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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL for lunch tomorrow?

337 replies

Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 15:23

I will say I do like my MIL generally. PIL died about 8 months ago so I feel mean about resenting her coming for Sunday lunch - but this will be the 5th time since Christmas. Everytime we have a free Sunday DH invites her over. Dh has said he will cook so really I have nothing to worry about. Dd and I were looking forward to a chill day tomorrow though. I'm just a bit sick of it. We are also quite skint - all PILs assets went to MIL but she never brings anything not even a bottle of wine.

Just a bit bored with it tbh.

OP posts:
LordEmsworth · 25/02/2023 21:28

BigFeelingsMoment · 25/02/2023 20:36

Shame on you @MadinMarch and @LordEmsworth. You are either very poor at comprehension or are just awful people.

She and her DH see her MIL four times a week anyway not counting Sundays. She doesn’t begrudge Sundays, she just felt rather desperately in need of a Sunday off as she is also caring for her terminally ill brother and his family. When her father in law was alive she visited the hospital twice a day to feed him. She is good people. Shame on you.

Show quote history

Well, I posted well before the OP mentioned her brother, so while I admit my psychic abilities are not up to scratch, I am not sure why you are querying my reading comprehension.

The posts before I posted were, I'm a bit fed up of it, I'm bored of it, she inherited all the money but doesn't give us anything. Not sure I'm an awful person for thinking that sounded heartless...

girlfriend44 · 25/02/2023 21:29

Feel sorry for mil. She has a nice son who wants to cook his mum a proper lunch not just a piece of chappy pizza and his wife is annoyed they haven't been given some of mils inheritance so is annoyed and dosent want her coming round.
Nothing like money to bring out the worst in people. It's her money not yours and if you stop being so nasty you might get some one day, when she passes.

Don't forget you might be bereaved and 80 one day. How would you like to be resented.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 25/02/2023 21:31

girlfriend44 · 25/02/2023 21:29

Feel sorry for mil. She has a nice son who wants to cook his mum a proper lunch not just a piece of chappy pizza and his wife is annoyed they haven't been given some of mils inheritance so is annoyed and dosent want her coming round.
Nothing like money to bring out the worst in people. It's her money not yours and if you stop being so nasty you might get some one day, when she passes.

Don't forget you might be bereaved and 80 one day. How would you like to be resented.

Yawn, multiple people have posted that incorrectly already. RTFT

BigFeelingsMoment · 25/02/2023 22:00

MadinMarch · 25/02/2023 21:14

@BigFeelingsMoment
Just for the record, my understanding is that op sees her mil once a week in the week and roughly every other Sunday (five times since Xmas). It's not as if she has no down time ever on a Sunday
Mil is 80, and recently bereaved, so no, I don't think she's being very reasonable.
Having said that, I posted before the huge drip feed about her brother being ill. He does have a wife though, who presumably is doing the majority of the caring for him, although I also appreciative that it takes an emotional toll.
Sometimes life is a bit tough and you have to give time to others

No, the post I quoted did not come after the explanation about her brother. Yawn.

letthemalldoone · 25/02/2023 22:37

MadinMarch · 25/02/2023 21:14

@BigFeelingsMoment
Just for the record, my understanding is that op sees her mil once a week in the week and roughly every other Sunday (five times since Xmas). It's not as if she has no down time ever on a Sunday
Mil is 80, and recently bereaved, so no, I don't think she's being very reasonable.
Having said that, I posted before the huge drip feed about her brother being ill. He does have a wife though, who presumably is doing the majority of the caring for him, although I also appreciative that it takes an emotional toll.
Sometimes life is a bit tough and you have to give time to others

Are you actually for real??!

Shame on you!

letthemalldoone · 25/02/2023 22:39

girlfriend44 · 25/02/2023 21:29

Feel sorry for mil. She has a nice son who wants to cook his mum a proper lunch not just a piece of chappy pizza and his wife is annoyed they haven't been given some of mils inheritance so is annoyed and dosent want her coming round.
Nothing like money to bring out the worst in people. It's her money not yours and if you stop being so nasty you might get some one day, when she passes.

Don't forget you might be bereaved and 80 one day. How would you like to be resented.

I feel sorry for you and your total lack of empathy. Wise up!

saraclara · 25/02/2023 22:48

given that DH already sees her 3 times a week and you once, eat what you want and do what you want on a Sunday and if she wants to join in she can and if she ''hates'' it, then she can adapt or come to yours a bit less often.

That. Given that she sees one or both of you five times a week most weeks, she needs to start accepting the Sundays that you want, when she visits. It's not a big outing for her, and she's only alone for two days a week (three at most). Cook what you like, slob if you like, bake with your DD while MIL chats to or goes for a walk with her son.

When I visit my DD's (I'm also widowed) I don't expect or want them to make it about me. I'm happy to enjoy being part of their normal day.

Valeriekat · 26/02/2023 08:23

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Moonphantom · 26/02/2023 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Don't worry - I'm jolly glad you aren't my MIL!

OP posts:
Valeriekat · 26/02/2023 08:25

However she shoulds eat what you eat.

