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Original poster

Eldest Child and In-Law Wedding

333 replies

StarbucksSally · 26/02/2023 13:31

Brother-in-law split up with a long-term Partner at the beginning of the pandemic because of his unwillingness to get married. I think he was shocked that she left.

He is now marrying someone else. She seems a lovely woman; but consensus is he is marrying her as he doesn’t want to lose her.

DH is best man but children were not invited. MiL went batshit and I was upset. I think DH had his ego bruised that the kids weren’t invited. I said nothing and while I was upset thought it was their wedding.

They had a site that they signed up to and the bios of the wedding party were on and lo and behold there were a flower girl and ring bearer.

DH and MiL spoke to BiL and he seemed scared to rock the boat but on Friday invitations arrived for our youngest children that I share with DH. My eldest who is 12 is not included. MiL is not willing to intervene and DH spoke with BiL who absolutely won’t as bride.

DH has asked me to ask their dad to have her.

I am going to decline wedding. DH refuses point blank to let me decline for all the children. He wants his children there and thinks we will look stupid anyway if we now decline their invitations after all the fuss.

OP posts:
Anklespraying · 26/02/2023 17:36

I don't think it's a marriage ending thing, I'm finding it hard to see why people want the husband kicked out for his brothers GFs inconsiderate behaviour.

But I would be a lot cooler with the MIL and brother and new wife. Her (future) children won't be related to you other than by marriage to a member of your husband's family. If this bride and the MILs rules are blood relatives only, they wouldn't see much of me ever again. They have shown you their boundaries very clearly.

shopmyfeelings · 26/02/2023 17:37

Anklespraying · 26/02/2023 17:36

I don't think it's a marriage ending thing, I'm finding it hard to see why people want the husband kicked out for his brothers GFs inconsiderate behaviour.

But I would be a lot cooler with the MIL and brother and new wife. Her (future) children won't be related to you other than by marriage to a member of your husband's family. If this bride and the MILs rules are blood relatives only, they wouldn't see much of me ever again. They have shown you their boundaries very clearly.

It's him not taking a stand by insisting that 'his' children are still going. That's unforgivable.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 26/02/2023 17:37

StarbucksSally · 26/02/2023 17:29

My husband supports us and has a good relationship with my eldest. I think if he declined he would have a difficult time going forward with his family and this would have no impact on my eldest.

I would always put my children first over any man and would leave in a heartbeat if there was any abuse even if the abuse didn’t involve the younger two.

There is no way on earth I am ending my marriage over a wedding invitation. How would I explain that to the younger two?

I would prefer that they didn’t go as it would make things easier for me re: eldest but I know he would just take them anyway. They are their family and they are loved. I think they would resent my eldest at the end of the day if I ended the marriage over this.

So you're just going to accept it and let your younger dc go to the wedding while your older dc is shut out?

I get that you don't want to end your marriage over this. Fair enough. But I think you have perhaps become so used to your dd being treated as not fully belonging in your family that you are failing to see quite how bad this is. For example, you've said that your DH's family are kind to your dd but then you describe a situation in which your MIL very cruelly shooed your dd out of a family photo. And you say that your DH treats your dd the same as the others, and yet in this situation, that clearly hasn't been the case. It seems to me that you've probably normalised and accepted this kind of behaviour to an extent that you don't necessarily see how unreasonable it is any more.

I feel sorry for your dd who has no option but to live in a family in which she is treated as not quite belonging. That's very sad indeed.

Sceptre86 · 26/02/2023 17:39

They must have felt forced into a corner and are now being spiteful. I would allow your dh to take his biological children as they were invited. I would take your eldest out and enjoy the day one on one. I wouldn't have much to do with this couple going forward. Should they have kids, I'd let your dh sort out gifts, I wouldn't do anything for their birthdays or do anything more than being polite and civil when you meet.

CheersForThatEh · 26/02/2023 17:40

Unbelievable. I'd.be furious with DH that he actually thinks someone should tell 12yo they arent invited to a family wedding but their siblings are. Horrific.

Why not split the difference and ask DH which one of 'his' children stay home to be fair? No? But its ok for "your child"... Yoire either a family or not.

ItsShiela · 26/02/2023 17:41

This is sad. You and your daughter and your other DC are his family now. He needs to choose you over his other family. Each and every single time. That you are afraid of him having a difficult time with his other family is sad. That's not your problem. And if push comes to shove he needs to choose his family with you over them. When he married you, you and your 3 children became his one true family. I find it sad you are minimising his behaviour, because you are worried about fallout with his extended family. You're his family now. And your other 2 children wouldn't (or shouldn't) know the ins and outs of your marriage breakup. Children aren't aware of these details.

