Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jeez, is it any reason women don't leave?

234 replies

MissHoneysHappyEnding · 25/02/2023 18:23

I ended a 20 year relationship with the father of my children last weekend. He moved out and I blocked him for my own sanity and he was sending awful texts ('tell the kids that I'm dead' etc). I kept lines open with his family as I like them and we have a good relationship. His mum sent me a message a few days earlier saying that he was abusive and she could see how tense he made the house and how the DC's seemed anxious about his moods and behaviour. He drinks too, to excess. On the first day of our holiday with his family last year he drank a whole bottle of whiskey, told us all to fuck off and went AWOL and so we had to spend the whole night looking for him and found him passed out in the street. I told him he needed to get help over and over but living in the house it was just too easy for him to slip back to his usual ways.
So since he went (not voluntarily) his mum has text me twice a day about how upset she is. She let me know that he'd given up drinking for one whole day and I should just let him move back as he 'knows now that you're serious'. I said no, and that he needed to look into long term accommodation options before we are able to sell the house. She has since sent me the 'crying emoji' lots of times and told me that she is devastated and emotional about losing us. Then today, she said 'I need to know if you are seeing someone else' JFC she has seen it all! She has been there! Why am I suddenly the cause? Did she mean to support me all those years, acknowledge the pain her son was causing but never actually mean for me to leave?
I'm tempted to block her but I need to contact her to discuss logistics like child visitation and giving him his stuff back.
This is on top of my mums first suggestion of 'can you live together for financial reasons but not as a couple?' and 'I don't think you'll be able to keep up with the mortgage on your own' plus my elder relatives general 'well I think marriages should last forever, through thick and thin' bullshit.
I don't feel like I have anyone who actually supports me. I feel like it's all STILL about him and his needs, even though I've done all that I can. I was a mug for way too long.
I'm finding it hard to feel happy and positive about my future, which I did when I made the decision to say no, because no one seems to believe in me or think that I'm worth more than this shit relationship.

OP posts:
Withnailandeye · 25/02/2023 21:14

I support you. Your ex sounds just like my father, my step mother finally found the strength to kick him out a few years ago and your story is hers - my grandmother went from being supportive to abusive to her, minimising his behaviour, a typical enabler. My dad just played everyone to feel sorry for him and he’s still a useless alcoholic fuck now, only moved out of my grandmothers last year.

you keep going, fuck everyone else, they weren’t living your life. A year from now you will look back and be so thankful you found the strength to get out. Xx

Return2thebasic · 25/02/2023 21:16

MachineBee · 25/02/2023 19:35

Unfortunately families don’t like things to change as it shines a light on their own relationships.

Stay firm OP - it’ll come good for you and your DCs. You’ll realise that you can find help and support that doesn’t come with as many emotional strings attached. You don’t need help from anyone who just wants you to back down and make life easier for them.

@MissHoneysHappyEnding , OP, that's my thoughts too. Neither of your parents or your in-laws have had respectful and happy marriage. They probably sucked up fair amount of "compromises" to maintain the calm surface. That's why they tried to defuse your true problem and make them looking trivial. But it's wrong.

There's no respect, no compassion for you in that marriage. Absolutely would be the wrong thing even for the sake of your children. Wrong model of relationships and imagine if they are made believe to think it's normal to be abused in a marriage and grow up to accept that in their own relationships.

Hold your ground firm, for yourself and for your children. Materialism is not the path to happiness. And you will manage with re-prioritisation.

We all support your decision here - absolutely the right call.

Chestnutlover · 25/02/2023 21:18

I support you. You’ve done the hardest part. You deserve freedom for this. Don’t cave. Your relationship is nothing to do with her and one day of no drinking means nothing at all

Justmeandthedog1 · 25/02/2023 21:22

Block anyone who’s not supportive. You won’t have the energy to spend on people with different agendas. You can always unblock them later.
You cannot live with his drinking, that is awful for you and the children.
Stay strong, look after yourself and your children and ignore anyone who’s not going to help.

SchoolTripDrama · 25/02/2023 21:23

MissHoneysHappyEnding · 25/02/2023 19:34

Thank you all so much, I'm just reading the comments over and over to myself. I'm stuck between two families who don't get it.
I told my mum that the way I was going to manage the mortgage was by selling up, buying a two bed in the country and living a fantastic life. I don't care if I sleep on a sofa bed forever in the living room if I don't have to dread the sound of his key in the door or have the school calling me about my daughter crying because 'daddy shouts at mummy and she cries'. My mum said 'you don't want to downsize, darling, think of the clutter'.
My STBX in laws are all ''ee's just lost. Ee's sensitive really. Ee loves those kids.'
Listening to Chaka Khan and making a fish finger sandwich. I know I made the right choice.

I don't get the Ee bits and the fish finger references!?!?!

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 25/02/2023 21:26

@SchoolTripDrama

Ee as in he, colloquial slang, the exes family minimising his behaviour

Fish finger butties an easy meal

Are you not in the UK?

Irrelevantdata · 25/02/2023 21:40

Listening to Chaka Khan and making a fish finger sandwich. I know I made the right choice. - one of the best sentences I've ever read Grin Some very wise posts on this thread about other people's motivations in situations like this OP, please don't let them knock your confidence, you've clearly made the right decision.

