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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my DH sounds like an dick

230 replies

SandroSandra · 24/02/2023 09:55

Opinions on this conversation pls. We live in a small old scruffy cottage and have 2 small kids

I commented to DH that restoration isn't so much of a joy when you have to work full time and you've got kids (inspired by a thread on here i was reading this morning) and that isn't it frustrating our cottage is still so scruffy and broken even though we've been here 3 years.

He said "ah well that's the thing about feminism innit. Women want to work but guess what there isn't enough time to make a nice home too"

I said "well it's more that most couples both need to work these days to pay the bills"

He said "sure of course but just odd all these women stressing that they want perfect homes, following restoration accounts and Mrs hinch on Instagram. But no woman has time to do any of it so just make you all feel guilty. It's almost like it was a good idea to have someone stay at home because guess what making a beautiful home is a full time job and adding restoration on top of it - it's impossible"

And I said "but men could stay home if they wanted"

He said "but we don't want to really. You were the ones that wanted to change the model and set up and then you're all stressing out you don't have time to do it all"

He then started saying

"Oh course there is a theory that the Rockefella family made feminism a success just to get 50% of the working people working their arse off and paying tax. And women fell for it"

Does he sound like a dick? It really wound me up but he insists whats he's saying is just logical.

OP posts:
CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 24/02/2023 09:58

Yes he does sound like an utter cockend, but you know that.

BeBraveAndBeKind · 24/02/2023 10:02

Yep, he does. If you're both working, why is it any more a woman's job to make a nice home than a man's when he's living there too?

It's only logical if you believe that women aren't fully autonomous people in their own right with their own hopes and dreams rather than just being here to serve other people.

butterfliedtwo · 24/02/2023 10:05

You know he does. I hope he has other qualities because that attitude would put me off a man pdq.

OnlyFannys · 24/02/2023 10:05

He sounds like a misogynist dick

Original poster
SandroSandra · 24/02/2023 10:11

I told him he sounded sexist.

He said "I'm not blaming women. I'm just saying that two people working full time with kids doesn't leave enough time to restore or redecorate or do much of anything really and there is a reason we used to have on person at home. Not about it being women. I'm just being logical"

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 24/02/2023 10:13

Nah he sounds lovely and very intelligent.

Botw1 · 24/02/2023 10:13

He's hiding behind the 'logic' to share his sexist views

Hooklander · 24/02/2023 10:14

You’ve got great recall, I’ll give you that.

Tauranga · 24/02/2023 10:16

He's correct that two full time workers have less time to clean and tidy and cook and light candles, but frankly I'd prefer to work and get paid than do the house chores for no money. There was no law that said the woman should be the one making the home. He sounds like he has sexist views entrenched in him, he probably doesn't even realise.

LookingOldTheseDays · 24/02/2023 10:16

When was this fictional past time when women didn't work?

Working class women have always worked. They've always had to.

NoCatsToday · 24/02/2023 10:19

He said "but we don't want to really. You were the ones that wanted to change the model and set up and then you're all stressing out you don't have time to do it all"

So the patriarchy prefers a status quo to keep them doing what they want to do irrespective of needs of others. Very progressive Hmm

Thatcatisdrivingmenuts · 24/02/2023 10:24

Hooklander · 24/02/2023 10:14

You’ve got great recall, I’ll give you that.

🤣🤣

Original poster
SandroSandra · 24/02/2023 10:27

@Hooklander ha ha! It only happened this morning and it's obviously not word perfect :)

Thanks for coming along though.

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 24/02/2023 10:30

So, if you were to decide to stay home and make things beautiful, would he be able and happy to pay for everything? As that’s the flipside to this that nobody ever addresses. Does he earn enough? Is that a setup he’d be comfortable with? Ask him.

Additionally, you’re married to this person. You’ve presumably spoken previously. This cannot be the first time he’s spewed misogyny at you. Why are you surprised?

SnackyOnassis · 24/02/2023 10:31

Jesus.
You'd want to keep him busy with some jobs around the house, even if he thinks they're beneath him. I'd be embarrassed to have him spouting that nonsense in public and people thinking I married him knowing he thought like this. I assume this viewpoint is news to you?!!

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/02/2023 10:32

He said "I'm not blaming women. I'm just saying that two people working full time with kids doesn't leave enough time to restore or redecorate or do much of anything really and there is a reason we used to have on person at home. Not about it being women. I'm just being logical“

He’s not wrong, tbh.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 24/02/2023 10:32

If you're both working full time, get a man in to decorate and enjoy the irony. 😉

GoodChat · 24/02/2023 10:34

Tell him traditionally men would decorate and do DIY and women would clean and care for the children.

I'd hazard a guess you're still doing the 'woman's work' despite both working full time.

Smineusername · 24/02/2023 10:35

I mean I sort of agree with him to be honest, doubling the workforce but halving wages is a disaster imo. But he does sound like a dick

Original poster
SandroSandra · 24/02/2023 10:36

I didn't say it was a surprise. @AlmostaMamma

I'm confused. I'm trying to work out if his viewpoints are bad enough for me to leave. Hence me coming on here. I feel fucked off but wanted to get other opinions.

And of course a man's attitude can change as they get older. He used to pretty tolerant.

Now he just grumbles about "woke" blah blah.

He didn't walk down the aisle telling me he thought women were trash. Just like abusers don't punch women on day one.

As you live and grow old it's quite common to find your partner's viewpoints or personality more and more off putting.

Its literally why the divorce industry exists.

OP posts:
Original poster
SandroSandra · 24/02/2023 10:38

And some of his arguments about pressure on women to work and make a beautiful home rang true. Hence me asking for views too.

I am the higher earner by far by the way. So I mean if anyone gave up work it would be him. He wouldn't do bloody anything with the house though.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/02/2023 10:42

Patronising indeed.
Does he do any work around the house, at weekends for e.g. or any DIY if you are both supposed to be renovating?

It sounds like an excuse for sheer laziness or a way of telling you that anything home related is entirely your job because you "chose" to have a career instead of being a housekeeper for him so now its all down to you on top of your job.

Sounds like he's reading/ listening to some right old tosh, and needs to change his news sources particularly if he's complaining about "woke"

Botw1 · 24/02/2023 10:42

@SandroSandra

Yes.

It is largely women who enforce the ideals about appearences

ShimmeringShirts · 24/02/2023 10:42

So you’re looking to end your relationship over this? In that case it doesn’t matter what any of us think of his comments, you’re perfectly entitled to leave him for any reason you want, you don’t need to hear the rest of our opinions to make up your mind. You’re unhappy, it’s not likely to have been this one conversation that’s made you that unhappy, so what’s the bigger picture?

mewkins · 24/02/2023 10:44

SandroSandra · 24/02/2023 10:36

I didn't say it was a surprise. @AlmostaMamma

I'm confused. I'm trying to work out if his viewpoints are bad enough for me to leave. Hence me coming on here. I feel fucked off but wanted to get other opinions.

And of course a man's attitude can change as they get older. He used to pretty tolerant.

Now he just grumbles about "woke" blah blah.

He didn't walk down the aisle telling me he thought women were trash. Just like abusers don't punch women on day one.

As you live and grow old it's quite common to find your partner's viewpoints or personality more and more off putting.

Its literally why the divorce industry exists.

In all the time you've know him has he never mentioned any of these views before? Has he started listening to dubious podcasts?

But I couldn't live with someone like this and I'd also be concerned about what he's saying to the kids.