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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared stiff of being pregnant at 45

307 replies

notsureconfused · 26/02/2023 08:21

Long story short I have 2 older teens conceived through ivf. Very much thought we were done when I miraculously got pregnant naturally with our third at 43. It's been tough. We were used to having sleep again, more freedom etc and we've gone back to the start. Now I've discovered I'm pregnant again. Only now I'm 45, knackered with a 2 year old (plus the teens) & I'm very worried about coping all over again.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2023 08:22

Do you want another baby?

Commah · 26/02/2023 08:23

I would be worried too. I’m the same age and definitely couldn’t cope. Heading into menopause is hard enough without a toddler to look after. Have you considered your other options?

Fancysauce · 26/02/2023 08:23

Well you do have options.

WorkingFromHomeRocks · 26/02/2023 08:25

I wouldn’t be interested in a baby at that age. I’m already looking ahead to being a grandma and I’m a similar age to you! Hoping it won’t be for 10 years or so though 😆

BentleyRhythmAce · 26/02/2023 08:28

You don't have to be pregnant if you don't want to be.

Original poster
notsureconfused · 26/02/2023 08:28

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2023 08:22

Do you want another baby?

No, I don't. But I'm also finding the alternative difficult to contemplate. I'm not against abortion at all but after years of infertility and multiple ivy's it doesn't feel like something I can do.

OP posts:
aintnothinbutagstring · 26/02/2023 08:28

I wouldn't have a baby at 43 let alone another 45 - especially with already having teens. YANBU to be worried but as others have said - you do have a choice.

abmac95 · 26/02/2023 08:30

That's really tough. I suppose my thoughts would be that you already have a toddler - you are already in the middle of long days and sleepless nights. Yes another baby will extend this by two years but its not like you only have your teenagers - you are still in the toddler phase. If you want another go for it I would say. If you dont then don't feel guilty.

Intergalacticcatharsis · 26/02/2023 08:37

I would also be scared at 45 not least about whether the new baby would be healthy. There is also still an increased miscarriage risk.
On the flip side, I think it would be lovely for your toddler to have a sibling close in age so they have each other.
So there are pros and cons. Whatever you decide will be the right decision and good luck making it.

There is also an argument that young kids keep you young.
I wouldn’t fancy a 14 year old when I am 59 but if you have done it 3 times already you will cope!

Redbushteaforme · 26/02/2023 08:38

I had one at three months off 43 and one at three months of 47. They are 16 and 12 now. It was fine. I hadn't already raised two teenagers when I had them, to be fair.

As PP has said, with a two year gap, you are getting the sleepless nights and nappies stage over quicker.

Having another two similar in ages also means that your toddler will have a sibling nearer to them in age than their older siblings.

YANBU whatever you decide, but I think personally that it is doable. A hard two years coming up but things should get easier after that.

Merryoldgoat · 26/02/2023 08:40

I am your age.

There is absolutely no way I could have that baby.

Withnailandeye · 26/02/2023 08:42

notsureconfused · 26/02/2023 08:28

No, I don't. But I'm also finding the alternative difficult to contemplate. I'm not against abortion at all but after years of infertility and multiple ivy's it doesn't feel like something I can do.

Show quote history

You’ve had years of infertility and IVF but you also have three live children, so please don’t feel as though you need to have this baby as some nod to the difficult journey you’ve had.

I absolutely wouldn’t be adding a pregnancy and a new born to a 2yo at 45.

mamakaur · 26/02/2023 08:42

It's completely normal to feel that way. The teens can help you. :)

pinkdelight · 26/02/2023 08:43

You'll get some people telling you they/their friends had babies at 50 and it was swell etc but you've already been through it at 43 and know how it was for you and it truly doesn't sound like what you want or need. There's no onus on you to have an unplanned fourth child just because you did ivf so somehow owe it to karma or the fertility gods or whatever makes you feel bad for contemplating the alternative. Four kids is a lot and not what you had in mind at any point. Better to focus your limited energy and resources on the dc you have rather than adding a whole other person into the mix at this law stage. And get on some hardcore contraception. It's not worth the risks of something like this that throws your whole family's life up in the air and causes you stress either way.

catgirl1976 · 26/02/2023 08:45

Please don’t feel like your previous challenges and IVF journey mean you don’t have options and have some sort of karmic obligation to have another baby if it’s not what you want. If it is what you want then congratulations and you’ll make it work but I’m 46 and I know I just couldn’t. I’m not you though and it’s your choice but it is a choice regardless of what’s gone before.

Best of luck with whatever you decide

BoredBetsy · 26/02/2023 08:48

Either option will be fine.
I know several people who had their last baby at 44/45 and it will be tough for a couple of years but also wonderful too.

You don't need to feel guilty putting yourself and your capacity for coping first either.

Crumbcatcher · 26/02/2023 08:50

If you're knackered now, another one is too much. You could end up ill and your three need you.

WeeOrcadian · 26/02/2023 08:51

mamakaur · 26/02/2023 08:42

It's completely normal to feel that way. The teens can help you. :)

The teens aren't having the baby though - you can't lumber teens with a.newborn and all the responsibilities that come with it, that's a ridiculous way to view things and you shouldn't have more children if you're relying on your older children for childcare (of any kind)

You have three children - the troubles you've had in the past don't define your present. You absolutely have choices and you don't have to have this baby if you don't want to.

I'm a touch younger than you and I wouldn't be doing it all over again from scratch, I couldn't. And my DC are 6 & 8, not even teenagers.

Do you have someone IRL that you can talk things through with?

Hibiscusroses · 26/02/2023 08:54

I had DC4 at 44. Completely unplanned but cannot imagine life without them now. We were very lucky and had no health issues, but we went for a lot of screening (private Harmony test etc). I don't think we would have gone ahead if the screening had shown we were high risk.

Original poster
notsureconfused · 26/02/2023 08:55

We only found out yesterday so I've not spoken to anyone in real life yet... and to be honest I feel so embarrassed about the whole thing. I do need to speak to someone. We had to go to a friend's big birthday party last night and pretend that we hadn't had this bombshell. I just wish the answer was clear cut but I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Pearsandclocks · 26/02/2023 08:56

No yanbu. I’d be terrified too. I had a termination at 40 for the same reasons. It was a really difficult thing to do and I still think about it now 10 years later but there’s no way I wanted another child. Of course I could have coped with another but I didn’t want to.

Comedycook · 26/02/2023 08:58

If you have a two year old, you're pretty much in the thick of it anyway...I don't think it's as much of a disaster as you'd think. You're already stuck with doing the primary school run for the next decade anyway and all that accompanies it. It's not like you're going to be giving up sunning yourself on cruises and lay ins.

Dippyeggz · 26/02/2023 08:59

As previous posters have said, you have options. Only you know what is right for you and your family.

EnglishRain · 26/02/2023 08:59

I feel like if you've already got a 2YO it'd be nice to have a second close in age to that one. You're already going to be dealing with small child stuff for the coming years anyway...

wishingitwasfriday · 26/02/2023 09:00

mamakaur · 26/02/2023 08:42

It's completely normal to feel that way. The teens can help you. :)

You are joking, right? Why on earth should the teens have to help? They should be out being teens, not shackled to helping raise their siblings.
OP if you don't want the baby then don't have it.