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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jeez, is it any reason women don't leave?

234 replies

MissHoneysHappyEnding · 25/02/2023 18:23

I ended a 20 year relationship with the father of my children last weekend. He moved out and I blocked him for my own sanity and he was sending awful texts ('tell the kids that I'm dead' etc). I kept lines open with his family as I like them and we have a good relationship. His mum sent me a message a few days earlier saying that he was abusive and she could see how tense he made the house and how the DC's seemed anxious about his moods and behaviour. He drinks too, to excess. On the first day of our holiday with his family last year he drank a whole bottle of whiskey, told us all to fuck off and went AWOL and so we had to spend the whole night looking for him and found him passed out in the street. I told him he needed to get help over and over but living in the house it was just too easy for him to slip back to his usual ways.
So since he went (not voluntarily) his mum has text me twice a day about how upset she is. She let me know that he'd given up drinking for one whole day and I should just let him move back as he 'knows now that you're serious'. I said no, and that he needed to look into long term accommodation options before we are able to sell the house. She has since sent me the 'crying emoji' lots of times and told me that she is devastated and emotional about losing us. Then today, she said 'I need to know if you are seeing someone else' JFC she has seen it all! She has been there! Why am I suddenly the cause? Did she mean to support me all those years, acknowledge the pain her son was causing but never actually mean for me to leave?
I'm tempted to block her but I need to contact her to discuss logistics like child visitation and giving him his stuff back.
This is on top of my mums first suggestion of 'can you live together for financial reasons but not as a couple?' and 'I don't think you'll be able to keep up with the mortgage on your own' plus my elder relatives general 'well I think marriages should last forever, through thick and thin' bullshit.
I don't feel like I have anyone who actually supports me. I feel like it's all STILL about him and his needs, even though I've done all that I can. I was a mug for way too long.
I'm finding it hard to feel happy and positive about my future, which I did when I made the decision to say no, because no one seems to believe in me or think that I'm worth more than this shit relationship.

OP posts:
MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 25/02/2023 18:27

Well I support you.

You've clearly done the right thing. It's not like you've thrown the towel in after 6 months. You've given him 20 years.

Hopefully he seeks help, but it's not up to you to continue to mop us his literal and emotional messes in the meantime.

UWhatNow · 25/02/2023 18:28

Stay firm op. You’re doing the right thing. They all have their own agendas for texting those things but you’re in charge of your own destiny now. They can say those things because they don’t have to live with it. Keep reminding yourself of why you’ve made that important decision for a better life for you and your dc and know that you do not need to explain yourself to anyone.

Donnashair · 25/02/2023 18:30

Tell her to stop trying to get you to take him back. If she doesn’t, block her for a bit.

It doesn’t matter if she would stay with an abusive drunk. That’s not the brag she thinks it is.

You did the right thing. But yeah, RL support is difficult to find. My own parents thought I was being out of order too.

AnyFucker · 25/02/2023 18:31

We support you. We believe in you. You deserve more than this, any woman does.

Other people like to keep the status who because it suits them and don’t seem to mind if you get thrown under the bus

Stay strong, stick to your principles and don’t let history repeat itself with respect to what your kids are expected to tolerate just for the sake of a relationship,

DashboardConfessional · 25/02/2023 18:31

Haha. Yeah, it's dawning on her that he's going to want to stay on her sofa and then he's her problem again!

Stay strong OP. Don't waste another day on him.

AnyFucker · 25/02/2023 18:32

Status quo

ThinWomansBrain · 25/02/2023 18:32

Block her - you've enough to cope with without her texts and crying emojis.
Let her know that you're doing it, and why - you can always unblock in a month or so & see if she's gotten enough of a grip to respect your position.
You don't need contact with her to arrange contact - the drop out waster ex can sort that himself if he wants to.
Good luck, hope it goes well.

Eudaimonia5 · 25/02/2023 18:33

Well done OP! Stick to your guns. You're free!!! Yes, like PP have said, we support you. You've done the right thing for you and for your children. You should be so proud of yourself.

Lastnamedidntstick · 25/02/2023 18:34

I'm tempted to block her but I need to contact her to discuss logistics like child visitation and giving him his stuff back

no, you don’t. It’s between you and your ex, none of her business.

if he wants his stuff back or to see his kids let him sort it. Leaver her out of it.

