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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jeez, is it any reason women don't leave?

234 replies

MissHoneysHappyEnding · 25/02/2023 18:23

I ended a 20 year relationship with the father of my children last weekend. He moved out and I blocked him for my own sanity and he was sending awful texts ('tell the kids that I'm dead' etc). I kept lines open with his family as I like them and we have a good relationship. His mum sent me a message a few days earlier saying that he was abusive and she could see how tense he made the house and how the DC's seemed anxious about his moods and behaviour. He drinks too, to excess. On the first day of our holiday with his family last year he drank a whole bottle of whiskey, told us all to fuck off and went AWOL and so we had to spend the whole night looking for him and found him passed out in the street. I told him he needed to get help over and over but living in the house it was just too easy for him to slip back to his usual ways.
So since he went (not voluntarily) his mum has text me twice a day about how upset she is. She let me know that he'd given up drinking for one whole day and I should just let him move back as he 'knows now that you're serious'. I said no, and that he needed to look into long term accommodation options before we are able to sell the house. She has since sent me the 'crying emoji' lots of times and told me that she is devastated and emotional about losing us. Then today, she said 'I need to know if you are seeing someone else' JFC she has seen it all! She has been there! Why am I suddenly the cause? Did she mean to support me all those years, acknowledge the pain her son was causing but never actually mean for me to leave?
I'm tempted to block her but I need to contact her to discuss logistics like child visitation and giving him his stuff back.
This is on top of my mums first suggestion of 'can you live together for financial reasons but not as a couple?' and 'I don't think you'll be able to keep up with the mortgage on your own' plus my elder relatives general 'well I think marriages should last forever, through thick and thin' bullshit.
I don't feel like I have anyone who actually supports me. I feel like it's all STILL about him and his needs, even though I've done all that I can. I was a mug for way too long.
I'm finding it hard to feel happy and positive about my future, which I did when I made the decision to say no, because no one seems to believe in me or think that I'm worth more than this shit relationship.

OP posts:
LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA · 25/02/2023 20:02

Sorry if somebody else has suggested this, is it definitely her texting you?

MeridianB · 25/02/2023 20:02

Wow.

She knows - and has seen first hand- how awful he is but hasn’t bothered to call him out on any of it. Now she is buying into his lies and wants you to take him back, knowing what this would mean for you and your young children?

She’s a fucking idiot.

Block her now. Don’t hesitate. You deserve respect and peace and a fresh start, not emotional blackmail and disrespect. You do not have to justify yourself to this woman!

Hugs. Stay strong 💐

Bethany7 · 25/02/2023 20:04

We all support you on here O.P.

His mum likely realises he has become more of 'her' problem now. Well that's not your problem. You did more than your bit for many years. Focus on the future, you and your children.
Someone else can babysit your ex now.

Bluetrews25 · 25/02/2023 20:05

You've done the right thing.
We're all with you.
Flowers

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 25/02/2023 20:06

You don't need this shit. Block anyone who gives you shit, emotional blackmail, etc etc without a second thought. They all made their bed they can lie in it him and his Ma.

Stay strong

samqueens · 25/02/2023 20:07

Adding to the voices here - I support you.

well done for being so brave. The people not offering support are thinking of themselves and not if you and the children.

You may find it really useful to connect with Al Anon (it’s not AA - Al Anon is for relatives of alcoholics). Meetings are free and there are lots online, with groups based all over the world, at all hours of the day and night. You’ll find a lot of empathy, commonality and support in that community.

If you haven’t already read it, then Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft may also be an empowering read (easy to download on kindle app).

Hang in there - you are NOT alone 💐

Sleepytimebear · 25/02/2023 20:08

I feel for you, but remember you know your own mind and why you have left him. You dont owe anyone an explanation, you just need to do what is right for you. I went to see my ex husband's family and explained to them why we were splitting. They clearly thought I would change my mind but I rejected all their suggestions (you could withdraw the divorce application - yes that's true but I'm not going to etc) and when I left they knew it was over and never asked again. Generally you're told not to engage, and not to explain yourself to anyone, but I felt this was better to bring things to a close. Do you think it would help you?

