Jeez, is it any reason women don't leave?

[MissHoneysHappyEnding]

I ended a 20 year relationship with the father of my children last weekend. He moved out and I blocked him for my own sanity and he was sending awful texts ('tell the kids that I'm dead' etc). I kept lines open with his family as I like them and we have a good relationship. His mum sent me a message a few days earlier saying that he was abusive and she could see how tense he made the house and how the DC's seemed anxious about his moods and behaviour. He drinks too, to excess. On the first day of our holiday with his family last year he drank a whole bottle of whiskey, told us all to fuck off and went AWOL and so we had to spend the whole night looking for him and found him passed out in the street. I told him he needed to get help over and over but living in the house it was just too easy for him to slip back to his usual ways.
So since he went (not voluntarily) his mum has text me twice a day about how upset she is. She let me know that he'd given up drinking for one whole day and I should just let him move back as he 'knows now that you're serious'. I said no, and that he needed to look into long term accommodation options before we are able to sell the house. She has since sent me the 'crying emoji' lots of times and told me that she is devastated and emotional about losing us. Then today, she said 'I need to know if you are seeing someone else' JFC she has seen it all! She has been there! Why am I suddenly the cause? Did she mean to support me all those years, acknowledge the pain her son was causing but never actually mean for me to leave?
I'm tempted to block her but I need to contact her to discuss logistics like child visitation and giving him his stuff back.
This is on top of my mums first suggestion of 'can you live together for financial reasons but not as a couple?' and 'I don't think you'll be able to keep up with the mortgage on your own' plus my elder relatives general 'well I think marriages should last forever, through thick and thin' bullshit.
I don't feel like I have anyone who actually supports me. I feel like it's all STILL about him and his needs, even though I've done all that I can. I was a mug for way too long.
I'm finding it hard to feel happy and positive about my future, which I did when I made the decision to say no, because no one seems to believe in me or think that I'm worth more than this shit relationship.

in the same boat ish, don’t go back, I support you ❤️

Can you simply ask the people who are urging you to stay with him the same thing you asked us. Tell them there is no longer a marriage. Because a marriage is between two people and you are tired of doing the work of two. You are more valuable than to live that way for another 20 years. If your MIL asks if you are seeing someone else explain to her you're seeing yourself and you're putting her first.

You've got this, OP

Sadly OP. Some mothers will always stay ok side by their own. No matter of what they did was so bad. The mothers will be head over their heels with their sons. I have a friend who always confined with her mother in law about her husband and I just go "why?!"- push come to shove, whatever her husband does the mother in law will always defend here.

The MIL is not dealing with what your going though day in and day out. Keep to your guns. You can do this.

Support from me too. I kicked alcoholic DH out 6 months ago. Last heard from exMIL about 4 months ago when she called me a gold digger.
The next few months will be hard but you're 100% doing the right thing for yourself and your children.

Another randomer on the Internet saying I support you.

Your MIL has has realised she's now stuck with her drunken abusive son and wants shot of him pronto. Straight back to you is the easiest option for her to try, so she's going for it.

I'm so sorry for you and your children being subjected to his shit. I really admire your courage to put your children first and protect them.

Well done you!!

Talk to as many people as you can about what has happened, I’ve found that more people than you realise will be on your side plus it gets easier each time you tell it. Maybe AlAnon would help as well?

I hope you can now live your best life!

Christ alive - I can only think that people just dont like change and that is the reason for the shit you are getting. You are absolutely right to be doing what you are, best of luck to you. You and your children will have much better lives because of your actions.

Good for you OP. My ex MIL was the same. Complained about her son to me. How she’d never hear from him unless he wanted something. I’d keep in contact with her and check how she was doing. Invite her round for dinner. Take her flowers on Mother’s Day when he refused to get out of his bed to go see her. Buy her birthday/Christmas presents when he’d get her nothing. Then I ended my marriage five years ago and she never spoke to me again. Bad mouthed me to all and sundry about how she thought I expected too much from him and ‘men just don’t do these things’ like taking care of children and housework etc. Told people that I’d probably been having an affair when he was the one sending dick pics to young women he worked with (which she knew about but pretended she didn’t). He’s now back living with his parents and she’s back to doing everything for him. She’s always enabled him and it’s easier for her to paint me as unreasonable than accept she and her husband did a bad job of raising him. Don’t let either family make you feel guilty. My kids never missed their father either which speaks volumes. Stay strong. You’re doing great.

I get you, op. I left my ex “D” H after realising he was a cocaine addict. After I left he assaulted me in front of our children; my then 13-year old daughter pulled him off me and I ran out of the house while he pursued me through the village where we lived. I genuinely thought he would kill me. My daughter called the police and he was charged. My brother and sister-in-law told me I should drop the charges so that he wouldn’t lose his high-flying job.

