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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL for lunch tomorrow?

337 replies

Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 15:23

I will say I do like my MIL generally. PIL died about 8 months ago so I feel mean about resenting her coming for Sunday lunch - but this will be the 5th time since Christmas. Everytime we have a free Sunday DH invites her over. Dh has said he will cook so really I have nothing to worry about. Dd and I were looking forward to a chill day tomorrow though. I'm just a bit sick of it. We are also quite skint - all PILs assets went to MIL but she never brings anything not even a bottle of wine.

Just a bit bored with it tbh.

OP posts:
twinmum2007 · 25/02/2023 16:45

I hear you. We are in the same position, though it's been 10 years. Every other Sunday MIL comes to dinner, stays over then takes herself home on Monday morning. Could you.maybe look at that, then you'd get most of the day to yourselves? We,'re all.often.out when MIL comes, she just let's herself in & waits for us. She does bring stuff, but it's always cake or biscuits, never wine or cheese, which I'd much rather have.

Stressedafff · 25/02/2023 16:46

Do old people not eat pizza?
My nana is 84 and I’m pretty sure she has at least 3 boxes of Chicago towns in her freezer, partial to a KFC or McDonald’s too 😂

Justmeandthedog1 · 25/02/2023 16:46

Fwiw, there’s what’s known as the 6 month low after a bereavement, it actually hit me at 8 months. I’m sure your mil is feeling pretty awful, very lost and empty , surely one meal a week isn’t too much?

ShoesCoatandBag · 25/02/2023 16:47

My widowed mother comes every Sunday we are free. The poor woman has lost her husband lunch once a week doesn’t seem onerous to me.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2023 16:47

Credit to the OP's husband, can you imagine the amount of men who don't bother, without even needing their wives to discourage them from maintaining a relationship with their mother!

Liorae · 25/02/2023 16:49

ShoesCoatandBag · 25/02/2023 16:47

My widowed mother comes every Sunday we are free. The poor woman has lost her husband lunch once a week doesn’t seem onerous to me.

Yes, but that's YOUR mother. Your husband's mother is just an inconvenience.

mbosnz · 25/02/2023 16:49

I'm wondering if, in accepting that she's going to be reasonably regular for the foreseeable future, it's worth doing turn and turn about as to what kind of meal?

As in, one week, okay, she wants a roast, a roast you have, the second week, you want chili or pasta, and that's what you have?

And perhaps instituting a convention that them what is coming to lunch and having it cooked for them, provides wine (and maybe dessert)?

I know that once my sister and Mum had these talks, it got a lot easier for my sister, and my mother too, because she knew what she could/was expected to bring to the table.

Lndnmummy · 25/02/2023 16:51

yikesanotherbooboo · 25/02/2023 16:21

I must admit I don't think cooking one meal a fortnight for elderly bereaved dMIL sounds like a lot. I would look at this as normal dynamics in a loving family.

This

LovePoppy · 25/02/2023 16:52

Mindymomo · 25/02/2023 15:40

I’d love to have my MIL round for lunch, sadly she died 5 years ago. Could you say it would be lovely to go out for lunch one day, but sadly we cannot afford to and see if she offers.

Every damn time.

this is not the time for a guilt trip

letthemalldoone · 25/02/2023 16:53

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2023 16:47

Credit to the OP's husband, can you imagine the amount of men who don't bother, without even needing their wives to discourage them from maintaining a relationship with their mother!

Absolute nonsense - the OP is not "discouraging them from maintaining a relationship"!!!

Sleepless1096 · 25/02/2023 16:55

If you can't afford the roast, then look at cheaper options which she might like... jacket potatoes with salad etc.

I don't think it's unreasonable to have her for lunch once a fortnight or so as your DH is doing the cooking, but clearly blowing the family food budget on one meal is unreasonable. Just tell her you're having to cut back due to the increase in the cost of living.

DancingDaughter50 · 25/02/2023 16:57

I agree its the company, change of scene and somewhere to go.

Just do what you want.

Weallhaveavoice · 25/02/2023 16:57

Think we all need a bit of family time alone.
No matter how much we get on with family I still feel more relaxed without visitors.
I totally get where you are coming from
You have every right to this especially as you visit during the week and your dh 3 times a week.

A compromise is needed
For every MIL Sunday visit there should be a weekend without MIL. Maybe it’s a once a month thing. Then. Everyone gets used to the new routine and isn’t constantly expecting Sunday at yours and youre not getting upset about it.

Crunchymum · 25/02/2023 16:58

Given you get along okay and she isn't a horror I think it's actually pretty shit you begrudge her a fortnightly visit.

Does she stay all day? Can your DH to ask her to grab dessert or a bottle of wine? Can you arrange for some downtime on Saturday instead?

