Jeez, is it any reason women don't leave?

[MissHoneysHappyEnding]

I ended a 20 year relationship with the father of my children last weekend. He moved out and I blocked him for my own sanity and he was sending awful texts ('tell the kids that I'm dead' etc). I kept lines open with his family as I like them and we have a good relationship. His mum sent me a message a few days earlier saying that he was abusive and she could see how tense he made the house and how the DC's seemed anxious about his moods and behaviour. He drinks too, to excess. On the first day of our holiday with his family last year he drank a whole bottle of whiskey, told us all to fuck off and went AWOL and so we had to spend the whole night looking for him and found him passed out in the street. I told him he needed to get help over and over but living in the house it was just too easy for him to slip back to his usual ways.
So since he went (not voluntarily) his mum has text me twice a day about how upset she is. She let me know that he'd given up drinking for one whole day and I should just let him move back as he 'knows now that you're serious'. I said no, and that he needed to look into long term accommodation options before we are able to sell the house. She has since sent me the 'crying emoji' lots of times and told me that she is devastated and emotional about losing us. Then today, she said 'I need to know if you are seeing someone else' JFC she has seen it all! She has been there! Why am I suddenly the cause? Did she mean to support me all those years, acknowledge the pain her son was causing but never actually mean for me to leave?
I'm tempted to block her but I need to contact her to discuss logistics like child visitation and giving him his stuff back.
This is on top of my mums first suggestion of 'can you live together for financial reasons but not as a couple?' and 'I don't think you'll be able to keep up with the mortgage on your own' plus my elder relatives general 'well I think marriages should last forever, through thick and thin' bullshit.
I don't feel like I have anyone who actually supports me. I feel like it's all STILL about him and his needs, even though I've done all that I can. I was a mug for way too long.
I'm finding it hard to feel happy and positive about my future, which I did when I made the decision to say no, because no one seems to believe in me or think that I'm worth more than this shit relationship.

I support you! Your little abode in the country sounds like the peace you and your children deserve not need but deserve!

Stay positive, know that what you are doing is not only for you but for your children. You all deserve more out of life.

Please keep us up dated @MissHoneysHappyEnding

I feel your pain OP. I can see my in laws being like this when i summon the strength to separate from my alcoholic DH. Its just dawning on your mil thats she now got to put up with him and she would rather he be your issue not hers. Stay strong x

Well, gee, golly, wow. Give that man a medal, he quit drinking for one whole day! So, of COURSE, it is all different now. No, OP, you stick to your guns. Yes, you have support. Here, if nowhere else. This is the bottom line, or it was to me when I dumped my alcoholic spouse, "I can do badly right by myself, I don't need the 'help' doing it." You may struggle a bit financially, but the peace of mind will be worth it. Or it was for me.

Well done you and screw everyone else and their selfish skewed view of things. I’ve learnt the hard way that as long as I am happy with my decisions then that’s good enough and I don’t need anyone else to like them. You will discover there are a lot of unhappy and scared people out there who have stayed in awful situations because it was easier, you can sometimes represent the truth they are scared to reach for or the reality they can’t cope with….that can be hard to swallow for some people so don’t worry if your choices don’t go down well. Plus everyone is too selfish focusing on what it means for them. I should imagine his mum is now worried the bad behaviour will all become her problem now; tough and not your problem.

It sounds like you did the right thing for you and your DC. Focus on getting sorted and moving forward with your life. You deserve to be happy and it should be all about you and not him.

I fully support you. Sadly it will be coming from his mouth he will be lying to himself lying to his mother and lying to you. He will do his best to discredit you as a partner you see . Someone has to scapegoat his being rejected even if he completely neglected his whole family that’s the narrative he needs to survive with the least change to his current comfort zone of drinking to escape his responsibilities.

