To be scared stiff of being pregnant at 45

[notsureconfused]

Long story short I have 2 older teens conceived through ivf. Very much thought we were done when I miraculously got pregnant naturally with our third at 43. It's been tough. We were used to having sleep again, more freedom etc and we've gone back to the start. Now I've discovered I'm pregnant again. Only now I'm 45, knackered with a 2 year old (plus the teens) & I'm very worried about coping all over again.

You have 3 dc, you dont have to have another one because you think you should

If you want another dc, have one, if you don't, you have another option

Idk why you needed ivf. I had ivf for dd and what was described as unexplained infertility. I was told it was like my body was capable of producing a baby but didn’t know quite what it needed to do. Perhaps you had that? And now that your body knows what to do, you can produce babies. If it’s the case, that means you’re in exactly the same situation as the majority of the population. Please don’t feel guilty about looking at your choices.

Op I think it might be easier raising two together than to raise your 2yo as an only child.
Financially your older kids will be off your hands soon.
You could make a choice but make sure you are 100% sure with councilling first. You don't want to end up carrying a guilty burden.

You have exactly the same options as any woman in your position. Your previous fertility issues are not relevant here. Maybe spend a bit of time thinking through why this feels so relevant to you. If you had not had IVF and had 3 kids 'naturally' would your thinking be different now? If so, why? Where exactly does the difference lie?

If it helps, in your shoes i would terminate. And i had 2 kids in my 40s after multiple miscarriages. I just think the impact on the kids i do have would be too much and they are my primary concern.

Please don’t feel guilty.

Carrying a pregnancy at 45 will be a lot for your body. A new baby will be physically and mentally difficult for you, your dh and your elderly parents!

Do what’s best for you and the children you have now.

I can see your problem, @notsureconfused, but I think I'd be inclined to leave it and see what happens. Your third child will be a bit like an only child once your middle one has gone to uni or whatever, and I wouldn't want that for a child of mine. I'd also think I might as well have another if I had a toddler too. But in the kindest possible way, the chances of the pregnancy going to full term and there not being any additional challenges to cope with are statistically not great, so you might find that the decision is taken out of your hands.

If you already have a 2 year old then you are already in the thick of it.
May be a good playmate for your 2 year old.
M
The 2 youngest will have sibling closer in age when growing up they can have thngs and experiences in common with.

I was in a similar position with unexplained infertility, and then a surprise 4th shortly after trying very hard to have DC1,2&3.

In all honesty, I cried throughout the entire pregnancy. I did seriously contemplate if I could/should continue with the pregnancy.
I had very similar feelings to the ones you described, and it felt wrong for me to terminate the pregnancy after our journey, which was why I went ahead.
Everything worked out and I have a wonderful bunch of children who I adore. The two youngest are especially close to each other, and I am grateful for that bond.
But I absolutely know that if it happened again, I would not go ahead with it.

It's all brand new information. Give yourself a week to digest the information and then you can discuss with your DH. You have options, and you absolutely have the right to do what is best for you.

Our 3rd child is like an only once the oldest went to uni/left home ( 10 and 13 years older). Its been absolutely fine, she is well adjusted and happy and has thrived.

Just reading your posts it sounds like this isn’t a pregnancy you want to continue with but you’re conflicted about taking the step of actively ending the pregnancy. That in an ideal world the pregnancy might just end by itself and that might be a relief?

You are allowed to take active control of your fertility without feeling like you are betraying your past self- you took control as an active decision with your DH in the past when you went for IVF, now you have an active decision to make again, but the stakeholders include your existing children too. I’m of course not saying they should be made aware of this, but that it is ok, and even right, to make a decision taking their/the family’s best interests into account too.

I understand this feeling but a commitment to a baby you do not want is a big thing.

It’s ok to have mixed feelings and still have the choice.

Take the ivf issue out of the equation. This is about having 2 teens, a 2 year old unexpected child and an unwanted pregnancy at a time you are tired, older and done with kids.

You do not need to feel guilty about a reasonable choice.