MeridianB · 25/02/2023 21:48

Your MIL has has realised she's now stuck with her drunken abusive son and wants shot of him pronto. Straight back to you is the easiest option for her to try, so she's going for

Absolutely this. Although as a PP said, it could be him using her phone, so even more reason to block!

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 25/02/2023 21:50

It's very telling that his mum is appealing to your better nature after about 24 hrs (assuming it's not your ex using his mum's phone of course).
Well done for kicking him out in the first place and for staying strong thus far. As pp have said, get some support from folks like women's aid and al-anon to keep your resolve topped up.
I'd start a claim for child support, get a pay as you go phone that you only use to organise contact, and otherwise block him and his mum on your main phone.

ThereIbledit · 25/02/2023 21:52

Massive kudos for you for having your head screwed on when all those around you have clearly lost theirs!

Amylou7 · 25/02/2023 21:54

I just want to say how much I admire your strength for sticking by your decision and doing what’s right for yourself and your children especially when you have even your own family doubting your decision. You’re clearly very strong, you’ve got this, it’s onwards and upwards for you and your children 😊

StarDolphins · 25/02/2023 21:55

She knows that he’s going to be her problem now & she doesn’t want to deal with his behaviour either. She’s sad for herself (& him!).

Stay strong, you are far better off without this & him & so are your children.

Get through this shitty bit, hold your head high & enjoy your fresh start. Don’t look back.

StillMedusa · 25/02/2023 22:02

I was a child in the same family situation as yours.
Mum finally left him after 17 years .. he drank, (he also had affairs) and she had walked on egg shells for years trying not to inccur his vicious streak.

Our lives improved so much, despite the fact leaving him left her penniless (and he refused to pay child support). We were happier.

His Mum doesn't want him back does she. Your Mum's just being a dick.

Be strong. For yourself. And for the kids. It will be worth it.

Peppermintaero · 25/02/2023 22:03

OP, you sound brilliant. I wish you a bright and happy future with your children.

Anyone who doesn’t want that for you doesn’t deserve your time. And Chaka Khan is the start of your new soundtrack…

Mischance · 25/02/2023 22:12

People are scared of change - any change. And this is a pretty big one. The family want to bury their heads in the sand and pretend nothing is happening because it makes THEM feel better. But deep down they know that your children deserve better. Let them witter on - you stick to your guns.

GeorgeA12 · 25/02/2023 22:16

Well done OP. I was in a bad relationship and it took lots of courage to get out of it. Im so glad I did and have built a nice life with my daughter and so much happier. The early days were really hard as you adjust to the change but keep going and make nice memories with your children.

sweetgingercat · 25/02/2023 22:20

Well done for doing this OP! It's a new life for you and your children and what your children feel is much more important than what his mother or some other family from older generations whose feelings and expectations around marriage are out of date. I would also block her (after telling her why you are going to) and just get on with it. Perhaps you can tell some of your other friends/relative who are younger and more understanding. Tell your mother that the only thing that cluttered your house was your useless soak of a DH and once you've got rid of his stuff, you'll be fine! Good luck OP!

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 25/02/2023 22:26

I support you, OP. You've done the hardest bit, which is making the decision. Have confidence that it's the right thing to do.
This is all new, and they are yet to accept it, but they'll get used to it. The question about whether you're seeing someone might sound daft to you and doubtless she didn't really think you were, but just wanted you to rule it out.
My mum's best friend baled me out of a sticky situation with my ex-DH, knew what an absolute shit he was, and then told me it was my duty to stay with him! (I didn't, and went on to meet now-DH.) Best wishes to you.

Thelnebriati · 25/02/2023 22:31

The only sane response to ''I need to know if you are seeing someone else''' is ''Ex, give your Mum her phone back and stop being a twat.''

SummerWinds · 25/02/2023 22:47

What l have learnt from my own experience is that most changes always involve lots of goodbyes.
People are ok with you as long as your doing what they are basically doing, but once you have the courage to try something different they don't tend to like it.
You have to become your own biggest cheerleader and follow your own intuition.
You don't need anyone else's approval but your own. You know you've made the right decision, your happiness is in your own hands now.

JosieHetty · 25/02/2023 22:47

I had a similar situation. Despite years of living with abusive alcoholic, extended family said things like: all men have some problems we just have to overlook - or ‘he’s really nice in the day’. Yes - nice before he started drinking at 4pm.
the final straw was when he threatened me with a hammer, had his hands round my throat then banged my head on the fridge and called my children down from their beds to watch him finish me off.
after he had been removed, family still suggested it would be better financially if we could live together as friends.

SRS29 · 25/02/2023 22:55

OP you sound AMAZING....well done, be strong xxx

Original poster
MissHoneysHappyEnding · 25/02/2023 23:26

Thanks again to you all.
This just gets better... turned my phone off to watch a film with the sprogs. My STBX fil has text to ask what time I'm dropping the kids to theirs as he's made me a cake.... yep that'll make up for the last 20 years...

OP posts:
Return2thebasic · 25/02/2023 23:37

@MissHoneysHappyEnding 😂 He really thinks women have no dignity nor basic judgement, doesn't he?

Tell him to bring the cake into his bathroom and eat it in front of a mirror with the reflection of himself... What a narcissistic piece of work.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 25/02/2023 23:37

Chaka Khan, fish finger butties & FREEDOM!

Fuck his cake here have this one instead for free 🎂 mine doesn't come with a side of emotional blackmail !!! Xx