To be scared stiff of being pregnant at 45

[notsureconfused]

Long story short I have 2 older teens conceived through ivf. Very much thought we were done when I miraculously got pregnant naturally with our third at 43. It's been tough. We were used to having sleep again, more freedom etc and we've gone back to the start. Now I've discovered I'm pregnant again. Only now I'm 45, knackered with a 2 year old (plus the teens) & I'm very worried about coping all over again.

Let it sink in, I felt exactly the same when I found out last week. I'm 42 with 2 little ones. After a few days I felt much clearer. Good luck and congratulations

Thanks for this, you're absolutely right. I do feel I should somehow be more grateful for my children than other mothers because it was difficult to have them. It's difficult to think any differently.

You already have 3dc, no need to feel obliged to have this one. Only you can decide what is best for you and your family. Don’t base it on how you think you should feel.

I wouldn't be having another baby at 45. I'd also be talking to DH about whether he would consider a vasectomy.

My friend had her second set of twins at 47. Her first set were 17!

Completely unfair on the teens.

You have only just found out. Give yourself a few days to let it sink in. There is no right or wrong here.

I'd be tempted to continue because of already having the toddler but that is so much easier for me to say.

Whatever you wamt to do is your choice. It's your life and you don't have to feel you owe some non existent force 'payback'. What is your partner's view on it? When yoy have 3DC and an established family you have to make the decision on what's best for you all.

It's a tricky one as I'd feel my teens had already had enough upheavel bur I'd also like a sibling for the toddler. I nearly had 4 DC. I lost my youngest DC's twin and I always wondered what life would be like but having 3DC has been hard work. I am now 43 and wouldn't add another (can't anyway) because of my teens. Maybe write down what's working well with your current family, what needs to change then think about how a new child would interact with those points? Good luck OP. Take good care of yourself as this is tough.

You're entitled to options OP, IVF doesn't emotionally invalidate your right to abortion

I think the ‘teens can help’ is a joke. I blooming well hope so!

What’s your DH thinking about it all?

Maybe you should think of it this way: don't you owe something to your current children, rather than appeasing the fertility gods? Teens are incredibly exhausting, and need you more than small children do sometimes. GCSE's, A levels, uni, mental health etc etc. Do you really think you want to do that 4 times in this economic climate? Also, what if the 4th has special needs? Do you have the energy and finances to take care of a toddler and a special needs child?

YANBU to be worried, but I believe you would cope.

What contraception were you using after the first “miracle”? If nothing, bit YABU tbh.

Such a tricky decision. In your circs I don’t think I would go ahead. You have your teens and you have a toddler. With your age, the fact you have two older ones another baby will take away a lot of attention from them.

Sure you would all cope though if you kept the child but I guess you’d might be limited in what care you could offer your future grandchildren as if you are anything like me I intend to help out when the time comes.

You also need to sort out some contraception going forward

good luck with whatever you decide :-)

It’s likely the pregnancy won’t work out. Sorry if that sounds brutal but it’s more meant to reassure you that you may well not have to make any ‘difficult decisions’.

This is so, so true.

I can understand why you don't want to go through it all again

Ivf can make people fertile. My clinic warned me of that and I was back on the pill at 6w check up after ttc for 10yrs and no contraception

What does your dh think

Yes as you have a 2yr be nice for them to have company and you are in the throes of nappies etx

Equally as 2 your life is coming back together again. Soon will be starting pre school /nursery

Or May be there now if you work

Can you afford a 4th

And sad to say that as 45 there may be issues with the baby and maybe worth having a hamming test to help you make up your mind as if no 4 will have sn that's a lot to take on at your age with a toddler 💐

It's a tricky one as you're already back in the swing of being in baby land so it's perhaps a little easier to adjust to a fourth child than it was the third?

But, it's your choice and if you're both struggling now then best not to go ahead.

Of course the teens would help. Not in a ´no, you can’t get an afterschool job because I need you to babysit’ kind of way, but more in the ´can you hold her while I nip to the loo’ and ´while you’re upstairs can you grab me a clean babygro’ ´kind of way.
There’s a lot of middle ground between teens ignoring a baby sibling’s existence and parentification.

Oh, and then there's peri-menopause. Don't underestimate the effect that may have on you. I am having a hellish time with it- despite being very energetic before-and the only way I am coping is because my DC are young adults.

If you have strong feelings against abortion than adoption is also an option.......whatever you choose, bringing a baby into the family because of your own feelings of guilt isn't the right thing for anyone.

I understand.
However, your circumstances have changed. The situation is totally different. You need to act in the interest of yourself and your existing family.

I'm sure you will be fine . Your teens will help a little even if it's just while you get a shower . Obviously have all the tests that are offered while you are older parents . But it will be nice for the two of them growing up together . Then get a sterilisation!

I wouldn’t be delighted but would go with it. These things happen for a reason and, although it will be hard at first, I doubt you’ll regret it in the long term.

Excellent points, @pinkdelight .