is marrying her as he doesn’t want to lose her.

DH is best man but children were not invited. MiL went batshit and I was upset. I think DH had his ego bruised that the kids weren’t invited. I said nothing and while I was upset thought it was their wedding.

They had a site that they signed up to and the bios of the wedding party were on and lo and behold there were a flower girl and ring bearer.

DH and MiL spoke to BiL and he seemed scared to rock the boat but on Friday invitations arrived for our youngest children that I share with DH. My eldest who is 12 is not included. MiL is not willing to intervene and DH spoke with BiL who absolutely won’t as bride.

DH has asked me to ask their dad to have her.

I am going to decline wedding. DH refuses point blank to let me decline for all the children. He wants his children there and thinks we will look stupid anyway if we now decline their invitations after all the fuss.

Just let your DH sort it out, outfits and all. Book something lovely to do with your DD for the day so you're not available to hang about the wedding and bring the younger ones home when your DH gets sick of them.

Personally I think you've dodged a bullet - looking after young children at a wedding is a PITA and now that will fall to your DH and not you to do.

Why is it the bride being blamed for all this, surely bil is equally involved in invitations and responsibility?

He can take them and you can stay home with the eldest.

Your DH, MiL & BiL are all batshit.

Why are DH & MiL's egos bruised over somebody else's wedding?
You have larger problems then whether a wedding is childfree, which DC are being made exceptions to the rule by being asked to be flowergirls etc, if DH is refusing to even discuss a working compromise with you about the exclusion of your eldest.

Your best bet is probably to do just what you are doing - disengage completely, & take you & eldest out for a spree on the wedding day.

However ... the fact that DH is putting HIS DC above YOUR child by agitating for his own DC to be included, but expecting your 12-year old to be fine with being treated differently absolutely stinks. I'm not sure how I'd cope with that, it sound like the thin end of a deeply unpleasant wedge.

I don't see where it's all the bride's fault. The BIL presumably would have pushed for the children to be there if he'd wanted them there.

Is this the wedding or the reception? At the wedding I don't suppose anyone would notice the 12 year old being there and I would take them with the other children (sorry babysitter fell through if queried). If it's a seated catered reception don't take the children it's got to be all or none.

Bullshit.

You are 100% correct in that DH & MiL should not have made a fuss about the childfree aspect - they should have sucked it up.

But they DID make a fuss, & the response has been this nasty pass-agg, grudging inclusion of 2 out of 3 of OP's children.

That has revealed a revolting mindset in OP's DH.
He would rather play along with treating 1 kid differently than back down on whatever-the-fuck status game he is playing with this wedding.

I can't fathom why you are holding OP to account for her MiL's interference & herDH's poor choices.

No one is obliged to feel like your child is family.
Of course they fucking are. DS became family when OP & her DH married.
To treat him like a Cinderella is disgusting behaviour.
Not that he will much care - how many 12 year old boys want to go to a wedding?!
OP should plan a fab day out for just her & DS.
Also have a good long hard think about what this unsavoury episode has revealed about her DH, & whether she wants to tolerate his attitude in future.

@Sleepless1096 has it:

"Just let your DH sort it out, outfits and all. Book something lovely to do with your DD for the day so you're not available to hang about the wedding and bring the younger ones home when your DH gets sick of them.

Personally I think you've dodged a bullet - looking after young children at a wedding is a PITA and now that will fall to your DH and not you to do."

This.

Yes it shouldn’t have been mentioned, although that wasn’t op’s doing, but excluding one dc out of three is disgusting. I would be questioning my future with this man knowing his true feelings about my child.

I agree. I should have said these bloody awful people. Either way it's cruel behaviour.

At no point did I say I condone it. I couldn’t do it, and neither could my children. But nobody is obliged to do that. It’s bad enough the couple have been bullied into inviting the groom’s nephews/nieces. Crappy behaviour all round.

It's really not on to invite 2 of 3 siblings. I would decline and tell them why.

I would also have a close look at your marriage, do you really want to be with someone who is fine with excluding your eldest in this way? What on earth message is this sending her.

You are either a family of you aren't, you can't control extended family, but your husband should be supporting his DSD's place in the family.

I'd be devastated if dh's family treated my eldest like this.

And my marriage wouldn't survive if dh condoned it.

I understand not wanting friends to bring children to a wedding, but I will never really understand why somebody wouldn’t want their nieces and nephews there. Still it was their choice and I guess they are entitled to do that even if I don’t personally get it.

Not inviting one child in a family of five is awful though. OP, I don’t think you can stop your husband taking the other children but you can make a stand by not going yourself and doing something nice with the 12 year old instead.

Agreed, awful behaviour! You're doing the right thing declining

Devastated ?

That's a bit extreme for a wedding invite isn't it?

Dh can manage his dc alone. You and your 12 yo can have a great time together!
And I hope you don't do wife work on dh's behalf for his frankly awful family.

Nieces and nephews are children, and a childfree wedding means that. Childfree. And nieces and nephews are not immediately family (ie B&G's child) so of course wouldn't be invited, they're extended family. It was rude of them to say only your DH's children, but if you hadn't pushed and tried to get them to change their childfree wedding for you, then they wouldn't have been forced to choose only DH's children. You should have respected that childfree means absolutely that, and no exceptions. You had your wedding your way, why did you feel you had the right to interfere with their perfectly acceptable wedding plans? You're (you and the B&G) both in the wrong. Will people please just accept that childfree means that, absolutely no acceptions, with good grace, and either accept or decline.

*exceptions

I think it's up to them who they invite. It's also up to invitees if they accept. Your IH is best man. I'll assume its a given that he's invited. After a bit of a discussion the couple have (reluctantly?) invited your OHs children but not your eldest. Would eldest normally be with her dad anyway on the wedding day? If a family has come together when a child is quite old it's not so unusual to differentiate between bio and step children.
If you don't want to go now don't, but you don't get to say your OHs kids can't come. Of course it'll be hard for him if he's Best Man but maybe your M/FIL will help out. I think if you decline the invite then get one for your eldest you ought really go now you've made a fuss however it doesn't sound as if you actually support this marriage so unsure why you wanna go at all.

Decline and go away for the whole weekend with DC12. Don’t be around to get the children ready and help with transport.

Also don’t be around to look after the kids when DH has a hangover. Go away for the whole weekend with DC12.

@TolkiensFallow that is a really excellent piece of advice!

I think it’s pretty rude not to invite your best man and brother’s children when you have other children at the wedding. But it would have been best to suck it up or decide not to go rather than apply pressure via MiL to get invitations.

But to invite all of you except your DD is outright nasty.

I would take DD away for the weekend as another poster suggests. And I would be reluctant to spend any time with BiL and his wife that I didn’t need to, going forward. For me, this would cause a huge rift with BiL. And with MiL and DH to some extent since they seem reluctant to stand up for a 12 year old child.

She? Why not he? I'd say the groom has told bride the eldest isn't ctually his bio niece and ould they squeeze 2 more kids in. Surely they've made a joint decision.