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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL for lunch tomorrow?

337 replies

Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 15:23

I will say I do like my MIL generally. PIL died about 8 months ago so I feel mean about resenting her coming for Sunday lunch - but this will be the 5th time since Christmas. Everytime we have a free Sunday DH invites her over. Dh has said he will cook so really I have nothing to worry about. Dd and I were looking forward to a chill day tomorrow though. I'm just a bit sick of it. We are also quite skint - all PILs assets went to MIL but she never brings anything not even a bottle of wine.

Just a bit bored with it tbh.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/02/2023 16:28

But surely it doesn't matter that she'd hate to see you having a lazy day - it's your house and she can take you as she finds you. If that means eating cake in your pyjamas in front of Netflix, then so be it Grin

I think it's nice that your DH invites his recently widowed, elderly mum round for lunch but that doesn't mean you all need to "host" and put on a show for her.

Kitkatcatflap · 25/02/2023 16:29

Is your DH the only child?

Perhaps, switching the Sunday roast from lunch to an early dinner may help. At least you get most of the Sunday to do how you wish

Peachy2005 · 25/02/2023 16:29

Urgh is this England? Generally the Irish believe you shouldn’t “arrive with one arm as long as the other’…bottle of wine, bunch of daffodils, even a packet of biscuits… it’s just a nice gesture, isn’t it? Particularly when you’ve had her for this many lunches.

dottypotter · 25/02/2023 16:29

LordEmsworth · 25/02/2023 16:13

Why don't you just tell her - look sorry you're sad and lonely but it's really not our problem, can you just stay away? Instead of inviting her begrudgingly once a fortnight through gritted teeth then resenting her presence?

I completely missed the bit where you explained why you can't go for a walk, either with her or before lunchtime, make a cake with DD either before she gets there or while she's there, and watch TV with her in the house. She's a member of your family so why not treat her like one...

Exactly God forbid when the op is bereaved herself and it turns full circle.
It's not your inheritance op it's hers.

Candymay · 25/02/2023 16:30

I hope no one ever resents me like this. I don’t like being very cold to others. I’ve been that lonely person embraced by another family. I’ve never forgotten that. I think what you need to do op is to relax more when she’s with you. Say you’re relaxing and watching Netflix. And that’s how she will fit in more. And you’d be being kind and loving.

Belindabelle · 25/02/2023 16:31

I get it op.

If MIlL is coming on a Sunday she expects a full roast, pudding, wines with the meal, liquor after the coffee etc. We rarely have this when it’s just us. Usually it will be stew, pasta etc.

It’s ok saying DH can cook but the expense of putting on a Sunday dinner to match her expectations can be considerable. It doesn’t just cost an extra few pounds. The joint of meat is £20 at least. Then there is the clearing up and dishes to be done after. Nothing like a relaxing Sunday.

She would also expect us to dressed to a certain degree. She would have a fit if I was in my comfies lying on the sofa watching a film.

Guis · 25/02/2023 16:31

I think at such a time it is important to support your other half. He has lost his dad not too long ago and is sensitive to his mums loneliness.
By all means seek to reduce the arrangements and talk it though with your OH.
In terms of bringing things, not all families do. But she is bereaved and frightened and bewildered about how life will be from now on. So don't expect so much.

35965a · 25/02/2023 16:32

If your DH is doing the cooking I’d just get on with my day, slob out and watch your film. If MIL doesn’t like it, that’s tough, it’s your house. I am sure she really appreciates your company and her son looking after her though.

FrostyFifi · 25/02/2023 16:33

OP you don't sound heartless at all. You sound like a kind woman who is tired and human and having a bit of a private vent.

Liorae · 25/02/2023 16:33

Peachy2005 · 25/02/2023 16:29

Urgh is this England? Generally the Irish believe you shouldn’t “arrive with one arm as long as the other’…bottle of wine, bunch of daffodils, even a packet of biscuits… it’s just a nice gesture, isn’t it? Particularly when you’ve had her for this many lunches.

That's your takeaway from a son caring for his very recently widowed mother?

SeasonFinale · 25/02/2023 16:33

Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 15:42

All I want to do is go for a walk then slob on the sofa with dd watching shite on Netflix! Can't remember the last time we did that. I didn't know he'd invited MIL until yesterday and I was pathetically excited about making a cake with dd then eating it in front of the telly 😅

Show quote history

There is more reason you can't do that. Treat her as family and carry on as you would were she not there rather than an actual visitor to entertain. I am sure that is what she wants too, to just be part of family life.

Slob on the TV still, watch Netflix etc. No need to stand on ceremony.

