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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jeez, is it any reason women don't leave?

234 replies

MissHoneysHappyEnding · 25/02/2023 18:23

I ended a 20 year relationship with the father of my children last weekend. He moved out and I blocked him for my own sanity and he was sending awful texts ('tell the kids that I'm dead' etc). I kept lines open with his family as I like them and we have a good relationship. His mum sent me a message a few days earlier saying that he was abusive and she could see how tense he made the house and how the DC's seemed anxious about his moods and behaviour. He drinks too, to excess. On the first day of our holiday with his family last year he drank a whole bottle of whiskey, told us all to fuck off and went AWOL and so we had to spend the whole night looking for him and found him passed out in the street. I told him he needed to get help over and over but living in the house it was just too easy for him to slip back to his usual ways.
So since he went (not voluntarily) his mum has text me twice a day about how upset she is. She let me know that he'd given up drinking for one whole day and I should just let him move back as he 'knows now that you're serious'. I said no, and that he needed to look into long term accommodation options before we are able to sell the house. She has since sent me the 'crying emoji' lots of times and told me that she is devastated and emotional about losing us. Then today, she said 'I need to know if you are seeing someone else' JFC she has seen it all! She has been there! Why am I suddenly the cause? Did she mean to support me all those years, acknowledge the pain her son was causing but never actually mean for me to leave?
I'm tempted to block her but I need to contact her to discuss logistics like child visitation and giving him his stuff back.
This is on top of my mums first suggestion of 'can you live together for financial reasons but not as a couple?' and 'I don't think you'll be able to keep up with the mortgage on your own' plus my elder relatives general 'well I think marriages should last forever, through thick and thin' bullshit.
I don't feel like I have anyone who actually supports me. I feel like it's all STILL about him and his needs, even though I've done all that I can. I was a mug for way too long.
I'm finding it hard to feel happy and positive about my future, which I did when I made the decision to say no, because no one seems to believe in me or think that I'm worth more than this shit relationship.

OP posts:
LifeunderMarrs · 26/02/2023 01:00

Listening to Chaka Khan and making a fish finger sandwich. I know I made the right choice.

Quote of the year for me on Mumsnet! I think you're going to be fine OP!

CryptoFascistMadameCholet · 26/02/2023 01:22

Trying to imagine how fabulous a cake it would have to be to make up for 20 years of being married to an alcoholic and nope. I got nothing…

Unless it’s 5 tiers of solid gold bullion?

autienotnaughty · 26/02/2023 03:57

You have made the right choice. You have role modelled to your children what is acceptable and what is not. Stick to your guns and block mil if you can or say "I'm not discussing it with you " you don't have to justify your actions to anyone.

UnexpectedMorrisDancer · 26/02/2023 04:09

As someone who grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who refused to leave, not only do I support you, I applaud you!
What an amazing mum you are. When everyone else is trying to convince you to take him back, just picture your lovely new house in the country, and instead of your children growing up in fear and having a lifetime of not feeling good enough, they will be joyous and confident people, with a happy and stress-free mum.

milkyaqua · 26/02/2023 04:16

Then today, she said 'I need to know if you are seeing someone else'

That is so offensive.

JFC she has seen it all! She has been there! Why am I suddenly the cause? Did she mean to support me all those years, acknowledge the pain her son was causing but never actually mean for me to leave?

Looks like it. She can support him now.

Good on you for getting out. Other people don't like change. You know what you've lived with, put up with, and even if the whole world outside this thread thinks otherwise, we believe you and we support your courage and strength.

CuntyMcBollocks · 26/02/2023 05:08

Good for you for standing your ground OP. The terrible advice you're unfortunately receiving from others is because it makes life easier for THEM, without thinking of what's best for you and your kids.

Stay strong... you're doing the right thing.

LadyJ2023 · 26/02/2023 05:39

It won't be anything bad you know from mum.if he is there spouting a ton of stuff to her and drip feeding her she probably feels stuck in the middle and not knowing who to believe.dont get to mad at her...but well done for getting yourself out of the situation stay strong , stick to your plan your doing great and once your all settled back down and emotionally healed you will find someone worthy of you. So maybe it's worth seeing if you can see his mum alone and saying how you feel because it sounds like she has always been decent. And then if it continues badly from her after the chat I can totally then understand the blocking and cutting off. Take care your doing really well 🙂

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 26/02/2023 06:05

You are doing the right thing and sound like an amazing mum Flowers

gettingalifttothestation · 26/02/2023 07:19

Keep going. You did the right thing. People don't like it when you finally put a stop to shit they want to keep the status quo. Stay strong and keep positive people around you. Phase the others out you don't need their negativity

emptythelitterbox · 26/02/2023 07:52

You are doing the right thing! You'll get heaps of support on here whenever you need it. Someone is nearly always around.

Mum, of course doesn't what his drunken arse on her sofa until the end of eternity. There are options other than you or her. He can GTFU and get a room share or rent a place.