2022NewTimes · 25/02/2023 20:09

MissHoneysHappyEnding · 25/02/2023 19:34

Thank you all so much, I'm just reading the comments over and over to myself. I'm stuck between two families who don't get it.
I told my mum that the way I was going to manage the mortgage was by selling up, buying a two bed in the country and living a fantastic life. I don't care if I sleep on a sofa bed forever in the living room if I don't have to dread the sound of his key in the door or have the school calling me about my daughter crying because 'daddy shouts at mummy and she cries'. My mum said 'you don't want to downsize, darling, think of the clutter'.
My STBX in laws are all ''ee's just lost. Ee's sensitive really. Ee loves those kids.'
Listening to Chaka Khan and making a fish finger sandwich. I know I made the right choice.

@MissHoneysHappyEnding Well done for making the decision - he does not get to ruin the rest of your life..... Just make a lovely home with you and your DC's - the relief of not having to walk on eggshells - seeing what mood he is going to come home in - and whether one drink ends up with him drinking the whole bottle - he has enough of your tears....he gets no more.
I am a year out of an 30 year relationship and the peace I have is priceless

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 25/02/2023 20:09

I'd be so tempted to agree with her. "I know it's awful having him live with you. I don't blame you for wanting to get rid. Unfortunately it's taken me 20 years to get rid of him so I hope you manage it in less. I will of course not be taking him back, you sold me a pup the first time, I've learned my lesson." But that's the kind of things for books and not real life. I'd do my best to dig deep and ignore.

mumyes · 25/02/2023 20:10

hennythe100footbird · 25/02/2023 20:00

@MissHoneysHappyEnding one day I will be your amount of brave, you are an inspiration.

Note: not in an overly abusive relationship, more of a dead one that he's hanging on to. Won't let me leave with DC so am staying as won't leave without them.

You did/are doing the right thing. Stick to your guns. We're all here with you xx

This is so sad @hennythe100footbird

Hope you're ok

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/02/2023 20:10

Galadriel90 · 25/02/2023 19:13

She wants him out of her house and back at yours OP. Don't buckle, you can do this.

Exactly this.

I support you, OP. Block her and anyone else who's not helpful. You owe it to your kids to keep that abusive waster out of your house.

Have you contacted Women's Aid?

thefurriesthen · 25/02/2023 20:10

I was your children (almost 32 years ago) - and I wish my mum had been as strong as you are. My memory is peppered with images of my dad being aggressive after drinking, being piled into the car after dark to go and find him at the local pub, my mum being thrown down the stairs etc. etc. And then - sadly - her developing her own drinking problems, which - of course- made things so much better!

You're a legend. Stay strong and look forward to the day your grown kids turn around and tell you how effing proud they are of you. That's all.

humancalculator · 25/02/2023 20:11

OP, you are brave, decisive, and absolutely on the right path. Stay strong. Blast the Chaka Khan. To hell with the flying monkeys. You have got this right, and you're doing the best thing for you and your children. Carry on.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 25/02/2023 20:15

Support and solidarity from me, too.

You have done the right thing, and I'm afraid you have to try to ignore the people who say otherwise (hard when they are family members, but they are still wrong).

You have made a choice which will make your life better, and the lives of your children. A small house in which you are never walking on eggshells is worth it a million times over (been there, done that).

Wombats67 · 25/02/2023 20:16

I've never been able to find it again but there's a Noel Gallagher interview where he said he just saw things clearly one morning. He looked around at his shit friends & decided that things had to change. It was hilarious & hit the nail right on the head how he phrased it.

Total solidarity here, I'm getting treated poorly by family but expected to suck it up & just put up with it. Nope, fed up, had enough, want a peaceful, drama-free existence.

Sounds like mil wants to ship him back to you!

hennythe100footbird · 25/02/2023 20:16

@mumyes all fine lovely, I'm safe and well as is DC, just in awe of OP's bravery 🥰

fantasmasgoria1 · 25/02/2023 20:17

My second long term ex is an alcoholic etc His mother used to say he behaved awfully, he would call her , cause an argument and swear at her, was verbally and physically abusive toward me etc she knew how he behaved toward me and very often said that she did not know how I put up with him and if it was her she would end things. When I did end it I was to blame, I was the most awful person on earth. How dare you leave a mentally ill man she said!!!!!

