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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared stiff of being pregnant at 45

307 replies

notsureconfused · 26/02/2023 08:21

Long story short I have 2 older teens conceived through ivf. Very much thought we were done when I miraculously got pregnant naturally with our third at 43. It's been tough. We were used to having sleep again, more freedom etc and we've gone back to the start. Now I've discovered I'm pregnant again. Only now I'm 45, knackered with a 2 year old (plus the teens) & I'm very worried about coping all over again.

OP posts:
Maireas · 26/02/2023 09:23

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 26/02/2023 09:21

I wouldn’t be delighted but would go with it. These things happen for a reason and, although it will be hard at first, I doubt you’ll regret it in the long term.

The "reason" is that an egg was fertilised by a sperm. It's an accident of biology.
If a woman does not want the consequences, it's her choice.

frazzled22 · 26/02/2023 09:24

I'm the same age and I'm a grandma! No way could I have a baby of my own now. My children are all grown up and independent and I just don't think I could go back to the baby stage again.
It's tiring looking after my grandchildren for a few hours!
Having said that as you already have a two year old maybe it'll be different for you and nice for them to have a similar aged sibling....... sorry no help at all am I?!

Franticbutterfly · 26/02/2023 09:24

This isn't ideal, but you already have a little one and it'll be great for them to have a sibling close in age. I had a surprise baby and she's the best thing that ever happened to me.

That said, I'd be worried about the potential for health problems in the child and would be researching likelihood of all of those things.

I really feel for you. Go with your gut feeling about what is best.

Lentilweaver · 26/02/2023 09:25

I don't believe the two year old needs a sibling, at the cost of OP's sanity. No guarantee that siblings will get on.

Letstaketotheskies · 26/02/2023 09:25

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 26/02/2023 09:17

If you have strong feelings against abortion than adoption is also an option.......whatever you choose, bringing a baby into the family because of your own feelings of guilt isn't the right thing for anyone.

No one does this in the UK. The number of women who would choose to go through an entire pregnancy, which everyone they know will be aware of, only to give the baby up for adoption at the end is miniscule.
What would you tell your older teens and the 2 year old? Mummy is pregnant but she’s going to give the baby away because she doesn’t want/can’t afford 4 children. How traumatic for the other kids!
I understand this does happen in countries where abortion is more stigmatized and more difficult to access, but it’s not an option most women would choose when there’s also a choice to terminate in the 1st trimester.
I don’t understand why it comes up as a serious suggestion on every unplanned pregnancy thread.

Original poster
notsureconfused · 26/02/2023 09:26

My dh's initial reaction was that he doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy. We only found out 30 minutes before my parents picked up the toddler for an overnight stay so we could go to a party so we've not had chance to discuss at length. Of course I've been awake all night thinking about it. On the one hand we are financially secure, we have a stable marriage and we are in the 'baby' years right now anyway. On the other hand, I don't want to start again, I'm old, my parents help a lot but they are also old and mostly, I'm really tired.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 26/02/2023 09:27

You really do have a choice, and the fact you have IVF previously does not need to impact on that choice.

Lots of people will say it’ll be fine, but given you have a 2 year old right now, you know how it will be for you.

Your first duty is to yourself and the kids you have now, so if having another baby is going to impact negatively on your ability to parent them and take care of yourself, then the sensible thing would be to not do it.

Suzi888 · 26/02/2023 09:27

You aren’t “too old”. But if you don’t both wants another child then it’s a hell of a commitment.

What does your partner think? Are you on the same page, that may make the decision easier.
Can you afford another child? Do you have room for another body?

Perhaps make a list of the practicalities and go from there.

HurryUpLighterNights · 26/02/2023 09:27

Chippy1234 · 26/02/2023 09:09

I think the ‘teens can help’ is a joke. I blooming well hope so!

I don’t think it is given some other replies on this thread. I was that teen, I moved out at 17 as I was sick of being used to mind a toddler. I barely had any relationship with my mother due to her choice to have a child at 48 and try to use me for an extra pair of hands.

JustDanceAddict · 26/02/2023 09:28

I’m early 50s and having a 6/7 year old now would probably finish me off - I have young adult DCs now.
So my answer is you have options. Although it would be nicer for the 2 year old to have a sibling close in age you need to figure in your health & also potential health of a baby conceived at 45.
i am a child of older parents though & would not recommend for many reasons.

Galadriel90 · 26/02/2023 09:28

I think OP you need to prioritise your existing children. Sending you hugs x

Moonicorn · 26/02/2023 09:28

There’s a 75% chance that a pregnancy at 45 won’t work out. Depends on how far along you are but I’m guessing that’s the broad statistic for the early days. You could always give it to, say, 8 weeks and see what happens in the meantime.

Allthismidnighttalking · 26/02/2023 09:28

Soozikinzii · 26/02/2023 09:21

I'm sure you will be fine . Your teens will help a little even if it's just while you get a shower . Obviously have all the tests that are offered while you are older parents . But it will be nice for the two of them growing up together . Then get a sterilisation!

