To not want MIL for lunch tomorrow?

[Moonphantom]

I will say I do like my MIL generally. PIL died about 8 months ago so I feel mean about resenting her coming for Sunday lunch - but this will be the 5th time since Christmas. Everytime we have a free Sunday DH invites her over. Dh has said he will cook so really I have nothing to worry about. Dd and I were looking forward to a chill day tomorrow though. I'm just a bit sick of it. We are also quite skint - all PILs assets went to MIL but she never brings anything not even a bottle of wine.

Just a bit bored with it tbh.

It seems to be working out as roughly every other week OP so you do have some free weekends, but I can see you not wanting to get into too much of a routine, that can be a danger as it’s hard to change things later, perhaps slowly just stretch the gaps apart a little.
it is lovely though that your OH is caring for his Mum she will be feeling very alone.
I’m not sure about joining in clubs, if you’ve never done that she’s unlikely to want start now.
To be honest I wouldn’t have expected my Mum to bring anything to contribute a meal.
I think it’s completely selfish for posters on here to suggest you virtually leave her to your OH, how would that make her feel, she’s a human being and she’s grieving the last thing she needs is to made to feel like a burden.
Would it be possible to occasionally go out for meal on a Saturday, that would leave you free for your Sunday chill out time.

Why not? If we have Sunday lunch out with our adult kids we always pay. She’s clearly got more money than they have.

@Moonphantom is DH an only child?

It doesn't help that my brother has been extremely ill so I've been looking after him during the week.

OP nobody has so far picked you up on this. If the reason you're so knackered and want a leisurely Sunday is because your time is taken up by looking after your brother, then yes YABveryU. Why don't you cut down on those responsibilities rather than putting it all on an 80yo recent widow?

However I don't think it would be unreasonable of you to try to avoid it becoming every other Sunday for evermore. That really limits what you can do with the DCs, not just in your own house but if you wanted to take them out somewhere too.

I agree, she falls in with family life!

my DMum and FIL are on their own and although I make a bit of effort if they come, it’s more a self help situation! My DC make cups of tea and help a bit, but otherwise it’s take us as you find us.

Sunday is a difficult day when you are alone / single/ divorced/ bereaved. I hated Sundays when I was a single parent. People are doing family stuff that you don't want to invade but if you go out there are 'happy' families everywhere and it just emphasises what you have lost. My mother didn't really get it but when my father died 6 years ago she realised how awfully lonely Sunday feels and apologised for not being kinder ( my children were young and noisy and her cats hated our visits so they didnt happen that often) I only live up the road from her now and she came for lots and lots of Sundays in the beginning.She just wanted a distraction . Once Monday came she was off and out again with her groups and friends. That may be you one day Op . If you have sons their wives may feel the same about you.

Get tomorrow out of the way and say to your husband that can you want to keep the next 5 or 6 Sundays free as with his Mum and your brother it’s been a bit much.

Oh my god. I'd honestly be furious if my partner was feeling resentful of my mum coming over once a week for Sunday dinner, less than a year since her husband died. And I'd never expect her to "bring something".

Switch it round and put yourself in her shoes. Imagine you are a widow and grieving. Imagine your daughters husband in your case really not wanting you round. How would you feel do you think?

There is nothing clear about that at all. Surprisingly for Mumsnet, the dil has provided no details of her mils finances except that she alone inherited from her husband. That could be 100 quid for all we know.

Some old folk are fucking minted, you do know that right?

Pizza for lunch for an 80 year old lol.

What's wrong with pizza? @girlfriend44 ageist much?

OP include her a bit more, ask her what she's been watching and find something you and DD can watch with her while DH cooks, it could become a regular thing that you all enjoy together.

If it's only every 2nd Sunday then you have every other Sunday to chill? I know it's a bit of a pain but being alone at 80 is no picnic, my own mum is in the same boat, dad died last year and I'm just happy to spend time with her and help her get through. Different as it's your mum in law I know but still...

If you are skint then don't serve wine. Maybe also chill out with a film after lunch. If she hates it then that is her problem. DH can entertain her. I think there needs to be some give and take on both sides. I would be wary of setting precedent ie - every other Sunday. I think if your DH goes over there three times a week and you also see her once a week then that is quite a lot. She does need to make a life for herself outside of you and your family.

If she lives nearby and you both see her a lot throughout the week, why does Sunday lunch have to be a full roast every time? Is there nothing else she will eat that’s more casual and less expensive?

I’d feel the same to be honest. Our parents are all retired and we often say they’ve forgotten what it’s like to work full time, especially when you also have young DC. They don’t really get that sometimes you just need some down time.