I was a child in that situation . I had night terrors when Dad left ( was kicked out) even though he wrecked our childhood I was so conditioned to the concept of a Daddy just like we r for the Disney Prince or night in shining armour. Sadly they will be entitled narcs who clip womens wings to feel grand. Hopefully there is more awareness now.
The lies my father told about us to create a narrative as Mr Nice guy who wouldn’t harm. To the neighbours it was that my mother had kicked him out as he had cancer crying in our driveway. To his family and family friends it was my mother had a boyfriend who ran off with the money her share of the house. The reality being he moved assets into his mistresses and claimed bankrupty my mother took on the bank and won some of it back but we still ended up homeless. I can remember him whispering go on housing benefit when I cried what will we do . Of course he was cutting us loose and the money was the punishment for daring to reject him.
We did well despite him. My mother reached her full potential even with the motherload because she didn’t have his drama to deal with. She was still in love with him though so he got off lightly and she never bad mouthed him so us children developed a high tolerance for arsehats even my brother. She recently apologised but she was 21 when she met him he was full of lies and charm and 10 yrs older. We have all been charmed.
So on MIL’s of alcoholic womanisers who spend their family time in the pub and being supportive of his dysfunctional distribution of assets. Firstly she knew which side her bread was buttered some of our share probably cushioned her old age support. He was a chip off the old block she had constant affairs that was his childhood normality and he craved his mother. On meeting his mother my Grandma as an adult she was wanting to give away her paintings I wanted to share my creative success all she wanted to discuss was the 3 greedy pigs on the hill whilst chain smoking wrapped in a blanket flirting with my brother . That was how she referred to us. As Greedy pigs a drain I suppose from when we were children . If I met my Dad we had to take him for a foodshop to help out my mum 3 mouths to feed no maintenance. It was as if I was privvy to being a fly on the wall as to how my father , mistress, MIL (gran) spoke of us in private . She had her piece to my face and died a week later she knew it was the last meeting . My face was red hot with outrage but I held my tongue. I was so used to absorbing the shit plus she was a frail elderly grandma in sheep’s clothing talk about Red riding hood needing a rewrite. She was masking for the wolf that would blow our house down. I never did accept a painting.
Things were to unfold later over the years like a gift admittedly a shit one but he’s the gift that keeps on giving and its the new revelations that we find out things like Newspaper articles painting this romantic fiction version my Dad has of who he is and was. To the point of editing out children and other bare faced lies . His family support that version too because its a nicer picture to present. It made me realise the two sides to every story and everyone has their narrative to live by to manifest . So who gets to control your narrative ?
You do now. You get to live in your reality yes at first it will be a shit hit the fan reality but no one gets to hoodwink you anymore with telltales your living your truth now and you can make such a good reality for yourself finally you get to actually live that life instead of the pretend version u had to hold up and its more hard work holding up the pretend version so your going to be amazed at how much u achieve that you never thought possible but this comes later I am talking with hindsight. See the lies as hurdles or branches that need hacking out of your way to clear your path. Keep focused on where u want to be and don’t let the hurdles get in your way and don’t be your own hurdle xxx honestly your the best judge of whats right for you and your children despite the err with the charmer who charms no more

You have made the first important step.....you got out. Don't fall for the guilt trip from him and his family. One day dry doesn't mean anything. Stay strong for you and your children. You got this x

I support you
You need this man out of your life
Stay strong ignore anyone who says different none of them have lived it

Have been there, done that BUT I caved in, let him back after promises to get help.
I've never found the strength to go through it all again but I so wish I had.

Stick to your guns, either he will eventually wise up and give up the drink or he will drink himself into oblivion. Either way you and your children will be better off. Good luck, stay strong

Totally agree with this. Then you have complete control over when you look at any messages. With text, it will just invade your headspace.

Plus email is a nice 'paper' trail.

I've recently left my ex DP too and he has moved back in with his mother.

I am delighted that she seems to be getting a little taste of what I've had to put up with for the last 10 years.