Do what you want at the end, but it's sad how much you are minimising this to suit others when you are his family now. PS He can't take the children if you stop him. Your posts are getting sadder and sadder how much you are putting up with. You honestly think your 12 year old doesn't know how rejected she is? It's all so sad. But good luck. I think though in time you might lose your daughter as an adult - I've personally seen this happen, at 12 she's already aware of how she's treated and she will see your inaction as acceptance.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 26/02/2023 17:43

Anklespraying · 26/02/2023 17:36

I don't think it's a marriage ending thing, I'm finding it hard to see why people want the husband kicked out for his brothers GFs inconsiderate behaviour.

But I would be a lot cooler with the MIL and brother and new wife. Her (future) children won't be related to you other than by marriage to a member of your husband's family. If this bride and the MILs rules are blood relatives only, they wouldn't see much of me ever again. They have shown you their boundaries very clearly.

For me, it's the fact that he actively kicked up a fuss about his children not being invited, but he doesn't seem in the slightest bit bothered about his step-dd being excluded. So he clearly isn't afraid to rock the boat when it is something that matters to him, but the OP's dd being treated as a full member of his family unit clearly doesn't matter enough to him to challenge the decision to exclude her. It speaks volumes about how he sees his DSD, and the extent to which he regards her as part of his family. Personally, I would find that hard to get past.

Anklespraying · 26/02/2023 17:43

It's him not taking a stand by insisting that 'his' children are still going. That's unforgivable.

It's a crappy wedding. Really, the BIL sounds dumb and the bride dumber. The husband is in a shitty dilemma because of these two and their insane pecking order of importance. Elevating this bridezilla fuck up into something you would divorce over is to invest it with far too much importance. OP has forgiven him and rightly so.

The BIL was only dumped five minutes ago and is marrying in haste to avoid being dumped again. It won't last long.

SerafinasGoose · 26/02/2023 17:43

StarbucksSally · 26/02/2023 17:29

My husband supports us and has a good relationship with my eldest. I think if he declined he would have a difficult time going forward with his family and this would have no impact on my eldest.

I would always put my children first over any man and would leave in a heartbeat if there was any abuse even if the abuse didn’t involve the younger two.

There is no way on earth I am ending my marriage over a wedding invitation. How would I explain that to the younger two?

I would prefer that they didn’t go as it would make things easier for me re: eldest but I know he would just take them anyway. They are their family and they are loved. I think they would resent my eldest at the end of the day if I ended the marriage over this.

Understandable. 'LTB' is for serious stuff. Wedding invitations are trivia, and IME too many weddings cause a great deal more trouble and angst than they're worth.

It's a huge shame that a mere wedding invitation has caused such a bitter row, when other than this your marriage sounds good, and you say he treats your DD well. I would not, however, be happy with the fact that he's apparently okay with his family treating her differently from the others, and see his protestation that he can't force them to do otherwise as a cop-out of some magnitude. When the heat's gone out of the wedding situation this is an issue I suspect you need to address for the future wellbeing of your DD.

In-laws are the one black spot in my marriage, too. They've been vile to me and DH has never once stood up for me, so it ended with me doing so for myself. This isn't a deal-breaker, probably mainly by virtue of the fact that they live some distance away and because they've rarely bothered with them, DH is already LC. If we saw them more often it would be a bigger problem.

There's some very poor advice given above but your update suggests you won't be taking it in any case. Issuing ultimata you've no intention of following through isn't just an childish game to play, it's also extremely unwise. These things have a nasty habit of backfiring. They are never a good idea.

Sorry you are in this unenviable position. I hope you're able to work through this with minimal damage to your DD.

ItsShiela · 26/02/2023 17:43

Anklespraying · 26/02/2023 17:36

I don't think it's a marriage ending thing, I'm finding it hard to see why people want the husband kicked out for his brothers GFs inconsiderate behaviour.

But I would be a lot cooler with the MIL and brother and new wife. Her (future) children won't be related to you other than by marriage to a member of your husband's family. If this bride and the MILs rules are blood relatives only, they wouldn't see much of me ever again. They have shown you their boundaries very clearly.

It's the fact that the husband is completely ok with the eldest being ostracised. Any decent man will say 12 year old is my daughter. We come as a package family or not at all. No man of any integrity would even dare consider taking only the youngest two. That OP's husband is, shows what a horrible bastard he is , when he had the test, he let his stepdaughter down.

Anklespraying · 26/02/2023 17:46

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 26/02/2023 17:43

For me, it's the fact that he actively kicked up a fuss about his children not being invited, but he doesn't seem in the slightest bit bothered about his step-dd being excluded. So he clearly isn't afraid to rock the boat when it is something that matters to him, but the OP's dd being treated as a full member of his family unit clearly doesn't matter enough to him to challenge the decision to exclude her. It speaks volumes about how he sees his DSD, and the extent to which he regards her as part of his family. Personally, I would find that hard to get past.