I am also 45 and have 3 children- all teens and pre teen / primary. If I got pregnant now it would be a huge shock and I would have concerns for sure but I would absolutely cope and that’s with no outside help. Yes it would be hard but how wonderful for your 2 year old to have a playmate their own age. We are 45 not 75! I don’t know why so many women put themselves in the old persons bin in their 40’s. It’s like they give up. Get yourself healthy, healthy food, gentle excersise every day. Plenty of sleep (if possibly with pregnancy)
You will be fine OP - the first part will be hard of course but it is with most babies at any age. Just take each day as it comes.
The main thing I would be worried about would be if the baby was healthy. I would be most concerned about that I guess.

I'm your age, and also went through IVF for my two children. They are slightly younger than yours and early teens.

I went through a phase where I thought that if I could get pregnant naturally after this, it would somehow 'make up' for the fact that we needed IVF. We haven't used contraception in 17 years, and have no pregnancies to show for it. I'm not sure I would even have wanted another child! That's how messed up my thinking was.

I wonder (and this could be way off base) if that's how you ended up with your toddler. And perhaps this one?

If that is the case, I think you need to take a long introspective look at yourself (in the kindest possible way) and perhaps consider therapy, or counselling. You don't owe the universe this baby.

Also, the middle age years are a big upheaval for both men and women. Being stuck in the baby/child years again could make this ten times worse. At least with one small child, you can divide and conquer and still keep your marriage top priority. I know I would (and have) struggle with two.

Just a few thoughts that may be way off base, but perhaps might help.

OP, you have options and need to think about them.

I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but I do wonder if you subconsciously actively wanted a 4th child. You and your dh knew after conceiving your toddler that you were capable of becoming pregnant.

I know there are always contraceptive failures, but after having my 2 dc I absolutely knew there was no way I'd be prepared to go through another pregnancy. So dh had a vasectomy. If he hadn't wanted to, I'd have been sterilised. I just wasn't prepared to risk another pregnancy.

So, were you willing to take a risk with contraception as it wouldnt be the end of the world if you got pregnant? If that was your thinking, it's absolutely fine to change your mind once faced with the reality. So please don't feel any obligation to continue with a pregnancy unless you and your husband are really wanting to.

Isn’t it time to try a more effective contraception method if this is how you both feel?

Wow, what an amazing fertility journey, there is so much we don't understand.

I don't get the "Oh you already have a 2 year old" arguement. This would be adding a whole new person to the family with everything that entails.

Has anyone had a 3 year old and newborn when they suggesting a playmate? I have it was bloody hard and I was 29 at the time. I couldn't imagine doing that at ops age. She admits she's finds it already exhausting adding another and sleepless nights won't help. She has aging parents and two older children one who's away at uni and the other that will be flying the nest before long. There's nothing morally wrong with not proceeding with the pregnancy just because you had IVF.

Let it sink in.

Either choice is valid. You had IVF to have the teens. That's done. It shouldn't have any bearing on this pregnancy. I understand how you feel, but you need to take this pregnancy on it's merits and not discount abortion because you had IVF before.

My thoughts, personally, based just on what you've written in your thread....if you just had your teens it would be a no brainer to abort. It would be so disruptive to have another.

But you've got a 2 year old. You're already back in that baby stage. And it would be nice to have a sibling close in age.

But only you know how you are coping with the 2 year old. How your finances are. Can you fit another child in your child. How much support you would have etc etc.

Take your time and think it through, but both are valid options and you just have to do what's right for you and your family.

This.

I think your (and dh’s) initial reaction is what you should go with.
I had a termination last year after an accidental pregnancy. It was hard, but my first thought when I found out I was pregnant was “I can’t do this”. I also had a hard journey having my dc and a huge amount of guilt, but a year later I know it was the right choice for our family.
good luck with whatever you choose. X

My mum always said the second would be a breeze….it was all rubbish and the early years of ds2 were truly awful. I only had 2 dc and was 30 when I had ds2. Looking back I think I had PND, in part due to this idea I had that it wouldn’t be much harder than having one. I was naive but it is really different having 2. You forget after a while, bit like labour pain!

I think you need to think really hard op about having another at 45, you are at increased risk of complications and miscarriage and you will be early 60’s before the child would be heading off to university or work. That’s a huge commitment!

What do YOU want?

I had a baby just before my 46th birthday and there are 3 mums in my DD’s class who had babies at 45.

It isn’t that uncommon.

I would just take a bit of time to let the right decision settle in your mind as initial reactions can sometimes change in my experience. Either option is open to you, try to keep a calm head.