At 40yo he is back with mummy, not paying anything towards rent/food. Can't/Won't do his own washing. Thinks he's doing them a favour because he cooks for them every second Sunday. He took the hump with his mum recently because she and ex FIL are going on holiday and she told ex DP he would have to buy his own food.

I'm still the bad bitch though, of course, who must been having an affair.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP. I did the same as you back in 2015. And familial support is really hard to find. Almost all mine supported him and I had the same encouragement to try harder, let him come home. The ‘better and worse’ from older relatives. But like you, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’d really recommend Alanon meetings - in person or online. Twenty years to live with someone who has alcohol/addiction issues is an awful long time. Stay strong.

Thank you all again, and for those in similar situations, I can't tell you how many threads I commented on, wishing I was ready to do the same. You will know when it's time. Mine was being away for a week with my children, in a tiny flat in the rough part of another country. We were all eating pasta and watching a film. We laughed and no one was on edge, no one was shouting, no one had to make us all go out to look for the nearest local off licence. I thought 'I would trade my house in a instant for this' for this calm and stability. I don't necessarily think I felt unsafe with exp but definitely on edge. Like I had to be ready to argue and stand my ground.

This weekend was odd. Lovely Saturday, although ruined a bit by MiL's messages as mentioned in the OP. Stayed up until 2.30 putting all his clothes in boxes and moving my clothes around so it is just my bedroom now. So satisfying.
I said that exp could have them on Sunday. I dropped them off, was friendly towards MiL but didn't go in. I then went to a charity shop to drop some stuff off but then sort of couldn't leave. I was in a trance, just sort of wondering around. I wonder if part of me dreaded going back to an empty house. I would usually love it, but knowing this is going to be my life now, half of my weekend will be spent without them.
I have friends but they're either with their families, hungover or work nights! I suppose I'll find more of a routine in time, I quite fancy reading more, going to the museum, having coffee, plus I'll be a student again from July so will need more study time. I could see if we didn't split I would have been expected to do everything and then stay up until 2/3 am catching up on my work.

Picked them up at 4.30 and went to a kids birthday. I still haven't told any of the parents from school. I probably won't for a few months. My eldest (8) cried loads about something small and I could tell that it was probably due to the change in routine. She is on the ASD pathway and things like getting her to wear shoes/ coats are trigger points for her.
This morning she just lost it about going t school. This isn't unusual, but today was massive. She just completely shut down and wouldn't speak or make eye contact. I think it was because I started crying when we were trying to get out the door and she wouldn't put trousers on. I said 'why does everything have to be such a battle?' and cried and I imagine she felt guilty and couldn't tolerate feeling like that. Exp would have been useless in this situation if he had been there, as he usually just shouts and swears, obviously making her feel even more shame and guilt.
Went to see the pastoral lead at school and explained why she was finding it hard to go into school today. Dd was really into the sensory box and she spoke very clearly about what she was feeling whilst distracted by the feathers, beads and shells. I have to remember that when I try to speak to her.

I should add that my DM is being much better now. I think it was just a shock (why, I don't know, maybe she thought him drinking beer at 11 am on a Sunday and ringing her house phone every time I went over to make sure I was actually where I told him I was was normal!) She has offered to have the children whilst I go to the bank and even offered to go on the mortgage if I need another income to meet affordability. She said that her comment about not downsizing was more about why should I have a harder life because of his choices. And my stepdad is just being his usual lovely practical sort 'do you need me to take those bits of wood to the tip for you?'

I'm relieved to hear your update: it is all new, and change is scary, even when we know it's the right thing to do. You're no longer a prisoner, so it is scary and liberating at the same time. I aim to live in one day. It's only when I added yesterday and tomorrow that it became too big. Living one day at a time works much better.

Re your comment about being on edge rather than abuse - being on edge is abuse. If you don't know what he is going to do and his indirect verbal communication is affecting you all, which it has through the examples you gave, then you're in abuse.

Abuse is not just physical violence: it's emotional, financial, sexual, gaslighting, and coercion as well.

