To not want MIL for lunch tomorrow?

Moonphantom · 2023-02-25T15:23:47+00:00

I will say I do like my MIL generally. PIL died about 8 months ago so I feel mean about resenting her coming for Sunday lunch - but this will be the 5th time since Christmas. Everytime we have a free Sunday DH invites her over. Dh has said he will cook so really I have nothing to worry about. Dd and I were looking forward to a chill day tomorrow though. I'm just a bit sick of it. We are also quite skint - all PILs assets went to MIL but she never brings anything not even a bottle of wine. Just a bit bored with it tbh.

Heronwatcher · 25/02/2023 15:25

I don’t think you’re being U. Can’t your husband go to her occasionally?

Original poster

Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 15:27

Heronwatcher · 25/02/2023 15:25

I don’t think you’re being U. Can’t your husband go to her occasionally?

She doesn't enjoy cooking anymore, she's pretty elderly. I feel like a bitch because I know she's probably a bit lonely, it's just we are often busy with dds sport and sometimes it would be nice to have a Sunday where nothing happened!

OP posts:

TangledWebOfDeception · 25/02/2023 15:28

Does he even ask before he does this?

Nothing wrong with him wanting to see him mother more as she is recently bereaved. However he should be courteous enough to check in with you before extending the invitation! And if you need a day of peace and quiet he can go visit at her house.

Have you told him that you would like to have some Sundays free to chill with your DD?

ThinWomansBrain · 25/02/2023 15:28

Fil's assets going to his wife sounds fairly normal TBH.
If she is coming that frequently is there a need to put on a 'special show'? She must be becoming part of the furniture.
Why not suggest to your partner that he goes across to hers some Sundays, rather than you always hosting her?

TangledWebOfDeception · 25/02/2023 15:28

That is easily fixed - he brings the ingredients to hers and cooks there.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 25/02/2023 15:29

Why doesn't he take your dc and go to hers for the day instead? Leave you at home.

DESGUSTING · 25/02/2023 15:29

Why don't you tell him to treat her and take her out somewhere for Sunday lunch?

You and DD stay at home unless DD would like to go. Winner either way.

Original poster

Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 15:30

ThinWomansBrain · 25/02/2023 15:28

Fil's assets going to his wife sounds fairly normal TBH.
If she is coming that frequently is there a need to put on a 'special show'? She must be becoming part of the furniture.
Why not suggest to your partner that he goes across to hers some Sundays, rather than you always hosting her?

Oh yes nothing odd about the money just that it was quite a lot so you'd think she'd bring something.

I'm feeling uncharacteristically fed up and not sure why!

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wellthatsinterresting · 25/02/2023 15:31

We aren't a family that 'brings something' so she may not be being rude, it may have just not occurred to her.
I think 8 months is still pretty raw and she's probably desperately trying to avoid time alone. Could you go out and run errands while dh is with mil?

Depending on her age and work/ health status, could you look online for some groups local to her area, see if she wants to start volunteering at a charity shop or community centre to fill her time if she isn't working already. Even working in school to listen to kids read is so rewarding and schools are practically crying out for volunteers.
Community gardening projects can be great, as they aren't an evert week deal, you can come and go when it suits you meaning you may see different faces and have m ore chance to find someone you click with.

Ofc if she's working this is irrelevant

Original poster

Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 15:32

DESGUSTING · 25/02/2023 15:29

Why don't you tell him to treat her and take her out somewhere for Sunday lunch?

You and DD stay at home unless DD would like to go. Winner either way.

Everyone would think it was really weird if I didn't go! And actually I'd definitely want to go as I'd enjoy going out for lunch 😅 maybe I'll suggest we do that next time although we really are skint so can't really afford it.

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Freddiefox · 25/02/2023 15:32

her husband died, and she’s coming round for a bit to see her family and have dinner. Your dh is doing the cooking, honesty I can’t see the problem. I understand that it’s a pain but that’s what family’s do to support each other in times of need.

If money is really tight why don’t you suggest you go to her next time? Then. You can leave when you want to.

Maybe you could leave them to it and go out for the afternoon?

Original poster

Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 15:33

wellthatsinterresting · 25/02/2023 15:31

We aren't a family that 'brings something' so she may not be being rude, it may have just not occurred to her.
I think 8 months is still pretty raw and she's probably desperately trying to avoid time alone. Could you go out and run errands while dh is with mil?

Depending on her age and work/ health status, could you look online for some groups local to her area, see if she wants to start volunteering at a charity shop or community centre to fill her time if she isn't working already. Even working in school to listen to kids read is so rewarding and schools are practically crying out for volunteers.
Community gardening projects can be great, as they aren't an evert week deal, you can come and go when it suits you meaning you may see different faces and have m ore chance to find someone you click with.

