To be scared stiff of being pregnant at 45

[notsureconfused]

Long story short I have 2 older teens conceived through ivf. Very much thought we were done when I miraculously got pregnant naturally with our third at 43. It's been tough. We were used to having sleep again, more freedom etc and we've gone back to the start. Now I've discovered I'm pregnant again. Only now I'm 45, knackered with a 2 year old (plus the teens) & I'm very worried about coping all over again.

Don’t have a baby you don’t want. An abortion would be hard but having a baby would be harder.
I’d also worry I was pushing my luck. At our age the odds of having a child with complex needs are much higher and that would be difficult for all of you.

In some ways this could be great for you if you have lots of family support or friends to help. I am a similar age and my children are tweens. I am exhausted most of the time but we don't have a lot of support.

@mamakaur

”It's completely normal to feel that way. The teens can help you. :)”

lol no, the teens will be out with their pals or doing their homework or watching Netflix! Ain’t gonna happen

Op Your toddler will cope fine without having a sibling of a similar age, don’t continue the pregnancy for this reason alone

I think the fear is entirely reasonable, but a lot of people saying no way at 43 are already done and dusted - you have a 2 year old so you’re in the mode of mumming small children. A little younger at 39 just having had my second but I don’t feel my age and would consider another.

what does your partner think?

I think if you are financially secure and you already have a toddler I don’t think it will be that big a leap for another.

I would worry going forward that the older 2 will eventually cut out this younger sibling and I would want to give the younger sibling at least an ally

I understand not all children get on but it is rare for dc with larger age gaps to be that close as they will forever be at different stages in their lives.

You are still in the baby/small child phase and it isn’t much of a leap to having another now.

Why are you embarrassed about being pregnant?

I think you need to embrace this pregnancy and be positive. If you give a hint that you are embarrassed or not really wanting to be pregnant then your dc will pick up on it and this child will start off in life with siblings who think that they are an inconvenience and not wanted.

For me I would look at the dynamics of the family
ATM you have 2 children that are older and 1 which is for all intents and purposes is an only child but an only child with uninterested siblings which gets more complicated growing up

ATM we are dealing with dh’s older sibling who has single handedly cut Dh from everything to do with his parents.

Because Dh is younger he has always been ignored.
BIL acts like he is an only child and will fudge and lie to make it look like he is the only child. He is in his 70s.
I have seen similar happen to other families with large age gaps

At least where there are a couple of children in each age gap they can’t be ignored.

After years of miscarriages and finally having 2 kids I absolutely understand that stance, I'm finding it hard to commit to sterilisation/coil/ DH having a vasectomy at 40 and 41 for the same complicated reasons.

I also get worrying, I'm 40 with a 1 and 5 yr old and I love them dearly but I am TIRED, also my eldest has some health stuff which makes t harder.

Do you have PCOS by any chance? Apparently it causes fewer problems as you get older, so difficulty in 20s and early 39s, random miracle babies in our late 30s and 40s. It's been the case for me and my sister both.

Anyway, you have choices much as it doesn't feel like it. Yanbu to worry. All the sympathy is really a ll I can offer but I get your situation!

I would let nature decide it's very early days I assume?

It’s not necessarily that women are ‘putting ourselves in the old person bin’ in our 40s- just that some of us actually feel that way because perimenopause has hit us like a ton of bricks and we can’t imagine looking after a baby/toddler/small child at the same time as trying to manage the huge physical and psychological changes we’re going through! Yes, some women sail through menopause, but a great many (perhaps the majority?) do not. I’m 45 and having a very challenging time of things, as are several friends and acquaintances of a similar age. Meno isn’t just hot flushes. In fact, I have had very few of those. But many of the things I’m experiencing make me feel old- like the stiff painful joints in my fingers that make it difficult to do things.

Pure purgatory. Why do that to yourselves?

Plus the very real chance of potential issues with pregnancy at this age.