It doesn't have to be all of these. One is enough. You will certainly find emotional abuse is part of it because of the way he reacts and you are on edge, and so is financial as your monies will have been affected by his drinking

I'm glad your mom is being supportive now, too. She will be a tremendous help to you. Take very good care

I was in your exact position but with 2 older dc which made my decision a bit easier.
He drank every day. Started with whiskey, switched to vodka, he was easily able to get through a litre a day.
always in a bad mood. Felt like we were walking on egg shells so as not to upset him. Was horrible to me and constantly fell out with our eldest do. Spent 6 years trying to support and help him. But nothing worked and he refused rehab.
lockdown was the final straw for me I moved out for a year. Told him it was over. Agreed to buy him out of the house with the help of my Dd being named on the mortgage. Had to move home before things were finalised and one night he got violent. Police were called and he was arrested. Then went to his parents until his flat was ready for him.
luckily everyone has been supportive to me and I’m happier than I have been in years. Hard, but definitely the right decision.
good luck and stay strong x

She is gaslighting you as she doesn't want to have to take responsibility for him, and possibly defending him as at the end of the day, he is her son, so taking his side. All I can say is, what ever it takes, don't let this man back into your home or life.

I spent a childhood with everything I could want materially but with an alcoholic abusive father. Mother “stayed for the sake of the kids” which was so the wrong thing, he died when I was in my teens and we were all so much happier after that even though we were a lot poorer. Stay strong OP, you’re doing this to improve your children’s quality of life as well as your own. 💐

@MissHoneysHappyEnding Really happy to hear your update on your family !

I don’t know if this is feasible/legal at all (I’m international) but I’m wondering if your stepdad or mum could be the ones to handle strictly email eventual contact with your ex’s crazy family ? Then, no bullsh*t, no trying to emotionally manipulate you ?

It’s quite normal for your kids at that age to be a bit upset without really knowing why, don’t worry.
The countryside, nature, animals, will be great for them, if that is what you choose.

@MissHoneysHappyEnding Sorry I forgot half the kids part. I was taken into care at 10. The initial move, all of that, I won’t lie, wasn’t fun, hadn’t half a clue what was happening.
If your parents are close can the kids stay with them ?
And please don’t hesitate to tell parents at your school, I’m sure they’d be happy to help out (especially as it’s not the babysitter equivalent of couch surfing, as in no end date in sight).
All this to say, the first few months after it happened I would randomly cry quite a bit. Then I felt free, so then I felt happy.
You’ve got this💚

I really want you to know that I support you and what you are doing for your children's mental health and futures. They obviously are already aware that things are all wrong. Please take heart from all the messages of support and I sincerely hope you all have a lovely future when the dust has settled. 💐

Has he moved in with her? No wonder she wants to send him back! These guys always turn to another woman, whether it’s their mother or someone new. It’s always women who can make it on their own. But nobody ever acknowledges that... It’s not fair at all.

I fully support you Well done on making the decision and putting him out . Now stick to your guns !

Yes, there is someone else.
You
And your children.
Sorry, not read the whole thread yet, but I'm so angry for you, and the many, many others like you who stick it out until they just can't any more, then the breakup is all their fault.

I support you xx

Thanks all. Wobbling today. It's just the amount of stuff that I have to do, be, pay for. Paid yesterday and I now have £7 after paying all the bills. UC won't get back to me about a decision until 25/03. I'm trying so hard to not let the kids feel the pressure but having to say 'no' to a Lidl doughnut was tough. We've never been rich but it's not been this bad, this early in the month before. Trying not to go to the credit card as I have to get my credit score looking good to be considered for a mortgage.
I'm not going back but might have to approach the child maintenance discussion sooner than I wanted :(

Sorry you're struggling Uc are bastards for making you wait, but if you have checked "entitled to" and you are entitled you will get it eventually.

Maybe it's better to ask now though, while he still wants to appear reasonable and u have his family onside? Have not read all thread tho so perhaps this is not the case.