Unicorney · 25/02/2023 20:21

I suspect the reality is she doesn't want him living back with her, but instead of being honest with her son is going for what she perceives as the easier option of trying to emotionally blackmail you into taking him back- aka validation he is terrible and she actually agrees I suspect.

Sounds like you've absolutely done the right thing, I left an abusive ex and it was harder than I thought, I did feel free after a while but like you it was bits I didn't expect to struggle with thay were the worst. Take it a day at a time, you've taken the first step to a new chapter which is great for you and importantly for your children too.

Emotionalsupportviper · 25/02/2023 20:24

DashboardConfessional · 25/02/2023 18:31

Haha. Yeah, it's dawning on her that he's going to want to stay on her sofa and then he's her problem again!

Stay strong OP. Don't waste another day on him.

This!

Don't weaken - you have had 20 years of trying to help this man to help himself and he wouldn't. He didn't;t care enough about you or his children to do anything about his drinking.

You have taken a huge step to free yourself - don't go back now.

Let his mother deal with him - or better, let him deal with himself.

BetaMom · 25/02/2023 20:28

Stay strong OP.

Your in laws may also just want rid of him. They know that if you don’t take him back, they’re going to have to deal with his moods and his abuse. They’re probably terrified at the prospect of having to host him long term / bring him back into their family unit.

that’s not your problem anymore though!!

Sillyname63 · 25/02/2023 20:29

Message his mother and gives her a time and date for him to collect his stuff, tell her you wish to keep communication open between her and your children on the condition that she acknowledges that your relationship with her son is over, and for most part she stays neutral no more guilt tripping you with sad emoji .
stay strong for your own sanity and the good of your children.

Monsun · 25/02/2023 20:30

ButterflyOil · 25/02/2023 19:40

Offering my support as well. As others have said- This is sometimes a really horrible part of life - when you make a positive chance and free yourself from an oppressive situation, it seems rational, kind and logical that the people around you (not him!) would be delighted and support you. But often they aren’t supportive because your positive change threatens them in some way. Could be for a number of reasons but often it’s because it forces them to confront whatever it is they aren’t changing in their life. Instead of dealing with that they try and put you back in your box so they can feel more comfortable about staying in theirs.

Often it’s not done consciously but is a result of just denial and shit they won’t and can’t confront. I know it’s hard but try not to take that personally as it’s about them not you.

Stay strong, you’ve done the right thing for yourself and your kids.

100% This ^

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 25/02/2023 20:32

My mum left my dad when I was 7. I am so glad she did! No more fear and tense and shouting. You're making the best choice for all of you.

Ellie56 · 25/02/2023 20:34

I believe in you OP and you and your children are worth so much more than this useless drunk and shit relationship. Don't let his family or your mother get to you.

You've done the hard bit by throwing him out. Now onwards and upwards. You can do it!

Theunamedcat · 25/02/2023 20:35

MissHoneysHappyEnding · 25/02/2023 19:34

Thank you all so much, I'm just reading the comments over and over to myself. I'm stuck between two families who don't get it.
I told my mum that the way I was going to manage the mortgage was by selling up, buying a two bed in the country and living a fantastic life. I don't care if I sleep on a sofa bed forever in the living room if I don't have to dread the sound of his key in the door or have the school calling me about my daughter crying because 'daddy shouts at mummy and she cries'. My mum said 'you don't want to downsize, darling, think of the clutter'.
My STBX in laws are all ''ee's just lost. Ee's sensitive really. Ee loves those kids.'
Listening to Chaka Khan and making a fish finger sandwich. I know I made the right choice.

Ahhh yes the but he LOVES YOUUUUUU and the old drama about how much he luuurves his kids

Not as much as the bottle

Honestly my ex (no kids thank goodness) tried hitting me I duck and he breaks his hand my mother (my OWN BIRTH MOTHER) tries to convince 19 year old me to stay with him I ended up getting back with him so he could abuse me some more even now she speaks fondly of him how lovely he was how much he loved me how I missed out etc etc

FUCK THAT SHIT