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Original poster

Jeez, is it any reason women don't leave?

234 replies

MissHoneysHappyEnding · 25/02/2023 18:23

I ended a 20 year relationship with the father of my children last weekend. He moved out and I blocked him for my own sanity and he was sending awful texts ('tell the kids that I'm dead' etc). I kept lines open with his family as I like them and we have a good relationship. His mum sent me a message a few days earlier saying that he was abusive and she could see how tense he made the house and how the DC's seemed anxious about his moods and behaviour. He drinks too, to excess. On the first day of our holiday with his family last year he drank a whole bottle of whiskey, told us all to fuck off and went AWOL and so we had to spend the whole night looking for him and found him passed out in the street. I told him he needed to get help over and over but living in the house it was just too easy for him to slip back to his usual ways.
So since he went (not voluntarily) his mum has text me twice a day about how upset she is. She let me know that he'd given up drinking for one whole day and I should just let him move back as he 'knows now that you're serious'. I said no, and that he needed to look into long term accommodation options before we are able to sell the house. She has since sent me the 'crying emoji' lots of times and told me that she is devastated and emotional about losing us. Then today, she said 'I need to know if you are seeing someone else' JFC she has seen it all! She has been there! Why am I suddenly the cause? Did she mean to support me all those years, acknowledge the pain her son was causing but never actually mean for me to leave?
I'm tempted to block her but I need to contact her to discuss logistics like child visitation and giving him his stuff back.
This is on top of my mums first suggestion of 'can you live together for financial reasons but not as a couple?' and 'I don't think you'll be able to keep up with the mortgage on your own' plus my elder relatives general 'well I think marriages should last forever, through thick and thin' bullshit.
I don't feel like I have anyone who actually supports me. I feel like it's all STILL about him and his needs, even though I've done all that I can. I was a mug for way too long.
I'm finding it hard to feel happy and positive about my future, which I did when I made the decision to say no, because no one seems to believe in me or think that I'm worth more than this shit relationship.

OP posts:
starsparkle08 · 25/02/2023 19:22

You’ve done the right thing 100% and yes I’d block his mother

ReneBumsWombats · 25/02/2023 19:22

You are of course doing the right thing.

It's not that they think you aren't worth more. They're upset about the upheaval and all the sadness of the situation. They'll have to do their grieving like you did. If they're good to you usually then I'm sure they'll come around.

Good for you for getting out.

Iam4eels · 25/02/2023 19:23

If I knew you IRL I'd be at your door with a roll of bin bags for his shit and a bottle of wine for us to drink while we pack it up. Fuck him, fuck his mother, fuck the poor choices he made that led to this. None of it is your fault, he is a grown man and he is in charge of his own actions - if he cared, he'd have made the effort to change and the fact he didn't says it all.

You gave him the last 20 years of your life, don't let his bullshit dominate the next 20 by caving in and taking him back.

I remember when my dear old dad tried to murder my mum (yay, families are fun) and she had people telling her how sorry he was, how he'd learned his lesson, and how she should take him back....

In conclusion: people are dicks, you're doing the right thing, head up and brazen it out.

Regularsizedrudy · 25/02/2023 19:23

Sounds like he’s texting off her phone

Merangutan · 25/02/2023 19:24

He’s had plenty of chances and assumed he could treat you as shittily as he wanted without you ever drawing a line and saying ‘Enough - I want better than this - find someone else who will be happy to accept you as a partner.’ Now that’s he’s lost you, he’s miserable and sad so of course he also has to try to drag you back in there with him.

Breakups are hard for for everyone involved as they cause a big upheaval and it’s often easier to keep slogging along trying to force things so work than to accept the inevitable messiness that comes when a long relationship runs its course and intertwined lives have to extract each other. She’s sad because it’s unsettling for her too.

But you can’t be with someone purely to avoid upset or to make him and his mum feel better. You deserve a fulfilling partnership and he wasn’t providing one. It’s not one way. You did the right thing.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 25/02/2023 19:25

A friend of mine left her abusive husband. His mum had in turn left his abusive dad, but she was upset with my friend because her son 'had some good in him.' 🙄

You've done the right thing OP

Original poster
MissHoneysHappyEnding · 25/02/2023 19:34

Thank you all so much, I'm just reading the comments over and over to myself. I'm stuck between two families who don't get it.
I told my mum that the way I was going to manage the mortgage was by selling up, buying a two bed in the country and living a fantastic life. I don't care if I sleep on a sofa bed forever in the living room if I don't have to dread the sound of his key in the door or have the school calling me about my daughter crying because 'daddy shouts at mummy and she cries'. My mum said 'you don't want to downsize, darling, think of the clutter'.
My STBX in laws are all ''ee's just lost. Ee's sensitive really. Ee loves those kids.'
Listening to Chaka Khan and making a fish finger sandwich. I know I made the right choice.

OP posts:
MachineBee · 25/02/2023 19:35

Unfortunately families don’t like things to change as it shines a light on their own relationships.

Stay firm OP - it’ll come good for you and your DCs. You’ll realise that you can find help and support that doesn’t come with as many emotional strings attached. You don’t need help from anyone who just wants you to back down and make life easier for them.

Rainbowqueeen · 25/02/2023 19:37

You and your DC deserve better.

I would send her a message saying that you have made this decision after a lot of thought and that you will not be changing your mind. Tell her that you understand that she needs time to process it and that while she does that you would appreciate it if she made no comments to you about your decision or else you will have to have a period of no contact with her while she comes to terms with it. Suggest she speaks to Al-anon about her feelings.

You’ve done the right thing. Your DC will thank you one day. They are just children and they need the adults in their lives to put them first. Bravo to you for doing that

picklemewalnuts · 25/02/2023 19:39

You know what? You're awesome.