Valeriekat · 26/02/2023 08:32

Wow! You know nothing about me other than a very mild criticism of your behaviour.
My daughter in law thankfully is kind and thankfully I am not a widow.

FizzyTango · 26/02/2023 08:33

Initially I thought you were unreasonable, especially as I assumed you only saw your MIL on a Sunday - so only 5 times since Christmas. With the context that you see her more often and your brother you are not unreasonable at all. In fact I take my hat off to you, and you really deserve a break. I really hope both your husband and MIL understand this, because they should!!

TangledWebOfDeception · 26/02/2023 08:34

Well you honestly seem incredibly dumb saying that at this stage of the discussion. So I wouldn’t want you as a MIL either.

Have you even read the thread? OP is anything but heartless.

Valeriekat · 26/02/2023 08:35

Also a bit of a drip feed v your OP that actually you are an angel. Really?

TangledWebOfDeception · 26/02/2023 08:36

It’s not a drop feed either, it’s very important and valid context. It’s not unreasonable of OP not to have wanted to put that in the OP but when she realised it was relevant age mentioned it.

BannMan · 26/02/2023 08:37

her husband died, and she’s coming round for a bit to see her family and have dinner. Your dh is doing the cooking, honesty I can’t see the problem. I understand that it’s a pain but that’s what family’s do to support each other in times of need.

This^
You may well be in this situation yourself in the future!
If it's cutting into your weekend too much then you need to look at another day. We have MIL most Friday evenings for dinner and catch up. I collect her at 5pm and DH takes her home at 9. We often pop into hers on a Sunday for cuppa but it's just half an hour.
If kids and I are out at something all day then DH will take food round and cook at hers on Sunday.
It's what children/parents do, however old they are

TangledWebOfDeception · 26/02/2023 08:37

*she

Original poster
Moonphantom · 26/02/2023 08:37

Anyway, I've made the pavlova. I'm now sitting down with my phone for a bit just chilling. I feel a lot better this morning so thanks to those who were so kind, it's much appreciated.

OP posts:
Whyishewearingasombero · 26/02/2023 08:39

My parents come every Sunday for a roast. Sometimes I fancy a day off, then I think about when one of them isn't here and I know I will look back and wish for these days. Its the highlight of their week and DH does the cooking.

TangledWebOfDeception · 26/02/2023 08:51

@Moonphantom your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to a) communicate very clearly to your DH that you absolutely do need time to rest, that it’s absolutely just as much a priority as anything else. You are actually dealing with grief right now too, you know - for your brother who is going to die before his time and whose wife and children will suffer for a lifetime because of that. The situation you are in is not easy by any stretch, and you need recovery time from helping him and SIL/children especially as it sounds like you were caring for your FIL (at least in part) before that too;

b) start trying to change how you do things when MIL does visit. Of course you won’t be able to relax completely when you have a guest as that’s just how it is for you, but do let some things go and start practicing chilling with your DD, inviting MIL to join in if she wants to. If you adapt things a little you will probably find it easier.

But it’s absolutely not unreasonable to want (and need) a day completely to yourself once a month at the weekend.

MeridianB · 26/02/2023 08:59

Yes. MIL is quite old fashioned (well she's 80!) so already has a hard time accepting that dh cooks lunch

I think you’re worrying too much about what she expects. It’s 2023 and her son can cook lunch. I agree with PP that it’s worth trying to relax behaviours at the visits little by little. Not suggesting that leads to PJs but I don’t believe MIL’s traditions should be applied universally in your home.

BigFeelingsMoment · 26/02/2023 09:10

BannMan · 26/02/2023 08:37

her husband died, and she’s coming round for a bit to see her family and have dinner. Your dh is doing the cooking, honesty I can’t see the problem. I understand that it’s a pain but that’s what family’s do to support each other in times of need.

This^
You may well be in this situation yourself in the future!
If it's cutting into your weekend too much then you need to look at another day. We have MIL most Friday evenings for dinner and catch up. I collect her at 5pm and DH takes her home at 9. We often pop into hers on a Sunday for cuppa but it's just half an hour.
If kids and I are out at something all day then DH will take food round and cook at hers on Sunday.
It's what children/parents do, however old they are

Well, then, you are doing less than the OP who visits her MIL every week plus the every other Sundays plus her DH going three times a week.

Magenta82 · 26/02/2023 09:26

Valeriekat · 26/02/2023 08:35

Also a bit of a drip feed v your OP that actually you are an angel. Really?

So people only deserve a day off at the weekend if they have what you consider a good enough excuse?

Looking after her brother makes it OK, but if it was just working and looking after her family she should suck it up and have no time off?

JenniferBarkley · 26/02/2023 09:31

Ah OP, I've only read your posts, you must be feeling completely burned out. Your DH sounds decent, get those days off in the diary.

I think we can all relate to feeling a bit "oh FFS not ANOTHER thing" about something small and normal. What a difficult year you've all had.

FrostyFifi · 26/02/2023 09:34

@MadinMarch and @Valeriekat The cheek of either of you berating a good, exhausted woman going through a tragicallydifficult time when you are both unpleasant individuals without a shred of empathy astounds me. And actually depresses me that people like you walk among us.

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