Block his arse if you need to for awhile to save your sanity.
I didn't see that you are married to him so you owe him nothing.

It's also not your job to handle and facilitate seeing the kids. That's his job and his alone. So let him contact to you arrange the pick up and days and that doesn't mean coming over to yours hanging around to see the kids hoping you'll still feed him. Give him an email address to use and block him everywhere else. Ignore everything except for when and where he is picking up dropping off the kids.

These arseholes are throwing poison darts at you daily trying to wear you down. No wonder you're frazzled.
Block them and focus on yourself and the kids.
After a few weeks or months, then consider if you want to talk to them again and they'll know to behave themselves or they'll get cut off again.

Sceptre86 · 26/02/2023 08:01

She's a mother and will sprays support her own child and that isn't you. Your own mum, I can't understand. She should be in your corner. For what it's worth I think you are doing the right thing and have put up with him for long enough.

Sceptre86 · 26/02/2023 08:02

*always even

Nottodaysausage · 26/02/2023 08:22

My family did this when I left my exh. Apart from my older sister who just sort of vaguely said I had to do what makes me happy, but didn't offer any support other than that.
My mum and dad for some reason didn't think I would manage without a man, despite me being fully independent before I met the exh.

Usually people who try to push you to stay in abusive or awful relationships are absolutely terrified of being alone themselves.

Keep going OP 💪

MeridianB · 26/02/2023 08:38

The text is so weird. Cake?

Did you have any agreement to drop the children there today? If not I’d just ignore.

littleburn · 26/02/2023 08:41

I support you OP! You are 100% doing the right thing getting yourself and your children out of this awful situation. You sound very strong and determined - keep going and get your lovely 2 bed house and new life!

It's crap when the people who should have your back don't. I had the same when I left my exH, but what kept me focused was just knowing I was doing the right thing for me and my DC. Everyone else's opinion was just background noise and, ultimately, you can't live your life dependent on the approval of others. You're the one breaking the mould and refusing to spend your life in a miserable relationship. Bloody good for you for doing that!

strawberry2017 · 26/02/2023 08:44

Stay strong you are doing the right thing and you are doing amazing.
Anyone who doesn't support you must be mad!

TicketEnforcement · 26/02/2023 09:33

Nothing will change if you don't stick to your boundaries

Littlepicker · 26/02/2023 18:22

F@ck them all! Move onwards and upwards, it’s your life… tip ‘em all bollocks! Good luck xx

SaponificationQueen · 26/02/2023 18:28

i went through a similar situation many years ago. Abusive drunk husband. Tbh, I did my share of drinking too. We went back and forth many times over the course of 7 years. Finally, I had enough of being a punching bag and got clean and sober. I got restraining orders and filed for divorce. I have not looked back.

I had the support of his parents and mine. Fortunately, I didn’t have anyone saying I should let him come back after being sober for one day. You absolutely should not let him back until and unless he goes through rehab — not just to get you back, but because he genuinely wants to be sober. And that’s only if you genuinely want him back. You get to choose for yourself and your children; no one else gets to make that decision for you.

I’ve been sober over 36 years now, him, not so much. I’ve learned some stuff over the years about him that made me very glad I didn’t stay with him. His behavior escalated. He did time in prison for felony domestic violence, and some other things.

Anyone that drinks an entire bottle of whiskey and is found passed out in in street is very far gone in their addiction and needs more than 1 day sober to break that cycle. Stand firm in your beliefs. Your children will be feeling the effects of an alcoholic parent for the rest of their lives. You and the children will have a long road ahead yourselves.

MrsJaxTeller3 · 26/02/2023 18:28

@MissHoneysHappyEnding
I feel like I need to say this and you can hate me for it if you want.
I've been your kids. You've made the right choice for all of you.

Oohoohwee · 26/02/2023 18:32

I believe in you OP! And you are definitely worth more than this relationship. The people around you are projecting their own fears onto you. They don’t have your strength. Sending moral support. ❤️

Desperatetomotivate · 26/02/2023 18:35

I relate to this so much, my exs family were always very insular. We broke up after 12 years as he was abusive in EVERY WAY. Finally I was free. His mum decided I was a b%^*#h as “I cut him off and didn’t emotionally support him after we broke up”. Imagine raising a human who abuses woman and then being angry at his victims. She is truly a POS.

Motherland2624 · 26/02/2023 18:38

Sounds like my own situation 21 years together
throw in a rape
and his and my family asking me if I’m sure it’s rape and I’m sure he didn’t mean it !!

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 26/02/2023 18:43

well done OP, I support and believe in you - same as many others on this thread.

Al anon will also help you, and Women's Aid too.

MMAS · 26/02/2023 18:43

Be careful on text - you don't know if he has control of your MIL's phone. Likewise, he will try to get to you through your family.. If you don't have a lawyer yet, you need to get one quickly. So sorry you are going through this.

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