Ofc if she's working this is irrelevant

She has never worked. She's 80 so probably too old to start volunteering. She does have a group of friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 15:35

Freddiefox · 25/02/2023 15:32

her husband died, and she’s coming round for a bit to see her family and have dinner. Your dh is doing the cooking, honesty I can’t see the problem. I understand that it’s a pain but that’s what family’s do to support each other in times of need.

If money is really tight why don’t you suggest you go to her next time? Then. You can leave when you want to.

Maybe you could leave them to it and go out for the afternoon?

Absolutely, I agree but it's been every fortnight or so and I just want a Sunday at home doing nothing in my pj's! With no time constraints. It doesn't help that my brother has been extremely ill so I've been looking after him during the week.

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ShandaLear · 25/02/2023 15:36

So, your DH hosts, you have lunch, and then you clear off and do your own thing, or get your DH to take her out for a drive or a coffee. Lunch can be pasta or a chilli or whatever you would normally have. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. My mum lost my dad last year, and honestly, these little kindnesses are precious to them. It is likely very very hard for her, and her son, and it’s probably time they want to be together because there is comfort in that.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 25/02/2023 15:36

If I were you I'd just let him get on with it. You don't need to entertain. Just come in for the lunch and then go and do a hobby later or something.

TangledWebOfDeception · 25/02/2023 15:36

How on earth does OP 'going out and running errands' while MIL is visiting fix OP's issue of sometimes wanting a free Sunday at home to chill? She's not trying to avoid MIL, she wants time to rest at the weekend sometimes!

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 25/02/2023 15:37

It'll be short term whilst MIL is adjusting to the loss of her husband. Any reasonable person can understand that

Original poster

Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 15:38

ShandaLear · 25/02/2023 15:36

So, your DH hosts, you have lunch, and then you clear off and do your own thing, or get your DH to take her out for a drive or a coffee. Lunch can be pasta or a chilli or whatever you would normally have. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. My mum lost my dad last year, and honestly, these little kindnesses are precious to them. It is likely very very hard for her, and her son, and it’s probably time they want to be together because there is comfort in that.

She wouldn't eat pasta or chili. It has to be a roast lunch.

I've been round to see her every week since PIL died just in case I sound like a heartless bitch!

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Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 25/02/2023 15:39

In fact op doesn't even have to be there.
If I wer her I'd book a night with a close friend or a hotel with my daughter. Places like Mal Maison do a girls night in package etc.
Once op is not there the lunches every Sunday would soon whittle away I imagine.

Original poster

Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 15:39

ShandaLear · 25/02/2023 15:36

So, your DH hosts, you have lunch, and then you clear off and do your own thing, or get your DH to take her out for a drive or a coffee. Lunch can be pasta or a chilli or whatever you would normally have. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. My mum lost my dad last year, and honestly, these little kindnesses are precious to them. It is likely very very hard for her, and her son, and it’s probably time they want to be together because there is comfort in that.

Yeah you are right, it's probably nice for dh.

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wellthatsinterresting · 25/02/2023 15:39

Ah, perhaps a bookclub at a library or coffee mornings to fill her time a bit?
Why don't you look for groups running on a weekend so she's busy for Sundays.
I realise this sounds seriously unsympathetic but 5 weekends since Xmas is loads, it would annoy me a bit, you just can't relax with someone else round. we'll, I can't anyway.

There are loads of old people lonely groups round here, loads. I suppose they are needed the most because of bereavement being basically a sure thing for everyone in this age group.
perhaps you could offer to go with her (or dh could) to extend the friendship circle make it a little bit wider.

I'm sorry, I know its probably really tricky.

Mindymomo · 25/02/2023 15:40

I’d love to have my MIL round for lunch, sadly she died 5 years ago. Could you say it would be lovely to go out for lunch one day, but sadly we cannot afford to and see if she offers.

forrestgreen · 25/02/2023 15:40

Maybe have the pj day whilst she's there? You and dd get a film on etc, if she's family she'll be happy to join in. If not she can go help dh

maddening · 25/02/2023 15:41

Dh could go to hers and he cook there?

gogohmm · 25/02/2023 15:41

5th time since Christmas doesn't seem that much to me if she's a fairly elderly widow. It's every other week not every week. As far as the cost, how much extra does she really cost, £1 maybe? He could always ask her to bring wine or a shop bought dessert - though I wouldn't serve either routinely for Sunday lunch myself, and frequent guests fall under routine. I have an open kitchen policy and feed whoever is here at 6pm, call me a mug!