Pippylongstock · 25/02/2023 18:34

You have 100% done the right thing. He sounds awful and abusive. I think you will have to accept the relationship with his mother is now just going to be about logistics. Ignore the rest, including the emotional blackmail. She probably wants him out of her house. I’m afraid women are judged regardless of what they do and you are going to have to start ignoring all the comments. I really hope you get the freedom and peace you deserve.

Original poster
MissHoneysHappyEnding · 25/02/2023 18:51

Thank you all so much. The bits which I'm struggling with aren't what I expected to be difficult. I'm struggling with telling anyone and the three people I have told haven't been overly supportive. My children are being amazing, strong and understanding. And they're both under 8!

OP posts:
DivorcingEU · 25/02/2023 19:00

Don't worry about the other people (easier said than fine, I know!) because you're the one who's lived with him for years.

As for his DM, of course she wanted him to stay with you - easier to "support you" than have to live with him! 😉

You've done the right thing. Don't doubt yourself.

DivorcingEU · 25/02/2023 19:00

*done

xJoy · 25/02/2023 19:03

DashboardConfessional · 25/02/2023 18:31

Haha. Yeah, it's dawning on her that he's going to want to stay on her sofa and then he's her problem again!

Stay strong OP. Don't waste another day on him.

This.

Like you didn't endure 20 years of his behaviour. You must want out for another man!??!?

I'd reply ''no, too ground down after your son, maybe in twenty years''

dapsnotplimsolls · 25/02/2023 19:04

Lots of support on here.

WhiteFire · 25/02/2023 19:09

OP - are you the same poster who's DH got very drunk on Christmas Day?

You have done the right thing in kicking him out.

Sparklesocks · 25/02/2023 19:10

Well done for finding the strength. Behind you 100%.

It’s none of his mother’s business and she has no right to ask you questions like that. Even if you were seeing someone else it would be nothing to do with her. Either ignore her texts or block her and keep the visitation stuff between you and your ex. She knows what he’s like and it’s fine that she’s upset, but you’re not her outlet to express that.

Galadriel90 · 25/02/2023 19:13

She wants him out of her house and back at yours OP. Don't buckle, you can do this.

mcmooberry · 25/02/2023 19:14

Well done for saying enough! If you were my friend IRL I would be right behind you. Just ignore the lot of them, his mum probably wants him out of her hair.

I think the more common cause of not leaving is not being able to afford to, I thought this was going to be about that. I am always so happy on threads where it's apparent the poster CAN afford to leave an awful situation.

Maybe he WILL change, but not in 24 hours!

Bonbon21 · 25/02/2023 19:15

He has had 20 years of chances.
They are suddenly realising he might just become THEIR problem!
Nobods gets this until they have lived it.
You stay strong for yourself and your kids.. you have this..x

SoMachoHesGottaBe · 25/02/2023 19:16

You’re not wrong, it’s incredibly difficult! When I left my abusive husband my father told me he hoped I knew what I was doing as no one wants a woman with three kids except paedophile so my choices now were either lifelong solitude (also wrong in his opinion for a woman to be alone) or accept that my kids will probably be abused by anyone who takes up with me 🙄

That was the first of many really really shit opinions/advice when I left my
home with nothing but the clothes on my back and three kids under 5.

I never went back though and it was absolutely the right thing to do. Those who weren’t supportive also got left behind, fuck ‘em, life’s too short.

Hooklander · 25/02/2023 19:17

I agree with the other posters saying she's already sick of him and wants to hand him back to you.

Be very, very firm here.

itsgettingweird · 25/02/2023 19:17

Another who supports you.

You don't need validation from others you're doing the right thing.

You just have to remember you have the right to do the right things for you.

Keep going Flowers

SoMachoHesGottaBe · 25/02/2023 19:19

This will be a really testing period for you, but it won’t be any worse than staying would be and it will end before long in the grand scheme of things. You have done the right thing for yourself and for your kids, maybe it will even give your ex the kick up the arse he needs to sort himself out.

I hope you’re doing ok and find the strength you need to keep going, well done for making that decision and following through with it!

YnysMonCrone · 25/02/2023 19:21

I've recently left my Stbxh after 30 years of marriage, the last 14 of which sound similar to your experience OP.
I wish I'd had the strength to leave before but in my head it wasn't quite bad enough and it was easier to stay.
I can see now it wasn't easier. My now adult children are damaged by his drinking and emotional abuse. I should have left for them, not stayed for them.
I'm grateful my MIL is now deceased. She was a kind woman who adored him. He is now in prison. It would have killed her to see what he has become.