Jeez, is it any reason women don't leave?

[MissHoneysHappyEnding]

I ended a 20 year relationship with the father of my children last weekend. He moved out and I blocked him for my own sanity and he was sending awful texts ('tell the kids that I'm dead' etc). I kept lines open with his family as I like them and we have a good relationship. His mum sent me a message a few days earlier saying that he was abusive and she could see how tense he made the house and how the DC's seemed anxious about his moods and behaviour. He drinks too, to excess. On the first day of our holiday with his family last year he drank a whole bottle of whiskey, told us all to fuck off and went AWOL and so we had to spend the whole night looking for him and found him passed out in the street. I told him he needed to get help over and over but living in the house it was just too easy for him to slip back to his usual ways.
So since he went (not voluntarily) his mum has text me twice a day about how upset she is. She let me know that he'd given up drinking for one whole day and I should just let him move back as he 'knows now that you're serious'. I said no, and that he needed to look into long term accommodation options before we are able to sell the house. She has since sent me the 'crying emoji' lots of times and told me that she is devastated and emotional about losing us. Then today, she said 'I need to know if you are seeing someone else' JFC she has seen it all! She has been there! Why am I suddenly the cause? Did she mean to support me all those years, acknowledge the pain her son was causing but never actually mean for me to leave?
I'm tempted to block her but I need to contact her to discuss logistics like child visitation and giving him his stuff back.
This is on top of my mums first suggestion of 'can you live together for financial reasons but not as a couple?' and 'I don't think you'll be able to keep up with the mortgage on your own' plus my elder relatives general 'well I think marriages should last forever, through thick and thin' bullshit.
I don't feel like I have anyone who actually supports me. I feel like it's all STILL about him and his needs, even though I've done all that I can. I was a mug for way too long.
I'm finding it hard to feel happy and positive about my future, which I did when I made the decision to say no, because no one seems to believe in me or think that I'm worth more than this shit relationship.

Just remember, if you go back, it will only be worse the next time you have to make him leave. Just remember all the things you haven't happened are YETS. See if you can get a U.C loan. You can pay back monthly to tie you through. Don't be afraid to ask for help and take it. I'm not having a go at you. I'm just saying that from my own experience and others I mentor, it never gets better. If he won't discuss the maintsnce, go through the correct channels to get it. He may use maintenance as a manipulative tool

Deep breaths, @MissHoneysHappyEnding

One thing at a time and hopefully much of this hassle will only have to be dealt with once. Each task is another step to a better life. 🤗

@MissHoneysHappyEnding

Remember that these are only temporary things. Soon you'll establish your 'new normal' and things will calm down. At least, they'll calm down a bit. Life is always full of hills and valleys, isn't it?

Do claim CMS rather than try to discuss it with him if at all possible. Unless he volunteers to pay more than the CMS calculator tells you (fat chance, right?) there's no real reason not to, is there? He's probably going to throw a strop either way. But remember, you can put down the phone, block his texts, and lock the door with him on the outside. You no longer have to sit there and 'take it' to keep the peace. Another reason to 'go official' via CMS or a court order is that he can't hold it over your head in order to get his way.

This too shall pass OP

Stick with it, you know you are doing the right thing xx

Things are getting better. I'm in a very stressful job and I actually am finding it's great to take my mind off it. A friend came over last night and it was so great to actually chat to her rather than exdp making grumpy faces and texting me telling me that we're laughing to loud and he needs to go to bed soon. Controlling right?
Kids are generally ok. My dd is having wobbles in the morning but the head is giving her an award for resilience which I think she'll really cherish. She's far from a typical academic child and it'll boost her no end getting an award!

@MissHoneysHappyEnding , OP, my eyes got teary when I'm reading this. Really happy for you to feel being able to just be yourself with no fear; and for your DCs getting the chance to have a fresh start away from their dad's toxic influence. Well done for all of you!

There will be days hard ahead still, all about re-adjust for a balanced life that allows all three of you able to flourish and moving forward. So stay strong and trust yourself - we are with you!

Jesus. Just block her? Why are you entertaining allowing a drunk access to your children long term. Years of emotional damage await them if they are stuck with the millstone of a useless addict in their lives.

I'm so pleased to hear this. You're getting your life back and the children's too. Hang on to those blessings. I wrote a journal every day when my 2nd husband who passed away unexpectedly passed away 5 years ago.

I share that as there are always blessings to find. Finding them and journalling them helped a lot.I hope it's a tool you will use too as the blessings are there in the small more of, mundane things of life.

It doesn't mean you won't have what I call "living grief" as will the children. One day at a time, you have got this

The OP was on about her ex, and what he did when they were still together, not the friend who came over last night.