Dishwashersaurous · 25/02/2023 16:59

And definitely crack on do baking etc. Do what you'd do if she wasn't there and just involve her ìn the conversation

SealHouse · 25/02/2023 16:59

ThepicofmyhairymingeprovesIamsober · 25/02/2023 15:57

I would really resent my husband if he was as petty and heartless towards my widowed parent as you are OP. You mention money an awful lot too, and I would not be surprised if your MIL senses your graspy little hands waiting there. Poor woman.

Yes, the money thing struck me too. You sound nasty OP. Your poor MIL. Let's hope any future dil's treat you with a little more compassion.

AtleastitsnotMonday · 25/02/2023 16:59

She's lonely. It's sad. I don't think you've said how long she stays. If she lives near buy could you just say "we'll be eating at 6 this week, shall we pick you up at 3?"
Or when dh invites her say "we're off out at 3 we could drop you home on the way to x'

Does MIL now money's tight? She might offer to contribute more if she realises. Just drop a few hints.
"I've heard the George and Dragon do a great roast, we'll have to get saving to afford it though".
"We won't be having a roast this week, the price of the food shop is going through the roof so we're really having to tighten our belts".

Also, i think you have to think of her a bit differently now she's coming more often. I make more effort for people who only come once or twice a year. The more people come, the less showy I get. You really don't need to change your plans. She has become a closer member of extended family, so think of her as that. Wear what you like, eat what you would normally, her preference might be a roast but that won't be the only thing she'd enjoy. Watch Netflix, don't most elderly people fall asleep after a roast anyway?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 25/02/2023 17:00

Jesus, have some compassion,it's only been 8 months! Imagine if you lost your dh,actually think about it properly.

Puppers · 25/02/2023 17:00

Having her round for a meal a couple of times a month to support her while she acclimatises to the hugely traumatic and life changing experience of losing her spouse is really not a big ask of close family. I'd be absolutely gutted if my DH couldn't put his desire to watch Netflix in his PJs to one side for a few hours every fortnight to accommodate this for my mum. It would be very out of keeping with the generous and caring spirit I love him for as well.

It's important that you have private down time but unless you are extremely busy (unusually so) then there's no reason you can't find a bit of time to support MIL in this way and carve out time for yourself every weekend.

Pandorapitstop · 25/02/2023 17:00

Very odd to go to someone’s house for lunch and not take anything, eg a bottle of wine or flowers, or to offer to make pudding for example and to take along.

Triffid1 · 25/02/2023 17:01

You need to.cbamge the dynamic. She's now .spending.more time with you all as she is lonely. Fine. But the dynamic.cant stay the same. Start to introduce the concept of her being there but as a member of the family and not a guest. So.sure, have a nice lunch but everyone can wander off after to do whatever they like. You and dd can go upstairs and watch TV on a computer or tablet or disappear for a walk or whatever.

Pottedpalm · 25/02/2023 17:01

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 25/02/2023 15:39

In fact op doesn't even have to be there.
If I wer her I'd book a night with a close friend or a hotel with my daughter. Places like Mal Maison do a girls night in package etc.
Once op is not there the lunches every Sunday would soon whittle away I imagine.

OP says money is tight, a trip to Malmaison? Really?

Liorae · 25/02/2023 17:02

AtleastitsnotMonday · 25/02/2023 16:59

She's lonely. It's sad. I don't think you've said how long she stays. If she lives near buy could you just say "we'll be eating at 6 this week, shall we pick you up at 3?"
Or when dh invites her say "we're off out at 3 we could drop you home on the way to x'

Does MIL now money's tight? She might offer to contribute more if she realises. Just drop a few hints.
"I've heard the George and Dragon do a great roast, we'll have to get saving to afford it though".
"We won't be having a roast this week, the price of the food shop is going through the roof so we're really having to tighten our belts".

Also, i think you have to think of her a bit differently now she's coming more often. I make more effort for people who only come once or twice a year. The more people come, the less showy I get. You really don't need to change your plans. She has become a closer member of extended family, so think of her as that. Wear what you like, eat what you would normally, her preference might be a roast but that won't be the only thing she'd enjoy. Watch Netflix, don't most elderly people fall asleep after a roast anyway?

Just be honest and hang a sign on your front door saying "hand over the inheritance before we feed you again".

AtleastitsnotMonday · 25/02/2023 17:03

No that really wasn't what I was saying

Pottedpalm · 25/02/2023 17:05

Triffid1 · 25/02/2023 17:01

You need to.cbamge the dynamic. She's now .spending.more time with you all as she is lonely. Fine. But the dynamic.cant stay the same. Start to introduce the concept of her being there but as a member of the family and not a guest. So.sure, have a nice lunch but everyone can wander off after to do whatever they like. You and dd can go upstairs and watch TV on a computer or tablet or disappear for a walk or whatever.

Spot on. She doesn’t need to be guest. She is a family member there for lunch. Maybe she would be happy to sit with a cup of tea and have family buzzing round the house. Great company. She must feel very lonely.