She is however an 80 year old woman now on her own after many years of marriage. I am glad her son is kind and thinking of and including her. Be thankful you have a lovely husband but there is no need to put pressure on yourself to be a hostess. I expect she would be horrified you see it as a burden.

letthemalldoone · 25/02/2023 16:35

I think if she's coming, she has to fit around you. It's expensive providing roast dinners and I imagine you wouldn't have one as regularly. She's part of the family - treat her the same as anyone else. Couldn't she have a pie/casserole/stew/sausages and mash?

I don't think you're being "graspy" either. Seems she has had a considerable inheritance and it would be nice if she used some of it to ease her son and family's finances.

It's not "cruel" either to establish boundaries because these things can easily get out of control, leaving you with no time to yourself. You do need time to relax in your own home.

nilsmousehammer · 25/02/2023 16:36

Read your title in passing and agreed with you OP. Definitely don't have MiL for lunch tomorrow, a leg of lamb or a curry would be much nicer.

You're allowed a chill day when you need one. Agree with the pps that DH can take his mum for a nice lunch out, and you can have some downtime.

Dishwashersaurous · 25/02/2023 16:37

Why can't you just stay in casuals and have some pizza for lunch?

She just wants some company, doesn't have to be a big formal thing.

girlfriend44 · 25/02/2023 16:38

Dishwashersaurous · 25/02/2023 16:37

Why can't you just stay in casuals and have some pizza for lunch?

She just wants some company, doesn't have to be a big formal thing.

Pizza for lunch for an 80 year old lol.

Liorae · 25/02/2023 16:38

SeasonFinale · 25/02/2023 16:33

There is more reason you can't do that. Treat her as family and carry on as you would were she not there rather than an actual visitor to entertain. I am sure that is what she wants too, to just be part of family life.

Slob on the TV still, watch Netflix etc. No need to stand on ceremony.

She is however an 80 year old woman now on her own after many years of marriage. I am glad her son is kind and thinking of and including her. Be thankful you have a lovely husband but there is no need to put pressure on yourself to be a hostess. I expect she would be horrified you see it as a burden.

Show quote history

Oh I suspect OP makes very sure that her mil knows her fortnightly lunch visits are seen as a burden.

bussteward · 25/02/2023 16:38

If she’s coming every other weekend, aren’t you slobbing about every other weekend, then?

I don’t see why you and DD can’t go for a walk in the morning, have roast dinner at home with MIL, then bake a cake for afternoon tea while MIL does whatever it is she enjoys in the afternoon, then she goes home. After which the shite on Netflix or whatever begins. Yes, it’s a bit more full on than not having her there – but she’s 80 and lonely and your husband’s family. What if he treated your family like an imposition for the sake of a cooked dinner every two weeks?

Ladybug14 · 25/02/2023 16:39

You're not being a cow

She sees her son 3 times a week plus every other Sunday

She sees you once a week plus every other Sunday

She has friends who she sees

She has pots of money but rarely shares it

Lord 😲

icefishing · 25/02/2023 16:39

Pizza for lunch for an 80 year old lol

My MIL is mid 70's and quite happily eats pizza. It isn't a ridiculous notion.

Couldyounot · 25/02/2023 16:40

Never bringing anything seems a bit off

bussteward · 25/02/2023 16:40

girlfriend44 · 25/02/2023 16:38

Pizza for lunch for an 80 year old lol.

Show quote history

My dad’s 75 and loves a fancy Waitrose pizza or a Pizza Express/Zizzi/etc lunch out. Perhaps something will happen in the next five years whereupon he’ll suddenly be in the pizza-hating era of life, but doubtful.

Slimjimtobe · 25/02/2023 16:40

The fact dh visits three times a week and you once is already very kind so I wouldn’t feel bad

but I do think you kind of have to suck it up as dh is cooking - but next time suggest he goes and you get a break

nokidshere · 25/02/2023 16:42

If she only comes every couple of weeks then why can't you do the slob days on the other two or three weekends?

It's just a few hours a month for a grieving, and probably lonely lady. It won't last forever and you could always cut it down to once a month if you really want to.

Mummyoftwo91 · 25/02/2023 16:43

I'd say she wants the company and is lonely, it probably means a lot to her to come over, I bet she looks forward to it, maybe she doesn't really care if your in comfy clothes having a chill day? If you don't fancy doing a roast do something else maybe you think she has these expectations but in reality she cares about seeing you all

Dishwashersaurous · 25/02/2023 16:43

What's wrong with pizza for an 80 year old. All my parents are in their late 70s and regularly eat pizza. As do all their friends