To be scared stiff of being pregnant at 45

[notsureconfused]

Long story short I have 2 older teens conceived through ivf. Very much thought we were done when I miraculously got pregnant naturally with our third at 43. It's been tough. We were used to having sleep again, more freedom etc and we've gone back to the start. Now I've discovered I'm pregnant again. Only now I'm 45, knackered with a 2 year old (plus the teens) & I'm very worried about coping all over again.

You really don’t have to have the baby, and you shouldn’t feel guilty. I’ve had an abortion and it was because another baby would have seriously impacted the lives of our existing three, as well as my mental health which was completely shot to pieces. You are allowed to (and in fact, you probably should) put the family you already have, first. 💐

OP was your 2 year old planned? If not you know you have to re think your contraception methods!

I echo PP that previous infertility has no bearing here. You have THREE children.
Don't be a martyr and have a baby just because. It's baffling that some women think they just have to go along with a pregnancy despite not being 100% for it.

In this country women thankfully have the luxury and freedom to not have to continue with a pregnancy we do not want.

I’ve had a termination once in my life, had a child, and had secondary infertility. I can understand how complicated and strange all those feelings are when you’ve suffered both infertility and wanted to terminate a pregnancy!

It does sound like a termination might be what you want from reading your posts. Please don’t think there’s even an ounce of shame in it. We’re so lucky we get that choice here and now.

Think of it this way: amazing medicine got you your older DC, and gives you the choice to have the family size you want now.

Whatever you decide, OP, good luck.

There are a few similarities between your situation and mine. I'm your age and have two mid/older teens and a 7yo, all conceived naturally but interspersed with numerous miscarriages. The older I've got, the clearer I've been that I would terminate any further pregnancy. There is an extent to which that does feel very alien due to the number of losses I've had. But I really do think that emotions such as guilt and gratitude don't belong in decisions like these. They're about measuring up to what is essentially an externally imposed norm rather than what you want and can cope with in the here and now. I think it would be helpful for you to try (perhaps with a counsellor) to separate out what you feel you 'have' to do from what you want to do - or rather how you want things to be.

Have you considered putting the baby up for adoption? Lots of people are willing to adopt.

Not a chance would I go through with the pregnancy in your situation OP.

I'm a similar age to you OP, but two children much younger (3 and 7). Two things that would concern me are at this maternal age the chances of a baby with health issues is much greater. With three DC already that could have a huge impact on your ability to make time for them all. I might feel differently about that risk if didn’t have DC already. Also the aging parents thing would bother me too and is something I already think about. The challenge of balancing DC and their needs with elderly parents requiring increasing levels of support is something I do stress about (thankfully unnecessarily at this point but very aware that won’t last forever).

And I would be sorting out some permanent contraception!

I think if would be lovely in the future for your youngest to have a sibling close in age.
Difficult for you in the meantime right enough but it just might pay off.

You should also consider not just parenting another young child in your 40's/50's but also parenting a 15 yr old at 60 and potentially still having a child living with you until you are 70 since it is so had for young people to get on the housing market these days.

I am really surprised at the number of people recommending OP goes ahead with this so her 2yo has a sibling close in age/isn't an 'only child'.

I've done 2 close together and one a lot younger and there's no 'only child' about it - and quite a few advantages to not having two small ones to focus on at once. But my own experience aside, recommending bringing an entire new person into the world, with all its implications, just so there's a 'playmate' is astonishing.

Why do you need to talk to someone like that?

Why are you so nasty?

It's a huge decision to make, but only you know which one is right for you and your family.

You've said you know you don't want this pregnancy, that is your initial feeling. You've also said you are tired.

You also said that because of your struggles with infertility, termination is hard to contemplate.

I would just say, take some time to think about it.

I understand. 💐

I mean this gently, it is possible that the decision might be taken out of your hands as the risk of miscarriage is higher as we age. Please book yourself some good quality counselling tomorrow to explore the different scenarios in a constructive way which will hopefully clarify your options. Be really careful that some organisations present themselves as impartial but are not, these are good.

@OnedayIwillfeelfree

but that would mean undergoing the pregnancy and the stress of it on her body at 45. She doesn’t have to do that

*Do you want another baby?

No, I don't*

Here's your answer. You're not doing anyone a favour having a baby you don't want.

You certainly are.

You don’t need to answer this here but I think that financial circumstances make a huge difference in this decision.

Are you in a position to support with 4 lots of uni fees? To cover uni for the oldest at the same time as childcare for two littlies?

As an older parent I think that money makes a huge difference to the tiredness. Can you afford to work part time? Or have a nanny to help? Cleaner, Gardner etc to take the pressure off?

This. I am surprised that posters are saying her older kids will soon be off her hands and financially independent. Some of my friends have DC in their late 20s still living with them ( admittedly London but still).

Thank you. I think it would be a good idea to speak to someone who is impartial. I've been trying to think which friends / family I would confide in but know that they would find it difficult to not be biased.

I think it can be very easy to say that you have options, just have an abortion etc. but if you are struggling to contemplate that path, that is ok. Sometimes things are not as easy as they look on paper. I couldn’t either and I’m sat here typing with a five week old baby. Take time to work through your thoughts and feelings. They may be at odds with each other, as mine were. I felt at war with myself. You will come to a decision but it must be yours.

Thankfully yes, we could cope financially. My toddler is in part time childcare, I work part time. We have a gardener and a cleaner. Both dh & I are high earners. If anything this adds to my dilemma as we can afford another.

No way it's not the teens responsibility to parent they should be out with their friends..

I had my third DC (unplanned) at 42, when my older DCs were 8 and 10.
I got pregnant again at 45. I was so embarrassed and felt awful. We had recently moved to a bigger house, so each DC had a bedroom, but that meant our finances were already stretched. And I was just so tired all the time.
I had a termination. it was a horrible decision and I cried A LOT. But now I’m 50 and do not regret the decision at all. It was the right decision for myself and my kids, and my partner.

As has been said, it may be that the decision won't be in your hands as the risk of miscarriage is higher at your age. You also have to think about the increased risk of disability and the impact that could have for your family.

I'd only have the child if you're sure. Don't feel guilt about your previous struggles with fertility, it's about what you and your family need now.

And whatever you decide, vasectomy or sterilisation seem the logical step afterwards.