Luckily you have the two year old so parenting will come easily should you wish that.
If I were you I'd go with your gut and also have all tests offered to know the health status of the baby.
Best wishes and fortunately we live in the modern age with the best of medical help whatever course of action you take.
Given your reaction it possibly is time for your husband to consider the snip.

I'll preface this by saying you have to make the decision that is right for you and your family, however my personal experience is that two close together is a lot easier than one on their own as they get slightly older. By the time they're 2 and 4 they would play together without my input, and that has continued all through their primary school years, I see my friends with children with a bigger age gap or only one and they always have to be part of every game all of the time and never seem to get their own time to themselves when the kids are awake.

@Kennykenkencat

“I would worry going forward that the older 2 will eventually cut out this younger sibling and I would want to give the younger sibling at least an ally“

don’t take this advice op, you don’t have to have a baby you don’t want for the sake of your toddler

Yes I do have PCOS. That's really interesting. I've gone from being infertile in my 20s/30s to apparently super fertile in my old age. I've had the same issues regarding the coil / dh having a vasectomy etc. It's such a confusing issue when you've had years of longing for a child to try to prevent a pregnancy. Obviously it's something I should have taken very seriously.

You don't want another child. That is the important thing there here. It's not like you want a baby, but your circumstances are difficult. You don't want another child. There is nothing wrong with that. You shouldn't have a child neither of you want.

This happened to me age 43, three older children, about to be made redundant and in a failing marriage. I looked at my choices but a termination was not for me. He’s almost grown up now and is the most wonderful young man who is loved by all his brothers and sisters (ps they were proud to drive him to sports and events and do things with him once we got past the baby and toddler stages) and I have no regrets at all. It’s a cliche but I really do believe he’s kept me young, I do far more than friends of a similar age both with him and on my own. My only challenge is that I will need to work to my state retirement age to fund him through university rather than retire at 62 as I’d hoped and I do get a little more tired now. I wish you luck.

I would approach your closest friend and tell them you need to confide in them about something you are struggling with. Ask them to please not react until you have got it all out as you need someone to help you consider your options.
Lots of my friends are in similar financial situations but I would not think less of them for choosing to do what they feel is best for them and their families regardless of the decision.

That's not true my sister is 10 years older we are much closer than me and DB who have 2 years apart. It depends on personality and the gap becomes much less as you reach adulthood. Don't base your decision just on your toddler having a potential friend it doesn't always work out like that.

This is a very real worry- A family locally had a “Late” baby and their child ( teen) needs two young fit carers to manage the child physically.

Child very strong and very challenging, and does not seem happy.

OP you already have three healthy children
I’d no way be risking a fourth at this age.

I know it's been dismissed as nonsense by some posters but I do think your 2 yr old is somewhat like an only child.

I struggled as a child with siblings only 5 to 10 yrs older, I was on my own a lot. (My siblings moved out for uni and got into steady relationships very young etc).

A lo two/three years younger could be great for your child. Their other siblings will always be a generation older.
And you are older parents to your youngest too, so that's a factor in terms of support..

I know two women who had babies at 45, they're in their 60s now, both boys grown up, one with 2 kids of his own, not sure about the other one. The both coincidentally look pretty young for their age.

I'm inclined to look at the positives.

Actually I've just realised I know three women who had a child at 45.

The third is my great aunt, her youngest DD is the closest to her out of her siblings, and a great help to her.

As you've already got a 2 year old, it may not be as awful as you think. Plus in 2 or 3 years they'll be able to entertain each other, as they are so close on age. Having just the one won't give you that option. The teens will be off your hands by then too.

It purely depends my Dsis is 10 years older, yes in childhood I didn't see her much but now it's every week we are very close. I see my DBro small gap much less once a year!!! It doesn't matter once you reach adulthood you aren't a child for very long.

Having had a baby just 48 I understand the dilemma. Good luck whatever you choose. [bouquet]

Those who are saying that it will be good for the little one to have a sibling close in age don’t seem to be taking into account the fact that the OP has said she doesn’t want another baby. 😐