"Hi Mil, as you know I've spent the last 20 years in an increasingly abusive marriage with your son. You even commented that his behaviour is causing anxiety in the children. You have not only witnessed but helped me deal with the problems that his alcohol misuse is causing. After 20 years of tolerance I have reached the point where I can no longer continue with this relationship, for my sake or for the dc. I am devastated that your first reaction is to question me as to if I am seeing anyone else. Believe me, it will be a long time before I can trust another man with my emotions.
I would like to think that I can count on you for support going forward - practical and emotional - as we navigate the future. All the best, OP'

I also agree that people who aren't being supportive probably are afraid to look too closely at their own lives. My MIL always minimised my FILs drinking and she'd never admit that it had a bad affect on her children. It's easier to call her two exDILs gold diggers that to admit that 2 of her sons have problems with substance abuse.

I want to stand up and shout 'Spartacus!!'. I support you and you made the right decision.

His mother doesn't want him landing on her porch, which he will (if he hasn't already).

Your mother doesn't want you landing on her porch, which you won't since you've got your plan.

Your elder relatives are either stuck in miserable marriages and think everyone should make the same decision or they're in happy marriages and have no idea how soul destroying a bad marriage is.

Bottom line, ignore them and listen to yourself. You've got this!

Well done for getting out and not putting up with this horrible man. You dont know what things he could be telling her to try and manipulate her to think its your fault (‘your seeing someone else’).You would like to think shes got her own mind and wont fall for it. Tell her you will only have communication with her if if involves discussing the kids/visiting arrangements etc. I would tell her firmly its over and you will have to block her if there are any further messages like that.

THIS 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

I changed names for this admission...

I've been trying to leave my husband for 3 years. We've been together 13. It's hard. I have a almost 3 year old and 4 year old. I talked to my parents who have been unhappily married for 45 years and they were upset about it. Talked about the psychological impact in my children. How I'm a mum and meant to do everything without acknowledgement or appreciation because that's my job. Also, reminded me that he doesn't hit me, take drugs or womanise so I should be happy. Anyhow, I still haven't managed it. I think the idea of my kids hurt sad faces makes me put my own feelings aside.

Anyway on your AIBU. You are being brave and string. You deserve better and your kids deserve to see better. His mum is probably upset that she has to live with his nonsense now. Also no one likes change. Things will settle down. I'm sure you'll enjoy your peaceful life in the countryside. Better to be alone than lonely in your own home with an abusive arsehole. Good luck @MissHoneysHappyEnding

I'm smiling (sorry) because it's so bloody similar to what I went through with ex and ex MIL. Even down to the excessive drinking. When he was here he 'needed to get himself sorted' and 'its not fair on you or the baby'.
He was arrested and dragged out. Went to his mother's and she was not happy! Oh he's sorry, he loves you... blah fucking blah.
I believe in you. Tell them all to get fucked. Block the mother. Let him use a mediator or solicitor. Tell your mother you'll get on with your plans, without her input. Tell the elders it's not 1940 anymore and no one has to put up with shit.
And well done. I hope you're all happy in your country house. Pay no attention to fools.

I'm so sorry BOTH families are doing this to you, while you do what's right in the face of an abuser.

Please ring Women's Aid. They can help support you in ways we, online, can't.

In the mean time, you don't know me, but I support you wholeheartedly. I've also been where you are (more than once).

My in laws were like this when i left their alcoholic waste of space son. Initially they were fully supportive of me and that he was in the wrong and they wouldnt blame me for leaving. The week after i did their tune changed. Them, and their waste of space son went NC with my kids 8 years ago, 3 months after i left him, and we are all much better off for it

Of course she wants you to take him back. That would be the easiest thing for her so she doesn’t have to put up with him. She is now seeing how hard it is to live with an abusive drunk.

You have done the absolute best thing for yourself and your children. Anyone who thinks you should put up with it just for the sake of not rocking the boat, or making things easier financially does not have your or your children’s best interests at heart.

This is exactly the kind of thing I imagine would happen if I ever left my partner. The absolute cheek of your MIL.
You've made the first step to a free life.
Stay strong OP . Proud of you

Everyone not being supportive has their own agendas. Your mother’s worried you won’t be able to cope financially without him, and doesn’t want to be the one who might have to help you with money. His mother clearly knows that now he’s no longer your problem, he becomes her problem. You are absolutely doing the right thing - don’t let them grind you down. Stay strong OP x

I think the idea of my kids hurt sad faces makes me put my own feelings aside.

@Confession22 Please don't put off leaving your H any longer. My Dad told me the story, before he died, of how I was in tears the day he finally got up the courage to leave my Mum, and how utterly devastated he was. I was 10.

The thing is- I don't remember that, at all. My poor Dad, who'd put up with so much from my mother, had been carrying that burden for nearly 40 years, and I had no idea. I was heartbroken that he'd carried it for so long, when it wasn't even something I could remember doing. Your children will be fine, at their ages.

And to the OP- I am yet another stranger on the internet who is standing right behind you, supporting you. Stay strong.