Don't be daft, the teens will still be fast asleep when the OP is up with a baby and wanting her shower.

I get the conflict re the IVF but it would be a no from me (I think) very hard

Lentilweaver · 26/02/2023 09:28

Well, if you are tired, you have a good enough reason not to have one. I only wanted two, and if I had got pregnant, I would have aborted without the slightest guilt because two made me tired enough. Women don't need to be exhausted their whole lives.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/02/2023 09:29

Oysterbabe · 26/02/2023 09:04

I wouldn't be having another baby at 45. I'd also be talking to DH about whether he would consider a vasectomy.

This too..

Allthismidnighttalking · 26/02/2023 09:30

notsureconfused · 26/02/2023 09:26

My dh's initial reaction was that he doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy. We only found out 30 minutes before my parents picked up the toddler for an overnight stay so we could go to a party so we've not had chance to discuss at length. Of course I've been awake all night thinking about it. On the one hand we are financially secure, we have a stable marriage and we are in the 'baby' years right now anyway. On the other hand, I don't want to start again, I'm old, my parents help a lot but they are also old and mostly, I'm really tired.

Plus you will have the looming issue of ageing parents not a million miles away, honestly, can you imagine?

BananaBlue · 26/02/2023 09:31

I am/was a long term IVF-er Inc RM and a PTSD diagnosis from that.

I can/not imagine how your experiences are clouding your thoughts just now.

I think you are conflating a few issues and need to separate the emotions over IVF/spontaneous conception away from what this means for you and your family.

Personally I think would be focusing on what I have now and how it will be affected the IVF emotions/feelings would have to take a backseat.

Also, you’ve only known a few hours.

💐

Ginger1982 · 26/02/2023 09:31

I also had IVF and was only able to have one child. Tried for a sibling and eventually gave up. So I can understand how you feel about abortion given all you've been through. I'm now 40 and DS is 6. The thought of having another child even now, let alone another 5 years from now, really doesn't appeal to me. A first child I desperately wanted, yes, but when I already have one, or in your case, three, no.

Original poster
notsureconfused · 26/02/2023 09:32

Just to clarify, I wouldn't expect my teens to help! My eldest is away at university & my middle dc has limited interest in the toddler, as is completely normal for a teen.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 26/02/2023 09:32

Also as a woman always plan for worse case scenario. Your DH has already said he doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy. I'm sure he's a good 'un but men don't tend to take the kids with them when they up and off.
Could you bring up two DC single handed without your parents' help (you said they are old so wouldn't be fair to ask anything of them).

Auliza · 26/02/2023 09:34

We have friends who had children at a similar age, her older children were about 18/20. It worked really well for them and it’s lovely to see them with their older siblings, they take them out for days and the relationships between them is amazing.

However, different people and different lifestyles mean that it’s not for everyone.

Just sit and have it out and have a good think until you’re certain. Don’t feel pressured that you should be more grateful because of the ivf, you have to make the right decision for your family x

Lndnmummy · 26/02/2023 09:34

Hey OP, there are some excellent counselling options where you can talk through your fears with someone experienced in a no pressure and no judgement environment. Once you have had a chance to take a breath please reach out to them.
💐

Trainnerd · 26/02/2023 09:35

You ‘accidentally’ got pregnant a couple of years ago which I can almost understand given you struggled to conceive without help the first two times. But given you then knew it was possible and you didn’t want a fourth baby why on earth wasn’t your contraception bullet proof? I just struggle with these situations when women fo have choices.

That aside, pros- it would be good I guess for the little one not to be the solo much younger child. They have a playmate which can also help you in entertainment terms as they get a bit bigger. Makes the third one appear a bit more planned if you have a fourth (not that it’s anyone else’s business)

cons- no way I could cope with more disturbed nights and the total and sheer exhaustion but yes I guess you are in the thick of it anyway. I’d have to be a SAHM with some childcare on top to even vaguely cope I think. I would not want to be the older mum at the school gates but that’s just my own hang ups more than anything else.

ILiveAt64ZooLane · 26/02/2023 09:36

wishingitwasfriday · 26/02/2023 09:00

You are joking, right? Why on earth should the teens have to help? They should be out being teens, not shackled to helping raise their siblings.
OP if you don't want the baby then don't have it.

Show quote history

No one has said to shackle the teenagers into helping, most families do help each other out generally. They can do some chores which helps or even if they pop upstairs to get a nappy because you don’t have one to hand. @mamakaur didnt suggest that the teenagers take on raising the child.

lifter · 26/02/2023 09:36

As someone who went through the infertility journey and ended up without kids ... I don't think you owe the universe anything. I wouldn't even judge someone who'd had IVF and then changed their mind in that pregnancy (though I'd worry about them). You've created the family you wanted already. You have the privilege of living in a time and place that gives you options, so if they're right for you, use them!