To not want MIL for lunch tomorrow?

[Moonphantom]

I will say I do like my MIL generally. PIL died about 8 months ago so I feel mean about resenting her coming for Sunday lunch - but this will be the 5th time since Christmas. Everytime we have a free Sunday DH invites her over. Dh has said he will cook so really I have nothing to worry about. Dd and I were looking forward to a chill day tomorrow though. I'm just a bit sick of it. We are also quite skint - all PILs assets went to MIL but she never brings anything not even a bottle of wine.

Just a bit bored with it tbh.

I do get what you mean about sometimes craving a Sunday doing nothing, I think the same sometimes, but there's no way I'd leave my widowed elderly mum on her own on a Sunday.
Also, it's your husband's house and he's got just as much right to ask his mum round, especially as he's doing all the cooking.
It's just a kind thing to do, irritating as it may be at times.

*husband's house as much as yours!!! Sorry x

@JackieDaws that maybe a better solution because then she would have to properly adapt to their life and it not go on hold when she comes.

Also they would have to discuss money.

It's really sweet that he is looking out for her, he sounds like a nice man. You acknowledged you feel bitchy and unfair but there is always a balance.

It's your home too and you have hosted her a lot so make it work for you.

God she’s 80 and recently bereaved 😱

Maybe mix it up - so a third of the time she comes for lunch, a third of the time he goes to lunch at hers armed with M and S, and a third of the time you both just pop in for a quick cup of tea.

Obviously she is just widowed etc, but it’s your home and Sunday too, and you don’t want it to become constant.

Talk to your DH and negotiate.

Would she like University of the 3rd age

I can see why you're fed up and I certainly don't think you're heartless BUT I think it's a lovely thing to do. She's 80, she's recently lost her husband and is (I assume) living alone. I think it's really important that she's in the blossom of her family at this time of her life. I would want to do that for my mum.

YANBU re the routine as others have pointed out. But YABU to think 5 visits is too much since Christmas. I’ve seen my in-laws at least that much and no-one has been widowed.

The problem seems to be the excessive nature of the visits themselves. 5 Sunday roast lunches since Christmas would be waaayyy too much for me even without guests. Roasts take over the day and the kitchen and are too faffy. YANBU not to want a big roast lunch to take over your day.

When's your next free Sunday? Mark it out in the diary as a PJ day with no guests. Then the next one agree that MIL is welcome.

Have an agreement with your DH that you have 1 full day every month when you can all chill with no pressure.

Now I do feel bad 😅

I'm not sure why I'm being such a cow. I'm just knackered I think.

@Treetopviews.. Yes and op doesn't want her there.

The best solution is comprise that works for both parties which means Mil is welcome and op isn't starting to feel resentful.

This is a good idea. I'll talk to dh.

I’d rather have roast lamb but each to their own….

Sorry you do sound heartless OP. I mean, your dh just lost his dad. Your mil lost her husband. Maybe they want to see each other right now.

as for mentioning the inheritance. That’s really crass op.

if you want a day in your PJ’s maybe your ex need to miss their sport one week or go with their dad and leave you at home.

Look - if this were me, given that DH already sees her 3 times a week and you once, eat what you want and do what you want on a Sunday and if she wants to join in she can and if she ''hates'' it, then she can adapt or come to yours a bit less often.

Have your Sunday pasta, or chilli. Have cake in front of Netflix.

I can see why you're resentful if you're changing things you'd eat and do to accommodate her every time.

Why don't you just tell her - look sorry you're sad and lonely but it's really not our problem, can you just stay away? Instead of inviting her begrudgingly once a fortnight through gritted teeth then resenting her presence?

I completely missed the bit where you explained why you can't go for a walk, either with her or before lunchtime, make a cake with DD either before she gets there or while she's there, and watch TV with her in the house. She's a member of your family so why not treat her like one...

So it's every other week, and dinner is being cooked regardless. So presumably every other Sunday you get to slob? In reality she won't be around much longer so you won't have to put up with it then! Maybe your DH needs this for his grieving too!

For what it's worth I think you're being unreasonable and I think the poor woman will be lonely until its her time to leave too.

Also, you want to slob but I see someone mentioned them going out and you said you'd want to do that too. Unfortunately you can't have it all your way! Sounds like your DH can't win!

@LordEmsworth - make a cake with DD either before she gets there or while she's there, and watch TV with her in the house. She's a member of your family so why not treat her like one...

OP has said MIL would ''hate'' a slobby TV afternoon. I think i'd be saying ''this is how we live, you're welcome to join us ....

You're very fortunate to have such a kind husband. He is showing empathy and compassion to his dear mother at what must be a sad and lonely time for her. Perhaps you need to reflect on these good qualities he has and try to mirror them. Let's hope your close family don't find your company to be a boring chore when you're old and vulnerable yourself. The word 'selfish' comes to mind here.

I must admit I don't think cooking one meal a fortnight for elderly bereaved dMIL sounds like a lot. I would look at this as normal dynamics in a loving family.

Really? On Mumsnet they seem to be an expectation at least weekly.

I can understand it being annoying. I would probably do the same if I was in your husband shoes. At least you know your husband has good values. I think when you losing one parent, it make you appreciate the time left you have with the other parent. Tomorrow isn't promised. Your husband is probably benefiting from this visit. He may desire and feel the need to spend more time with his mum.

Your envious op. You expected her to give you some inheritance and she hasn't.

I couldn’t be doing with it either. If she came round and was happy to fit in with whatever you were doing and eating that would be fine but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

Would it be acceptable if your dh left you home to chill in your pjs and spent the alternative fortnightly Sundays either at his mums or take her out instead?

It is lovely your dh is trying his best to consistently spend time and look out for his recently widowed elderly mums wellbeing by making sure she is involved with his family. Wish my brothers had been as supportive when we lost my dad.

It is hard doing what you can for an elderly widowed parent, practically and emotionally, on top of all the other pressures of life - I'm not sure if I would have been able to cope if dh had started adding to that already heavy load by looking for self indulgent "pj days" on top of everything else.

Sorry but you do sound pretty heartless.
If you are wearing loungewear, will she even notice? My ancient MIL honestly wouldn't know the difference between that and a jumpsuit.
If you and DD go and watch Netflix when lunch is over, it will be a great opportunity for your DH and her to chat in a relaxed way.
DH is cooking, surely you can force down a roast made with love and thought for his family.
You are making a big deal of issues that need not be issues.
A man who knows how to treat his DM with kindness and empathy is usually the type of man to show the same treatment with his wife and DD's. If you can be anything, be kind.