I’m in a similar position to you in that my MIL is also recently bereaved and it’s very sad because she’s so lonely. She now has so much time to fill and we want to be kind but equally it can be exhausting as we never seem to have any time “off”.

I think you need to find a way to meet her halfway. So invite her over for lunch but don’t make it a full on roast, just jacket potatoes or chilli or something else easy and cheap. Then maybe afterwards your DH goes out for a walk or takes her for coffee or something so that you can have time on your own with DD.

Or turn it into breakfast/brunch so that she leaves earlier and you have the rest of the day free?

My grandma died at 97 and used to have a microwaveable pizza for lunch everyday for probably the last ten years of her life.

Why wouldn't an 80 year old want to eat pizza, exactly?

Yes, this.
It's not asking much of you and it is a big thing for her to be able to go out and see family.
Your husband is cooking and I'm sure he will be talking with her afterwards, so there's not anything expected of you, is there?
Sounds like you're feeling a bit low?

I am withb@Triffid1 , but I know it’s difficult. We have been in the same place, other than the fact that my DH would not be cooking 🙄.

My MIL could not do relaxed and casual. She expected fine dining and to be entertained.
It is hard when she is clearly lonely, but better to mix things up a little now, as trust me, weaning my MIL off what she saw as our routine , was not pretty.

YANBU OP, you just need some space for yourself.

We've just had our second baby and MIL likes to visit every couple of weeks. Rather than do a roast with wine, pudding etc. We've been very clear that we are in the eye of the storm and she's just got to muck in (she doesn't), anyway we usually now just have sandwiches or buy some nice soup with bread, quiche... anything shop bought really! Could you just start offering that kind of thing? Do it every second time as making and cleaning up after a roast is ridiculous.
Or afternoon tea? Is quicker 😅

I understand that all implications of her visits are "too much". Can you agree a way with your DH to change the routine around her? Eat something else maybe home cooked at first,but not level roast), nothing wrong about baking cake with your DD, if she doesn't like the TV, DH can take her for a walk or something.

YANBU for your feelings. It has an impact on your life. The key here is talking with your DH and phrasing it more like "finding a way how it will be OK for everyone running forward" than "it is wrong now and has to stop".

I don't know why everyone is on your case. Talk to your husband. This is your house too. You've been looking after your brother who is ill. What you are doing for your MIL is lovely but not sustainable. In addition to the Sundays with your MIL, you need to schedule in Sundays with downtime so you don't burn out. She may feel sad on the Sunday of your downtime but if you can make a schedule that works for you then it will only be a periodic thing, not every weekend. It's not unreasonable for you to ask for downtime to be just with your husband and kids and not be on the go-go-go running errands and sports and everything all the time.

I would start by telling your husband you would like to schedule one Sunday as downtime, as soon as possible. Nothing is to be scheduled for this day. If a last minute emergency comes up that takes away your downtime Sunday, it needs to be rescheduled for the following weekend. Over the long term you need to be calendaring together to work in some downtime Sundays. These need to be prioritized and respected by your husband. Again, if your downtime Sundays are lost because of emergencies (which always come up with elderly and sick relatives), the calendar needs to be re-evaluated to ensure you get them back in.

You are not going to have every Sunday as downtime. Even every other Sunday or every third Sunday. But even if your schedule was that you had ONE downtime Sunday every 6 weeks, you would probably feel better as long as you could rely on it and it was respected by your husband.

Your husband going to his mother's house on some of these Sundays is fine but be wary of that being ALL of your downtime, if it means you will not have ANY time just as a family together.

Your MIL is bereaved so it's normal and healthy that you provide more emotional support to her. But you are still your husband's wife, not just a random that happens to live with him nor are you merely a lodger in his home who has no say in how it is used. It is not loving to ask you to burn out from looking after other people. "I am exhausted and this is not sustainable."

It's ok to set some boundaries.

There are some very odd perceptions of what being 80 is like here. Apparently it’s completely outrageous to even think about them eating pizza or paying for a pub meal for their family. Obviously we’re going to turn into completely different people when we hit 80.

So, you have a day slobbing at home in your pjs. She's part of the family, so you can.

"Oh, hi MIL, we're just having a day slobbing around and watching silly stuff on Netflix. Gotta relax sometimes! Come in sit down, dh's cooking, he'll make us all a cuppa......"

I think you should just slob about in your pjs anyway. This is what you have to do with regular family visitors - they have to muck in with what you’re doing. I was always ‘hosting’ my DS’s girlfriend until recently, they come over a lot so we both now put our pjs on and ignore each other (benignly) on our phones. I love that she feels relaxed enough to do that and I can chill out too.