You're surrounded by idiots, and you aren't letting them get you down.

Tell your MiL that you have enough to worry about keeping you and the kids safe, that you don't want to hear anymore about him. Ask her to please not fuck up her future relationships with your kids by pressuring you to take him back.

Tell your mum she may prefer her GDC to live with an abusive drunk, but you want better for them.

ButterflyOil · 25/02/2023 19:40

Offering my support as well. As others have said- This is sometimes a really horrible part of life - when you make a positive chance and free yourself from an oppressive situation, it seems rational, kind and logical that the people around you (not him!) would be delighted and support you. But often they aren’t supportive because your positive change threatens them in some way. Could be for a number of reasons but often it’s because it forces them to confront whatever it is they aren’t changing in their life. Instead of dealing with that they try and put you back in your box so they can feel more comfortable about staying in theirs.

Often it’s not done consciously but is a result of just denial and shit they won’t and can’t confront. I know it’s hard but try not to take that personally as it’s about them not you.

Stay strong, you’ve done the right thing for yourself and your kids.

Summerfun54321 · 25/02/2023 19:40

All you need to say to others (including family) is that you deserve better. No matter what he is promising, you will ALWAYS deserve better than him. He's shown his true colours and he is not good enough for you.

FinallyHere · 25/02/2023 19:46

You have got this @MissHoneysHappyEnding

They would just prefer that you continued to prioritised his and their convenience. Their opinions don't really count for anything.

Just continue to do what's right for you and above all your DC. All the very best.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/02/2023 19:47

You sound strong, sure and fab to me op and have my support, I believe you've done the very best thing for yourself and your children.

Continue to do what you need to protect yourself and your new found peace, if that means blocking MIL then do so, just be civil and no one can have a valid reason to be short with you.

LolaMoon · 25/02/2023 19:49

AnyFucker · 25/02/2023 18:31

We support you. We believe in you. You deserve more than this, any woman does.

Other people like to keep the status who because it suits them and don’t seem to mind if you get thrown under the bus

Stay strong, stick to your principles and don’t let history repeat itself with respect to what your kids are expected to tolerate just for the sake of a relationship,

Well said! I support you too. You've done the right thing. Dont waver- stay strong.

CryptoFascistMadameCholet · 25/02/2023 19:50

Stay strong!

No doubt in a year or two’s time both your mum and your exMIL will be saying how
much better everything is for the kids now and chastising you for not leaving him
sooner.

Being married to an alcohol is fucking awful - it’s SO much better not having one in the house.

FarmGirl78 · 25/02/2023 19:50

@MissHoneysHappyEnding I'm in a 2½yr relationship and struggling to leave so I really really admire you. Stay strong with your head held high. You're doing this for your kids, not just yourself.

I'm going to get the phrase "Listen to Chaka Khan and make a fish finger sandwich" framed and hung on my living room wall.

Cocobutt · 25/02/2023 19:52

The first thing my gran said to my mum after she got out of hospital (she was there because my dad beat her so badly she almost died) was that my mum was the problem and that she needs to try harder at her marriage.
She even gave my dad a place to stay and refused to speak to my mum until they got back together.
What’s weird is that as soon as they got back together, she’d go on about how much she hated him.

I’m sorry you don’t have support.
We all support you on here.

You’ll look back on this and actually feel even more proud of yourself because you did it without support.

Use this as a push to keep you strong and show them how you can cope on your own as they probably wish they could do.

It might be a long journey but you’ll get there one step at a time.

CryptoFascistMadameCholet · 25/02/2023 19:53

You can always tell MIL you are blocking her for a week so as to concentrate on the kids and not be distracted by the phone going all the time.

If she’s still being a pain in the arse when you unblock, tell her you are having another week to yourself and reblock. Rinse and repeat on the same day of the week every week until she’s willing only talk about the kids and not about your marriage.

Bignanny30 · 25/02/2023 19:55

The fact that the children are supportive is a good reason in itself to stick to your guns, they obviously feel happier and relieved that the tension in the house is gone. It’ll be hard for a while but you and the kids will be so much happier in the long run.

Itisbetter · 25/02/2023 19:55

I think you have made a well thought choice for you and your children. I know several people who’ve made similar moves and had similar reactions from family. It’s easier for them if you don’t split. If that’s all they care about they don’t deserve you. I think it’s going to be so much better by next year. Hold on and find people who get it.

mumyes · 25/02/2023 19:56

Congratulations OP. Brave - and correct - decision, clearly.

Maybe tell his mum you can't handle her messages right now - that you're upset & stressed and the texts upset you more. So can she stop unless it's logistical etc. Or to that effect.

You own bloody mother's comments - JFC!! I despair!

Well done. This might not be easy from here, but we'll done.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 25/02/2023 19:57

"I don't feel like I have anyone who actually supports me. I feel like it's all STILL about him and his needs, even though I've done all that I can. I was a mug for way too long".

For what little it's worth, this random internet stranger supports you. It breaks my heart the number of women who stay in damaging, abusive relationships. I have nothing but the outmost admiration for you making a decision that must have been very difficult but was the only right decision to make. You've shown massive courage to get this far. Stay the course and to hell with anyone who tries to tell you that you've not done the right thing.

hennythe100footbird · 25/02/2023 20:00

@MissHoneysHappyEnding one day I will be your amount of brave, you are an inspiration.

Note: not in an overly abusive relationship, more of a dead one that he's hanging on to. Won't let me leave with DC so am staying as won't leave without them.

You did/are doing the right thing. Stick to your guns. We're all here with you xx

AnyFucker · 25/02/2023 20:00

It says a lot when the kids want shut of him too