Show quote history

Most of your comment is not based on OPs posting is it?

BlueHeelers · 26/02/2023 17:47

It’s usual for bride’s family to be the bridesmaids/flower girls, isn’t it?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 26/02/2023 17:47

Anklespraying · 26/02/2023 17:46

Most of your comment is not based on OPs posting is it?

Show quote history

Er, yes it is. What makes you think it isn't?

Ponderingwindow · 26/02/2023 17:49

Is there some drip feed about why excluding children from the wedding was an issue? (Having a flower girl and page boy never counts in that.).

Your youngest is 5 so it isn’t likely that they are too young for you to leave with a sitter for a long day.
is It a destination wedding?
does It at least require an overnight stay?
is it cocomelon themed and the kids felt left out?

Anklespraying · 26/02/2023 17:49

Well even the "his" in italics in the first sentence is incorrect... and on it goes from there.

WB205020 · 26/02/2023 17:50

@StarbucksSally
this is not an easy thing to deal with but what stands out for me is your 12 year old. She is old enough to ‘get it’. To her her brother and sister are just that. Brother and sister. If she doesn’t go and her siblings do she will notice and realise she hasn’t been invited. 12 is young but most 12 year olds are not stupid and can see things like that.

your DH May treat her equally but if I were you both none of the kids would be going and if I were your DH I would step down as best man too. You don’t do that to kids.

Mummyof3Me2021 · 26/02/2023 17:50

Nutsabouttopic · 26/02/2023 13:50

Stop letting your DH family treat your daughter like a second class citizen. If your DH is adamant that HIS children are going let him sort it all out. Don't sort their outfits or anything needed for the day. Do not let your daughter think that she is less wanted than them You and your beautiful firstborn have a mamny daughter day out. If his family and in particular his spineless brother see your daughter as less than her siblings, who are seen as lower than brides niece and nephew, let them deal with the children. Should be interesting as your husband is best man.

This..spot on.

Your poor 12 year old daughter.
How would you even explain that to her without her feeling less than?

I'm actually shocked. My husband adores my daughter and would never treat her differently to his own biological children.

Can't wrap my head around this.

Jeschara · 26/02/2023 17:51

I feel sorry for your daughter. Step Father too weak to stand up to his family, Father rarely see's her and a Mother who will not stand up and say they all go or none goes.
Do not be fooled by your husband, he does treat your daughter differently, he could not care less that she is not going so long as the other two are

Powaqa · 26/02/2023 17:52

I think they have done this deliberately. They think that by only inviting 2 children then you will decline and none will go and they will get their child free wedding after all

Anklespraying · 26/02/2023 17:53

Jeschara · 26/02/2023 17:51

I feel sorry for your daughter. Step Father too weak to stand up to his family, Father rarely see's her and a Mother who will not stand up and say they all go or none goes.
Do not be fooled by your husband, he does treat your daughter differently, he could not care less that she is not going so long as the other two are

This is just nasty.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 26/02/2023 17:54

Anklespraying · 26/02/2023 17:49

Well even the "his" in italics in the first sentence is incorrect... and on it goes from there.

How is it incorrect? He may have asked for all of the children to be included, but he willingly accepted it when the invites was extended to his children only, so clearly that's all that he really cared about.

I'd expect a decent person to kick off even more when only one child was being excluded in this way, but apparently, he doesn't think it's worth making a fuss about. Even though he was happy to make a fuss about a child free wedding in the first place.

I'm not making this up, it's there in black and white.

ItsShiela · 26/02/2023 17:55

Anklespraying · 26/02/2023 17:53

This is just nasty.

Show quote history

No, it's 100% accurate. Nasty, is that the husband, when faced with a true test, chose to take 2 of his children and allow the ostracisation of his oldest daughter. That, is truly nasty. He failed the most basic test there is for a decent man and human being.

aSofaNearYou · 26/02/2023 17:55

They probably didn't invite the kids in the first place because they didn't want to have to invite your eldest too and thought it would be better to just invite none. They were pushed into it, and now you're all seeing why it would have probably been best to leave it.

Personally I'd have just accepted none of the kids going, since they didn't really want the other two there either, might as well have just been an adult only event. But I get that your DH would probably just take them anyway.

Awrite · 26/02/2023 17:56

I answered earlier but wanted to add that my husband would chose his daughter over his brother a thousand times over.

Yeah, it might be a wedding but, well I don't know how I'd feel in your shoes because it wouldn't happen.

Anklespraying · 26/02/2023 17:58

ItsShiela · 26/02/2023 17:55

No, it's 100% accurate. Nasty, is that the husband, when faced with a true test, chose to take 2 of his children and allow the ostracisation of his oldest daughter. That, is truly nasty. He failed the most basic test there is for a decent man and human being.

Show quote history

I meant the insult you wrote about OP.